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2024-02-26
Today’s lesson on ethics:

As an adult, how do you tell someone that you aren’t interested in meeting for coffee without being rude?

My mother was always a yes person. I’m not. I think the latter of that stems from her forcing me into situations that made me socially uncomfortable when i was a teen and even early adulthood. Now that i’m married, i don’t feel the need to people please- i never did but it’s more apparent now. I’ve self rebelled and i’m not sorry for doing so.
I believe in genuine connections and friendships. I don’t like forcing things that aren’t there, especially friendships.

For the past three weeks, i’ve been attending a sort of bible study thing and i sit in a group of about 10-11 women of various ages and backgrounds. We share, read from the workbook we’re using as a guide and talk about struggles we face on the daily. The lead of the group is a nice girl, her assistant is a bit snarky but nothing too bad. She created a Whatsapp group in case we had any questions or concerns. I don’t normally like giving out my number unless you’re someone i like/trust or see myself communicating with and becoming good friends with. While everyone is nice and funny, i don’t see myself forming a close relationship with any of them and that’s okay. You’re not meant to be friends with everyone just because they’re nice and vise versa.

I got an individual message on my whatsapp from the group lead and she told me she was praying for my husband and i and would i be available to have a coffee with her sometime next week.
The introvert in me came out immediately thinking what i would even say. How do i politely say no thank you without giving too much information as to why but leaving the door open for communication another way?

One thing i always hated about my mother was that for example, if she wasn’t able to pick up someone’s call, she’d call them up later going into a detailed explanation as to what she was doing and why she couldn’t answer them. I got upset with her one time and told her she didn’t owe anyone a play by play explanation. A simple ‘Hi i was busy, what’s up’ is more than enough. People don’t need to know everything about you. Especially those who are acquaintances and nothing else.

Did i really need to go into detail with Leader Girl as to why i wouldn’t? No. But did i also not want to sound rude? Of course. “Because i don’t want to…” should be a good enough reason but it does sound rude. And in reality, i didn’t see any good reason to meet up with her in person for coffee when we could discuss anything she might have on her mind to share with me via text or whatsapp. This is someone i’m going to keep seeing once a week for however much longer this course is and IF i decide to continue on with the second and third levels.

I didn’t answer her right away, but eventually i said something along the lines of:
“Thank you for praying for me and my husband. We really appreciate it and can’t wait to be together permanently. As far as meeting up, i’m occupied during the day and lately, i have other personal commitments and also to my husband. It’s easier for me to communicate via e-mail, text or message so please feel free and open to message me whenever you want, to discuss anything that’s on your mind, heart or about the group or simply to say hello, And again thank you so much for praying for us.” I left the door completely open so she could speak to me about anything on her mind but i didn’t give her any timeline of availability because i simply don’t plan on meeting up.

Church [sometimes] still makes me feel uncomfortable because i’m going through a tough time and i don’t like sharing my private life with people i’m not close to.
She didn’t reply to my message yet, and i suspect that if she has something to say to me, she will when i see her again. I just have no intention of elaborating on anything i said to her in my message when i see her again in case she asks. I said all that was necessary without going into a full explanation while being polite. That’s about all anyone outside my close circle is getting from me these days and moving forward, i plan to keep that going. I fully plan on releasing from my life all the trauma from forced situations i was emotionally manipulated into doing growing up and i’m going to be living life with my husband on our terms, no matter who gets upset at me for it.

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