i mean i love nick drake too, but not enough to follow his tragic footsteps.

i knew elliott had a drug problem and was suffering from depression yet still i didnt think that it was a good enough reason to kill yourself.

i think it wasnt until today when i discovered i too have my limitations and that im not coping and that i cant continue to pretend that i can. i feel maybe i have a little understanding for his situation now.

i feel like a failure for having to take my own daily dose of prozac. i feel like i should be able to snap out of this and just deal with life because in perspective its not remotely bad and in fact i should be incredibly happy right now. i put off going to the doctors for so long because i knew she would say i was depressed but i refused to accept that i was. i would rather blame it on my contraception or hormones or anything. anything other than fucking mental illness. i just hoped that i would just stop crying all day or somehow be able to snap out of my mind.

i guess i have never thought about suicide. i imagine you would have to be in a pretty bad state to really consider it. i felt bad enough for walking across roads with out looking for cars in the hope that i would get run over and not have to go to uni.

i feel helpless because people are not going to understand. they are going to think im crazy or weak and even if they might say they dont they will think it deep down inside. i've already felt helpless for so long because i've felt my friends havent cared enough to see if i was okay. i feel like they haven't been there, or are even here now for me. i dont want them to know. i dont think i will tell them.

and then i feel guilty because i am going to cause worry for the people who really love me, and it seems so unnecessary. i feel so bad to be bothering them.

i just feel so sad that he stabbed himself. i know i have high expectations of people. but i want to have high expectations, i dont want to become cynical or bitter about people. i guess i just feel sad now that he didnt make it through his problems.

well..every genius is always a little mad. and if im going to be a genius i guess its just part of the package. probably will become a famous writer now. (but im not about to cut off my ear to paint a bunch of sunflowers.)