Untraditional Thanksgiving � Friday, Nov. 28, 2008 - 3:16 am
This Thanksgiving was not a traditional one in my life. For the first time, my mom, brother and I spent the afternoon and evening at my fiance's parents house with my fiance's family. They have a big, loud, partly Italian family, so compared to our quaint gatherings of three, it was quite a change.
I've met most of the people in Fiance's family several times, but Mom has only met them once, maybe twice and Brother has only met them once before briefly. The group can be somewhat an intimidating one, as many are from New York and have that New York hardness and frankness about them. I've mentioned on these pages before that I'm not at all a social butterfly, never have been, and am actually pretty shy. So I know all about the group's intimidation factor and how overwhelming the group's personalities can be all at once. Just as shy as I am, my mom and brother have become the same way. (Side note: I don't think I noticed until about six or seven years ago how shy my brother and mom are. I don't remember them -- especially Mom --being shy when i was younger, but I guess perceptions and times change.) Consequently, as new and different and differnt as the situation could be in a good way, it was equally the same in an anxiety-producing way.
For the past few years, my brother has not been able to catch a good break in life. As a result of work and financial circumstances, my brother's social life is reliably inactive these days. He calls me often to chat, but he lives a good hour or so away, making get togethers difficult at times. My brother is only two years older than I, so it's saddened me often to see how lonely my brother's life has become. Therefore I was excited to see that he would be around new people today, several of whom are around his age. But I was also anxious for him as I know what I feel in new social situations so could easily understand what he might be feeling.
No lying, I actually was so anxious for the day on my brother's and mom's behalf that I had a hard time trying to sleep the past few nights.
The thing is, these are two incredibly important people in my life, responsible for very big influences in my upbringing. Seeing them lonely is one thing, a difficult thing, but knowing what it's like to be in the discomfort zone is still very similar.
I worry about the impressions they make. Not because I am embarrassed by either of them and not because I think either of them make bad impressions. In fact, both Mom and Brother make very good impressions. But I worry how they will interpret their impressions. I've been there before: maybe you say or do something that you thought was stupid or unflattering and you replay that over and over in your mind until it's blown up to this gigantic thing and then you think you neither left a good imression, nor will those people ever want to see you again so you snuggle back into your hermit shell. And I don't want that to happen.
I want to see them happy. I want them to feel fulfilled. I know that feeling an inadequacy that can be interpreted by lack of companionship and close friends is blocking joy from being present in their lives. I want them to feel they are important, want them to know they are. And right now I don't think they believe they are. They see this emptiness in their lives and point to that as veritable proof that they are not worthy. And that saddens me tremendously. Because, like I said, these two people are cornerstones of my life and mean so much to me.
I hope they had fun tonight. I hope they realize the other people they met seemed to enjoy their company. I hope the group of people tonight understands how important Mom and Brother are, how wonderful they are. Surely I do.
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