Monday, Mar. 24, 2003
11:39 am
The book we read last night, and the conversation with Sarah afterwords
has just made so many different things surface. It was very good
because we were able to really talk. We both shared a lot of things and
communicated needs and concerns and thoughts. It helped a lot, but so
much of this is so hard.
The book was on codependency. I always thought of codependency as a
relationship where one person was addicted to something and the other
person tried like hell to protect them. I guess that's one form of
codependency, but it can take a lot of other forms too. And although
not all of the traits matched me, some of them did and that is scary to
realize. The very first trait of codependency is compulsion. At first I
thought well I can't think of any compulsions in my life, any
addictions. But what if... What if the touch and the physical/emotional
closeness is a compulsion for me? If it's denied, even for good reason,
it does often send me into emotional turmoil. Fortunately that rarely
if ever includes anger, which is another trait. It's more like
desperation. A compounded need to beg and to walk away and hide.
Sometimes it's stronger than others. But does that make the need wrong?
Does the fact that it could be becoming, or maybe already is, a
compulsion make it a bad thing as opposed to a natural and healthy
need? And if so what am I supposed to do about it. They said that
sometimes the compulsion can be for a person. My God, what is that
saying. I'm having a hard time even going here, because it feels like
if something turns out to be a compulsion that you're supposed to just
drop it, and I absolutely just cannot do that. If this is a problem, if
it has gone too far, somehow there has got to be a way to heal without
losing everything.
Ok backing up a bit. Other things said in the book. Paraphrasing of
course. They said something about a codependent's happiness being
connected to the happiness of the other person. And trying to control
things they can't. I can relate to a lot of that too. How many times
have I felt scared and hopeless and out of control when I know that
Sarah, or even Kevin, is struggling but won't let me in? Or at least it
feels that way. It's more like they won't let me try to help in the way
that I think I can help. Is that not some form of control? Not the
trying to help, but that idea that I have to be there doing something.
Again, where is the line between a healthy intense compassion and an
unhealthy need for control? I always thought of control as a cruel
thing, sitting there with a whip or harsh words trying to force someone
to do your every bidding. But that's not the only form of control. And
at the same time, how can I try to back off from that, and at the same
time still give myself permission to feel and to express those
feelings? How can I know if I'm pushing too hard or if they need that
little push to do something they need to d and are just afraid to?
There's just so many contradictions. I dont' know how to make them all
fit into some kind of solution, or even the beginning to a solution. I
feel so lost and hopeless. Not hopeless in a dangerous way, just don't
know what to do or where to go with this.
Well by the time that side of the book was over, I was fighting with
all I had not to bawl. I can't go here without crying. I was just
terrified, because it seemed to be telling me that what I was feeling
was wrong after all. That I was just a codependent controlling excuse
for a friend and on the road for even worse things that would hurt me
and anyone I was close to in the long run. Afterwords Sarah and I
talked for a long time. One thing she asked me about was what were my
ghosts from the past. there's probably a lot of them actually, but I
need to finish this part and I think I'll come back to the ghosts
thing. Eventually we got off into the specifics of our relationship,
and I think we brought out a lot of things that needed to be brought
out. She promised me that she would tell me if there was something
about our relationship that was becoming a problem, even if it was hard
to hear. I need to trust her to do that. I also told her I need to know
more what she is thinking with us. I need to know what is working and
what isn't. If I don't know, all I can do is try to guess. And I need
to try to quit reading into everything. But it's hard to break that.
I've spent my life trying to figure people out, anticipate their needs,
be good so I would be liked/loved. But I'm not a mind reader. The only
ways I know how to figure out what people are thinking if they don't
tell me is to think of how I might feel in a similar situation, or to
compare it to how someone else acted in the past. And I do that without
even thinking. But what is that doing. It's either projecting my own
feelings onto the other person, or comparing to someone when they may
be nothing alike. And yet again here is that conflict. What is the
difference between projecting feelings and trying to relate to someone?
I always saw my ability to put myself into someone's shoes and try to
feel what they're feeling as a gift, a way to connect more deeply. And
yet this type of behavior leads to assumptions. I find myself afraid to
reach out physically to her now because there are many time she doesn't
want it, or maybe can't handle it is a better way of saying it. The
only way I know to try to relate to that feeling is to think about how
I feel when someone touches me and it's too intense, like if they have
sexual feelings for me. I feel like I have to get away, and the more
they try to more their touch becomes a problem for me. And I end up
projecting those feelings onto her, which produces a fear that if I
don't back off she'll never be comfortable with me touching her
again.She's told me that's not what it's like. But it's hard not to
compare what's happening to what I read on her web site about how she
just needs to be held. It's hard to understand how that can be true,
and yet how almost every time I try it she can't. And yet she's told
me. There's most likely different people out now. Different
circumstances. Different needs. but my feelings still tell me I'm just
incapable, inadequate and I'm wasting my time even trying. Again, my
mind connects the physical to the emotional and they are practically
inseparable.
And this brings me to another subject, that doesn't just relate to the
physical thing. The concept of sacrificing. Sarah made a comment to me
about how sometimes if she knows I really need it she will make the
sacrifice and give me the closeness. I don't know how to explain my
reaction to that. I wanted to just yell out "no! That's not what I
want!" Not out of anger but almost out of fear. It's a no win
situation. I want the closeness, the trust, the openness. But I want it
because it's needed on both sides, not because she sacrifices her own
needs for mine. Asking her to do that feels selfish, controling,
hurtful. But not just that. If she, if anyone, is giving something to
me as a sacrifice, then how can I know when it's genuinely wanted? If I
know that when I put my arm around her, or she puts her arm around me,
that she's making a sacrifice for me, then how do I know that it's not
like that every time it happens. When we watch episodes together, when
she wakes me up at night to go in her room, is she just doing these
things as a sacrifice? When Kevin does talk to me for a few minutes
when they have safe time, is he just doing that as a sacrifice? Ar the
only choices here to either give up what I need, or accept the meeting
of that need as a sacrifice from the other person? Is it even possible
to have both/all of our needs met at the same time by the same actions?
Ok, what else. We talked a lot about the others. I'm trying to
understand why it seems so important to me to get to know some of them
individually. I didn't feel this way with Kathryn so I know it's not
just a DID thing. Oh I enjoyed getting to know them, but I didn't have
the same desire. I just took it as it came. then again, her situation
was different. there was very little co-consciousness with her system.
But with Sarah and Kevin both, there's just something about knowing the
others. I already have memories of times with certain ones of them. I
remember Justin asking if he could call me sister. I remember butch and
brian and skip and several of the other guys along with Justin when
they met me that day. I remember when Angel was so frightened and I
asked if I could hold her, and she let me. She couldn't talk and her
breaths were shallow but she seemed to trust me. And of course those
times when she pops out when I tickle her, but she doesn't seem to stay
then. I remember playing air hockey with Lex and Amber, and I remember
Cara a little too but she was harder to recognize partially because I
don't really know when she first came out. I remember Kendra in Houston
a little too. I have the intros and they help a lot, because if Sarah
says something about one of them I can at least relate it to something.
I don't want, expect or need to always know who is out. That's not what
this friendship is all about. But it's felt like they are kind of
hiding from me, like they're afraid that if I know who they are that
I'll reject them or hurt them or laugh at them. I just want a chance to
prove that I accept them totally, that I'm willing to know them for
real. I want to be able to say "Angel, I see you and I'm glad you're
here because I love you," or "Emma, I want to be your friend because
you're very special to me," or "Tasha, I know this is scaring you and
I'll stay with you if you want me to." I'm just throwing out examples.
But of course then I wonder. Maybe I'm just wrong about the whole
situation. Maybe they're happy with how it is now and they don't want
me to know them like that. In that case is it fair for me to keep
asking about it? As we talked the other night Sarah did help me
understand a few things. I didn't realize that showing themselves or
admitting who they are is actually triggering for some of them. I
remember in an email where Sarah said that they liked it, and I was
basing everything on that statement. I don't ever want to trigger them!
And she said how when she got to know Kevin how some of them made the
sacrifice for him. Here we go with the sacrifice thing again. I don't
want them to do this because they want to make a sacrifice for me. I
want them to do it because they want to know me and be known by me the
way that Kevin knows them. If this isn't possible, if they just don't
want that from me, then I'll need to accept that. But I need to know if
that's the case.
Anyway, we came up with a sort of compromise. I won't push the issue
anymore, unless i feel a really strong need to talk to one of them for
some reason. And in that case of course they have the right to say no.
But we talked about maybe some of them, if they wanted to, writing
their own intros to me. Sarah gave me little paragraph intros on some
of them, but it looked like one person wrote all of them. Maybe not,
that's just how it seemed. This way, they could introduce themselves.
It would be more real for me in person I think, but I can understand
how that could be awkward. Perhaps this way it could help open some
dialog and sharing with some of them if they want to do that.
I think that's about it as far as what we talked about. Now to talk
about ghosts from the past. Man, this is draining, but it needs to be
done. And I need something to focus on right now anyway.
When we read the second side of the bok, there was a lot that rang a
bell. But that's getting ahead of myself. A little family history here.
My mom definitely did not have a pretty childhood. She was raised by an
alcoholic father and a mother who always seemed to me to be pretty
emotionally distant. I know she was sexually abused or raped at least
once, but can't remember who it was that did it. I know it wasn't her
dad, someone else. She was pretty rebelious, and was even put into a
girls home at one point. Her mom never realy talked to her about stuff.
She got terrified when she started her period because she had no idea
what it was. In her late teens she got involved with a guy named
Michael, and she really loved him. But he was killed in a motorcycle
accident. She always told me that if that hadn't happened, she would
have married him and he would have been my father.
I don't remember when that happened exactly, but I know she got
involved wiht a few guys after that. One of them was Steve, and he got
her pregnant. When I was born, Steve and my mom talked about marrying.
But she didn't love him in that way.
I don't remember the events after that. I think I was six months old
when my mom and Brian married, but maybe that's when they met. Not
sure. Anyway, I never called Brian "dad", but always referred to him as
my dad to others. It was just easier that way. He did end up fathering
my sister when I was six. then they divorced when i was ten.
Brian was never much of a father. He didn't seem to have much of a
childhood either, though I don't know many details. He just wasn't
emotional unless he was mad. It wans't like he was unloving in the
sense that he hated or just didn't care about us. I can remember some
somewhat tender moments. But looking at the big picture, he was just
sort of there. He never was interested in going to anything that we did
in school. Mom went, but he never did. His way of showing love was to
do things for us, build things or whatever. Rarely did he set
boundaries, but if we did something really wrong he'd yell at us or
spank us. I know he and my mom both did drugs when I was really little.
Mom quit, but Brian probably still smokes pot to this day. Of course, I
didn't know about that until my teenage years. I never felt like I
could talk to him unless I was just totally desperate. One example I
remember is trying to tell him about my newfound faith. His response
was "don't worry, you'll grow out of it." That really hurt. Still does.
His was probably a prime example of wanting to love but having nothing
in his tank to give. So he loved with material things, with the
occasional trips to the park. When he was in a good mood he was a
pleasure to be around. But when he wasn't it was scary. He never hurt
us, but it felt like the potential was there.
Mom on the other hand really did do her best. But that doesn't mean
there weren't painful things. I rarely talk to her either because I
felt that I was criticized if things didn't make sense to her. Or I
should say the potential was there. It didn't always happen but I never
knew. To her I was too sensitive, cried too much, cared too much about
things I couldn't do anything about. Perhaps some of this was true, but
instead of trying to help me deal with those things she indirectly
encouraged me to just ignore them. At the same time, yes ther ewas
emotional incest sometimes. I remember her telling me about how when I
was about two years old she went through a very deep depression, and
how I was her only reason to live at that point. I don't remember any
of that, but surely at that age I had to know. I became her confidant
many times through my childhood. I didn't know how to play that role,
but I did my best because she was my mom and I loved her. The thing is,
I'm having a hard time now with the concept that this is a negative
thing. I felt privelleged that she trusted me like that even though I
was still a child. It put us on a somewhat equal level and it made me
feel important and wanted and like I had something to give. It's hard
to consider that kind of trust as abuse. But then again, those times
were when we were the closest. Not all the time, but many times when
that wasn't happening I was just doing my own thing while mom watched
television. God, no wonder feeling shut out or not needed/trusted cuts
so deep. This whole thing set the stage for me to take on the strong,
sensitive, caretaker role. And yet, no one else let me do that, and no
one else would do it for me. So I ended up gravitating to the one way
friendships, where I would give and give willingly but could never get
anything back. And this whole cycle makes it hard for me to respond in
healthy ways to what should be and can be healthy, two way give and
take friendships.
So again I'm at the point of what do I do about all this. I can't heal
the second layer until I heal the third layer. But how do I do that?
This is where it always gets stuck. I can't change the fact that I
never had a healthy male relationship as a child. Well Tony could sort
of be considered that I guess, but it took years to really feel
comfortable with him. I can't change the fact that I sometimes played a
parent to my mom. I can't change the fact that I never truly had
emotional understanding and support from either adults or peers. the
closest adult that came to that drew away and eventually committed
suicide. How am I supposed to heal these things. I can barely even feel
the emotions of them. they are just facts, just there to analyze. I can
say well I need to feel the emotions, but I can't seem to find them.
Be sure to check out my introductory page and links to the different diary rings I'm a part of. Start here to learn about me.
Visit my web site at Faylen.com, or feel free to Email me.
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