yes, i am a dreamer, and these feathers, they won't stay.

6:10 a.m. on 2014-11-12

i never did get back to fill in the blanks from my last entry. it's 6:11am here so now isn't the time, either. eventually.

i started to think today about feelings. romantic feelings. i don't have those anymore, i think i exhausted them on a person who exhausted me until i sent us separate ways last year.

the first time i thought he didn't love me, it devastated me so i didn't tell anyone. i thought i was breaking down at the time. but it wasn't the end and the second time i thought he didn't love me, i didn't care as much so i didn't tell anyone. it was numbing. but it wasn't the end, either, and the third time i thought he didn't love me, it was a relief so i didn't tell anyone. it was like a light had switched on. but then i knew that he did love me, and i felt caught and disappointed and it wasn't because i didn't love him, i did, it was just not the way things were meant to work out.

i don't know how things were meant to work out. i wasn't meant to wonder, a year after the fact (and that was seven years after the start, we marvelled, just before i called time) what might have been by now if i hadn't walked. part of me says he would have. the bigger part of me says he wouldn't, and maybe i'm trying not to let myself believe i made the wrong decision.

it wasn't wrong at the time.

he's not the reason i'm awake. christ, i'm bad at sleeping.