starrymaze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- touch me man its been quite some time since i've jotted any thoughts down. guess thats a good thing. anyway, so. yeah, thoughts still lurk where they're not supposed to. guess thats the reason they stay there, down in the dark. i feel so alone still, yet i'm married now. its just something i have not yet been able to tangle and wrestle with. take the tiger down. today, i feel like going out on a million mile road trip. nothing but rooster booster, toilet paper, and some fucking great tori amos to sing along to. watch the sunrise change the sky and colors, the stars fade, and cities come to life with cars running around like little red ants. hmm...busy little ants. some purpose to complete their daily chores. i love my husband, he's a great man, but i know he's capable of better. i just dont know. sometimes he just isnt all that. yes, he's human, and so am i...i have my faults too, but i love him and i'm not afraid to love him. he refuses to love me. it feels as if hes pushing me away from him. constantly at times. no love. no long passionate kisses. no touch. i guess that is the main thing that drives me BATTY! no human touch. that is one thing that i crave the most as a damn human, and the thing i get the least. i just want him to love me physically while he's still here. his wrists hurt...well whos fault is that? a wife needs to be loved. a woman needs to be loved...its been such a long time. and even oral sex too. i give him head now and then, but...its getting to the point where i think, i do this for him, what about me? and its selfish to think that, but i just cant help it. i feel so fucking unattractive to him and actually look for people (men in particular) to see if they glance at me. thats the only way i feel attractive is if some strange nasty old man looks at me. is that so wrong? to want to feel attractive and loved? i mean i know he loves me, i know that. but he just doesnt show me, physically. i feel hideous that he doesnt pleasure me orally, or touch me. i've lost all this weight so i'm not so chubby or whatever anymore, and yet he still has not even tried to touch me. to hell with it. 4:36 am - April 29, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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