June 13, 2004 At 11:58 a.m.

KingPin

Last nightMoxee and two friends of ours hit the lanes for three games of most-excellent bowling. If you haven't played the game since your 8 year old birthday party you have to grab a few friends and get out there. Everytime we go we have a FUCKING BLAST. My high score last night was about a 69 but really when you goof around as much as I do you can't really expect to bowl a good score.

June 12, 2004 At 9:15 a.m.

Conservative_Panties

This Guy came to the door last night and promply wet his pants when he got a look at puffy-back danger dog. His words exactly:

"Does your dog bite?"

I say, "nope, but I wouldn't get too close, it doesn't appear that he's very happy to see you!"

"I'm Logan..",

"Um.. I'd better shut the door, it doesn't seem like he is going to calm down, he looks a little unhappy" (Dog hasn't stopped barking through this whole exchange)

"Can I at least give you a brochure?"

"Of course you can, can I get you a change of panties?"

Well I added that last line but you all get the point. Open message to other Conservative and Liberal candidates- stay away from Danger Dog, he is politically green.

June 11, 2004 At 3:15 p.m.

Reflections

It�s fitting that I am on a �The Calling� fix today as all I can think about is a phone call I received two years ago on this date. It�s the phone call none of us ever wants to get but all of us know it�s a matter of time until we do.

I can�t help remembering this date two years ago. Remembering the helpless feelings hanging on the phone trying to understand exactly what�s being said at the other end. Trying to grasp at anything to make sense of what was happening to my family. Zooming through years of memories all at once, trying to hold onto all of them so they don�t escape, so they�re not lost forever. Scrambling to make plans to get home as soon as possible. Dreading being there, dreading 1000 times more I won�t make it in time. Twelve hours in the car, twelve continuous hours with nothing to do but reflect on everything you wish you had said, everything you wish you could take back. The longest drive I will ever make.

I�ve been thinking about writing this post all morning. How can I put into words what this week in my life feel likes? Look into a hole, a hole with no bottom, no light, and no sound. Put your head up the hole, just your head, and sit there for a while. Sense how empty it seems, how one could really get lost in a place like this. Only your head goes in the hole- that�s very important. Parts of your body can still feel the wind; still sense the warmth of the sun. But for a long time your head knows nothing but what the hole will allow. Slowly now, and by slowly I mean a snail�s pace; begin to leave the hole. Pull away from the emptiness; sense there is so much more than what you saw in the hole, so much more to experience in your world.

That�s where I am at right now with my grieving process (if you can call it a process). I read somewhere or someone told me that there is no right or wrong way to grieve loss- there is only your way!

My grieving is far from over, but I am learning now what I need to do to live in the feelings of despair, the feeling that nothing really matters because we are all going to die one day anyways. Why bother? How many times in the past two years have I asked myself that? �Why even bother?� � countless times! Just last week I had those feelings, those exact words crossed my mind. They will again! We are an amazing species, we can adapt to all sorts of stresses, all sorts of tragic events. Each time we do, we learn something new; learn a skill set we can use the next time we are faced with the same situation, or a situation with a similar scope. Why Bother? Because to bother is what we do as living souls, what we do to pass on our knowledge to others, to enjoy the warmth of the sunshine on our faces while we watch a ball bound off the Bob�s sign. That�s why we bother.

Ok enough of that. I wasn�t going to write about this week on here because as I�ve said in an earlier post these emotions feel very personal this year. I had to acknowledge this week though, if only to explain what is happening in TheMutt�s head at this time. I also know some other people that may be experiencing similar feelings as a result of this time of year and I wanted to make sure they know they are not alone in those feelings.

Life has a funny way of providing us with experiences (even in death) to help us live as well as we possibly can. If I can use the experience of loosing a parent to be a better person, to live a better life, then I will do just that. Hug your family today, wave to your neighbour, give yourself some time to reflect on your importance in your universe! Love your Mutt!

June 10, 2004 At 7:59 p.m.

CallMePlease

Mobile? You bet your ass I am. This year has been one for TheMutt to stay connected while away from the house and office. You all know I bought a notebook computer last winter and since this past weekend I jumped on the cool kid band-wagon and signed on with a mobile phone company as well. So now I can get absolutely no phone calls from downtown too! GOTTALOVE technology.

Can't figure out how to use the damn thing but at least I look cool now!

June 09, 2004 At 8:44 p.m.

BobsSign

The greatest thing about visiting a place you really love is when you hear about it later you have an image of that place stored away and you can put yourself in the location no matter where in the world you�re sitting at the moment. I think this is why I love to listen to baseball games on the radio more so than watching them on the TV. My Sox are having a tough time at it tonight but I couldn�t be more content sitting at my kitchen table as evening slowly grows darker and my lids get slightly heavier. There�s a good chance the expression, �and it�s off the Bob�s sign� means nothing to most of you, but for me it delivers me to Fenway Park, seated on the first base side about halfway up the box seats. I can smell the park, I can feel the warmth of the sun slowly cooling in the late evening as 35,000 other Fenway-faithfuls watch the Sox go down yet another run as the ball bounces around left field, some 340 feet from home plate� The great thing about the radio broadcasts is that you can actually hear the fans in the background. The radio puts me right there- and there is where I could spend a lifetime. If I were to win a lottery I would spend my summers following the team from city to city, I would be a Red Sox groupie.

June 08, 2004 At 12:35 p.m.

Nooner

Wireless I love ya. I finally ranged over to the big building with all those books on campus and set up my wireless account so I can update this damn mess outside of home and the tiny white walled room they call my place of work. Now I can cruise the porno from my borrowed carrel on the third floor in this building I rarely saw as an undergraduate student...seriously though... cruise, porno and carrel are fun words in a sentence dontyathink.

So a certain hockey team lost the last game of a certain championship round late last night and although the lead up to this final hockey event was filled with hope and excitement all I really can say is IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME HOCKEY IS OVER, NOW I CAN ACTUALLY SEE THE BASEBALL HIGHLIGHTS ON ALL MY SPORT CHANNELS!

I might be the only Canadian born boy to not really like the game of hockey- oh I will watch it, yes I will if there are gurls involved in watching it with me. You see all my motivation in life comes from the pretties and their boobies. I will do anything for a chance to hang with a nice set- hmmm where is this blog leading today... ahright, back to hockey. I played the game when I was a wee lad but really hated the skating drills and only ever wanted to play games. I didn't develop as quickly as some of the other guys in my league when it came to putting one skate in front of the other so I quickly grew to dislike the sport. Baseball on the other hand came (and comes) very naturally to me so I excelled at a fairly good pace. Sometimes I think I should have been born in California, what with the amazing great looks, the blonde hair and blue eyes, and a flair for all sports american. How has Hollywood surived without me?

June 07, 2004 At 10:00 p.m.

Super_Hero_Super_Fun

I have a lot to talk about tonight although I doubt I�ll get it out, as I tend to grow bored of writing very quickly. Some people I know really enjoy writing and seem to have a great talent for it. I on the other hand have never really liked to write and I don�t really know all the grammar rules so I am very sloppy. My 20th Century English professor in 2nd year actually told me my writing style was intolerable. The first essay I wrote him came back with more red marks than actual typed words- he even changed my title.

Work has been going really well lately. I am in my 4th year of this job and I finally feel like I have the knowledge and skill level to really excel. My confidence is really high at the office right now and work is more fun than it�s ever been. I switched offices last week to a larger office with an outside window. Some of the private offices in our office do not have windows at all. I had such an office until last week. It�s so nice being able to see what the weather is doing, to get some real light on my face I am I working way. Funny thing happened when I moved in on Friday. The woman in the office next to me is in her late 50�s. As I was moving my stuff over she came by to say hi. We were chatting with another co-worker who also has an office close to my new one and she says �looks like the neighbourhood is getting much better looking�. Oh my god it was so funny I nearly peed myself laughing. My office is full of women and the few of us boys really need to be careful in our conversations as some of the women really look for inappropriate comments. It was just very refreshing to have someone throw the rules out and speak her mind. Plus it was a nice compliment to boot.

We had a Super Hero party on Saturday that was totally fun and as always, out of control. The Super Hero costumes were wonderful and everyone there was totally fun! I always have a fear when I have a party that no body will show up. That actually happened to me once and let me tell you it is no fun at all. So I was really excited to have a good core group attend this weekend and look forward to hosting another soon.

Much more to write about but I�ve grown tired of this and the baseball stats need to be reviewed before I head to bed. Peace out folks

June 06, 2004 At 7:08 p.m.

-

This weekend is tough for me as it is the anniversary weekend of one of the last times I had a true conversation with my mom before she died. I didn�t see my mom all that much once I left for the coast, didn�t call as often as I should have, didn�t tell her I loved her enough and didn�t ever imagine she would be taken from us as soon and as quickly as she was. We didn�t have a lot of time to prepare for her death. This past year has been an interesting transition for me; it�s been harder dealing with my mom being gone than it was the first year. I just wanted to write here to let my family know that I am thinking of them right now.

June 02, 2004 At 3:48 p.m.

New_Look

Yes, it is finally beginning to look like I want it. I am slowly learning how to write some form of "Mutty" code and fooling around a little with photoshop has been fun as well.

Honestly, fooling around with the layout is much more fun to me than actually writing in the damn journal. I think my biggest problem is that I have a poor vocabulary and I have extreme difficulty when trying to put my thoughts into words. There is a good chance I have some form of LD but have never been tested in any way. I thought about going for tests last year but in this late stage of my life what really would I learn? Any thoughts on this? Of course there is no longer any comment field so keep your effin thoughts to yourself! I think I will probably download a speach typing program to use when adding posts to my journal and see if it makes a difference here. I usually have no problem coming up with a good entry in my mind, its just getting those words in typed form that I seem to be blocked on.

Another thing I will be working on more often is documenting the day-to-day things that happen in my life. This process is also a little challenging as I have some insecuritiy issues that prevent me from really talking about myself. Feelings of "why would you really want to know this stuff about my life" creep into my head whenever I am asked personal questions. Those of you who have had one-on-one time with me lately would have noticed you did a lot of talking about yourself and I did most of the listening. Strange how good I've become at deflecting questions onto someone else.

"If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words."

June 01, 2004 At 8:26 p.m.

Rambling_Tonight

I today at home as I wasn't feeling so hot in the mental department and I don't think I could handle some of the people I work with. June is a tough month for me as it was the month we lost my mom two years ago. Lately I haven't written about her dying as I am don't really want to share the feelings associated with her death anymore. For a long time I really needed to let people know how I was feeling, lately those thoughts and emotions seem too private to let people in on. So I am a little gloomy today.

I've been thinking a lot about connections in the past few days. I went out with a friend of mine this weekend that I haven't connected with in a very long time. We were once the best of friend but slowly that friendship seemed to evaporate. We started doing different things, started in new jobs, took up new and different hobbies. I think we also started to get bored of each of to the point where each of us was annoyed with each other. As we were out on Sat. I couldn't help but think that it just isn't the same as it used to be and that I am not really a big fan of him. We still had a good time, went to a club, drank some beers, met a few good looking girls and even got invited to a house party after closing (never happens to TheMutt), but it just wasn't like it used to be. I've been thinking it's maybe ok that it isn't how it used to be, we've both grown, both gone in different directions, and maybe grown apart. It is like our lives now don't really match each other the way they did years before. I feel a little sad about this but also confident that our departure from a good friendship wasn't something one of us did or didn't do- sometimes friends just drift apart. This weekend was a good learning experience for me (in more ways than one but we won't go into that yet).

The other thing I've been thinking a lot about in the past few days is my relationship with Mox and our agreement on how we are in it. Things are going very beautifully between the two of us and since I've started to explore we both have been able to experience a little of the same feelings in it. It's nice to get a good sense that we've made the correct decision for us. I seem to be a little more closed in the discussion part of our arrangement though, as if you read our blogs at all you'll know I rarely write of it where she seems to have a lot to say. I think I am just generally less of a "talker" when it comes to personal experiences and more of a "listener", I'm not exactly sure what all that means though. Jess, can you say ramble?

Anyways, things over-all are going great with TheMutt. I have a good dose of confidence right now and I am feeling better than ever about a bunch of life situations. Hope all is well with all of you.

May 31, 2004 At 4:50 p.m.

New_Code

again I am testing a new layout, man I suck so much when it comes to writing code- actually the true problem lays in the fact that I am writing code and using a visual layout building in dreamweaver. It's not working all that well for me.

May 28, 2004 At 8:30 a.m.

Oh_I'm_Wet_Again

Does it never stop raining in this city?

May 27, 2004 At 1:08 p.m.

Old_and_Young

I am currently sitting in the hotel bar in Vancouver watching a great mix of people who's ages are opposite on the spectrum. This hotel seems to be a favourite place to stay in Vancouver for the elderly traveller. The lobby is full of grey and blue haired people. Those make up one side of the spectrum. The other side is full of Huggie Baby wanna-be's as this hotel is hosting a call-back session for the diaper company's commercials- little kiddies everywhere. And of course there's The Mutt dressed in a button up shirt and tie sitting with his laptop computer not fitting into the crowd at all.

Last night I met Rasp. for a quick dinner at a great little place. The converstaion was very relaxed and quite fun- it's so nice to know someone in the towns I visit so I don't have to eat alone or spend all night in the hotel room. Just before dinner I walked around the main shopping street a bit and strangely enough had a feeling that I actually wouldn't mind moving to big city as they seem to have a lot more energy than my hometown. I love where I live but at times I feel it is much too small and sleepy for how I want to live my life. I keep coming back to thoughts of moving lately and won't be surprise if those thoughts materialize sometime in the next 5 years or so. I know 5 years seems like a long time but when one considers the major life changing choices of selling a home, finding a new suitable job (not an easy task with an Arts degree), buying or renting a new home and all the other admin/business activities that happen when changing cities-maybe countries as well, as I keep looking at all the opportunities in the States. It is really very daunting but also exciting- my head starts to roll-

Oh the Mox just showed up- funny she's in this same big city...gotta go...

May 25, 2004 At 9:42 p.m.

Maria

Step out the front door like a ghost

Into the fog where no one notices

The contrast of white on white.

And in between the moon and you

Angels get a better view

Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.

I walk in the air between the rain,

Through myself and back again.

Where? I don't know

May 25, 2004 At 8:01 a.m.

Men

I received this email from my father in law yesterday and had to share it with you (yes you, the one person reading this...) At face value it is rather funny and some points are very true. The reason I post it here today is really because of who it came from. I really enjoy Mox's dad and for him to send this my way for some reason just cracks me up. He usually seems very professional so this email was a little out of character (or out of character as I see him which I am sure is completely different from what he actually is like). The list is cheesy I know, and also not great on the political correctness scale but WTF this is my space and I can use it any way I like.

Why Men Are Happier

Why Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple creatures?

�Your last name stays put.

�The garage is all yours.

�Wedding plans take care of themselves.

�Chocolate is just another snack.

�You can be president.

�You can never be pregnant.

�You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

�You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

�Car mechanics tell you the truth.

�The world is your urinal.

�You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

�You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

�Same work, more pay.

�Wrinkles add character.

�Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental $100.

�People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

�The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

�New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

�One mood -- all the time.

�Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

�You know stuff about tanks.

�A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

�You can open all your own jars.

�You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

�If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

�Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

�Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

�You almost never have strap problems in public.

�You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

�Everything on your face stays its original color.

�The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

�You only have to shave your face and neck.

�You can play with toys all your life.

�Your belly usually hides your big hips.

�One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

�You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

�You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

�You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

�You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 5 minutes.

No wonder men are happier

May 20, 2004 At 1:37 p.m.

FoxSports

I have a minute or two of free time in between conference sessions and I wanted to update you all on last night's baseball game at Safeco Field.

It is really a strange experince watching yourself on national television. As you see in the picture above, I was able to "upgrade" my seats from the nose-bleeds to a seat in the front row in Right Field. My seat was next to the field rail so there wasn't anyone between me and the game. I'm watching the re-play of the game shown on FoxSport right now and any time they show first base from across the field the camera is looking right at me- I'm the good looking bald dude in the blue shirt with the white stripe down the sleaves. How did I get the upgrade? As I said in a previous post, free things come to those who ask. Last night's game wasn't a sellout- actually only about 20,000 people attended the game. So I moved into a seat closer to the field and an unsher came by and after chatting with him for a couple seconds he suggested I move a little closer and led me down to the front row. Man O'Man what a blast. I also caught a batting practise ball last night- my 5 major league BP ball in about 8 games. It was very fun!

May 19, 2004 At 11:12 a.m.

Birthday

Happy Birthday DaisyBlues

May 18, 2004 At 11:31 p.m.

SaaaWeeet

A quick update from Seattle.

I just got back from a night at the ball park with 25,000 of my closest friends. The game was great- I bought a cheap ticket and stood in the center field pinic area where there isn't anything between you and the center field fence- I could actually touch the fence.

I met a cool guy from Balitmore who was with two very attractive older women- Mutty likes the cougars. By the time the game was nearly over one of the older women was very drunk and quite funny- it was very entertaining.

The other cool thing! Watch the sports highlights tomorrow folks as there is a great chance TheMutt will be on TV. There was an amazing catch made about 20 feet from where I was standing, they showed it on the big screen at the park but it went too quickly to see if I actually made it into the screen- The catch was made about 5 people from where I was standing so I they had the camera pulled back wide enough I'll be in the screen- very cool!

All for now, I've got to hit the hay, tis been a long day at the park.

May 18, 2004 At 7:05 a.m.

Wussy

I've been sitting here all morning trying to remember the term Mox used to describe someone not so "tough", it is similar to "wussy" but has a little more edge to it. The reason I am racking my brain this morning? The word is a perfect description on how I feel my blog layout looks. This mess looks like it was designed by a 12 year old girl- be prepared for a new layout, something completely edgy and MANLY!

Mox. when you get home remind me of the word please.

May 17, 2004 At 12:55 p.m.

SunnyMonday

Five minutes left for my lunch break so I thought I'd leave a quickie as I am heading to Seattle tomorrow and am not sure I will be able to update once there- at times the hotel has a connection to the net, sometimes it doesn't- this one "claims" to have highspeed in the rooms but I've heard that before.

I love my place of work- not the actual job but where it is in the city and how its set up. This place is like a city park, grass, trees, benches, water ponds all over the place. Lunch is great here as I usually head outside an sit by one of the ponds. Summer has come to my small town and the women are sporting their little summer outfits, halter tops (do people still call them that), short skirts and short shorts- It's lovely, truely lovely! Of course I wouldn't look at these girls as they are exactly that!

Strange connection from my post the other day. It turns out someone I work with is friends with the man that was run-down outside our place on Friday night. She was with him at the bar earlier that night and hugged him goodbye shortly before he left in the taxi- it turns out he is a regular "bar rat" where she hangs out and takes a taxi home everytime he's out so he doesn't drink and drive (it's been confirmed the guy hit him was drinking). This whole thing is just so surreal, him being hit outside our door and him being a friend of a women who's office is next to mine at work- this town is just too small.

So tomorrow I am off to the big city of Seattle for a conference and a little fun at the ball yard. If I ever leave this city it will have to be for a city that has a major league baseball team. I've been thinking a lot lately at what really fires me up- I've been asked a few times in the last month what I do when I'm not working- the answer really has been "watch baseball, listen to baseball games on the radio, read about baseball, think about baseball" hmmm, I might have a little baseball addiction, what do you think? At lunch I was thinking about what I would do if I didn't have the job I had- or what I would do if someone offered me any job I wanted. The answer would be something baseball related- maybe a management position for a major league team- maybe a player agent, or maybe the travelling manager- this position is the person that arranges all the travel plans for the players/team when they're on the road- tough job but fun I bet.

Maybe I should just move to Boston and sell Fenway Franks:

"Haaaaatdaaaaag Heeeerrrreeeee, Gaaat yhhooooor Haaaatdaaaag Heeereeee"

May 15, 2004 At 5:02 p.m.

Too_Close

I've been waiting all day before updating today's entry because of something that happened outside my house late last night.

Mox and I played cards at a friend's house last night and got back home at about 1am. Shortly after we settled in, (about 15 minutes) we both heard a crash near the street and I remember saying to Mox "oh, now that didn't sound very good". Shortly after, we heard sirens on the way, which happened to stop outside our door. Being a curious neighbour I went out in my stocking feet to see what was up and saw something I haven�t been able to get out of my head since.

About a block from our home a 63-year-old man, while crossing our street, was struck by a car. The man had just gotten out of a taxi and was heading to his house (he was actually hit right next to his house). The driver of the car fled the scene and abandoned the car in a mall parking lot about 3 blocks away. The man suffered two broken legs and is in critical condition in the local hospital. The 21 year-old-driver eventually turned him self into the local authorities. The surreal thing about all of this is that it happened in our street next to our house. I fell asleep with flashing police car lights on the ceiling of our bedroom as the road was blocked off for the remainder of the night.

Mox said it all just before we went to sleep when she said, � the worst thing about all of this is that somewhere in the city someone just was woken up with a phone call informing them that their loved one has been in an accident and is seriously injured�. How quickly can one�s life take a turn for the worst? This man was doing nothing more than walking across his street (his house in site), now he is faced with a life-changing, if not life-ending situation. The driver of the car, just 21 years old, will now go through the rest of his days with the knowledge that his actions/choices may have ended the life of, or seriously injured, another human being. The news report did not mention whether alcohol was a factor or not, but one assumes if the driver fled the scene it may have been. What if Mox and I were delayed 15 minutes at our friend�s house? We would have been in the exact spot at the exact time- or would have ridden into the spot(we were on our bikes) seconds after the accident happened- would have seen the man get hit and seen the young driver leave the scene? What strange questions to fall asleep with. The last thing I remember thinking before I feel alseep was how strange it was that we were just going to carry-on our day to day lives (by falling asleep) when not 50 yards from our bed a person's life was either seriously changed or quickly slipping away. Wow!

Yesterday's or Tomorrow's