1:06 p.m. - 2024-04-26
Freaked me out a bit.......
"If my memory serves me right, I had a row with my kids, I had a row with my partner. I generally thought that there was no reason for me to get up in the morning, there was no value in what I was doing, therefore dead seemed like a very good option. So, dead was what I aimed for."
"When you arrive at that point in your life, it's not talking you want.....you just want it to stop. Dead is the only real way to stop, because what you're stopping is the experiences, it's life. I'd done the counseling part; you don't want to repeat it over and over. You just want it to stop. So, dead it is."
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Taken not verbatim, but very close, from a YouTube video called "What are the symptoms of a mental breakdown?" I was cleaning with this in my ear, and it stopped me cold. I have never had my experience described so closely.
For me, it was 2011. I was in the throes of the breakup from a five-year relationship and was not doing well. Things began to unravel at work, I was a window clerk for USPS and frequently stressed there as well. That day was one of them. I spoke with my sister while in the middle of work stress, she was demanding I get out of her house (temporary sanctuary) so her daughter could come stay. I was planning on being out, had everything under control but I wasn't moving in line with her timing, so she blasted me at work. I then tried to call my ex, I was near hysterical, and she wouldn't come to me. Last chance, I called a couple friends, but nobody was available.
I looked down beside me. A just filled script for valium. In tears and despondent, I gulped the bottle, then went to Walgreens and got some Tylenol PM to finish things. I took a handful of that. I only made it about two miles or less and I passed out. I woke the next day exactly 24 hours later. Three very upset family members were with me. Daughter in tears, Mom pacing, and my son looking like he would kill me if he could.
I knew almost immediately that it was a huge mistake, and I knew I would never do it again. Two weeks later I watched my first grandson's Christmas program and just wept. People thought I was crazy saying I was "cured". One friend lost a brother to suicide, and she was very very ugly about my attitude. But.....I never would have planned it. I was just circling the drain, and I wanted it all to stop. It was irrational, and impulsive. Not planned.
I just wanted it to stop. Just stop.
*However....should I be terminal and have no quality of life, I would prefer not to linger.
