shetries's Diaryland Diary
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as promised
evamilkshake: do you think that first virtual model's thighs are bigger than mine?
SkyIsAcanvas: I don't know I never saw you in your underwear
evamilkshake: hehe no, i suppose you haven't
evamilkshake: what's wrong with you! you should have!
SkyIsAcanvas: lol
SkyIsAcanvas: I know I know, shame on me
SkyIsAcanvas: although yeah
SkyIsAcanvas: from the poor lighting under trees I don't recall your thighs being that size
evamilkshake: hahahaha
SkyIsAcanvas: but then again I didn't think the model looked half bad
hehehe, he's such a dork.
2:40 pm - 12.04.03
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motivation.
i found a fun site.
this is what i look like now:
well, i'm a lot paler. and i have scars all over. and my hair is kind of different. and, actually, i think my thighs are a bit smaller...unless maybe i'm fatter than i realize (i should ask eric...haha...poor eric). and my boobs are a little smaller. actually, maybe they're not. i'm sure they could look like that, were i wearing a wonder bra. speaking of wonder bras, victoria's secret has a new one without pads!! that makes me so happy because i've always wanted (needed!) a wonderbra but i feel silly wearing a paded bra, so this rocks! i have to get to the mall...
heh, yeah, back to business... this is what i will look like after a few months of only eating celery and carrots:
and i will be happier and people will like me more and my life will be better. deffinitly worth some hunger pains.
2:12 pm - 12.04.03
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i hate mirrors
i hate myself and i'm going to starve myself until i'm a size five. starting.... now.
1:27 pm - 12.04.03
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i love love love love love this cd!
i was rifling through my room, searching for something i had written a while ago that i suddenly felt the need to read and i came across a cd stuffed into a box. i fliped it over and saw that it was labled american analog set/california snow story. and i procedded to yell "YAY!"
american analog set are good, but that's not that i was excited about. california snow story (download "out of time" !!!) were courtney's boyfriend's band. and oh my gosh, they're great. when she gave me this cd it had a permanent place in my cd player for about a month. (as long as i don't think about the fact the lyrics are about courtney) they're seriously probably one of my top twenty favorite bands ever. and i forgot they even existed. yay!
this is the absolute most perfect music for right now.
my mind flies over the sea
i've been hiding the underlaying disappointment
impossible dreams come easy to me
if you were here for a day
then maybe you'd say that nobody's free
is there any reason why we're always out of time?
11:22 am - 12.04.03
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eric, job, prodigy, jean chretien
i awoke to find a very nice email from eric and a job. i have an awesome friend and i shall be working at the cutest little pharmacy. woo.
i also awoke to realize i am psycho-somatic, addict, insane. okay, maybe i've just been listening to too much prodigy lately... but either way i'm crazy. really. i think about things too much and then i get these crazy notions in my head and then i act on them.
like, all of the sudden i'll be sure the prime minister of canada hates me and i'll assume that, since he never stops by to see me, he must be avoiding me. and then i'll all call him up and be like "yo! prime minister, why you avoiding me??" and he'll be all like "i'm playing nintendo" and then i'll be all like "oh" and feel stupid because it's SO OBVIOUS that the super mario brothers are the reason canada's prime minister hasen't come to see me, and then i'll feel all stupid and bad and decide the prime minster needs to not know me because i'm crrrrrazy. and then, the next time i talk to the prime minister i'm either mean, so that he'll hate me (for his own good) or i appologize until the prime minister is really annoyed and wants to, like, kick me out of canada.
heh...yeah....i should be quiet now.
10:27 am - 12.04.03
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candyland.
i had a great night. lots of fun. i had a great day. lots of opportunity opening up. things are finally changing.
but then i started to read a story dan had wrote and eric sent to me. and it mad me...it's MAKING me...so sad. i'm not going to finish reading it.
i wish people wouldn't play games.
1:21 am - 12.04.03
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simile
evamilkshake: it's like...like a puzzle piece. there's only one that fits, whether it's the first piece you try or the twentieth
9:34 pm - 12.02.03
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eric's hair
evamilkshake: your hair is funny, because it doesn't grow down, it grows out
SkyIsAcanvas: lol yeah
evamilkshake: like, it doesn't get really long, it just gets really big
evamilkshake: hehehe i remember when you used to put pens in it....
evamilkshake: haha
SkyIsAcanvas: still do
evamilkshake: i had the biggest silly crush on you and your dumb pen hair
SkyIsAcanvas: I don't blame you
evamilkshake: hehehe
SkyIsAcanvas: musta been the sexiest thing on god's green earth
evamilkshake: oh, it was. i could barely contain myself. and then, when you would put MULTIPLE pens in it...oh baby
SkyIsAcanvas: lol
SkyIsAcanvas: LOL
SkyIsAcanvas: LOLOLOL
SkyIsAcanvas: that's gross
8:56 pm - 12.02.03
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holiday. celebrate.
Arienette 8: we bought toy microphones and a huge plastic pink crayon
Arienette 8: so, needless to say, my night has been amazing
also, 100 stick-on earings. some of them glittery and some of them GLOW IN THE DARK (ooo). i also bought my very own cell phone. if anyone wants to hit me up my digits are 888-8888. i called outkast with it. and told him to shake it like a polaroid picture. but i think he got the wrong idea...
i missed my best friend!
8:32 pm - 12.02.03
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i gotta tell you something...
have i ever mentioned that "strawberry julius" is the awesomest song ever? oh, wait, i have. well, it still is. if there was only one song in the world i would want it to be "strawberry julius."
5:14 pm - 12.02.03
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trying to decide if this is good or bad...
my pants keep falling down. which is good, because it means i'm losing weight, but it's also bad because...well, because my pants keep falling down.
4:45 pm - 12.02.03
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almost there.
today has been good. i hung out with pam...for a couple hours earlier, for about an hour just now. i talked to tyler and i understand a lot more than i did. tomorrow my mother is taking me to look for jobs.
things are getting better. i can feel it.
12:13 am - 12.02.03
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i like words that are not mine.
"I wish I could tell someone the pure, unfiltered, unadulterated truth without it turning into some jittery, convoluted attack." - fraidykath
"I'm too afraid of things I need to be doing and things that I will like. If I saw you on the bus I'd probably pretend to be asleep because I'm terrified of everything" - dancecraze
3:27 pm - 11.30.03
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dig it?
SkyIsAcanvas (4:51:25 PM): I can type without looking at my hands
Arienette 8 (4:51:31 PM): me too!
SkyIsAcanvas (4:51:39 PM): excellent
Arienette 8 (4:51:40 PM): i'm doing it right now!
SkyIsAcanvas (4:51:43 PM): hehe
SkyIsAcanvas (4:51:44 PM): me also
Arienette 8 (4:51:47 PM): rock!
SkyIsAcanvas (4:51:49 PM): I realized I could do that today
SkyIsAcanvas (4:51:58 PM): and it's safe to say I was arrogantly proud of myself
Arienette 8 (4:51:58 PM): i realized it a while ago
Arienette 8 (4:52:04 PM): and i was like WOAH!
SkyIsAcanvas (4:52:04 PM): haha
SkyIsAcanvas (4:52:08 PM): exactly
SkyIsAcanvas (4:52:12 PM): I think I've been doing it for a year
SkyIsAcanvas (4:52:17 PM): although who knows
SkyIsAcanvas (4:52:24 PM): maybe it just started today
Arienette 8 (4:52:35 PM): hehehe, i thought the SAME thing.
SkyIsAcanvas (4:52:44 PM): haha
Arienette 8 (4:52:46 PM): i was like "have i been doing this all along??"
my whole life works that way...
2:15 pm - 11.30.03
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talking shit about a pretty sunset
oh noose, tied myself in, tied myself too tight
looking kind of anxious in your cross armed stance
like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
and i claim i'm not excited with my life any more
so i blame this town, this job, these friends
the truth is it's myself
and i'm trying to understand myself
and pinpoint where i am
by the time i get things figured out
i've change the whole damn plan
oh noose, tied myself in, tied myself too tight
talking shit about a pretty sunset
blanketing opinions that i'll probably reget soon
i've changed my mind so much i cant even trust it
my mind changed me so much i cant even trust myself
modest mouse
1:39 pm - 11.30.03
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its been agreed, the whole world stinks, so no ones taking showers anymore
i've been listening to a lot of modest mouse lately. as you may be able to tell from my layout. the lyrics sound like my thoughts, not in the sense i can relate, one does not "relate" to modest mouse. just in the sense they have the same structure, the same way about them...the moon and antartica fits well with red skies and rome. the music feels like i'm feeling...not in an emotinal sense, nothing like that, no, the music just feels like me...if you could touch it you would be touching my skin.
yes, modest mouse has been perfect. nice that something has...
12:14 am - 11.30.03
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fine.
no, no i'm doing fine. there has been an inquiry. and i really am okay. no more down than usual. no less happy than i was a month or two or three ago. maybe a little bit more. more happy. maybe.
no, it's just this mood i've been in. i've made a few entries in here, that i prompty deleted, and i'm sure no one caught. about rome burning. about seahorses. about the snow outside and the sufocating dryness of the air in my room and the fact the sky is still red at night.
i suppose i am tired. of doing this. which is, really, doing nothing. doing nothing has become absolutly exhausting. when i go to sleep at night (that's right, i've been sleeping nights) i fall to sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. completly worn out from a long, hard day of nothing.
i need more. and so i'm starting. enough of this. and this time i mean it and this time it's for real.
real.
10:29 am - 11.30.03
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cold tile
i saw the future once.
i was drunk in a phone booth.
my eyes were wet and red
but i could not tell what was said.
and through the screams of the traffic
voices carried, saying "i am sorry."
on a day so gray its black inside
watching churches on tv.
in a coma you don't dream
you just hope that someone sits with you.
babies turn blue when they are ignored
like the sky on summer days.
before you turn and walk away.
it has changed you.
so tonight to compensate i will...
i will poison myself.
another coughing, shaking fit
in a bathroom that is spinning.
bright eyes
3:12 pm - 11.28.03
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i just don't know....
this is going to be in weblog form until i get rid of all of the older entries. woo.
so. here i am. yesterday was horribly terribly depressing. because kim's life is so much like mine was. kim is my cousin...my favorite cousin. and a few years ago i was sure that, by this time, i'd be getting her out of her house multiple times a week and taking her good places and teaching her good things and undoing what they're doing to her. but i haden't seen her in almost a year before yesterday and i hate myself like you wouldn't believe. i hate what i am, what i've let myself become.
and she talked to me about all the different schools she's been to in the last few years while throwing nervous glances to the kitchen where her parents were getting high and god dammit i should be in a position where i can do something.
I SHOULD BE! i could be. what am i doing? why can't i just...just be normal? i cried so hard last night...kim spent the night, but she slept in my brother's room because he has a VCR and she wanted to watch some movie, and all i did was hope and hope and hope she wouldn't come up the stairs and see me crying and...
there's so many people i need to be so much more for. everyone needs me and i don't know how to be anything for anyone and i don't know what to do and i'm crying again and...
i don't want this to be my life!
it feels like my music is taunting me.
but you should never be embarrassed by your trouble with living. because it is the ones with the sorest throats, laura, who have done the most singing.
fuck you conor, what the fuck do you know?
i am terribly embaressed.
and i know, i know, it's disgusting to sit here and cry about things that are within my power to change but...i just don't know what to do. i don't know how. i know how but...i don't know how. i just don't know. i am so fucking weak and i hate myself. i really really do.
i am THE worst person in the world. i am gross. no one should ever think anything good about me ever. ever.
ever.
1:40 pm - 11.28.03
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back.
i want my diary back, but i'm too lazy to do what i'm planning to do with it. so for now we'll have this ridiculously simple layout with no back or forward links, because part of what i want to do is get rid of all the older entries. yeah.
so, tis thanksgiving. you wouldn't be able to tell that since i am discluding date and time and such for the moment.
my aunt, unlce, and cousins came over for dinner. that has been thoroughly depressing. i shall add onto this entry with the details later because i just....don't feel like it.
yeah.
enough of this.
so if it makes you happy, keep kneeling mama, but i am standing up.
(eva's listening to a lot of bright eyes today)
7:45 pm - 11.27.03
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