Just read through the entry from when helena was a freshmen and justen hadn't started his guide business yet and was fishing all the time to get hours. I was going to apply for the transition program and hoping that when I got in that Justen would pull his weight with the house and cooking, Helena was a freshman. Cirrus was still after Gods heart and going to church and group and was living with belle. AMelia was 7 and on her phone all the time already.
Lets see, update from that time period. Helena is a senior. I got my natural girl back. She was going through a rough time of self harm and self doubt in the confidence area that I didn't know about. She had serious suicidal ideation and was very lost. She was being groomed by an older guy we didn't know about until i combed through her phone and she told me a lot that wasn't on the phone. That was what was behind the new look of clothes she was buying. The short skirts and fishnet stockings and the like. Now she is to my knowledge, on a good path. Greath path? dating her boyfriend Isiah. Thats another entry on its own, but I like him. Like them together. He has brought a sweetness to her she had lost. I don't know what she's planning to do after HS is over this year. She has mentioned several things, and I don't have money for her college so I'm scared. I don't know how I can help her be successful. I feel like a school failure.
I got into the LVN transition program and had so much support and help to start and had scholarships secured and had my student loans set to pay for my semesters and then I failed my dosage exam by 1 question. So that made my entire school life unravel and go to hell in a handbasket. I had to withdraw, which made my loan go away, (even though I was supposed to return the next semester), lost my scholarship, and in order to return had to pay the remainder of the semester cost before I could even register. That came to $1000, and I had lost my scholarship and loan so then I had to come up with the amount of the next two semesters out of pocket or take a personal loan out. It was such a dark hard time for me. Is a dark time??
I feel like a total failure piece of shit. All those people who gave me donations to help me get my first semester of expenses paid for school must feel like that was a waste. I don't blame them really. I can't not work because Justen doesn't bring in enough. I make too much to not work and it isn't cohesive for school full time and clinicals. Weakness. I am just too weak to work fulltime and school fulltime. People in my program did it. Not many but a few. and they did fine. And if I hadn't fucked up my dosage exam i likely would have found a way. Maybe that was His way of saying. NO. This isn't it for you. This isn't what I want you to do. Or thats what I tell myself so I don't murder myself. But when I was IN the program, I was miserable. I had a lot of mornings on the way to the school that I contemplated swerving into oncoming traffic. I would cry and sob. I felt like every assignment, every exam was my next downfall. Depression hit hard. I had only lost my mom a year before and I did and do miss her TREMENDOUSLY.
My cirrus doesn't have a relationship with God right now, said its hard to have one when she didn't have a good example of what a father is supposed to be like because of her earthly fathers downfalls. I have a lot of thoughts about that. I don't get the correlation. One is human flesh that is imperfect, and another is perfect and literally died for her. Me. Us. She is going through it big time right now. I have absolute faith that she will come out of this. That she will grow up and look up and see He's there. Always. I'm going to always be there. She is my baby. Don't care. She will be my baby when she's 60. Omg, to see her at 60. I will be 82. Makes me teary eyed. God she is beautiful. at every weight she has ever been or will be she will be majestic. Is majestic. I miss her. I see her more lately than I did, but its not enough. In my ideal world I would see her several times a week and get to eat with her and talk to her and love on her and go places with her and get to listen to her thoughts and feelings. Maybe another time in life I will. We will. She does text me and pour out her heart and troubles. a few times a year. But I feel honored that she would tell me anything.
Helena seemingly tells me all the things but I've learned that she has a self I don't know. A self that is existing outside of what she shows and tells and reveals to me. A self that shocks and may scare me. Based on her other years of hiding things I have thoughts about what it could be now. Is she sleeping with her boyfriend? Are they careful? Is she ok? Has that changed how she feels about herself?
I remember when I was in HS and had several boyfriends. Didn't sleep with them, but I did everything else. I showered with one of them at my house when my mom was at work. Junior year I think? did other things with him for the first time. Even looking back on it now, I don't regret it. He was so loving and sweet. Non pressuring. It felt like what you see in the movies. I did adore him. I wish I had lost my virginity to him instead of to my boyfriend John. I would likely have enjoyed it instead of feeling like, THATS IT?? Good ness. I still feel that way the majority of the time. I felt cherished with the one boyfriend in HS and then the other boyfriend who was 5 years older than me. I had already moved out and was willing to sleep with him but he said no. He didn't feel like he was worthy of it. He dedicated sweet child of mine to me and I remember thinking, omg. That is the sweetest thing ever. In reality he wasn't committed to me and i am glad I didnt sleep with him. But he was good for the time period i was in.
Anyway, I have my amelia too. She is still always wanting to spend time with me and have me do stuff with her and play outside. She is breaching the pull away years. I need some more glue to slather onto our relationship.
I had a scolding breaking point the other night and I wondered how much I had just contributed to her future self being damaged and hating me. Like Cirrus. Am I creating in Amelia the seeds for her loathing me in the future? Or just being indifferent to me? Cirrus loves me. I know that. She says that. But I also know that if I were to cease to be here. That she would mourn the least. And maybe thats ok. It is ok. I don't want to be the reason she is sad. I already am really. If I had left her dad. Raised her by myself. Moved back to austin and been with my sister and my nephews and my best friends, would she be better today? Less harshness from him, more from me because I would have been a shitty single mother? Or I could have been amazing. IDK. But I didn't and haven't and had her sisters and didn't protect her from the harsh upbringing. For all the apologies I gave, I didn't actually keep her from being wounded and harmed. Words are just knives of varying sizes. If you read this cirrus, I am sorry truly.
I need to write more consistently. Its cathartic for my older self more so than when I was younger. Although I know I felt just as unimportant then as I do now.
11:15 am - Sunday, Sept. 24, 2023
Recent entries:
Matters of the harsh realities - Sunday, Sept. 24, 2023
Chance to change... - Friday, Sept. 22, 2023
Update on the peeps - Saturday, Jan. 08, 2022
Cluttered but clean... - Saturday, Jan. 08, 2022
Airing grievances - Monday, Nov. 23, 2020
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
cloudy-night
loveherwell