Reflection

24.11.04 @ 18:49
You Name It

Today is shit. I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear. *idea* my room... my dark little hole. I have a feeling that most, if not all, of my vacation (the rest of it, anyway) is spent in my room... doing... absolutly nothing. It's not like I didn't accomplish anything. I did finish cleaning my room. I happen to think it looks better messy. But that's only when I'm the only one in it. It suits me well that way. Now I have too much... room... and I can see more of my hideous, pink carpet. But it's crowded with me and the mess and my guests (the guests I don't have and don't plan on having this week/weekend). I don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm about thisclose to saying to hell with a lot of things. I really don't want to... but I feel like I'm not far from reaching the point where it'll just be time for me to get away from it. Some things though... a couple things... are the only things keeping me sane right now. The others... I'm tired of all the crap that some people are giving me. It's pushing me closer and closer to the edge and, frankly, I'd prefer not to have an "episode" if I can help it. I just want to make it through the next few years... that's all I want.
I'm failing again. I'm failing my senior year. I'd be okay if it were a full year course or what ever... but it's semester class bullshit. I'm failing miserably, and I really don't give a flying rat's donkey. What's the worst that could happen? I might retain a little more information from high school. I might raise my GPA a little. I might enrich my life with a few more fine arts credits. I really just don't care anymore. I'm gonna graduate one way or another. Who cares whether it's sooner or later? I really don't. I'm not in a rush or anything. It's not like college where every little second costs you something. College will be much different for me. I think I need to wait before diving head first into that though. Right now, I really want to take a crash course in being on my own. I'll be getting my truck by summer (if my parents keep their promise), I want to have a job by then. If not, I'm going to see about living with my uncle over the summer. That way I can get a real job in the city and not have to waste a bunch of gas driving back and forth. Assuming I have to go back to school next year, I'll move back to my house and get that out of the way. Then I'm gonna live between my 'rent's place and my uncle's for a while. After I find a steady job and a descent place to stay... I'll be heading out on my own. Hopefully not all by myself... but taking care of myself without too much help from my 'rents. I know I can't do it all by myself, but that won't stop me from trying to get as close to that as possible. My goal is to be able to be completely independant by my 21st b-day. Like I said, I don't want to be all by myself. But I do want to know that I could be if I had to.
Eh... I haven't eaten anything all day... I'm hungry. Therefore, I am done writing for now.

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Older Entries
You Name It - 24.11.04
The Warm Weather Made Me Nauseous - 23.11.04
When You're Upside Down - 22.11.04
Attitude - 22.11.04
Body Mod and Future Thought Stoof - 20.11.04