ok. well, i did end up making it back to university back in january. the transition wasn't easy, the social life was nerve-wracking, the school work was initially demanding [and then promptly placed on the back burner], the ex was [is] uber fucking petulant. so i whined and cried and kicked and yelled. you might think i'm exaggerating, but no, i acted like a bona-fide second grader. not my finest hour.
i went home for spring break, spent a week alone in a cheap hotel because i refused to see my father, and made sporadic trips to the house when he was away at work. spending my nights alone in a stark white room, bingeing on microwave macaroni and entire cakes, lonely, desperate, and so incredibly fucking afraid. afraid of what? everything, anything, and nothing. i'm not really sure, but i was so afraid i nearly didn't go back to school.
i sobbed to my mother. "i can't go back. i hate it there. i want - i need - to be in a hospital. i'm sick. i'm sick."
but i did go back.
and i realized - i'm not a child anymore. i'm older and wiser and stronger. and braver. i can protect myself from the people and things i was helpless against before. so in short, things are a lot better than they have been in a long while.
sure, life is still far from perfect, but it's not so bleak either. sure, i'm still lacking in the self-esteem department, but i'm taking real steps to improve. and sure, i still hate my body, but this time around i know i can succeed in changing it.
hell, i'm at one of the most prestigious universities in the nation. i'm young and healthy and [in may respects] lucky. i know i can achieve whatever i set my mind to. shit, i made it into this little hole, didn't i? so what if it's festering with shitloads of spoiled rich kids and pretentious professors? there's still a thing or two that's good about it. and i'm going to make the best of it.
::c h e e r s:: here's to whining a whole helluva lot less. and doing a whole helluva lot more.