2003-05-11 - 2:00 a.m.
my baby is trying to go into ocs. he will get in with the best honors, i know. i get upset when he talks about it. i cry. i dont want him to leave for over 6 months, but i know that he would never leave me leave me. its just going to be trying on our relationship.
we got in a huff about it tonight. i dont know why. i started crying and he said he wouldnt talk about it anymore. i said i want to talk about it and that me being upset is not a reason not to talk, but a reason why we should talk about it. i dont know, does that make sense? if something is upsetting me, shouldnt we talk about it? or is it because its just the same talk and i still get upset. should it not phase me anymore?
he said that it was good that we had differences. that it was good that we had parts that the other didnt understand. i said i dont like that. that differences are one thing, but understanding is another. i dont know, does that make sense either?
why am i so emotional? why cant i just be hard and not let things phase me? why do i show those emotions in front of him? like he said, i dont want to upset or hurt him either, and it seems like thats all ive been doing lately. whenever he talks about ocs, i try ro support him, but instead i just hurt him. but i dont mean to. my crying is that i am upset that he is going to leave. i support him 150 percent in whatever he does! especially this. so why do i cry? because i am selfish. i dont want him to go away for half of a year. i want him near as long as i can keep him here. that seems to be coming to an end way too quick. i dont want him to leave. if he thinks i am upset now?? ha! god, what am i going to do??? i tried to explain it to him, but he just doesnt understand. i am going to cry every night when hes gone, and i cant let him know.
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