The Block
2024-04-14 at 12:35 a.m.
He finally blocked me today.
So many things to say but I was on the phone with Connor for almost 2 hours talking about it and trying to analyze what it all means. Why did he just block me now? I've been texting him every day.
His last email was long and pretty mean and the part I remember the most is the ending:
"Please understand and please move on.
There is no us.
I can't forget the disappointment I have in you.
The damange you did to me is unthinkable, unimaginable, and unforgiven."
"THERE IS NO US."
I think I read that a million times. Hurts like a dagger but I just could not process it because he's said these things before. He's blocked me before...and then he's unblocked me. But this feels different. Mainly because of the first message he sent which was somewhat caring and sweet and wishing me well and hoping I find peace and self respect...
I'm scared. What if he doesn't unblock me like he has weeks later in the past?
I was going to make him a raw/sad video with all my thoughts while I looked very cute but...now it seems pointless. It seems as though if I want him back, I have to treat this like a relationship I had in my 20s, by ignoring him.
Why would he write these long messages to me if he didn't care anymore? Why would he send me an email asking me to send him reasons why I miss and care about him? This all seems a lot like his narcissistic personality.
I feel ok right now but tomorrow morning I know I will spiral. I need to try to move on and while I do that, I know he will come back. I just know. They always come back when you ignore them. Even the 61 year olds. What's interesting is I even told my mom about it, I never do that. I think she is very confused as to what to say because I have never told her about a boyfriend ever.
One thing that will make it easier is that because he is so old, he has no social media. There will be no torture of looking or blocking or looking and then blocking. Of looking at every new person that he adds. I will never know, thank God. I can't even go to his restaurant anymore because he doesn't have one. The only way anything can really happen is if I check one day and see that he has unblocked my number.
What is very strange about the situation is that while it shows that I'm blocked and my messages go as green (doesn't say sent as text message)...when I call him, it rings for a normal amount of time and goes to voicemail. What does that mean? Ugh, I'll find out tomorrow somehow.
How I feel today: 6/10. I should feel horrible but I think I'm on the block "high" and tomorrow the sorrow will settle in.
I'm also going to keep track of his behavior because I want to see if he has a pattern in his reaching out. 1) We broke up on the 18th. I texted him almost every day and the first time he reached out to me was on the 30th of March. So 12 days, close to 2 weeks. We kept communicating continuously but sparsely throughout the next two weeks and today is the block. So assuming this pattern continues, he will most likely unblock me in almost 2 weeks so that would be close to April 26th.
Let's see if this is right.
Oh, and I had pancreatitis again. It was all so painful and depressing. Drinking is bad for you. I hate being admitted to the hospital, the people in there are so creepy and when you're hooked up to an IV, you can't even escape. The morphine was fun though.
Ok, talk to you tomorrow when I will most likely be in a complete depressive void.
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