Hey guys�.anyone who might still come and read this after I�ve been away for so long. I don�t even know how to start explaining about everything that�s going on in my life. Uni is on it�s way down the drain, things between my parents are strained to the limit and my sister is really ill. I can�t even talk about it on here�.I don�t WANT to talk about it. I am so paranoid about this thing now and I think that�s mostly why I don�t come on here because on here I tend to be honest-me�the me who says a bit too much about the shit that�s troubling her teeny weeny braincell.
I�ve become a certified myspaz addict�not that I really DO anything on there like listen to music or look for new people�I just kind of use it as a way to daydream. That and the tattoo forum I�ve joined. It�s like my brain can�t connect with the real world anymore�the only thing I really want to connect with right now is roller derby. I can go mad on wheels�I can fall and crash and smash and bash and yell and scream and laugh�and I can be the loud person that�s been bursting to get out. But I�ve been neglecting the rest of my life and I�m a bit sorry about that. Nothing is real�I�ve dreamt and daydreamed my way through and essay and a half (I didn�t quite manage to make a good job of the second essay. It was a half-attempt) and an exam�it�s been the worst time of my life.
Anyway�most of my time I�ve been this girl:
my Roller Derby alter ego. I�ve spent about 6 hours on 8 wheels so far�and just for that fact I�m doing pretty damn well. I fall down quite a lot but I�m up on my feet again within seconds and skating off. I�m managing to do all the falls quite well, I�m just not excellent at stopping (which is quite important really) and my balance is pretty shit too, but I�m sure that�ll improve with practice.
Anyway�I�ve been avoiding life, not because I want to but because my brain has kind of shut off to everything. I can�t handle thinking about anything else and it�s SO hard just to write this, let alone anything else. I try and write emails and I find myself with nothing to say, nothing to ask, feeling like a boring stupid shit�I can�t even answer posts on my tattoo forum properly. I type something out and then I obsess about how people are going to interpret what I write and then I start thinking that someone is going to get offended and I sound like a twat anyway so I just delete it and I don�t get involved in the thread�and then it carries on without me and I feel SO left out and like I just can�t fit in anywhere�not even in a digital community. Not here�not really on myspace either (because I�m just so paranoid about everything)�and do I really fit into the derby team? I want to, I really do�but I�m such a wimp, so quick to back out of responsibilities�will I stick to this? I�ve GOT to stick to this. I want to�I don�t want to give in. But I�m such a coward and I find it so hard to make friends. Even when I feel like people like me, I still wonder if behind my back they�re saying mean things. So many times on Saturday I got the feeling that ppl were talking about me. Even if it was in a good way, I just don�t know. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
*sad*
I hope life is good everywhere else�I�ve missed this place xx
Commissioned from:
Last Lemon Productions!