2003-08-20 - 6:29 p.m.
Fuck this shit. So he's home. And despite the fact that he fucked some other girl while he was gone, I'm the bad guy! I fooled around with his roommate (like he's been fucking telling me to do for a year!!!) and because I didn't tell him right after it happened he's mad at me and thinks that I fucked the roommate. He's saying I lied to him about it WRONG!!! The moment he asked me (which was within the first few hours of him being home) I told him the truth. He fucking asked me, just out of the blue "so who did you have sex with while i was gone" and immediately i responded "no one, but Z and I fooled around a little bit". And guess what thats exactly how it happened when I found out that he fucked someone else. I said "i'm the only one you've been having sex with reguarly this past year, right" and he stalled and then said "well not exactly..." given that he was someplace where he couldn't just tell me flat out over the phone but how the fuck was I supposed to know that. Which is why i waited till he got home and I was going to tell him myself without him asking me and guess what...thats not good enough. Its not like I said.."I've been totally good." And now he fucking treats me like he used to. Like I didn't go into the fucking military for him!! Like I haven't sat around the goddamn house for the past 4 months waiting for him to get home, not knowing when he was coming home or where he was. As though I didn't ditch all my friends and give up my whole life to be with him. As though I didn't give him anything and everything he wanted for the last year and a half. No...because She was with him where he was for the past 6 months, every fucking day, talking to him, taking care of him...she's better than me. Well FUCK THAT! If he would have fucking told me where he was and let me be with him I WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME!! But no....he always has to have someone else. One is never enough. He always has to have someone that prioritizes me. And he knows that I can't just walk away from him that I am way too in love with him to just walk away. It breaks me heart. And he tells me to go away so he can talk to HER even though he's spent the last 6 months with her FUCKING HER!! leading me to believe that it wasn't a regular thing. But guess what he fucked her once a week to "relax". Bunk Fucked up....I'm tired....so tired....and lord forbid i let him see me cry. So i better go wipe my tears away before he gets home from the "store" with her. Right...the store. I'm sure....bull shit. OH and to top it off...he'll be spending the weekend introducing her to his parents. But I"M supposed to be his wife. Even though he's introduced her as his wife and not me. He won't even refer to me as fucking girlfriend anymore. I'm just his student. Who he's inlove with. Can have sex with whenever he wants...will give him whatever he wants but because he wouldn't let me help him when he was in that bad place...I will never be able to compare to her.
I FUCKING HATE THIS....I GAVE UP EVERYTHING FOR HIM. SO THAT I WOULD BE THE ONE!!! BUT IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH. He says that he doesn't want to hurt anymore...well guess what...neiether do I... But he knew, he fucking KNEW it would break my heart for him to find new students, for him to call them and talk to them as often as he talks to me...for him to sleep with her...but guess what...he didn't fucking care. Even though I was his "golden child" his beautiful butterfly.
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