seka's Diaryland Diary

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when you're out

I'm rambling through sunsets a lot lately, I suppose in search of some inspiration or meaning. All it does is reinforce my feeling of loneliness. Sure is pretty though.

8:17 p.m. - 2017-09-08

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simply

It was a normal conversation on an uneventful night. The kind of inane topics couples who’ve been together a long time talk about. How was work? What did you do today? I had _____ for dinner. After 7 years our era of discovery and surprise has been replaced by the comfortable routine. Thats not necessarily a bad thing. Its what happens. Things were wrapping up, I was glancing at the clock waiting to go take my shower before bed when she said: ‘Oh, I’m going on a trip’
‘Oh, yeah? Cool, where?’ Assuming it was another business trip.
‘Colorado, skiing, for the long weekend’
‘Neat, with your cousins?’
‘Uh, no with some friends from school’ (she’s taking night school classes to be an HR Generalist)
‘…Huh’
‘Yeah, its just some of my classmates’
‘So… I guess I’m not going?’
‘Its not like that, its just school friends’
‘I see. So guys and girls huh?’
‘Yeah.’
‘…’
‘ Are you cool with that?’
‘I’m not sure… Do I have a choice? It sounds like a done deal. I’m not trying to be Mr. Possessive boyfriend here or anything but I’ve never heard you mention any friends from school before, so I’m a bit surprised is all.’
‘Ok’
I’m pretty sure there was more to the conversation after this but I honestly can’t recall what it was. 'She's cheating' my gut is telling me. And the damned thing is usually right. Am I jumping to conclusions? Being paranoid? Maybe. But I know her and I know me and I know us. Red flags are going off in my head. I’m really not the jealous, controlling type but this doesn’t sit right with me. I’m also not ready to make this a fight. Yet. I stall for time:
‘Ok, well, its getting late, I should get going.’
‘Bye’ ‘Bye’
I don’t talk to her for 3 days.
On the fourth day she sends me a text message: I want to talk to you. I’m going to call you tonight at 8pm. Answer it.
She calls me at 8pm and tells me ‘its over’. She’s telling me why, explaining things, she always was a talker, that one but Its not important. Its just palliative care at this point.
I’m the Ice Man, stolid as an Iceberg, I’m a fortress on full alert. but I don’t fight, I don’t protest. I do this because I know it hurts her and I’m feeling hurt and pride is a terrible thing.
‘Ok, well, umm thanks for loving me for 7 years, I guess… Have a nice life?’ I say in summation.
She’s crying. I’m glad.
And thats that.

10:41 p.m. - 2017-06-16

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I know, I know

Forgive me, dear reader I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with this thing. Do I want it to be a chronological record of the things I did? Dear Diary, today was rainy and my back was sore and work was shitty... blah blah blah. But what is the alternative? A collection of trite, random observations? Dear Diary, so what's the deal with Airline food? And women, am I right? I feel like I'm too old to go through the whole emo existential crisis thing. Like, I've been an adult for a long time now and you just keep on truckin', keep on keeping on. I used to write a lot about the things I watched, the music I listened to and the books I read. That seems self-indulgant to me now. Like oh wow, so you read Nietzsche congratulations. My father always claimed he had Seasonal Adjustment Disorder. I always thought that was bunk but I played along dutifully. But I have to admit I wouldn't mind seeing the sun again. I've also been thinking about starting smoking again. I know, I know- stupid. But God I used to love smoking and I still miss it.

8:20 p.m. - 2017-05-04

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no book

Ok I jumped the gun a bit, it wasn't pre-911 it was 2005. I guess that's what, pre-Facebook? pre-iPhone? I dunno, I don't have big milestones anymore to gauge the things flying past my rearview mirrors. Decades are measured in pet deaths, family deaths, relationship deaths, cars and jobs. I'm between books right now which is my favourite place to be. I love reading but I love the short period between books when you have nothing on the go and you ask yourself hmm what do I feel like reading...

8:08 p.m. - 2017-05-03

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time time

I literally haven't written in this thing in over a decade. Holy shit I think it was actually pre-911. That guy is gone, that world is gone. I'm older, greyer and umm... probably still a dumb-ass, I've just learned a thing or two about pretending. Learned a thing or two about time. Its about time.

8:01 p.m. - 2017-05-03

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bye

I've closed this page, and become someone else. But rest assured, I'm still reading you all every single damn day...

6:09 p.m. - 2005-12-10

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goodbye

10:40 p.m. - 2005-10-03

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