pregnant
well, i've suspected i was pregnant for a few weeks. i've gained weight rapidly, my breasts have been ridiculously swollen, and i've been having horrible cramping. but i convinced myself that i was just being paranoid, as i've had several 'pregnancy scares' in the past. three days ago i bled a little bit and thought it was the start of my period...i had managed to convince myself that things were really going to be 'okay'.
when i woke up two days ago and realized that i had never actually started my period, i was scared. yesterday i went down to rite aid and bought a bottle of wine, vogue, and an ept. i was hoping that when the test came back negative i could celebrate with the bottle of wine and the vogue.
instead, i went home, ripped open the box, took the test...and saw the digital screen come up "Pregnant". i was frozen, shocked, and scared. i couldn't imagine how it could have happened because i'm always safe. always. but i've been having sex for years now and statistically i guess i should have seen it coming.
i called michael immediately and he came home from work. i collapsed into sobs and convinced myself that i was going to have an abortion. because, i thought, i can't have a baby. i literally can't. i won't be able to handle it. i'm a mess right now.
and then i talked to michael for a long time. we talked about every option and he told me it would break his heart if i had an abortion. which made me feel more secure. and i talked to jack. and to julie etie who is a mother already herself.
and i thought about being raised christian. and how i could never have an abortion considering what i believe. i thought about how i would feel for the rest of my life if i did. i realized that for me, abortion is simply not a choice i have to make. because in my heart it was never really an option.
after that i went to lie down and had a few pieces of birthday cake (god, i feel like sobbing at the thought that just a few days ago i was turning 21 and feeling like all my crazy times were about to start). then i watched some episodes of Will and Grace, took a bath, and realized that i am having this baby.
I'm going to be a mother. I'm going to gain even more weight, and my body is going to change, and I'm going to have to go through childbirth, and at the end there will be a life that I am responsible for. Basically, all the stuff that has completely frightened me since I learned where babies come from.
But it doesn't matter, because that is my life now. It isn't just about me anymore...it isn't just about me anymore.
I'm terrified to tell my family. I know they'll still love me and all of that, but it is going to be a real heartbreak for my parents. Especially because they hate Michael. I feel a bit heartbroken for Michael as well. He's younger than me, and I'm his first relationship. It's a lot different for him. He hasn't really been through his crazy stage. He hasn't had his heart broken. He isn't even old enough to drink legally. And he's going to be a father.
Life is so utterly strange. Yesterday my life was one way, and today it's completely different. I think I'm still greiving the life I thought I had. I think it's okay to do that.
I'm going to be a mother.