I think I'll go for a bit I want to be as obsessed with myself as I was with my parents And then Sehrish And then Victor And then Mira And then Rayanne And then Nora And then Sara And then Mina And then Sara And then Salim And then Sara And then Noha And then Salim And then Kato And then Salim And then Kato And then Kojak And then Kato And then Nady And then Kato And then Omar And then my sister I'd pick a person and I'd make them my whole world Since I was 6 until a year and a bit ago One person into whom I could pour all the love I lacked Gibran says sorrow is a well that carves us deeper to hold more love I have so much love that I'm desperate for And it comes out in such a suffocating and fearful way I thought after Mama died After I chose to stop fighting for a connection with Sally And with the tatters of my family left behind I thought it was my turn I didn't let anyone in the way I did before I love Marko but I never let him take over I thought now I can be obsessed with myself I'm angry at God, I'm angry at myself for being drained I'm ashamed of my pruney heart and Kummerspeck ("grief fat" -- Germans are funnier than I thought) Now it's my turn So I stopped lying And I asked for help I stopped lying to myself and I stopped lying to my family And they noticed And it wasn't so suffocating to sit with Rania Or Tante Zizi And then I stopped smoking I closed my eyes and pressed my face up to the sun I smelled the trees I watched the birds and listened to their dramas I fed the garden cats who always reminded me of the spirits in Ghibli films Elegantly strolling on the outer walls of the villas with their tails sassily undulating behind them I floated over gentle waves and gazed into the endless sky until I was the sky And I was the sea And I was infinite (When the tide was low anyway) I sat and listened to witchy Kenzy's stream of consciousness about God and faith and trust and moving through fear I answered every probing question with care I'm so afraid I've always been so afraid I listened to Tante Samia's stories about a whole life of love and loss And the other sea grannies spoke wistfully about their lives too-- their eyes had pain and affection "Cause my love is mine all mine I kept singing and humming that with Nour And then me... And then Nour She's such a baby, pure like babies are Violently selfish like babies are And you can't get mad Sweet and incapable of understanding like babies are And then Nour Nour, Nour, Nour I thought, maybe all the way to the end with Nour? Sea grannies together in Sahel every summer with Nour It made sense, of course I'd pick an Alexandrian girl And I kept humming and singing the song "Nothing in the world belongs to me, And then Nour And then me All the way to the end with me |