Arrgghhh! The guilt, the guilt! It weighs heavily upon my mind...so I am here again...putting in a new entry so that I won't get in too much more trouble with my friends.

Ummm...I've spent most of this past week hosting my son...which is always a lot of fun, tiresome and stressful at times, but ultimately a lot of fun.

My father is still suffering. He was finally diagnosed with sinusitis and is counting off the days until his surgery. He now moves and acts more like an old man and it's distressing to me and my mother. Still, he says he's happy that his grandson is visiting and claims that the hugs he gets are better than any medicine he could take. So, I'm glad for that much.

He will be five soon, my son. In a few more days we'll be celebrating his birth, which was a joyous and painful and awesome experience all rolled up into one. Sometimes I cannot believe just how well it all turned out... even with the crap that happened during the pregnancy...the medical concerns, the arguments over whose "fault" it was that I was pregnant to begin with, the convention we co-chaired together with his dream guests, the boring bedrest in the final month. Our son was worth it all...he's a miracle and a joy and the best thing we ever did together and probably separately to date. And, the husband realizes it...which is why I think he's fighting so hard to remain a major part of his son's life. He lives in constant fear that I will somehow snatch our son away and bolt for parts unknown. And he cannot seem to believe that I could have the compassion needed to ensure that I would never give into my own fears and flight instinct to carry through with such a drastic measure. It's all a wacked mini-drama, I know.

So, anyhow, there's this incident that took place recently, with this guy from myspace...where I basically didn't believe my own instincts and I believed all the shit he was feeding me. Which was basically a ploy to see if he could get into my pants. Well, we ended up meeting and he claims that I didn't do anything for him...then he kind of wacked out on me when I voiced my "weird vibes" theory about him and he started insulting me in email. Well, I tried to go the rational "I'm not going to sink to your level" road to only find that my parting shot got "blocked" by him. He proudly proclaimed in his journal that I was the first person he'd blocked...then proceeded to "describe" me...claiming that I was the one who got left by the hubby. It was all pretty funny, considering the fact that he had written all these falsely supportive statements in response to my journal there. So, I packed up my journal, deleted it from there, took down my photos and posted one last post in my journal...here it is...just for shits and giggles:

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

last entry, I think...

There are only so many insults a person can take before it becomes painfully obvious that the other person truly never had any real sense of respect or affection for the first person. So, I am going to take what's left of my pride and go. Because, basically, there's nothing to ensure that this won't happen again. I regret having let this person get close enough to know what would really hurt me. Stupid me, eh?

{beginning of cut and paste}

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: "J"

Date: Jan 14, 2004

lol, you amuse me, and NO, I was not that attracted to you as far as a "Hook up" after I met and saw you in person, good luck to you my easy friend, and you are right, I was not that sincere with you,as I am sure most of men that meet you aren't either....lol...the person to feel sorry for the most here is not you,is not me, it is YOUR CHILD!....now BE GONE TRAMP

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: me

Date: Jan 14, 2004 08:13 AM

if you seriously think about what you've just said...you'll see just how fake you are yourself. You profess to have concern for others, but it's all about the hookup, isn't it. As for the "loose to the internet ways" comment...ummm...not sure what you mean. I don't fuck everything that comes along...ergo, I don't have anything I need antibiotics for. Thanks for your concern though. Yeah, you're probably right...I could do with some therapy, but that applies to most people, even you. Don't be so mad at me that you'll just continue to lash out and try to hurt me with your insults. It only helps to confirm my fears that maybe you weren't as sincere as you kept saying you were. Either way, we're probably better off this way....Apologies for wasting your time.

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: "J"

Date: Jan 14, 2004 08:00 AM

Whatever, you are a fake ,lost soul...you need serious Therepy and with your loose to the internet ways,I am sure you could use some Penicilian also....NOW it is TOTALLY clear why you husband got rid of you, congrats to him!!

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: me

Date: Jan 14, 2004 07:53 AM

wow...ok...since you feel so strongly about it. Sorry that my comments hurt you. And, we have gone through this all once before, it seems. Best of luck with finding whatever it is you think you're looking for. May you get what you deserve.

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: "J"

Date: Jan 14, 2004 07:27 AM

PLEASE DELETE MY COMMENT! NOW!!!

{end of cut and paste}

So, anyhow, that's what happened. Again, my own willingness to expose my own stupidity is somewhat boggling to me...but I guess I just had to get it out.

Since then, I've heard twice from him... one was an IM to tell me that he was glad I was gone and an email to tell me to "Please call!!! ASAP!!" with a phone number. I looked it up, half expecting it to be a number for a crisis center hotline, but the reverse # lookup produced nothing. I suspect he's rather proud of himself and believes that he's won. Whatever. I am not going to spend anymore effort trying to figure out what the hell I was thinking in chatting with him to begin with. My only regret is that I didn't stay away the first time...and didn't get to tell him what I thought of his package. But, I think that's just my "fox with the sour grapes attitude" talking.

lmao...I should never try to IM while I'm writing an entry...it just ends up throwing off my train of thought. And, it's just become derailed...because I didn't ask the right questions... again. Probably because I already knew the answers in my heart of hearts but I was in denial. Why should I be surprised? Still, we're still chatting, which is a good sign...and, he is an interesting individual...with more "depth" now that we've come clean with our own life stories.

Ok...I think that this is going to be it for now. Am looking at blogspot, because I like how it appears to be set up...from the blogs I've seen there.

Next // Previous