2009-10-03 @ 8:58 a.m.....

Woke up in tears again today. Mind is racing to the point of no return by now. The fact that he can't understand that about me is making me question everything.

Little known fact. I haven't been touched in over 6 months. The psychological warfare that takes over when I am reminded of that fact is excruciating. And I am reminded of it Every. Single. Day.

We are approaching the 2 year anniversary and we haven't touched each other intimately in over 6 months. And the only person who brings it up is me. And the only explanation I get is "stress", "tired", "not a big deal".

Fuck that. It is a HUGE deal! Writing these words is sending me into a tailspin. Why, doesn't he find me attractive? Of course he must not, I find myself at the height of my weight gain and with a tragic haircut. I do not find myself attractive, so why should he? This is what my mind tells me and then I unravel. Why doesn't he ever bring it up, at least to let me know he's thinking of me in that way? That, I guess, is what sets me off on this bawling spree. That he doesn't even think about it, so it doesn't bother him. I watch him get ready in the morning and at night. But I feel like he looks the other way (at least that is what my mind is telling me).

Why would my mind want to torture me like this? Then, why wouldn't he want to help me when I am in this pain? He finds it "ridiculous" that I cry. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from.

My mind is deciding to add insult to injury by reminding me of the old pictures I found on his camera. Why? Why do that, mind? But I can't control it. It's like a ferocious dog tracking the scent of weakness. There it is, shake it out until it's neck snaps. POP!

My, oh my. If ever I thought that maybe I could surface from this, I'm sure that this post clearly shows otherwise.

The other problem is, once I start feeling abandoned, insecure, not listened to, helpless, trapped.... My mind kicks into "protective mode", in which the characteristics described above become survival instincts and rather good ones at that. The coat of armor locks around my heart and my mind starts spouting off all of the reasons why I am better off alone. So, being in a stable, loving relationship SUDDENLY turns into an absolute shitshow.

Reasons I thought I loved him, but my mind is now telling me is not true:
- I thought that he was a good listener
- I thought that he was non-judgemental
- I thought that he accepts people as they are
- I thought that he was a calming presence
- I thought that he knew the right things to say
- I thought that he had an open heart
- I thought that he had an open mind
- I thought that he didn't let stress affect him
- I thought that he was mature
- I thought that he was generous
- I thought that he was affectionate
- I thought that he was motivated
- I thought that he knew what was important in life
- I thought that he put others first
- I thought that he was able to understand deep emotion

My mind is feeding me examples of why none of the above is true (there is a glimmer of my rational self left that is refuting that and telling me that even though I can't see it right now, those things are still true about him). I mean, I know that he is still who he is and all of the above still apply to him (in the past, I have been "fooled", but this is not one of those times, I know that much) the thing is that my reality is I am not able to feel those things and rest my racing mind on examples from the heart. I cannot feel that he puts me first or that he understands just how deeply I feel things. I have nothing to rest my mind on because my heart is closed off with that protective armor all around it.

So my brain takes over and it mad-dogs everything. Obliterates whatever is in its path in order to make sure I don't get my heart hurt. Meanwhile, my heart hurts! It is shriveling up inside of its armored shell, no love coming or going. This is pain!

I think my mind assumes we'd be better off without the heart. Because, in the past, I have been manipulated and lied to and caught with an open heart only to get burned. I'm talking about starting from day 1. Then repeating and repeating until here I am now, reacting and repeating the cycle only now I am doing it all on my own.

While my brain is very intelligent and can process data quickly, efficiently and effectively... my mind is an absolute barbarian. My mind - which is extraordinarily creative and imaginative - takes over and turns into my worst enemy. My mind can convince me of just about anything. My mind has been an absolute workhorse in the matter of protecting my heart. Up until this point, it has been right, and so I have let it do its thing. Like those aggressive/nervous/insecure dogs on The Dog Whisperer, though, this is just promoting the unwanted behavior. I have been feeding into this negative energy for about 30 years. It has grown into this Mastiff of a monster that I can no longer control. It cannot tell the difference between friend and foe. And that's the problem.

What can I ask of him? He asks me how he can help, knowing that there is nothing he can do. At least that is what my mind is telling me. My brain needs to take over and find some solutions. I am a problem solver in every other area of my life except for this one. The solution coming from my mind is CUT AND RUN. But that is what I would have done if this wasn't real. If this wasn't the best person I ever met and wanted to be with for the rest of my life. How can I say that and not know it? My heart pipes up, my brain sneaks in. But my mind squashes all hope.

Problem-Solving:
- Go to therapy alone
- Go to couple's therapy
- Establish some sort of ground rules:
- no talking about frustration for 15 minutes after work
- no talking about work outside of work
- if I'm crying, let me cry and console my body (rub my back, hug me) - this is not consoling the irrational thoughts in my mind, this is consoling my body, which is connected to my brain and heart
- if he's frustrated or angry, shut up and give him space
- if I am not sure what is upsetting me, don't pry, let me come around
- if I am obviously avoiding something, only ask if you can handle the fallout
- if he is excited about something, be excited for him

I guess I'll try to think of some more, but that seems pretty reasonable. Except here comes my mind reminding me that I have asked for my share of the above and have not been granted a single thing. I have not tried to do the things listed for him yet, but I am better at doing things for others than for myself. So I guess that's why when he has asked me to:
- know when to hold things in and when to bring things up
- not let things bother me so much
- not dwell in a negative space for so long that it only can come out through tears
- not bring up things at the worst possible time
- choose my words so that they don't imply that he is wrong
- let him know what he can do to help*

* that last one I have done over and over again though. And this brings me back full circle to what I was talking about in the beginning of the post. I never ever realized how important physical touch was until I started dating him. With one hug or even intimate moment, I can begin to release whatever grip I had on the wrong thing and let it go. With a rub on the back, I can stop heaving and sobbing uncontrollably. I never realized the whole *heart* *brain* *body* connection until the body was completely removed from the equation. Usually, my mind makes me protect my body, because I have been used in the past. But usually, a man is unable to go for this long without bringing it up or trying some "moves".... Unfortunately I am weak also when it comes to "moves", so even when there were red flags in the past, I went for the *body* *heart* connection and left my brain out of it. Those times, I guess, is where the shame and the regret come in.... I'm only human!

This is what I've got to remind myself: "I am a human being, nothing human is alien to me" -Terentius (see my previous post for the source). In other words, I am not perfect, I am fallible, I've made some regrettable mistakes, and yet I've lived to tell about it. Stand up and hear me say, I am only human.

My heart desperately wanted to feel and my mind has done lots to protect it from feeling anything in order to avoid feeling pain. In the process, I have rebelled, I have cried, I have hurt. In doing so, I just proved my mind right every time.

Now, I am telling my mind - SHUT UP!! LET ME BE!! Let me feel these feelings and let me deal with them as a Human Being. Let me follow my heart.

But my heart is dehydrated from lack of physical touch. Because it is all connected. So my brain is the one thing now that I need to rely on.
Brain, are you in there?? Barely. Well, could you please regulate stuff and turn off the mind for a minute so that we can think? Okay, what's up? Well, I think that the lists above are enlightening and I will want to refer back to them soon, can you please remember these things even when emotions rise? I'll try.

I guess I need some help and I'm not getting it from my partner. I guess that really hurts my feelings, but I shouldn't be so disappointed, it's not like this is his full-time job.

I've rambled enough for today, I hope. I always feel better after typing it out stream-of-conscious style, but it is still a big old clusterfuck in my mind grapes.

what had happened was.... ~ ....what comes next?