2006-10-06 - 1:15 p.m.
I opened my first beer at 12:01 pm today, and that should say it all...
Without going into boring mundane (and depressing) details, let's just say that I feel like I have failed as a mother to my second child (the middle). Others see her as fun and happy-go-lucky with the kind of voice that could melt an iceberg, but her family and a few select others have been privy to her other side. She can snap as quickly as throwing an invisible switch and it ends just as quickly. What happens in between can only be described as hell on earth (...for me). She does not exhibit any signs of a conscience or true remorse after the fury is over. There is no reasoning with her.
My first child (who is by no stretch perfect) has never thrown a fit. We treat our kids equally, yet we have an obvious problem. Last night I sobbed as I felt that somehow I had done her wrong along the way to make her like this. To add guilt to the situation, I didn't like her. Even love was difficult last night, but like was out of the question. I couldn't look at her...
The past several months have been sort of a transition period. There's been lots to deal with and up until now I felt as though I was handling it well. Not today... Combine the events of the past two day, add in impending job change and potential move and top it off with a full moon and you have me.
I don't see any resolution in the immediate future, but perhaps a night (and afternoon) of Cottonwood Pumpkin Ale will at least provide some sort of catharsis. Only one way to find out...
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