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what a way to go [blow by blow]
March 04, 2024 //_ 2:45 PM

all the apple-ologies for the absense. i never forget about you tho, and that's a truth.

today is one of two days i get some semi-alone time while my husbands at work. and i'm half-sad to say i crave this time alone.. and half-sad he's not here to experience it with me. it's two sides of a coin for me; while on one side, when i'm alone i feel completely free to be as erratic and spontaneous as i please - and the other when he's around is a more structured, and albeit more calm side. it's not that i feel like i can't be 'myself' around him.. it's that i realize how insanely .. (ugh i barf at what i'm about to say) ..gemini i am when he's not around.

i start SO many projects SI-MUL-TANEY-US-LLLLYYY on the fly and usually scramble my last hour or two alone to tie all the loose pieces together. it's something i've noticed all my life.

i love to dabble in everything but i never get to master anything.

today i took out all the vinyls we've accumulated and organized them. it was just something i'd been meaning to do (also to get reacquainted by them). ended up listening to Robyns "Honey" album and was blown away.. always knew the album was good but honestly, in the perspective of losing someone/thing and trying to see the light - it's a glorious album.

on a side note, i believe i've nailed Jordan down for a little date night this coming saturday night.. to kinda reconnect and with the goal to talk about our feelings from the campfire and hopefully fully talk about it all.

reason being, after i was in a therapy session- i realized Jordan and i never FULLY got any time to talk about how we were feeling / what was going on with us internally because we spent almost every moment dealing with a literal psychotic bitch we were forced to live with (his fathers ex wife) who - granted - allowed us to stay with them for .. what must've been a month (?) but FELT like a year. in that short amount of time we were FORCED to throw parties for HER shitty rich "friends" and mourn their 'burned yachts' and 'semi-damaged land' .. meanwhile us, newly homeowners lost EV-ER-Y-THING were barely noticed, acknowledged but GODDAMN if we even tried to step away from any of these gatherings for being labeled "ungrateful."

what-the-fuck-ever, i can't get into that.

but he and i never got our mourning, our hurt, our pain, our healing together alone.. even after we moved out of that hellscape, we landed safely with our close friend who (forever grateful) allowed us to stay with her in an apartment, but then that turned into helping her out when we purchased a new house - leaving Jordan and i technically never alone, in a place that is 'ours,' for FIVE years.

needless to say, we've acquired quite a bit of emotional avoid-ability and intimacy walls. and i won't lie, i personally am responsible for even lying the foundation for that intimacy wall before the campfire even happened- but getting to the root of why was eviscerated when the campfire happened.

starting therapy last year has been beneficial in bringing to light where my current pain lies, but i have yet to clear it out of the way so i can get down to the true roots.

okay. i feel like this is finally a fully-fledged, unhinged chaotic entry that will immediately be forgotten about.. but i'm glad i got here.

funny how growing up, all you want is attention .. but now, where i am, i am just SO glad no one knows about my diaryland. (well, except the bitches i love the most) .. okay i'm also tipsy. time to go.

this whole entry i've been playing Moloko / Roisin Murphy songs on random and the title of this entry has changed 3 times, so i just had to give credit to mother for giving me the energy to keep it going.

.. has anyone noticed the latest news was from april 6, 2020?.. shit, i love this place. please don't ever leave me, diaryland.

xxx

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xxx