I have seen pictures of myself as a child. My mother always used to tell me how fat and gross I was, and I'd never be as pretty as the other girls. I have seen those pictures again. I was cute, and I was NOT fat! I was not stick thin but I was normal. I was absolutely center of the line normal and cute!!! I wish she would never have said anything. I wish I could have remained normal in eating habits and thought. I wish I could be something more useful than I am now. I am stuck in this damn loop, and I can't get out of it. My identity is no longer academic, nor has it been for some time. I am just an eating disorder now. My happiness and future are all related to the same petty issue. It's not self-pity. I know these things can change, but I don't think I'm strong enough after having lived this way for over half my life. I get nowhere with my therapist or shrink. I can't afford inpatient treatment, and my parents would never even consider helping me financially for this one. (Nor have they ever. I paid for my college education, and still am.)

My point, well, I don't know. I just keep thinking back to that cute little, smart brat and wondering where it really did go wrong.

<<<>>>