it's so strange to look back at a year ago. to think about how stuck i felt. how strange i felt. how lost and unsure i felt. then to compare that to today. what's changed? nothing, really. i'm just a different kind of stuck and unsure now. i can't believe i've let a whole damn year slip by and that i'm in this same damn familiar place.
a year ago we were having tough conversations and your anxiety was building and building and my uncertainty was building and building and we both just started doubting each other entirely. it became so toxic. we were so codependent and fed off of each other's doubts. i couldn't take your lack of trust anymore, your questioning literally every move i made. so i did something about it. i left. and then our counselor quit on us, and you did EMDR and literally became desensitized, and the distance between us got further and further. and now, here we are. where, exactly? who the fuck really knows.
all i know is that you don't know. and now, finally, i DO know. it took me many months and a shitton of space to figure it out, but i still want you. i still love you. probably entirely too much. but i want so badly to take this new lease on our relationship, this clean slate, and to start over and build something great with it. something healthy and happy and content and safe and jovial. something where we can work so hard together and fit each other like puzzle pieces, but we can still have our own lives, our own goals, our own friends. be our own people. that sounds so fucking wonderful. but you don't know anymore. you've lost your job. you're depressed. i left. everything sucks. i get it, i do. but i am so so so tired of being in purgatory. this was supposed to last 3 months, max. we're now going on 6+ months. it's really hard to believe.
it's hard to fathom how much your outlook has changed. a year ago you were holding me so close that you were suffocating me. you needed me. you were drinking in every little bit that i would give you, and then some. it was exhausting. now? well, now, i'm lucky if i can get you to commit to dinner with me. i ask to make plans with you and you say "let's wait and see how we feel." well, i know how i'll feel. i'll want to see you, just like i always do, and you'll continue to be wishy-washy up until the day of, maybe even hours before. it's just a different kind of exhausting. and i'm trying to be patient, i really am. because eventually you gave me my space. and maybe it wasn't by choice, but you stepped back a little and let me do my thing. let me breathe. let me find myself, reinvent myself, even. but what are you doing with this time and space, besides fucking that redheaded bitch and playing house on the weekends? and besides wallowing in your self-pity? and besides putting me off and putting all of the blame on me? i'm not sure. i want things to be better, i do. but can they be? will we ever really be able to move past this? this weird blip in our relationship? i have so many thoughts, so many fears running through my head. but i'm still willing to try. i'm still ready to try. but when will you be? ever? in the meantime i guess i'll just wait and keep distracting myself with other people. which is just so horrible to type out and admit. but here i am. waiting.