2006.01.26 - 5:33 p.m.
Admitting the problem is the first step.Okay, I've been too lazy to write about my life. However, the latest topic, "vices,"was suggested for a little writers' gorup I participate in from time to time. . .
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I�d be the first to concede that there�s a weaker side to my constitution; a part of me has a history of being easily seduced by life�s more seductive and destructive vices. I smoked for 20 years, finally quitting back in �95. I let alcohol commandeer my life for a few years, but eventually came to my senses back in �93 and I haven�t touched the stuff since. I also had a long string of short term (though mostly pleasant) relationships, which were based more on passion and lust than on compatibility and common sense. However, I�m proud to announce that I�ve since married Linda, and adopted two new vices � McKenna and Matthew � who, though sometimes destructive, definitely fall under the healthy addiction category, if there is such a thing.
Yet, despite my previous successes at overcoming some of life�s most pernicious and tenacious vices, there is one troublesome vice I haven�t been able to defeat. . .
Dick.
I�ve been troubled by this annoying vice � this Dick problem � since the year 2000. Unlike most vices, which begin pleasurably and lose their appeal over time, this vice was distasteful right from the start, then it simply progressed from bad to worse. Yes, I know . . . as a middle-aged, white, heterosexual male, I�m not supposed to have a problem with Dick (nor with Bush, for that matter; but then again, Bush isn�t really a vice). Research would certainly show that it�s women in their prime and homosexual men who have the most problems with Dick. (Though many on the far right assume that all liberal men have a problem with Dick � it�s kind of an inside joke with them.).
I hit rock bottom with my Dick problem back in 2004. At one point during that year, things were so bad that I was simply throwing money left and right (mostly left) at anything I thought might be a cure. Now, I wish I had kept that money. After so many years of dealing with Dick, my family and I will be paying off debts for decades, wasting money that could have been spent more productively elsewhere.
The good news is that after reading up on the Dick problem, I can be reasonably certain that the symptoms will disappear in 2008. Though I�ve also read that even if the root causes of my Dick obsession go away, future events may lead to a relapse where I begin to think about Dick again. This means I�ll have to stay away from situations where I might be exposed to Dick, or compelled to think about Dick, no matter how hard that may be.
In the mean time, if anyone can recommend a good 12-step program, or any helpful books on overcoming Dick, I�d truly appreciate it. I�d really like to put this troubling vice behind me as soon as possible. Thanks!
