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I hope IMm normal when I can sleep
October 2, 2022 •
27:51:49
October 2, 2022 27:52 via April 20, 2024 26:something
brutal night
food and feces mixing
became extremely bristly while taking the dog out
from
sleep deprivation
and all the filth
and repeatedly coming in contact
with things i didnt want to touch me
thought of how people look down on
people like me
for being upset
frustrated
obsessive
compulsive
fixated
weak
weak
weak
no amount of the contamination i'm
experiencing
counts for anything
so i make myself more
distant
more alone
and that is fine
with everyone
no mourning the
invisible
trying to shut off the lecherous part of my personality with my friend
so i don't get treated like a loser creep anymore
turning that off made me realize im not weird toward her
im just extremely frustrated and depressed
i'm weird from that
it is the way it is with or without her
worse without
and being a creep just makes it bearable
and its fun to be that way
when you arent alone
without a friend, the frustration, dread and isolation is all that's left
excitement
colliding with anger and terminating.
then she went one at length about her bf and how much he likes her tits and plans to keep upgrading them
which was once cool to hear
but now that i'm not myself, it isn't fun.
i'm just hearing about a guy that everyone likes and has unlimited access to cans, which i like too, intensely, but have zero access, and the funds to create cans if he wants more. and has my friend too.
walking the dog and its 3am
just passed an outhouse that made me sick
then she talked about how her bf cries over sentimental things
despite looking like someone who does that
and how much everyone admires him
amd i just keep thinking about how much i look like someone who cries
i wouldn't know
i don't see enough people to know how weak i appear to them
but she knows my secrets
which is acute enough a point
for me to circle and spiral around
like the flies that fill my mom's house
i could bring up my feelings and thoughts and shit
but i don't feel like generating another long discussion
about all the things that matter to me and matter to no one else
maybe i can join the ranks of people who don't care later
so i don't have to waste more of her time on things that never seem to stop hurting me
matter to no one else
are embarrassing to say out loud
and difficult for even me to understand
don't want to show her how much i'm circling drains
i just want to be normal enough
for her to tolerate me the creepy weirdo i used to be openly
maybe i broke everything i liked
maybe its possible to find other things i like
i don't see anything else
only what was
and what is not
i keep wanting to visit her
after all the times i didnt
but when its like this
and i'm preoccupied with image and status
do i really want to live that in 3D
where they can both see me
and form thoughts about me
say things when i'm gone
or maybe say it to my face
just to drive it home
when she says things like that
i think of my overly affectionate numerous letters i've been stuffing into a black envelope
and it makes me never want them to be seen
because when she gets them
maybe they'll be ignored at best
all this stuff that I made a point of completing every day
because to me it matters
more than it should
depending how she receives it
like oh thanks for the mail.
or these seem like they're from a weak and wretched pervert
someone who looks like they cry
maybe they'll be unremarkable enough for her to never glance through them
for longer than a moment
that might be ideal
really
the messages will be sent soon
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