4:49 a.m.
now i'm up in vancity.
listening to: bodyache by purity ring
feeling: awake, it's kind of late for me to write this, but it's whatever.
it's been almost a year since the last update, huh? a lot has changed. since the last update, as of september 2014, moved back to florida. jordan and i made the drive since he couldn't find any work out in LA either, the industry's was pretty meh over there. with the allure of cheaper outsourcing to other countries looking better to companies, it's getting increasingly harder to find work. well actually, it's not just finding work that is hard, it is keeping it that is the other half of the battle. anywho, it was a pretty interesting drive. we got across the states again in about the same time it took tony and i initially making the trip two years ago (!) to get back to florida. unfortunately, my air condition inside my car decided to just quit on us at the border of california and arizona, which if you didn't know, is an incredibly hot area. so basically for the rest of the trip, we had no a/c, so we had the windows down pretty much the entire time, and tried to keep cold drinks on us and stuff as much as we could. finally got back, and hung out in jax for a few days before taking jordan back to west palm since it was on the way to my sister's. speaking of family, of course there had to be some stupid family drama that i thought was over. but it's all good. i'm done with it, i'm done dealing with it. i'm just not going to talk about it here since i don't want to, all i'm going to say is that respect is a two way road. enough about that, let's move on to my birthday month, which was really fun. turned 26, definitely didn't want to since i'm that much closer to 30, but then again it's just a number. hung out a lot, watched alien movies and played alien isolation which was really good. played a ton of destiny while i was home as well, it's kind of why i got a lot of progress while i was home.
now don't get me wrong, being home was cool, it was fun. but honestly, back home there really wasn't much for me, like industry wise. i tried looking for retail work for a while, but it was one of those "too overqualified" type deals since i've already had professional experience in the vfx industry, so a lot of people were pretty gunshy to hire me because they were afraid i would leave if a better opportunity came up, which is true, i totally would have. thanksgiving came and went, it was pretty good, had it a few days early since my mom went out of town for a bit. think i had one of my patented house parties whilst she was gone, good times. oh, and i picked up a wiiU around that time, too. good stuff. so this is when things start getting interesting. an old friend from stereo d, randy, got a hold of me about an opportunity in vancouver for a company called gener8. now i've heard of the place, heard it was pretty cool, and had quite a few friends there already, so of course i jumped at the opportunity, and after some sleepless nights working on samples for them, i managed to land not just the interview (with robert and senh, who would turn out to be the supervisor and my first lead) but also the job offer by december 8.
that was when things were speeding up like crazy, like before i even got the interview, or even did the samples, i had just renewed my passport, so the timing was very good. i'm still kind of bummed because i was actually planning on driving up to atlanta at some point to visit alex and her family again since i was in town and didn't mind long drives (oh and cause my a/c was fixed at the time!). unfortunately due to travel prep and holidays and such coming up, i couldn't make it, so i had to take a rain check with her. someday i'll see her in person again though, and i look forward to it. moving along, christmas came and went and i also had another party as a sort of another last hurrah at my house, had some fun times as usual. and then came the usual things like sacred santa and new years. well sacred santa did happen during new years eve. i could only hang out so late because i literally had to leave within hours of midnight, so got to hang out with everyone in riverside and ate chinese food with them.
after i left, just went home to finish packing, and then my mom and i went to the airport so that she could see me off, and by lunch time that day, i was all the way up here in vancouver after a stop in chicago. definitely a big change, but luckily i ran into my other friend rick and his girlfriend at the airport so that they could help me with things at immigration and with currency exchange. and then i made my way to my hotel downtown, the ramada off of pender. pretty nice place actually. free breakfast, actual really good wifi (got to play destiny without problem) and nice clean rooms. aside from that just explored downtown after locking down my cell phone, bank and SIN number. had tim horton's for the first time, and that night, ended up at EXP restaruant and bar just a block away from the hotel and had things like really good tacos, the triforce burger and the pokemon challenge shots, it was actually pretty good. by saturday i was moved in with randy and erik, since i had to wait until their previous roommate, joslyn moved out.
so as i literally arrived on thursday the 1st, i started work on the following monday, the 5th. it was a little awkward since i was kind of on my own in my own little corner, someone was supposed to sit next to me, but they got turned around at the border for being drunk and lying about not having a DUI, which they did. but anywho, it was a bit awkward at first since i wasn't sure if i was doing alright, but it turns out i was doing better than i thought i was. about two or three weeks in, they even gave me my own scratch shot that i had to be in charge of. so i had help from people from different pods. that was when i first met shirin. i'll get back to her later. eventually after i was out of the nursery, by the end of january/start of february i was moved to derek's pod, which was probably the best one for me to move to. everyone was cool there, derek is an avid eva fan, aleks is just a cool dude in general, josh knows a ton about games, and last but certainly not least, was shirin. this is where things get interesting.
now the first thing i noticed about her was her eyes. she has incredibly fucking beautiful eyes. like i'm not even joking, i almost never say that. i first met her when she came by the help me on that shot, i thought she was really weird at first, like very mousy. kept to herself a lot, but she's actually really cool when you actually get to know her. and honestly, the thing that really drew me to her was when i actually found out we were very close in age, like she's 25 and i'm 26. so that's why we really had a lot to talk about since she grew up with a lot of the same things i did. and honestly, that is a little bit of a big deal for me, like it's been a while since i've found someone much closer to my age that i was actually into. but yeah, didn't want to deal with bullshit, so i was pretty quick to let her know that i digged her after i got to know her more a bit first, like over the course of february, we actually got pretty close. but while i did find out that she liked me too, i also learned she had eyes for someone else at the time. fast forward to the end of february, saw her makin out with him (we'll call him limey, as all of us eventually did) at the club and at the time i just didn't want to deal with it. so for the next few weeks i just didn't really talk to her unless she talked to me first, i mean it was her business so i'm not one to butt in. i don't remember much from that night cause i got incredibly drunk and threw up in the sink in the men's room ahaha. she was also on our trivia team, the breakfast club, which had her, aleks, josh, connor, jorge, mona and some other peeps there. we won three times in a row, and it was awesome. they were called the breakfast club because they went to go get breakfast at least once a week during lunch. after i joined we used to go to like timmys (hortons) and nice cafe or pretty much anywhere with breakfast, it was pretty cool. all this was fun and games, until the fire nation attacked. by which i mean about a week ago, monday march 23rd, some shit went down. basically started off like any other monday. had lunch at timmys with aleks and josh, then after lunch, dona and robert and pia told me to go to a meeting with a bunch of other people at 1:30. basically the meeting was to "thank us for all our hard work and that unfortunately we were being laid off and that we had to leave the building as soon as we could". i wasn't that surprised due to hearing about that prime focus "partnership" (read: buyout). money does strange things to people sometimes. either way, everyone else was clued in to what was going on while we were in the "meeting" so that it wouldn't be awkward when they saw us all packing our shit and leaving.
it was awkward, though. so there i was, cleaning up my stuff, packing my nendoroids and such, when shirin starts talking to me. she was apologizing about the whole meeting thing and i was like it's cool, it's not your fault. she has a pretty weird habit of apologizing for things that aren't her fault. sometimes it's kind of annoying, other times it's endearing. but then she was like "hey, forget about it, how about we go for drinks later?" so i was like sure. after meeting up with fellow ex-employees of gener8, i went home to go sent my resume and such to angela (who is a dear, she set up a little mini job fair for us). i was like oh, i'm meeting up with shirin, i better take a shower first since it was raining earlier in the day. so i turn on the water, step in, and then i slipped. took the shower curtain and curtain rod down with me, and it hit me in the head on the way down, and then at some point i scratched my arm and leg up. there i was just in an awkward position in the tub and i was just like, this day really does suck. but you know, my day did get astronomically better when i met up with shirin. we decided on this place called craft beer market near work and science world off of 1st. and honestly, it was pretty much exactly what i needed. like, we had dinner and drinks, like a massive platter of nachos. and we just talked for so long about just everything. family, love lives, etc. it was then when i found out about how she and limey weren't dating, and that that time i saw them was only because she was drunk and she wanted to give him a chance at the time, but it didn't work out, turns out she doesn't really like him all that much. now in my head, i was like yesss, but at the same time, after talking together while inebriated, it seems like she doesn't know what she wants right now. i mean i'm definitely still into her, no doubt about that, but if she doesn't want to start anything with me then that's cool, i'm just happy to hang out with her, but yeah, makes me wonder when i'll find someone who actually likes me for me, like i thought i found that with her, but unfortunately it just looks like she'll just become a good, close friend of mine, which she has, but i'm just like "always a bridesmaid never a bride" type deal, you know? but the thing that really made me appreciate it the most was like, she covered everything, the food, the drinks, and even the cab ride home. such a total sweetheart, like i don't know many people who would do that for me. i feel bad because i offered to pay for my share or even like split the bill, but she insisted, so i accepted. but only after we both agreed that i would get everything next time we went out.
so in the end, i'm definitely super into her. the thing is, as she's a girl in this industry, a really cool and really pretty one, at that (my god those eyes, seriously, i get lost in them every time i talk to her). she could honestly have any guy she wants, so i honestly don't think she'd be messing around with me. but i gotta say, last monday night was pretty rad, it was real. a really good end to a really shitty day. i can fantasize all i want, but who knows what will happen, i'm not going to get invested, especially now that i don't work with her anymore, but i still want to hang out with her, and see what happens, i doubt anything will come of it, but it's whatever, i'm used to it.
so this brings us to the present, after the job fair thing on friday, i came up with some good leads on jobs, so this morning i'm going to follow up with them. i am seriously hoping i can find some more work soon, cause yeah, it'd definitely help. i kind of see gener8 as a stepping stone to get into canada, they paid for my work permit and helped with my plane ticket here, so yeah thats like a jump off point right there. i'll keep a positive head about this, i got this.
in other news, i'm writing a rap song currently. it's going to be horrible and hilarious. so far it's coming along, have about a minute worth currently written of about almost 3 minute instrumental. it's basically a celebration of all things me, where i am, where i'm from, who i am, etc. it'll be fun and i'll post it on soundcloud when it is done.
but yeah, that's life up to now since late last year, moving up here was a really big confidence boost for me, new job, new year, new country. was hoping i'd do better in the romance department this year, and was hoping i'd find something like that with shirin, but right now that's just up in the air. it's probably weird, but i still have feelings for alex, even though yeah, that whole situation. like we've been a lot closer over the past year ever since i've come to accept everything, it's just yeah, like i just want a nice girl to hang out with and be my girl. one day i'll find her.
it's late, this is probably the longest entry i've put in a while, but shit, i felt like i needed to vent, and i feel a lot better. so when future me reads this, i just want you know, keep it going man. no matter how you're doing in life when you read this, i want you to know that you're doing great. keep on keeping on.
'peace.
5:47 a.m.
living.
listening to: without you by spooky black
feeling: chill, nostalgic, somewhat melancholic
updates
well, back in LA after the last job. went home for about a week and a half. mostly cause of tricia and corpus' wedding, which went pretty well, in my opinion. got to rock a tux, looked sharp, it was nice seeing everyone dressed up nice for once. aside from that, just hung out with people throughout the week. taco tuesday, publix subs, steak n shake, the works. basically limited myself to stuff that i could only get on the east coast. saw captain america: the winter soldier early, and also watched the grand budapest hotel as well. met up with tony's grandma for lunch and talked for a while, still got no clarity on the situation at all, so it's whatever, just gonna leave it on the backburner for a while.
got back to LA, went to the league championships here in LA, had a pretty good time. Now i'm just looking for a job again. remaining pretty hopeful since everyone seems to be finding work, so i shouldn't be too far behind.
romance wise, i've just been talking to different people about it, still not too sure what i'm looking for. part of me wants to try to start something with the girls i already know, but another part of me wants to find someone new. i'm still a little hung up on alex, which i know i should be over, since i know it will never happen. but still, every time i see a picture of her, i can't help but just look and just sigh with an uneasy feeling of what could have been, had the circumstances been different. oh well. i'm perfectly fine with being single for now, but i wouldn't mind finding a nice girl to care for.
it is pretty late. probably gonna cut this one off.
5:14 p.m.
new place, new job, moving on.
listening to: all the places by made in heights
feeling: kinda hung up on recent events, but at the same time, feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders.
well, it's been a little bit since the last update, so i decided it was time for another one. since the last one, let's see...
place
our gang has grown by 3, so not just me, carrie and ricky, but now heidi, heather and mike up in our 3 story condo in van nuys. area's a bit ghetto, but the place is nice enough, and i'm fine living in the fungeon, i think my room's probably the coolest out of them all. it was a mad dash to get here, too. i got back from FL on the 5th, but we needed to be out by the 15th, but since we're a team of ultimate badasses, we actually got everything out (save for the swiffer) by the 14th. not entirely without problem (acidentally shattered part of my glass display case from ikea), but we did pretty good considering. renting/moving/returning the U-Haul was quick and painless. everything else has just been alright, save for some somewhat broken appliances, but those will apparently be fixed later. there was also the fact that i won't be eating hot dogs anytime soon thanks to that $1 movie theater hot dog.
family
well, things seem to be doing pretty well here. went to disney with everyone for christmas and that was an incredibly good time for all. it was pretty nostalgic doing everything with my family, haven't done all that since i was a kid. i mean, it was a good time, so no complaints, mom's gonna visit here at the new place in march, too.
friends
well, tony situation is unresolved for now, unfortunately. dunno if or when it's gonna be fixed. everyone else seemed to be doing alright when i was home, and there is also tricia and corpus' wedding to look forward to in march.
romance
i guess this is the big one this update, in case i forgot, around my birthday last year, i decided that i wanted to try to get over alex, and that meant just not talking to her, ignoring her texts, etc. well, last weekend, i decided that was a stupid idea, so i shot her a text asking if we could talk, she was excited and agreed to a video chat even, so i was happy about that, since she said she missed me and was worried about me. well, fast forward to this past wednesday. we're in the call, seeing how each other is doing, and eventually it got to the point where i was finally open with my feelings about her. and you know what, she was appreciative and was actually very flattered, which made me happy, but.. essentially, she came out to me right then and there. so, yeah, there's that. now, in all honesty, i'm not exactly like happy about it, like not because she's gay, but like, it's just i wish things were different and that i wish she could be with me. i'm incredibly relived that i finally got my feelings off my chest and that i can finally move on for good. i'm just a little hung up about it, like i'll be jealous of whoever eventually makes her happy, since i know it will never be me .it's like, if everyone's a little gay, why can't she be a little straight? heh, that's just me complaining to myself. but in the end, that's fine, it's okay to have these feelings, you just have to not let them get to you. ah well, such is life, i guess. God has a twisted sense of humor, girl of my dreams turns out to be a lesbian. i mean, don't get me wrong, that's actually pretty cool, but i just wish we could have had something. oh well, at least i'll have all the good memories with her...
time to find someone new.
4:32 a.m.
up all night to get... lucky?
feeling: not too sure. all i know is that i should definitely be sleeping right now.
music: lykke li - i follow rivers
kinda funny how things change in just a few months. a shit-ton of things have changed in the past several months. my job at stereo D came and went, got seven movies under my belt as of this writing, which is pretty good, in my opinion. but once june came, i got laid off unfortunately. i did meet a lot of awesome people, leads and co-workers. all new friends, speaking of which i need to plan out a get together with them soon. since then, i've been trying to find new work. i should really update my reel but i'm just having trouble finding the drive for it. i'm livin off of unemployment, which is working alright but it kind of sucks since like, it's been incredibly slow for the job market, not just in the CG/FX industry, but just in general. i know this type of thing should concern me, but for whatever reason, i'm feeling kind of apathetic towards it. it's just like, even know i don't know what the future will hold, i want to take it in full stride. i'm not scared of the future, i just want to survive.
i know i try to give this air of being cool, calm and collected, but in reality i feel like i don't really have control over my life. that being said, i do have it pretty good. living in a nice apartment in LA with some really good friends of mine, working in the industry i've always wanted to (or at least i did for a while and trying to break my way back into). i just want to find work, and then my troubles will be over, from what i can tell. i really have to work on improving not just my reel, but myself as well. need to get back to working out, getting nicer clothes and such. it'll be a little while for everything to happen, but i want to do it. i need to do it. life's about growing after all.
speaking of life, the other huge change in life is definitely what happened to Tony. my (i guess former now) best friend, my partner in crime has changed, and i'm not quite sure if it was for the better. he told everyone he found a lady in march. eventually he stopped playing video games with us, which is understandable, he wants to spend time with his lady. then he stops answering our texts and calls. alright, that's alright i guess. then i hear he calls emily up and yells at her out of the blue. then i hear about how he gets kicked out of his house and stuff. and recently i hear he knocked her up? now that's definitely not the tony i know. i had an interesting conversation with cooper last week, we were talking about all these backwards-ass choices he's been making. he was making incredibly drastic changes in life when it was becoming incredibly stagnant. as far as life went, i really wasn't sure where tony was going, but i guess this is the push he really needed. but in my opinion the price he paid to get where he is now, was far too great. basically getting rid of perfectly rational friends and family to be with the woman you love? apparently she's incredibly controlling, like when grandma tries to talk to tony, the lady doesn't allow tony to talk and she actually replies for him. sounds pretty messed up. but hey, tony said he was happy when he texted me recently, so i guess if he's happy it's whatever. i respect the fact that he really needed to change his life for the better, but i still think the choices he made were stupid as hell. time will tell to see what happens, though.
i guess i'll finish it up with how things have been going in the relationship department on my end. i've been in kind of a quandary when it comes to alex. it's been nearly year (!) since i've seen her and it's kind of starting to get to me. i've been just like, looking at pictures of her and i, and it's just like, i really want to be with her, but i don't have the money to go visit. i feel like i should be moving on since i'm all the way across the country and even though the feelings are still there, i can't seem to do anything about them. also, i'm not sure if she'll be headin to LA eventually. i would love her to so we can hang like we used to, and maybe start something. but being real, that just seems like a dream that will never be. i have no idea what'll happen. i know i'll always have feelings for her. every time we talk on ME3 or G+ i'm just like, god i miss her so much in my head. i can look at pictures of her and reminisce about the "good old days" with her as much as i want, but the way things are going i don't know how much longer i can hold a torch for her though. i wish i just had some kind of clarity in my life, not just for romance but for like everything else. well. it's 5am. i should really get to sleep.
2:31 a.m.
just checking in.
feeling: pretty good, at ease, even.
music: kill paris - keep your secrets in midnight city
hey, has it really been a year already? man, a lot has happened since then. like seriously, a whole lot. where do i start? i guess i'll start with...
life.
life's been so crazy this past year. not just with school, or romance or with the family, but just like myself in general, too. ever since the last entry, a lot has changed. i remember back when i made my last entry i seemed like i was a proud, arrogant, much too optimistic individual. i thought hey i'm gonna be big someday (which i'm sure will be true in some regard), i don't need to pay much attention to my family! but really i was neglecting them too much. i was seriously blind because i was bitter over nothing. i mean i did have reason to be bitter bit it was really stupid for me to act that way. so lets see, what all happened this past year...
- leonard and orlando moving out on me in september within the same week and the recurring drama following that. we're still cool, but yeah that was such a rough patch.
- alex and i getting closer over the summer, well not just the summer but the rest of the year was pretty good, save for a few moments.
-graduating from college, getting stuff done and done right for once.
-moving out from orlando to jax, living with alex for a few weeks, that was nice. going home to spend time with my friends and family, visiting alex and her awesome fam up in hotlanta, and making the drive out here to cali.
a truly truly outrageous year.
getting done, that was truly a trip. that morning, i seriously had to pinch myself and ask myself if it was real. i'm glad i got to go to cri presentations (with alex even) one last time in the suit, got to say bye to ken and mike, hung out with family, walked across that stage and shook a majority of my teachers' hands. i had done it. i was done, and had a bright future ahead of me.
after graduation, i went home for a little while. it was such a weird day going back from winter park to jax that day. it was like, this'll be the last time i'll drive on i-4 to 95 for an incredibly long time. i said goodbye to alex and her dad that morning and met up with bryan and linda for lunch before i left. i wrote/drew alex a card before i left also to make sure i didn't forget anything. of course i met with my friends that night and we had us a time. my mom and her friends threw me a nice grad party. had a bunch of my friends there and bunch of people that i hadn't seen in an incredibly long time, it was nice. after that, spent the rest of the week hanging out like every day. went christmas shopping at the town center with tony and shane, that was a trip. had secret santa exchange, i got cooper, got him a castlevania game and baby geniuses 2 and a copy of willenium. so, that was fun, christmas came and went, and watched django that night with tony shane and orlando, had us a time. the next day i woke up early, my mom took me to the airport and i took off to atlanta.
once i got to atlanta, i had forgotten just how huge the airport was. got picked up by alex and her two younger siblings, met her folks, and her aunt all of them incredibly cool. so i was there for about 5 days. wish i could have stayed a bit longer. leaving atlanta was funny. i missed my flight because i forgot to check in, lost 50 bucks in the process, but it was fine. i got back, hung out with some peeps. it was kind of just chill for the next couple of days, most of my stuff was still packed from orlando so i didn't really have to do too much packing. i'd talk about the drive some but it's already on facebook, so ill just skip that for now. first month in cali was a blast, living in san pedro with tito alex was fun but kind of awkward since i had like no privacy at all. hung out with some peeps, and also got to visit lake tahoe and san fran and saw some old friends in san diego area. now i'm up in studio city/north hollywood with carrie and ricky. it's a nice place. i think that sums up life for now, so i guess i'll move on to...
romance.
looking back at the previous couple of entries, i realize i was incredibly reactive of what was going on around me. like it was strange, like deep down i knew what i was doing wrong and how i was handling my relationship with her, but i dunno i guess you could call it being stupid, or whatever, selfish too. i wanted all of her time. to this day i just don't know how i stand with her, but the times when we got close, i was in heaven. like that weekend she came back to jax with me. that was absolute bliss, especially that time when i was watching her play mass effect and we rested our feet on each other's, and then we went to akaya that night, great sushi too. one of my favorite weekends of the past year, bar none. i'm kind of tired as i'm writing this (it's been about an hour and a half off and on) but i guess i'll sum it up with this. i'm in love with this girl, like no joke, my feelings for her have gotten stronger in the past year. i guess the next step now is to just be open with those feelings with her without sounding creepy. i'll end this one for now since it's getting to that hour. maybe i'll do the next entry at a more reasonable hour of the day.
yeah i think i'll do that. there will be a part 2 to this one. 'night self.
6:36 p.m.
i just don't know what went wrong
feeling: for all intents and purposes, i'm alright. it's always the same issue though
music: wolfgang gartner - welcome back
you know, i don't know why i always seem to unknowingly set myself up for disappointment. sure, i'm glad to find out straight for her that she's currently single, but the knowledge that i won't get anywhere with her kinda hammers the point home. like i figure, okay, i'm nice enough to this girl for her to actually reach out to me to hang out. i'm not really asking for much, maybe a hug once in a while. like at universal, it was kind of a repeat of last month, but it was with someone i actually you know, know. now i have no problem with her holding onto his arm almost all the time and leaning on his shoulder, but come on, no one likes to be the third wheel. no one.
chalk it up to being me jealous again. like you know, i really like this girl, i hang out and do nice things for her, i figure i should at least get some of that once in a while, right? like, i wouldn't mind a bit of arm candy, especially from her. i wouldn't mind a bit of extra happiness come my way. plus i think i would have given her a bit more warmth than he would haha. but yeah i just felt so awkward, wish i could have just stayed home that day, i could still have 90 bucks, but maybe (hah, no.) one day we'll go back to universal, just she and i. that'd be nice. yeah, i don't know what it is with this girl, it seems like no matter what i do to try and get closer to her, it seems like i'm making no progress. at all. she's a tough nut to crack, but then again, it could be the more obvious "hey, you're not what she's looking for in a guy". i'm kind of leaning towards that. i've been more aggressive lately, i'm definitely not a tryhard or anything like that. well, best i can do is just try and move on. again. i'm probably just going to just hold off like i usually do, with my head held up high, of course.
3:24 a.m.
tearing it.
feeling - "come on, seriously?"
music - "drunk again" by reel big fish.
alright, that's it. i thought, "hey, you know, maybe i'll give this another chance. maybe she'll come around. i even got her a little present, maybe that'll help break the ice a bit." nope. i figure, it'd be she and i, and a mutual friend. nope. it had to be him to the one to come along with us.
alright, i'll go out and say it. i'm jealous. so jealous of the two of them. i have no one to blame but myself. it's like, alright, alright, yeah, alanis morrisette song. like, if he weren't in the equation tonight, it would have been a-ma-zing. like, really really good. because i know the both of us had a great time. i know he was confused but laughing throughout, but i just don't get what she sees in him. like honestly, i haven't met a girl i've had this much in common with in like, forever. and that's it. the car ride back would have been bad, she was picking the music. a lot of her selections were pretty girly, but she just had to play mr. brightside. why that song?
that's like the worst selection to pick, especially with what's going on inside of my head. god, she's got such a great smile. fuck. goddammit. what a way to end a friday the 13th. i should have just stayed home. so that's it. i give up. for real now. fuck. drinks are in order soon, for sure. "never make someone a priority if they only see you as an option." fuck.
1:55 a.m.
holiday-ish 2011.
feeling: alright, i guess. it's just i haven't felt this way in a while.
music: kid cudi - pursuit of happiness
well, this is life, i guess.
family - things are alright. hung out with everyone over thanksgiving break. spent time with my dad and sister and her husband for thanksgiving. aside from that, everything goes alright with everything. i've been watching over percy since thanksgiving while mom's been in the PI. i can't wait to head back for winter break.
school - i know i should be practicing animating right now since i just have IPC this month, but i've had way too many distractions lately. what with percy being here, narie leaving in a week, and so many games to play, it's hard for me to just make time to get some personal work done. i really should get a head start on it soon if i really want to stand out once i get out. but i guess it's nice to have a break with just one class like this once in a while.
romance - well, i called it, didn't i? i was right to not get my hopes up with this one. by this one i mean alex. i don't know why i let myself become so attached for so long and do what i always do when i meet someone new that i like. like... i really wish i did meet her sooner, i think if i did, we'd be a bit closer. basically, the long short of it is: we went to the mall with everyone this past weekend, she mentioned her friend would be coming with us, so i was like okay, that's cool. but it was pretty bad, i felt like a third wheel the entire time. so basically from what i understand, the two of them are most likely going out. i'm not 100% sure yet, but i'm about 98% sure of it. not that i mind this, she doesn't owe me anything and it is her choice of who she wants to be with. i just wish it wasn't so ambiguous, or that i were better at reading people. it's just been frustrating me lately. it's like a goddamn movie or something. i move to a new town, meet an amazing girl who is everything i could ever ask for in a girl, only to find out that she is with someone else. like not just that she's pretty, not just that she's clever, nerdy and smart. i could really see myself with this girl. isn't that how it always works? so i guess i'm not just frustrated about not knowing what to do with the situation, it's also the fact that i know nothing i do will change anything. thoughts like that get me really down, especially at this time of year, i guess it'll be another holiday alone. makes me sad to say it, but i think i'll just be giving up on her outright. forever a friend, haha...ugh, oh well.
it just makes me wonder when i'll find true happiness. that's not to say my life isn't already pretty good as it is. my life is great, there is a lot of love in my life, i know and love so many people. but i think i'm just at the age where i wouldn't mind sharing my love with someone special. i thought i found that, but i guess i'll have to keep searching... i think i need a drink... i'd write some more, but there really isn't much to write about, especially since that horrible jackie chan yakuza movie. maybe around christmas. maybe.
7:20 p.m.
just an update of the happenings, you know how we do.
feeling: a bit groggy since i just woke up, but pretty good anyway.
music - runaway by kanye west
what's happenin, self?
things have dramtically improved since last time. let me break it down for you so you can easily pick up what i'm putting down.
family. well here's something that was very uneasy in the past year but is back to as normal as it can possibly be. my mom almost had cancer, but luckily everything turned out great in the end. glad to hear she's doing well and back to work. my dad seems to be doing alright, since the store is picking up again, i'm glad he found some help for the time being while sachi is in georgia. my sis and her husband seem to be doing well and call me on occasion. no animosity from anyone or anything. pretty good.
school. i'm starting to draw more again, i've decided what i want to do number one would be to animate characters. i believe i am apt enough to do so, so i'm going to need to start practicing with that. in the past few months, i've learned that rigging is hard, but it pays off if you do it the right way. i've also made some new friends along the way. speaking of which...
romance. there's a new girl in town. or more specifically, i met a new girl a couple of months ago. her name is alex. now at first i just met her at a party, i didn't think i would see her all that much after that, so i didn't really give her a second thought. but a couple of weeks ago, she invited me to go over her place to do some work. we ended up doing like no work between the both of us and just ended up talking for hours. just talked about anything, games, ourselves, just whatever came to mind. we got sushi and such and it was amazingly cute when she dropped her fork into my soy sauce. but yeah, i have to say, it's been a while since i've just had a one to one day with a girl. and well, after talking to her i am shocked of the things we have in common. i'm like "who is this girl, and why haven't i met her sooner?!". she's just so, great. i don't feel awkward at all when i'm around her, even if i am a bit nervous sometimes. as cheesy as it sounds, i think i might have found someone special. but anywho, i digress. i'm in the process of asking her out, so i'm sure i'll have an update on that in the next update, whenever that will be. i'm not gonna get my hopes up, though. if she just wants to be friends or if someone else asks her out before me and says yes, then i'd be okay with that, too. sure, i'd be a little bummed, but i guess i'm just used to being single, it wouldn't really bother me. plus i'm sure she could do way better than me. but at this point, i'd just like to hang out with her more right now.
well, i guess that's all for now, i look forward to the update next time.
12:35 a.m.
wondering how everything is.
feeling: not really sure. empty and complacent at the same time.
music: machu picchu by the strokes
back when i made that last update, things were going pretty good. nowadays, i wish i could say the same. new years resolution of drawing every day is pretty much broken, though i'm trying to fix that. weight loss is pretty much non existent. i've been hovering around the same weight since new year's. still friendzoned by emily. big surprise there. bunch of stuff out of whack.
i've been looking back at old pictures and blog entries, and wow, i gotta say, life hasn't changed too much. both for the good and the bad. but i guess that's just fine. my life's changed so much in the past year that i'm good with where it is right now. well more accurately, i'm tolerating where it is right now, but that doesn't mean i'm satisfied with it.
health. as much as i want to lose a lot of weight, i just haven't found the drive for it. full sail's got like next to no good girls. it's pretty ridiculous. sure there's my health and shutting my family up, but those can always be taken care of. i just don't know about this one.
drawing. i've been drawing every day this month. not necessarily anything big, but things that are different every day to keep me on my toes. i want to fill up my sketchbook with decent sketches in a few months. i have to learn how to use this tablet effectively, too. i will.
romance. something that's always been foreign to me. the term "teenage first kiss" is alien to me. mostly because of the fact that i've never had one. pretty sad at 22 going on 23, right? i think i have the chops to be in a relationship right now, i just haven't found that girl who loves me for me. emily, she's great, everything i could ever ask for in a woman. but i believe staying friends is the way she wants things and i'm fine with that, so long as i can still be friends with her. i just wish i could find another lisa. now those were good days. it was the first time in my life i've ever ran into anyone who liked me for me. i think emily and i were going down that route late in high school, but kind of fell apart around the time we all went to college. either way, i wish i didn't care for her so much. it's like waiting for something that will never happen. just, a tense, wrenching feeling i get every day. oh well. can't win 'em all.
family. my family's been 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag lately. my mom's out of touch with everything she was a year ago. my dad's a loner who always calls at the weirdest times. my sister is a psycho bitch who never has anything nice to say unless it's a holiday. sometimes i feel like percy is the only one that understands me and how i'm currently feeling.
just a whole bunch of shit on my plate right now. i just wanted to vent and have something to look back on. let's hope my next entry in a few months will be a good one.
4:52 p.m.
you can't please everybody.
it's amazing what one phone call can do. i was having what was turning out to be a pretty full, good weekend, but i just had to get that one phone call. there is a hole in my wall because of this one call.
in this call, there were things that were said that were true, but shouldn't have been brought up for the umpteenth time.
throughout this shithole of a call, though. i promised myself i would come to terms with a few things.
- i want to lose a substantial amount of weight. but if i am to do this, commitment is in order.
- emily will most likely never, ever see me as anything beyond a "good friend", as much as that saddens me to say. it's true.
- apparently i have to be "nice" to my failure of a father. why should i be there for him when he was never there for me when i needed him?
so. long story short: there is just no pleasing some people. no matter what you do. no matter how much you change, no matter how responsible you get, no matter what. you just can't please everybody.
so do yourselves a favor, if you do good things in life, reward yourself for them. if you don't do good things in life, then you should take the advice of your family and friends.
i fall within the middle ground of those two extremes.
2:46 a.m.
a new lease on life.
feeling: tired, but capable.
music: a lifeless ordinary (need a little help)
well, it's been some several months since my last entry. and what a ride it has been. since my last entry, i started a new spring semester at fccj with strong grades. i took 4 classes and got 2 As, a B and a C, which i thought was crap, at the time. but through that time, i met some really interesting people, had some really great times and overall felt better about life and myself. then in late january, early february. i decided to myself that i want to make art for video games, so i told my friends and family that i wanted to go to Full Sail University to pursue this long time dream of mine. and so, in late february, my parents and i went on their monthly behind the scenes tour.
fast forward to this past june. about june 19, my car was packed up and ready to move. after wrangling up tony and jerrin in the morning, we headed out to the new apartment. unpacked everything, and just played dokapon kingdom for the entire weekend. later that month, i started new classes, i met a lot of new friends, got a new computer and life couldn't be better.
this is it, this is my time to show everyone what i am made of. so i think i will start to keep up with this journal as well as yoyospaghetti. this will be more of a personal log of my time. for now, i have to finish this picture of my face. well to be more precise for future memory, i'm working on the muscle study to go over my self portrait on tracing paper. i'll cut this one short for now.
'till next time.
7:12 p.m.
sometimes, giving up is the best option.
feeling: alright, could be better.
music: waiting on the weekend by straylight run
you know, i don't know what it is with me and love.
it always seems like i'm always falling for the wrong girl, you know? like, all the time, it seems like she's the one, that she's the completely right choice. then i find that i've been wasting my time holding feelings for women that may or may not know about them, not knowing whether or not they are reciprocated.
i mean, i know it's all just a part of the game, but still, just once, i'd like to find someone that likes me for me, and isn't ambiguous about it. i'd like someone who is straightforward with their feelings, even if they are a little bit shy about them. for the past three years, i've been carrying a torch for a girl that i have no idea how she feels about me. as much as i'd like to be with her, i don't know how she feels about me. sometimes, it feels as if she's allowing me to try her, other times, it feels like she's avoiding me. now, at the same time, i've been trying to find someone new to get my mind off of her.
but usually, when i found a girl that catches my fancy, she always ends up being taken, or isn't looking. it's a vicious cycle, leading me back to the original girl in question. now, more than ever, i feel like giving up any sort of romantic feelings towards her and just remain friends with her. i think my current standing with her is still in the "friendzone". though she does call me up randomly so that we can hang out, i really don't know anymore. i mean, so long as she's happy, i can be happy, i wouldn't mind staying close to her as a friend, but i know in my mind, i don't want that.
and i'm not trying to be selfish either, i know she has a handful of guys who possibly want her, too. i know she might be interested in one in particular. and you know, they do seem like a pretty good match, to be honest. it probably stemmed from them being so close during their freshman year of college. i would've been with her then too, but it didn't occur to me to even apply at that college. but i'd like to be close to her too. the thing is, even though she's moved back into town recently, i really haven't seen her all that much. i'm not sure if she's really looking for a boyfriend right now.
long story short though, my love for her has been wavering. i'm thinking about just giving up completely on her and finding a new girl, but she's been one of those corners of my mind for the past few years now. i don't know if i can give her up now. hopefully in 2010, i can be with her, or at least find a girl that i know would show her feelings towards me.
one can only hope. but that's what all disappointment is made of. merry christmas.
7:23 a.m.
This is it.
Feeling: anxious, nervous. I have no idea how today will turn out.
Music: none, at the moment.
Today's the day, folks. Wish me luck.
2:30 a.m.
not too sure what i'm doing up so late...
feeling: alright, though anxious.
music: everlasting love + you by leah dizon + whoever did you are smart from katamari forever.
so lately, i've been looking at older stuff... things like older anime, old school notebooks, old tv shows. it was all great back then. then i realized, that these days, i just can't find the joy that i found in media like i did all those years ago.
also, 'been reading old text messages, emails, journal entries. wow, i really can't believe how much time i've wasted. i just feel so terrible about all of it. wasting all those years waiting for lisa, for the remote possibility of us getting back together. all stemmed from a few sentences from a single email from three years ago. now, i'm 21, with not too much to show for it. haven't even experienced my first kiss yet. like, real one. the concept of "teenage first kiss" is foreign to me. but i guess it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but still. it's just been so stupid of me to even think that she'd come back for me. i'm not too much of a prize, though when it comes to courtship, i like to play things close to the chest. that'd probably explain why i don't have a girlfriend right now. judging from past experience, i'd say that i'm one of those always a friend never a boyfriend type guys. like, i've had someone tell me before that i'm not really the type of guy girls want to date, but rather, the type that they'd rather marry.
i know, not exactly the most encouraging of words, but i can really see that being true for all the girls i know, the girls i'm interested in, and the new girls that i meet sometimes. but i guess i shouldn't be worried too much about this right now. i've got bigger things to worry about, after all.
sometimes i feel like i should just disappear, that the world would be much better without me, but in my mind, i know i can't do that, and if i were to go anywhere, my friends and family would of course go bananas. but that in itself is what makes me living like this such a bother. i've done so much to gain respect, trust, and love from them, and yet, i feel as if i haven't given to them nearly as much as they have given to me.
i just feel so guilt ridden. i don't know what i can do to repay the emotional (and possibly monetary?) debts i owe to people. simple things like thank yous and hugs are nice, but simply won't do for what i feel. if anything, i think something long term would suffice. i want to work hard for everyone i know. i want to show everyone that i'm not completely useless. but the thing is, i'm not really in a position to try any of that currently. quite the opposite.
i don't know how any of this will turn out, but i'm going to try my best to get through it. i'm getting tired so i'll end it here.
good night.
8:11 p.m.
falling again.
feeling: i just don't know, right now. it'd be like a mix of nostalgic, stressed, and longing. 
music: somewhere between yesterday by the beatles, falling again by ugly duckling, and hopeless case by less than jake.
think of this as a sequel to the previous entry.
in fact, i'll start it like it. three years ago, i was a spitfire freshman in college. i thought, man, this is great. but really, i dunno, i guess that time was pretty nice. back then, i didn't exactly know what i was going to do, i had thought that so long as i was in classes, everything would be just peachy keen. heh, come to think of it, my first semester, i had it sort of down to a science, of how and when to skip classes. but after a while, all that caught up to me, and i performed less-than-stellar that semester. thank high school for my lethargic demeanor.
now that i think about it, back then, all of us kind of half assed our way through high school. my guess is i'm still in that mindset that i can still sort of half ass my way through life and still somehow make it. that somehow, some way, it will all work itself out. that's been my problem for the past few years. i know i should move on and start doing things for myself, but i guess it's just the whole 'old habits die hard'. but i don't know what is it with me and not finishing what i start a lot.
maybe it's because i've been stuck in the past too much. i've been looking back to the past and admiring the 'good ol' days', and not waking up and smelling the coffee. sometimes i just wish i could just freeze time, and just live in the same day forever. i would go to sleep during the night, and it would be the same day the next day, though through my actions, i could make it different, but even so, you can only go so far.
sometimes i wish i could just forget it all and just run away somewhere. like the fictional city of roanapur, thailand. i wouldn't mind trying illegal arms dealing at least once in my life. or hell, even to the philippines. at least i have family there. it's easier to run, isn't it. but i know realistically, i don't think i'd be able to do that.
love life, hasn't been too good either. another thing weighing on my self esteem. the girl i wanted for a few years belongs to someone else now, and the one that i have eyes for right now, feels indifferent, or just good friends at best, towards me. lisa was one of the best and worst things to happen to me. and i wasted several years of my life pining away for her. and emily, i can't believe such a great girl has been right under my nose the entire time. back in high school, i think could have had a chance to be happy back then. i think she genuinely liked me back then. but i was stupid and tried to stick with the past. so now, i'm pretty she doesn't feel the same way i do about her. i still like her from afar, just a corner of my mind that will always be with me, but i know to myself that i have to find someone new. and there's another problem, i'm not really too sure what it is i'm doing wrong with trying to find new women. ever since high school which was like a strictly "tshirt/jeans/shoes" time for me, i've changed the clothes i wear, the music i listen to, work out in the mornings, the way i act around new people. and i'd like to think that i've done a good job of changing my life for the better so far. but i guess i'm not exactly what the ladies are looking for right now. oh well. guess i'll just keep looking.
i don't want to fall again. i'm sick and tired of half assing my way through everything in life. i want to be strong. i want a girlfriend. i want to live in my own place. all these wants, i know i'm very far away from. i'm sick of falling and then working harder than i would normally to finish what i start. i want to go to sleep at night, knowing that everything is alright. that tomorrow will be a good day. not have something nagging at the back of my head, causing me not to sleep and just stare at the clock. i want everything to be just fine. i don't want any dirty secrets. i want to be honest. i want to bear the burdens of all my past mistakes. but i still want to try and be happy at the same time.
i want to change. i want my life to be better. i don't want to spend the rest of my life just running from my problems. i'm 21 now. a full fledged adult. and here i am, trying to go back to the glory old days of being 16 or 17 in high school. they say age is just a number, and i'm inclined to believe that. i am 21, but i don't feel 21. i want to change. i want to move on and live life by my terms. but i'm afraid i may be in too deep this time. i don't know if i can make it back on my feet. i'm going to try, though i don't know how it will end up.
watch this space. i'll see if i can get myself out of this.
wake me up.
10:07 p.m.
i wish i knew...
feeling: heh, well really, like i always do. shitty.
music: bomb factory... i dunno. some song by them. i'm too lazy to check.
you know, two years ago, i would never see myself like this. two years ago was great. about to graduate from high school, going to college in the fall with an awesome summer ahead of me. the awesome summer came and went, and college time was here. after three semesters at UNF, i decided that i hated it. it was terrible. now, i met some really cool people there, however, i can't say the same thing about the faculty and the people that work there. these days, i'm just struggling to get through the day.
i swear to god, if i could go back in time, i would change this piece of shit i call a life in a heartbeat. unfortunately, i can't, and i'm stuck with what i got... and if i'm to rebuild this sunken ship, i've got to buckle down. i've got to stop dicking around. but... my problem is i have no direction. no motivation. who am i going to do this for? myself? my mother? who?
now that's something i don't know. this coupled with long, lonely nights of depression leave me wondering how much more of this i can take. these days the only escape i get is on a message board full of people that i will probably never know. but it's one of the only peaces i can find during the day.
i don't know why i always run away from my problems. why i lie... why i'm just generally not a good person. i really don't know. i just feel so bad because right now, i feel like everything that was done for me when i was a child was all for naught. i feel like i've wasted the past two years.i honestly feel like that one dude from 5 centimeters per second. i've been wasting my time, pining away at a girl i'll probably never see again, and just end up making my life seem crappier because i know all i can do is just wallow in my lonliness, crying about how this unrequited love will always be unfufilled.
i know i'm not the only lonely person in the world, but still. each person is different. they all have different situations. nothing i can do about them...
i just don't know what to do with my life anymore.
i just don't know.
i don't know who to go for answers.
i don't know where to go in my future.
what will i do?
will i get a job?
start a family?
be one of those guys at the side of the road with a cardboard sign? god forbid...
but still... i can't help but wonder, because i don't know. i don't know anything, anymore. it's not like i did in high school either. i had no guidance. i've never had any guidance. i don't know what i want to do because i've never known what i wanted to do with my life.
*sigh* i wish i knew.
5:55 p.m.
looking for a prom date/nostalgia trip
listening to: date rape by sublime
feeling: meh. (sorry kids, no ky eyecatch this time.)
lately i've been looking back on the things i have written in the past. not just here, i've been looking at old journals, sketchbooks, school works (yeah somehow i have been keeping a good portion of this stuff.).
it really is fun to look back, i know that is true. but earlier today i've realized something. i have been emphasizing the past way too much these past few months. i've been feeling very nostalgic as of late, and i think it's high time to change that.
i mean look at me. a senior in high school... (holy hell, i started this damn thing back in sophomore year) about to go to a decent college in the fall, with an entire summer to look foreward to... i should appreciate what's ahead of me... but a part of me doesn't want to move foreward...
11:39 p.m.
Foxtrot. Uniform. Charlie. Kilo.
Feeling: 
not too well.
Musicos - inertiatic esp by the mars volta.
capitol letters are overrated. so here i am, just waking up from a 5 hour nap. yeah, that sudafed knocks you out something fierce. i have a cold right now, but i have no idea where it came from. so yeah, life hasn't been very good as of late. my grades are doing alright, but... something just isn't right about this school year. i feel like i'm slowly growing apart from everyone. it's probably because i don't seem them as much because our classes are so separated, maybe not, i'm not too sure. i don't get to talk to the people i want to talk to that often, either. the love life hasn't been to good either. no fish biting because there is no fish. seriously, there aren't many girls that i would be interested in my school. i'm just not getting that feeling that i had the past 3 years of high school, freshman year especially. that was probably my favorite year, so far. these days, it seems like everyone hates me. i try to be liked, but all my attempts at doing so are always fucked up by something. i have the feeling that i'm the obligatory 3rd wheel in my group of friends. seriously. it's crazy. somehow, all of my friends have chicks flirting with them, while all i can do is just sit there and do nothing. no one ever asks me if i have any girls in mind. i don't know... it could be jealousy, i'm not sure. i'm probably just not sociable enough, though i like to think i am. work hasn't been too good lately, either. it's been infriging too much on my social life. it's really hard to hang out with friends when you're constantly working on the weekends (including fridays). i know, money is good, but it's no good if it's just sitting there, doing nothing. just once i wanna go to the mall or something with friends and just hang out and get stuff. ah well, them's the brakes, i guess. meh.. the drumline nearly got disbanded today. what's worse is that i was totally clueless of what happened. we got totally chewed out today by our drum major and music teacher. to add insult to injury, this is the second time this week that i've been chewed out for something i had absolutely nothing to do with/totally ill-informed about. i guess that's how it works.. i just haven't been able to be happy lately. sure, i laugh a lot, but that doesn't mean i'm happy. i just do that because i find a lot of things to be funny, but it's been such a long time since i've been genuinely happy... like with myself and everything around me. oh well, it's getting kind of late, so i'd better end this one. peace outside, folks.
12:56 a.m.
never enough.
Feeling: 
a little crestfallen, whatever the fuck that means... lol.
Music: Once In A Lifetime by DragonForce.
well, folks, it's been months since my last entry, and boy do i have a lot of shit to tell. my summer, came and went. it was a mere 2 months and 11 days, which sucked, considering i worked most of the time. the money's not even going anywhere. i have to be patient to get the things i want this fall.
over the summer, i picked up a couple of good albums that i think you should check out:
Dream Theater's "Octavarium". a prog-metal masterpiece. given, it's not as good as their old stuff, but it rocks hard nonetheless. 9.99 out of 10.
The Mars Volta's "Frances The Mute". a full CD of prog goodness. lots of spanish here and there, but over all, catchy stuff. 8/10.
as i lay dying's "shadows are security". mall-core metal at its best. that's all i can say.
that's all for CDs.. for now. so yeah, pretty much, the summer sucked something awful. i got project snowblind for 10 bucks at circuit city... i popped it in, and for the first day i was intrigued. the next few days it actually became a chore to beat. once i was done with it, i was severely disaapointed by the ending, and the fact that there wasn't any cheat codes whatsoever. don't buy this game. speaking of games, i'm heading to the local gamestop this coming tuesday after drum lessons to make some preorders. i'm preordering an Xbox 360, a couple of games to go with said system, and some current-gen games.
*sigh* so... school's doing alright. my grades are doing well, and my social life, is well, ok... to say the most. all this working is killing me, that and all this worrying about the SAT, ACT, and signing up for college is scaring me. i just need some sort of thing to keep me in order. what would this be, you ask? a girlfriend. i've seen a good majority of my friends who have girlfriends. they seem to have the time of their lives with them. holding hands, making out, it seems like such a good thing to have. i just want someone of the opposite sex who understands me. someone i can talk to. someone i can relate to. someone i can hang out with.i already have two girls in mind right now, but they are both severely out of reach at this point of me being a senior in high school.
life just plain sucks, doesn't it. one minute, you're living your golden days, the next, you're worring about nothing but your future. it's always about the futute. no one ever takes time to look at the present until it becomes the past. that's what pisses me off about today's world. everything's about going faster. not me. i savor the moment. i take my sweet time. this song, Once In A Lifetime by DragonForce, it brings back good memories. memories of freshman year. it was such a simpler time, when we didn't have to worry about college, the SAT, or none of that BS. just ourselves. just what happened from day today. most of all, it was when she went to BJS. everyday, i think about her. the slightest hints make me think of her.. from hair, to eyes, to random words. it's just weird.
oh well.. no use babbling about it here. so yeah. yesterday was lisa b's birthday. there was a full moon. i called her at like 10 something to wish her happy birthday. it was pretty funny. meh...
so yeah, here i am, complaining about problems that i've tried just about everything to solve, yet not able to find a solution. hell, not even a temporary one. i guess that's how life is. a bunch of trial and error. anyways, i'm tired as hell, so i'm out. peace.
1:33 p.m.
new survey! (thanks rachel! keep being sexy!)
From Go-Quiz.comwell im in talahasee on acount of "hurricane frances" and im stuck here till tomorrow morning.. ill try to put another entry in..
10:08 p.m.
absolute.
feeling: alright.. not very good tho.. not very bad either..
music: run to the hills by iron maiden...
why do we always love the people(s) that are always the most unattainable...? i have nowhere else to turn to if i lose them. ever.its just that sometimes, i dont know why, but no matter how hard you try for it, you can never get it. this goes especially for someone's heart.. sure, time may heal all wounds, but what if it builds an immunity? to me? ... its just this feeling of emptiness inside of me.. something is missing. sure i made be all laughs around people,.. but... i dont know.. something is cold. im out... peace.
4:08 p.m.
-
feeling: i dunno. bored.
music: thong song by sisqo.
im so bored.. come to think of it, ive been really bored lately. havent seen many of my friends.. and barely anyones online. it has sucked... for lack of a better word. anyways... my entries havent been all too long lately either... this sucks pretty bad.. been playing resident evil zero a lot lately.. im close to getting all the extras.. magnum revolver, unlimited ammo.. and such.. anyways im gonna go now.. HOPEFULLY add a part 2 later.
11:32 a.m.
-
feeling: 
....different...
music: the brouhaha by beastie boys
hm.. today's like any other tuesday.. my mom and sis went to the bank to do stuff.. which reminds me.. i still need to preorder halo 2 limited edition.. o_o;; damn.. and i still dont have an xbox yet... well at least ill have the game. but uh... yea..
ill put a part 2 to this one.. im out. peace.
5:15 a.m.
holy crap.. back in the states. OMGWTFLOL!
Feeling: tired... and sick. i got a cold.. ^_^;;;
Music: how bizarre by OMC (very very 90s song)
well... im finally back in the states people. the land of the free...refills.. thank God im back here. i once payed THREE EURO FOR A COKE. heres what happened. me, shane and his girlfriend went to a bar in paris. shane got a bottled water and i got a coke.. when i asked the bartender.. "C'est combien?"... he said "Six." i was shocked. and i didnt even get a friggin refill..oh well. anyways.i hope everything in the states worked out fine whilst i was gone.. this is only part one. peace out folks.
3:01 p.m.
its review time!! onn the 4th of joooly..
Feeling: 
ok.. but hey its 4th of july.. hopefully i can use them roman candles i uh.... "borrowed"...
Music: rhyme the rhyme well by beastie boys..
well well well.. the 4th of july.. time to celebrate... america. i had a steak earlier.. it was great.. they put some stuff on it to make it taste good. but besides that.. i know it's long overdue, but i have a couple of reviews for a couple of products that i have gotten in the past couple of weeks. the first being...
To The 5 Boroughs by Beastie Boys
category: hip hop
# of tracks: 15
1. Ch-Check It Out: a good beastie boy's song.. clasic for sure. (just blaze remix is pretty good too)
2. Right Right Now Now: a ballad about NYC. pretty cool. has a good message.
3. 3 The Hard Way: good for playing in your car at the mall parking lot. really bassy. not one of my favs, but pretty good.
4. Time To Build: rip on Bush on this one.. pretty cool.
5. Rhyme The Rhyme Well: this song's alright, but i think it could've been less annoying at some parts.
6. Triple Trouble: a good song. another classic. nice beat. doesn't get old.
7. Hey Fuck You: well pretty self exclaimatory. "if you don't like it, then hey fuck you!"
8. Oh Word?: kinda like pass the mic. seriously. they go at it one at a time in their own styles.
9. That's It That's All: good song for playing in the parking lot. more ripping on Bush.
10. All Lifestyles: good for anyone. nice fast beat.
11. Shazam!: funny song. kinda slow though.
12. An Open Letter To NYC: bush ripping.. shows how good New York is. and tells you the name of the 5 boroughs.
13. Crawlspace: pretty cool.. kinda about someone being pwned on the mic.
14. The Brouhaha: a good song.. nice bass. upbeat.
15. We Got The: Fast, great, never lets down.
all in all, the tracks suck the first time you listen to them, but the more you listen, the better they sound. trust me. a buy for sure.
moving on to...
Samurai Girl: Real Bout High School 6
ITS ABOUT DAMN TIME!!! for some reason, it took tokyopop more than a year to come out with this amazing final volume. and it's so worth it. it's thick as 2 mangas.. and yet, its only $10. its great. everyone gets their own part in it. altho there was wayyy too much charachter building in this one. but besides that, it met all of my expectations.. some parts were kinda dumb while some were just... awesome. the art, the fighting, all of it. great. but if you wanna buy this one, you might wanna by the first 5 as well.. ( i did! ^_^)
well then.. the review is over!!
well, im out. peace. on the 4th.
quote of the day.: *hitting the spiderman poster* EIGIGNNN!!!!
8:15 p.m.
oh fuck yea... village photos works again!!
Feeling: 
pretty fucking great..
Music: jet pilot by system of a down..
whoo this summer.. has been a fuckin roller coaster.. lol.. start things off right.. with getting 4 teeth pulled... the getting toe surgery the following wednesday.. then a random assortment of people coming over.... red dead revolver.. late fee (fuckin blockbuster!)... onimusha 3!.. crazy night sunday night..saw dodgeball.. then tony, joey and leonard came over.. played crazy ness all night long.. only to end with playing Splatterhouse 2 and 3.. and watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze... yes.. a classic... a night ful of coke, halo, ninja gaiden, and uh.. smash brothers... wow.. it was a fun night.. none of us slept till 10 in the morning.. fun sleepover.. need to have more people over next time... gonna be fun fun.. in the not so sun. uh.. got some more toenail cut today! whoo! doesnt that just make you hungry!? the doc says i should be 100% fine in about a week...which is good. but anyways, moving on, uh.. havent talked to/seen lisa B in a while.. -_-;; im sooo bored... blehmg.. talked to kate a few times too.. those chats are always long and full of fun! talking about the possible marketing possiblities of BucketMan!! speaking of which,
http://intobattle.ytmnd.com/
BUCKETMAN!! THE POWER OF THE BUCKET BRA/MISSLE LA-UNCH-ER!
thats all for now kiddies... peace.
"quote of the day" "you see, opinions are like butts. most people think that theirs is better than others."
6:59 p.m.
staring at the sea, staring at the sand.
Feeling: ok.. but so fucking bored i wanna take a baseball bat and smash..... things.. o_o;
Music: killing an arab by the cure (good song. slow, but good. its based on the book: "the stranger" )
its kinda funny how what you used to love when you were younger has gone bitter these days. things such as pokemon. bnet (especially bnet. few of my irl friends know about it). music. (i have a lot of it, but these days music sounds so bland. theres very few songs i would actually download/buy im more into old music like 80s.) speaking of which, i wanna buy the beastie boys' new album, To The 5 Boroughs. but since this damn toe of mine isnt healing as fast as it should be i cant go to places as often as i would want. this summer sucks. ass. but anyways. i visited the warp zone chat listing earlier today. me and leonard were looking thru the chats. they were all empty. all of them. even the websites the chats belonged to dont even exist anymore. bnet is dead. thank the Lord. that forsaken invention corrupted many many lives. but hey i met a lotta people from there, even tho.. im only in contact with like 1 or 2 of them right now. still.. i wish i had a broadband connection. that way, things would be a lot faster. wouldnt have to worry about the phone. i wouldnt have to spend much time the computer, if anything, to go onto AIM. i miss my friends. my parents wont let ryan come over. i dunno why? its the middle of the summer. my toe's fucked up so i cant go out. and when i invite friends over we always sit around and play video games and watch tv and crap like that. bleh i dont understand parents sometimes. actually yea all the time i cant understand them. that and i dont understand girls that much..oh well thats just the way it happens. well ima go. peace.
quote of the day: "stereotypes make the world go round." yay another quiz!
You belong in another of my worlds. The world of
self-destructive tendencies, either through
actual physical destructiveness or emotional
breakdowns that you keep bottled up inside,
thus hurting yourself. You feel that life is
nothing but pain, and you see red in everything
with the memories of the blood you have
bled(literally or figuratively) for your
hurting. You live in a hidden land that few
will ever understand or see in you, because you
keep it to yourself and only let a few rare
people into the truth of your reality. Er...I
don't condone my own actions, so I really don't
know what else to say. Of course, you could
also just REALLY like blood....or you might be
homicidal, not suicidal. ^_^;
Where do you belong?(ANIME IMAGES)
brought to you by Quizilla
3:49 p.m.
i just dont give a damn.
Feeling: you know what? i dont give a fuck about anything. i wouldnt care if i died right now. and you know what? who would care? no one. thats who.
Music: fight for your right to party...by the beastie boys.
you know what? my sister is a fucking bitch. that bitch actually has the nerve to tell me what to wear.what i dont want. the fucking jacket's left pocket is FUCKED UP for God's SAKE!! THE SHITS FUCKING TORN!!! a 60 dollar jacket.... that shit aint worth nothing. now i know why her old b/f broke up with her. cuz shes too fucking demanding. i DONT want to look like a fucking college student... UNTIL IM IN ACTUALLY FUCKING COLLEGE!!! GOT IT!?!? LET ME LIVE MY FUCKIN LIFE THE WAY I WANT TO LIVE! COLLEGE IS TWO... TWO FUCKING YEARS AWAY!! LET ME ENJOY BEING A GODDAMN HIGH SCHOOLER. JESUS!. i broke my closet door earlier by punching it. i fixed it tho... damn..
quote of the day: tha fuck are you lookin at?
10:22 p.m.
much ado.?
Feeling: pretty good. toe's almost healed.
Music: bring the noise by public enemy feat. anthrax. a classic rock/rap crossover from the 80s.
whaahwhh.... today was my mom's bday.. woke up pretty early... ate at cracker barrel.. their pancakes are breathtaking. ^_^;; uh.. went grocery shopping.. and we got a new digital camera! soon ladies! youll see pictures of me in all sorts of suggestive poses!!! not really.. maybe i should make a pay site.. >_>;; *thinks* maybe not. but uh.. goin to orlando tomorrow so i better end this one early tonight! peace folks!
quote of the day: why do they call it "cracker barrel"?
11:00 p.m.
....why? because i can.
Feeling:... i dont know these days.
Music: b4u glorious style by naoki.
dreams... they are quite weird are they not?.. one minute, you think youve got something, but the next, you figure out you never had it in the first place... or that feeling you get when you had something so incredibly great... but, it ended very sadly. you lost it in one of the worst ways possible.. yes. dreams can be destroyed as easily as they are made, if not easier. or that feeling you get when youve waited so long... for something.. then you get it... but then after a while you abuse it.. and it breaks on you. nothing lasts forever. not even dreams. honestly. they dont last forever. nothing ever does. sometimes you wonder if there is a God. i do believe there is One, but.. sometimes it just doesnt seem like He's there to look after you... especially if youre in a situation where youre really down in the dumps, and no one is there to comfort you, let alone even talk to you. all you can do is think. think about what happened. and it plays over and over in your head. messes with your sanity. over and over until you cant take it and cry yourself to sleep. ive had plenty of these experiences..but God has always pulled through in the end. but.. like all euphoria, it must end sometime.. then the bad things always happen. everything that can go wrong goes wrong. and theres almost nothing you can do about it. im gonna go to sleep. good night..
peace. take it easy, folks.
quote of the day: well lookee there! he's bleedin! lol from red dead revolver..
4:09 p.m.
the art of sitting around...
Feeling: lonely. sitting around all day can make you think about weird things.
Music: take me out by franz ferdinand. holy crap. its raining outside. whoa.. that came out of nowhere... this damn toe isnt helping me at all...
been playing ripped GBA games all day.. advance wars is fun. wario ware is pure genious... i forget the rest because most of it is crap... hm.. well.. ill end this one early today like i did the other.. ill leave with this quote... "how can you love (or like a whole lot) someone if you honestly know that they probably dont feel the same way you do?"
(miss her too..) oh well.. "if happy little blue birds fly across the rainbow, why dammit why cant i?"
10:39 p.m.
what do you mean i aint kind?....just not your kind..
Feeling: little weird.. my toe is hurtin like a bitch though...
Music: peace sells by megadeth..
"who do you say that i am?".. i am myself. and none other. but.. i do want another. i want someone to care about. i want someone to care about me like i care for them.. i want a gf... dammit. right now i feel like complete shit.. cant even get any of the girls i like to be more than friends with me.. hmm.. i dont know.. i.. really want someone.. this sucks.. oh well.. im out.. peace folks..
"quote of the day" : HAHAHAHAHAHA THEY BLEW UP CONGRESS!
10:59 p.m.
yay.. no!... yay!!
Feeling: alright.. not very tired tho.. i might sleep late again..
Music: favourite things by me first and the gimme gimmes
well today was an eventful day.. woke up.. did stuff.. took a shower.. picked my sis up from the airport cuz she had spent the weekend with her b/f.. the past few days have been crazy.. my cousin bryan had come over for the weekend.. hes cool. gonna miss ya man! uh.. tomorrow i gotta go to the hospital because of my foot.. bleh dumb toenail.. i wanna get it over with before my trip and i want to play ddr again!!! x_x;; oh well.. uh.. lets see.. i got new jeans on saturday.. and a black pair of chucks.. hm.. oh and a new newtype.. came with a "panyo panyo di gi charat" DVD.. dude.. this show is so cute, its almost sick.. it actually makes you want to hurt someone.. lol... anyways i took a quiz, and i got:
You are Rinna! You're extremely polite and like to
make new friends, but you have a problem with
falling asleep waaay too often.
Which Panyo Panyo Di Gi Charat Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
shes cute.. and she sleeps a lot too.. so shes a lot like me.. wanted to get piyoko too.. im out.. peace.
"quote of the day": now you may ask "why do we treat customers like this? why? well, fuck em, thats why!"
2:18 a.m.
good stuff, i think youd agree.
Feeling: i dunno.. not very tired..
Music: boys don't cry by the cure..
its almost 2:30.. which begs the question, why am i on so late? then answer is, i dont know. honestly. i guess its cuz i took a really long nap earlier. hm.. you know that movie, "the day after tomorrow".. really its one big "modern" hippie movie.. its all about "saving the environment and such.. also, it was one big advertisement for FOX network.. cuz.. for some reason, everyone was watching fox when they were watching the news.. fox 5 fox 10 hell they even have a fox 3. i think.. and not to mention most of the things in the movie are impossible. who can walk from philly to NYC in one day, dragging a half dead dude? or.. who would want to make out in a frozen library, with a bad fever and an infected wound? hell i dunno. its pretty funny really. the director/writer also did independence day. he really must like worldwide disaster... and putting the word "day" in his movie titles, not to mention the movie was released on "memorial day"... but it really made me think.. about 2 certain people. who shall remain nameless... but hey, its my head.. who do i really. more? who? why? when? where? how? these questions.. are going thru my head constantly. but i cant answer them. its just one of those days.. im out. peace.
quote of the day: anyways i got 4 teeth pulled friday morning... saturday night, after we got back from the movie, my dad says..
"mark, what are these? pills? your medcine.?"
then i say,"dad... those are my teeth."
3:51 p.m.
psycho.. groupie... cocaine.. crazy..
Feeling: ok...
Music: psycho by system of a down...
went grocery shopping today. the commisary gets hectic on saturdays. i just noticed that.. i got a pair of black chucks to go along with my black/blue flame ones! yay. watching a movie later on... dunno which one.. probably "the day after tomorrow".. and ima try to get a J-O-B from AMC... hopefully.. im out. peace.
Quote of the Day:
"yall nigars kneed to take
bking soda and kokane... and cook it
best regards,
Conrollup.
P.S. ppppppprrrrr"
11:31 a.m.
much ado about nothing.
hm... feeling: like shit. completely.
Music: ch-check it out by the beastie boys
today.. i woke up in the morning... feeling like a normally do... went to the dentist only to do what you ask?... to get 4 teeth pulled...luckily, i had my CD player with me. i just wish i had my iPod.. cuz at least id have a much much bigger selection of music to choose from.. (hey you try listening to blink 182 for a whole hour while getting needled in your mouth, and 4 teeth pulled.).. well i have all 4 teeth with me right now.. i never knew them fuckers can be so big!.. seriously!.. but that aside... i got pieces of gauze in my mouth and an ice pack that makes me look like i have the mumps on my head. hm.. that aside, ITS FREAKIN SUMMER! FINALLY! no more finals! no more school. but with no more school, there have to be goodbyes. next year some people wont come to the forsaken school known as BJS.... bye chica. hope you and ryan make good friends over there. have a good time in mexico. you too ted. youre awesome. makin sexual innuendo has never been so much fun. thankfully, rachel is staying..!! muha! the fruits are still ripe for picking!!! krizia! girl! you have a great time at your new school! see ya senior year. andrew. man keep on teckin.. all over. mr wilkinson! words cannot express how i feel right now. dude youve taught me so much. ill never forget any of it! youre like that cool retro/hippie/80s older brother that i never had! have a great time in italy and boston.. there goes the goodbyes..now.. uh.. yea.. kate.. i read your journal.. are you doing ok? seriously. if you wanna talk about it, just IM me and we can talk about it as long as you want. lisa B! i hope you have a good time at your dad's house. IM me anytime you want. bleh my mouth hurts.. ima end this one right now.. im out. peace.
7:49 p.m.
schools almost over. but why? i wish we had more time..
Feeling: i dunno.. a little confused... but besides that uh...
Music: turning japanese by the vapors.... i love the 80s..
hm... ah.. summertime... some would say it is the time of "love".. some would say that its a time to be "hot". i believe... it is the time for "parties".. but.. while a buncha crazy parties await in the summertime... goodbyes must be said.. some people i wont see again.. some people i wont see for a while... im gonna miss those people a lot.. people like mr. wilkinson whos gonna go to boston for Grad school.... theres too many bad memories at that school.. but. i have some really good ones too... oh well.. english and biology exams tomorrow.. better study up a little.... im out.. peace.
"Quote Of the day": "dude, if i had that jet plane i would call it the turboted!" - ted.. talkin about the jet plane from swat kats..
3:24 p.m.
the best way to start out the summer..
Feeling: pretty good.. drawing... and i finally got galaxy angel manga...
Music: ride on shooting star by the pillows..
well i drove for an hour and a half yesterday on i-10 to get to talahassee... i didnt know i was goin 92 MPH when i was tryin to overtake a semi truck.. heh.. well i gotta do some still life.. uh... well i finally found galaxy angel manga #1... at walden books of all places.. that place's selection kicks ass.. you can find anything you want there.. seriously.. and the best part is.. not many people go there... so its easy to find what you want.. whoo..and i gotta work on a 4 page paper... burn a cd for a friend.... study a bit.... too much to do... ill probably make another update later.. Quote Of The Day: Be Unique. (...Just like everyone else.) - from a tshirt i saw in publix.
6:15 p.m.
working out stuffs...
Feeling: dunno..little stresssed out because of the big map test next week.. and then theres finals... so.. uh yea..
Music: WITH YOU AND BUY OWNER ITS AS GOOD AS SOLD!!
i never asked for so much work. i never wanted it. but... as with all work, it has to be done. but sometimes it doesn't get done.. for example. yesterday in world history class, i didnt finish my grid for a huge world history map test that we're gonna do next week. this sucks... and world history is one of my worst subjects too... bleh.. few other stuffs that i think shouldnt happen.... i just havent been as hyper as i should.. just yesterday at lunch i just completely snapped.....as usual i stole a cookie or 2 from rachel T's lunch...but.. as always.. someone (namely chica) steals the other one.. all of a sudden i yell GODDAMMIT CHICA!! then funiest thing is.. i threw the cookie i was eating... then i stormed off to another table... oh well.. im givin chica another chance, but if he blows it, i collect his fuckin head... heh.. oh well.. THE WHEELS OF JUSTICE MUST TURN!! im out.. peace..
NEW! Quote of the day: "Everyone, here is the winner of the costume contest! Jay Sherman as "The Bald, Gay Man!" " - Duke, The Critic
1:26 p.m.
braces suck and im in french..
Feeling: sucky. my mouth hurts becuase of my braces.
Music: i got Ratz by mc chris stuck in my head... "yea that beat is badass.." - Carl
well im grounded from going online for a while, cept at school. and i just got braces yesterday. a word to the wise... SPACERS SUCK!!! i cant eat anything good. and all ive had was soup and other crap soft foods...well, i can take most of it.. but sometimes its just rediculous. the metal thingies always poke at my tougne and crap and next month i have to ger FOUR... count em.. FOUR teeth taken out.. this sucks.. oh well.. if it's good for me that its good for all of us... but i cant wait till i can eat solid food again...
well im off the read some french crap... peace.
1:07 p.m.
in class... doing some work... sexy, huh?
im sitting next to an idiot who thinks accidentally going to a porn site when the porn site just happens to share the same name of a story we've red... oh well.. it is pretty funny i gotta admit. well im doin some stupid outline on some stores we've read this school year... bell just rang.. i better go..
2:19 p.m.
well first crappy entry.
Feeling: like shit. i could be worse tho. Music: the rock show by blink 182 bleh.. ive been having a really shitty today today. ive been forgetting my homework, and whats worse is i dunno if i can bring them up by the time the quarter ends.... bleh i have to work on my work. i hope i can. i cant wait till summer.. i dont want to lose anymore stuffs... i cant even get the girl ( or maybe... girl(s)???! muahaa! the suspense is killin you, right!?) i have to. todays the beginning of the rest of my life. oh well.. im sure tomorrow will be better.. especially since im goin to tony's party.. well, im out. peace.
10:14 p.m.
some quizzes...
Feeling: alright.. a little bored though.
Music: bounce by system of a down..
bleh.. i decided that it was time to make a real entry this time around... once i even.. whoa.. scalawag... i have a few more quiz results...not much has happened today besides the fact that i went to Church earlier and it was really noisy because of all the crying babies.. so i couldnt pay attention to anything.. oh well.. theres always next sunday... heres the quiz stuffs...
You are Eikichi Onizuka!
I'm Gippal!
I'm Rikku!
rikku, shes hot.. if i could have her i would spread her like peanut butter on bread..
2:20 p.m.
well... quizzes. undeniably? yes.
Feeling: Ok, but i still have some work to do.. and napping.
Music: Fu-u-ga by lapis lazuli from the guilty gear X OST
well i took some quizzes and such, and im alright. got some royal true orange (quite possibly the best, and filipino, orange soda around. get it at an oriental store!) anyways, i took some quizzes to break into my new blog, so here they are..:
You belong in the world of balance, where
everything has two sides and everything is not
always what it appears on the outside. Of
course, if you have a sense of humor, you may
find employment as a sarcastic comedian. If
not, enjoy the choices that are presented to
you through life, they will always have two
sides to them,one which leads you to the light,
and the other which entrenches you in darkness.
Walk on with hope, my friend.
Where do you belong?(ANIME IMAGES)
brought to you by Quizilla
You are WILD AND CRAZY KIDS. You couldn't get
through life without a little fun... or a neon
colored t-shirt. You are a team player and
really into Omar Gooding. GO YOU!
Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Pirates of the Caribbean!
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla
well, im out. peace folks.
10:27 p.m.
the funniest part is that the song revolves around donuts!
ok.. i got the layout to be blood red.. which is badass.. considering how cool it is. we got the regular hot chick.. unfortunately she gets killed in the movie.. if i were her boyfriend if probably be the funny one that she kills earlier in the movie.. "do you like ferraris?" heh.. next time i wanna try and pick up a chick ill use that one.. only if they dont have a sword.
9:47 p.m.
movin on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky...
Feeling: alright i guess..
Music: She wants to move by N.E.R.D.
well.. it seems that since, my other blog on upsaid has been not updated for a little over a month, i had to move over here to the good folks at diaryland. to upsaid, FUCK YOU! im with diaryland.. ill make another update later.. and hopefully i can get a ky eyecatch on later..