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This is how it works..
...written on Thursday, Jan. 15, 2009, @ 10:57 p.m.
me: weren't you going to bed like agesssss ago?
Scott: hold on I'll explain in one bit
Sent at 6:56 PM on Thursday
Scott: guh....dieing
me: seems like it
what's going on
Sent at 7:05 PM on Thursday
Scott: you know that i like you
but I need to keep myself from falling
me: .. emphasis would be appreciated..
Sent at 7:09 PM on Thursday
Scott: i am so scared of loving you
yet I am torn
I know i love who you are
me: i'm just gonna let you talk until i can come up with a statement before a question
Scott: but loving 'you' is much different and dangerous
Sent at 7:12 PM on Thursday
me: why's that
Sent at 7:13 PM on Thursday
Scott: !J!JRK!#KR!#KR!#KRJ
fuck!
me: hey you.. chilllllll
stop second-guessing yourself
just enter it, i'm curious as to your thought process anyway
so why
Scott: ok
so if it was all about the sex in the beginning was that wrong
me: it was unfair, especially in the way you went about it
like if it was just a sex thing, you shouldn't of wanted to hang out with me for entire weekends, or take me to breakfast
but then again, i mean, i figured as much
the only thing 'wrong' about it, was that you didn't make it clear to me where we stood
Scott: ok i agree with you on that one
but can you forgive me
wait
Sent at 7:20 PM on Thursday
Scott: no k... can you say that
me: what that i forgive you?
Scott: wait
Sent at 7:22 PM on Thursday
Scott: I know I've already made such mistakes with you, ones that could compromise our relationship...I need to know that if I can be forgiven for any mistakes before moving forward. Forgive me
me: something you should know about me (that i've already told you).. i don't hold on to resentment, i take things personally instead.. so of course
Scott: for all past mistakes to date
me: I forgive you. but nothing goes without exchange
Sent at 7:27 PM on Thursday
me: my confidence in you.. specifically the fact that you failed to realize a) what you were doing b) that you could have any emotion for me.. skews my perception of both you and how i could ever see you seeing me
when i say my confidence in you
i mean, my personal level of confidence involving you
it's made me incredibly insecure
as far as 'this' goes at least
Scott: I'm sorry.
I had to ask you for forgiveness... i couldn't fall for you without it
that is the reason i havn't been sleeping
candice i'm sorry
me: but are you really? or are you just for the sake of being forgiven?
Scott: I've been sick to my stomach realizing that I cannot be sincere with you
no
no
me: i think you should know that i'm not holding anything against you personally
it just makes me hate what i bring out in people.. and what i fail to bring out in people sometimes.
Scott: I KNOW
I know i know
candice a 1000 times
i just wrote about that....i am so sorry
you had faith in me against your better judgement, and that's what hurts
but i want to make you see something
that you're not always wrong
that it was I and not you
me: i know, i'm aware of all that, but my system doesn't comprehend
it's like
i wasn't surprised, and i wasn't as hurt as i could have been once
life's taught me how to make a strong shield
and yeah, as far as i'm going to bring this tacky metaphor, sure you don't get to feel the breeze as well
but fuck, whenever you take it down is the moment something really flies at you
luckily for you, my shield was already up.. unfortunately, that shit just strengthened it
Scott: good. fair enough
i will do what i can to earn back your trust
me: it just sucks because i'm all alone on the other side of this shield
Scott: I know but give me time...i would not have asked you for forgiveness if i didnt' intend to use it
Sent at 7:40 PM on Thursday
Scott: I have no presumptions about you
Sent at 7:42 PM on Thursday
Scott: but now that I have this weight off my chest, I only hope i can prove to you my sincereity
sorry wrong words
fuck
me: fuck is always the right word somehow, isn't it? haha
Scott: what i mean is that do what you want and i'm gonna love you anyway
lol
me: except you just said two completely different things..
Scott: but I couldn't love you lieing
/not openly
Sent at 7:45 PM on Thursday
Scott: i'm falling for you candice, and whether or not you still feel anything towards me, i needed to tell you
i'm sorry. I am
me: or maybe you think you are
i have a feeling you trip a lot
you really don't need to worry about my perception of you much
Scott: go on
plz
Sent at 7:50 PM on Thursday
Scott: well I really understood what you meant when you said i didn't make my position clear, and now that my position is changing, I cannot face the lies I felt I had told without letting you know
im done....i fuckin know it
me: tell me when and what lies
here's a question
when did it all go from just sex to something more?
Scott: when i felt pain knowing it would hurt you
when i can't sleep at night
when everytime i write you an email i want to cry out
and have your forgivance
when it no longer worked
me: so what basically since yesterday? haha
ouch.
when what no longer worked? this dynamic and you felt the need to fix it?
Sent at 7:57 PM on Thursday
Scott: look.. i thought of not asking for your forgiveness, and bearing that cross more painfully than you would know for years, and then it would be easier to stomach cause it would be long in the past... but all the selflessness of yours would have been in lie
Sent at 7:59 PM on Thursday
Scott: i didn't want you to make any more selfless decisions for me unless you could forgive me
Sent at 8:00 PM on Thursday
Scott: just one more chance
me: have i written you off..?
Scott: let me know please!
me: well
Scott: i want you
but without skeletons
me: this is where i laugh
skeletons on who's end?
i just don't understand
Scott: what are you sain
me: just the concept of me without emotional skeletons is so preposterous it's funny
but more importantly
i just don't understand how you could have spent so much time with me over the past couple of months
without realizing that you cared for me in any sense til now
Scott: it was a combination of things
Sent at 8:08 PM on Thursday
Scott: i definately was not looking for love when we first started seeing each other - and in that sense i distanced myself from you emotionally. in the last month i've been debating with myself whether to love you..and now it's come to a head, and i can't stand it.
either it becomes clean or it dies, but i can't go on on false pretenses
*whether I love you
no...it's to actually i knew i could love you
Sent at 8:12 PM on Thursday
me: so why the debate, keep going please
Scott: i was copying something to show you
look
"It is a contradiction that keeps me up at night. whoa too many ideas at once. Careful selection of a mate is a sign of longing for a deep relationship � a longing for love. And yet we chose each other so readily- you knowing that I was not stable, and I, choosing you only because I needed someone to tell me I�m worth it. The fact that you have such high tolerance for abstain from relationships and yet chose me knowing my pathetic state leads me to conclude that a) we are both weak for each other or else b) even in my weak state, you saw me as a possible love, or a combination of the both. The fact that you knowingly broke your high standards of acceptability reinforces my pleasure and dismay. If someone so smart and attractive chooses me, then I must have some desirable traits. Yet for you, I fear that should I validate your standards by letting you know you were right to have suspected me, I fear you should become even more cold and calculating, cutting yourself off from the rest of the world, and letting your true love pass you by when it one day comes. "
It is a contradiction in myself as well that bothers me is that I seek love, yet have no high standards for mates, that is not to say that you wouldn�t meet them- for you exceed them, but that I don�t know a good thing when it comes along, and allow another mate, one much lower in quality to ruin what we have.
me: hold on one sec i need to solidly read this and i can't without getting water first
Scott: k
I need absolute truths in life. Only with yourself.
Sent at 8:17 PM on Thursday
me: hm.
ingesting..
Sent at 8:19 PM on Thursday
Scott: i never intended you to see that when it was written...another one
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me.
What good is love. Candice I cannot be in love with you right now. It will tear me apart one way or the other, and I mean that. If I love you then spending time away from the one you love is utterly painful for somehone like me, whose nonchalance is merely an act, tand the only way I truly know how to communicate is through presence and touch, both of which I am unable to convey at a distance. I love you so much I and you�re so smart. So smart to be weary. So smart its scary. You possess so many characteristics I desire, which makes this that much harder. I suppose it was doomed from the start. �I was on the rebound� is a true but lame excuse for my conduct�more like � I am a terrible person who is weak and could not survive alone would be more accurate. Why I slide into such depressions is a matter of having experienced extreme isolation � to a level incomprehensible by most people.
me: one second, phone call
Sent at 8:22 PM on Thursday
me: (sorry about this, i know this is an important discussion, and i know it's late.. rosemary will stop talking soon i swear) keep going.
Scott: sok...and isolation here crystallized that you're the only person I care deeply about, it's you I want to hear from, you who i put up on my walls
sorry
Sent at 8:27 PM on Thursday
Scott: I am here for a reason, and i realized that until i came clean with you, i cannot do my job well
Sent at 8:29 PM on Thursday
Scott: my thoughts are too distracted
too schizo when i lie
me: okay finally got her off the phone
okay
Scott: so i had to tell you, otherwise it would have been a waste to even come here...
me: okay
what are you coming clean for exactly? just for clarity's sake. your emotional process?
Sent at 8:34 PM on Thursday
Scott: *couldn't bear it
*bare?
me: bear
i think
Scott: tnks
me: okay scott
Sent at 8:36 PM on Thursday
me: tell me
- what it was exactly that you needed so desperately to tell me and get me to forgive you for, and i mean one concise straight sentence
- why you're so afraid
Sent at 8:38 PM on Thursday
Scott: I'm not fearful anymore. i don't think you want to hear the words.
but are you sure?
me: yes, i need to hear the words.
Sent at 8:41 PM on Thursday
Scott: i had sex with ano
i cant
i'm sorry
i cheated there
fuck
that's what it was
me: when
Sent at 8:43 PM on Thursday
Scott: in the beginning...but that is not the one i'm feelin worst about. once when you went away
im so sorry
Sent at 8:45 PM on Thursday
me: we should have been safer about things..
i don't think it's possible for me to not view you as pathetic
right now
you need sleep
Scott: i understand
me: i don't
Sent at 8:48 PM on Thursday
me: i just hope it was worth it
i'm not asking you this to invoke guilt, seriously.
i'm just generally curious because this seems to be the case with me and a lot of males
am i bad in bed, or is there something about me that's like innately repulsive or something?
Sent at 8:51 PM on Thursday
Scott: Why would you listen to me.
and why would i want you back if so
so you know what i think
me: you're not going to have me 'back'
apparently you never really had me in the first place
because when you did you didn't value it
Scott: candice
Sent at 8:54 PM on Thursday
Scott: i have no words left. I can't..
me: man, works gonna suck tomorrow
you've hurt me too much in too short a period of time
Scott: candice
me: what scott
you know what i'm afraid of
Scott: no
me: meaning nothing
that's my biggest fear in the entire world
and yet the males i interact with always treat me like i'm nothing
it's why i've had knives held to my throat
Scott: i'm telling you this because i dont think you ar!
me: scott
i don't care
what do you expect from me really
me to sit around waiting until you come back from austria
Scott: no
me: a time span of probably double the time we were seeing each other
which was apparently not really seeing each other at all
since you didn't have any emotional involvement
and you slept around
Scott: that isnt true!
Sent at 9:00 PM on Thursday
Scott: i loved you...
me: when
loved? already?
that quickly?
Scott: every day we spent together
me: you're so full of shit
Scott: im a fuckin idiot
me: y'think
Scott: i know, but don't think that we didn't have something good between us
i fucked up
badly
and i couldn't keep it from you
me: thank you for telling me
if i can even be grateful for such a thing
Scott: ?sincerely
me: obviously
i've wasted enough time
Scott: CANDICE
Sent at 9:06 PM on Thursday
Scott: i dont think i can fix this, i am so sorry.. i love you
dont say anything else
if you dont want
Sent at 9:08 PM on Thursday
Scott: I can't imagine how i thought this would turn out, but if you ever gave me the opportunity, i would make you remember all the fun we had
me: good luck with everything. i hope you find what you're looking for one day
Sent at 9:10 PM on Thursday