2004-12-09 - 5:34 a.m.
Since it's the holidays and all, at work they insert shitty Christmas songs into the regular mix of Natalie Merchant, Billy Joel and Phil Collins songs, and boy oh boy am I ready for that shit to go ahead and END. Jesus, I hate Christmas music. And because there's only like a dozen of them, we have to hear those same dozen songs repeated over and over by different artists. Great. Here's a rundown:
"Rockin Around The Christmas Tree"
--Easily the worst goddamn one of the entire rotten bunch. I hate the stupid woman's stupid little-girl-with-a-bad-case-of-congestion singing voice, and I hate the phrase "at the Christmas party hop." The 1950s tries to be cool and fails. Miserably.
"Jingle Bell Rock"
--"Giddy-up jingle-horse pick up your feet": what the flying fuck?
"The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"
--Braxton, from work, really likes this song. He also bought a Brandy CD, right in front of my eyes.
"Frosty The Snowman"
--I don't remember if Frosty dies at the end or not. If he does, it would be appropriately Christ-like. Reminds me of the Rankin-Bass cartoon, which I don't really remember, oddly enough.
"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"
"Holly Jolly Christmas"
--Why don't they just play Red Red Meat's covers of "There's Always Tomorrow" and "Silver And Gold" (both from the same claymation Rudolph film of our childhoods that the two above songs also come from)? Oh yeah; because Red Red Meat kick fucking ass, and these songs do not. Though I will give it up to Burl Ives. Burl Ives like a mofo.
"Silver Bells"
--I actually like this one. Always have. It's got a really pretty melody, and that line "it's Christmastime in the city" has always made me think of New York during Christmas in the 1940s, two places I have never actually been.
"The Christmas Song"
--"How many cliches about Christmas can we cram into one song? All of them? Okay, then, let's stuff this turkey!"
"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"
--The Silver Jews asked "Are you honest when no one's looking?", and it seems that this song screams out no no no with its every sour note.
"White Christmas"
--This was, like, the most popular song ever of all time in the history of anything for about a thousand years. It's not so bad. Der Bingle had an amazing, cello-like tone to his voice. When he wasn't beating his children, that is. Then he had a hectoring, crazed sort of laugh as he brandished the coat hanger or the doubled-over belt.
"Walking In A Winter Wonderland"
--The only thing I like about this song is, in the loving couple's reply to the snowman they're temporarily envisioning is Parson Brown, they imply that they're living in sin, and quite happy with it, thank you. Not terribly Christian, if you ask me.
"I'll Be Home For Christmas"
--Was a very bad movie starring Johnathan Taylor Thomas.
