Hello Diary,
Its been a really long time since we have last talked. Let me fill you in on what has been happening in my life. First things first I'm married and it's been about 4 months since the wedding. My efile for divorce has been filed and I"m still wondering if I should remove it off the court system because I have a feeling that this marriage might not work. For the past month, I have moved all my stuff out of the apartment, went home to recooperate & currently live at my sisters awaiting what I'm going to do about this marriage. From my recent talks with my estranged husband he goes from it's ur issue to almost saddness that I no longer want to be a part of this. Everyday I have a different feeling about it some days I just want to leave other days I'm like wait a min. I'm older now if I leave this man will there be another who will want to marry me and have children. Kendra G says that many times in life people want a particular spouse & many times that type of man/woman may not want them back. She says its best to see who is in front of you and pick from there because those are your real life choices. I do believe that now that I'm older and honestly I dont know if I really want to go back and see if there will be another man that will come into my life and want to marry & have children. *Sigh* this is a lot to process. Currently, if I decide to take this one I will have to accept the fact that I will have to uplift this man , give him papers & ultamitely forgo the life I have always envisioned for myself. I do know that as a married couple the husband & wife should have the same dreams and honestly we can't seem to congeal our dreams into one. Personally, I feel like we have VERY different views on what a fruitful life is and he is just not flexible with it. I'm 35 I want kids like yesterday and no one is going to stop me on that journey. I don't care if I have to IVF it to the took he is not about to take my baby making years away. On the other hand this 41 yr. old man thinks he is 31 yrs old with the energy to start a buisness. Once he figures out what the hell he wants to do with his life I wouldn't be able to have the number of kids I want. This is such a big deal because if I have the option to have kids I want them I really want to be a mother and I"m not going to stick around because your ass has all the time in the world to start a buisness & fail. Lord Help me these men are FOOLS. I know in the future I will give my kids my diary and show them how I felt throught my life because I want to let them know that I wanted them I worked really hard to bring them to this world because I felt like they should be apart of it. My family & his are from a strong background, strong race, strong people and I just want to add to our dyansty. I hope in the future men realize that childrearing is something that is golden and not only does it fullfill your life there's never really the perfect time to have them.....I mean you obviously need to be able to support both u & ur kid but you know I mean. God please keep our marriage sound. Please allow Philipo to notice that I don't have a lot of time to try and that time is precious to me. We can do it all but there are some things that once they are gong they are gone forever and at the end of the day it would be me that'll be at a loss not him. He can continue to float in this world and still have kids that's not my case. He continues to tell me that I never informed him on my fertility journey but it's such a crock of shit. He knows what he is doing he always likes to play these games and it pisses me off because he looks at me like I will believe it . It just makes me what to slap him! I'm not gonna lie I'm giving him till July if he hasn't shown me anything I'm out.

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