Breathing in the moment.


[ 2017-10-12 ]


As you get older, you'll get more and more news of people passing away... Gerry, thank you for your guidance when I was there. You made work much more tolerable, and we know you always try to shield us from negativity and protect us as much as you can. You knew how to work and chill. Thank you for believing in me. I'm sorry I couldn't meet your expectation. Thank you... I hope wherever you'll be, you'll be healthy once more and happy.

[ Breathing at 8:51 a.m. ]


[ 2017-10-08 ]


It's 1.42pm, I've had my lunch and I'm typing this on my bed. Today is a rare off day, in fact, it's an unexpected one: I was supposed to have rehearsal tonight but it was cancelled. I've been working straight for 2 weeks, I've been feeling exhausted lately. There have been days I'll go, "FML," and days I go, "Can I don't go to work?" But no matter what, I knew it's not because I hate my job, I knew I'm just tired and wanted rest, or perhaps in my language, I wanted freedom. In this sense, it would be more of freedom to do what I want instead of rushing from one event to another.

I was sharing with my mentor the other day that this year, I'm slowly beginning to enjoy being a freelancer. I enjoy doing different projects, working with different people, learning new and different things at each project. I guess the only bane of being a freelancer is the equally freely fluctuating income, which explains why I'm working like mad this month: almost all my work will end by mid Nov. I do have potential work in Nov and Dec, but I may not get them, which means I need to find other sources of income.

The fluctuating income has been stressing me out a lot, I wonder if I'll ever become comfortable with it. I'm still trying to increase the overall income but if it happens again like how I'm taking on 3-4 projects at the same time these few months, holy shit... I'm grateful for having work to do but erm... It's honestly exhausting. I'm thankful that I'm getting recognised for my work, jumping for joy even. It is the anxiety to properly support my family that has been haunting me; I'll have to chip in more for household, perhaps, this month onwards. As much as I would love to be hopeful, the realistic side of me is louder, which is why I'm thankful for today's rest; so I can unwind and reflect on the past 10 months of this year.

I can't believe it's already October *horrors* How did this year even fly pass? Normal feels like a lifetime ago ^^" Undoubtedly, Normal boost my confidence tremendously. To be involved in such an acclaimed play, I felt and still feel deeply grateful and honoured. It reminded me of why I do theatre; theatre is an agent of change; it speaks for the unspoken.

This year I actually set a goal to be less harsh on myself because I tend to try too hard and end up burning myself out. I think things are better now, life feels more comfortable; I'm not getting overly anxious over small things. There are times when I can feel my old habit wanting to creep in but I'm able to ignore them and focus on what I wanna focus. I've been telling my friends that as you get older, you give less fucks XD I've been reeling back myself whenever my old habit threatens to spill over; give less fucks, I would tell myself. Honestly, it's been helping; by giving less fucks, I'm telling myself that care for myself comes first, which is great, and what I needed. I guess that is also the reason why I'm still on my bed, hahaha!

It has started raining, and listening to it on my bed is such a luxury. Actually, slowing down and chilling has become such a luxury in Singapore. It is as important as dashing forward though. For me, it helps to reorganise my thoughts, recognise myself for my hard work, and basically reflect on how far I've come. All these then become the fuel I need to continue dashing forward.

I'm happy, like really. Poorer, but happy, hahaha. I guess I do have hope for the future, that I would get more jobs, get casted more, and basically be able to continue being the freelance artist I am. I just need to breathe, and tame that overly anxious being in me. I can do it. I can do this. Even if my clean laundry is piling up, just as my table is getting messier XD Two more months to end of year, I hope me, like a pupa, will continue to transform and moult as I have for this year. Is that a new tagline or something? Hahaha!


[ Breathing at 1:42 p.m. ]



A simple human with different thinking.



Past Breaths

Credits:
Diaryland
Vasamo