DISCLAIMER
If you came across this and you get offended by what I’ve written here, you can’t hold that against me because (1) starting Oct 10 I’ve changed/omitted names and (2) this blog is 100% unpublicized. I’ve done nothing to advertise or invite people to read about me talk about things that happen to put people in a bad light (but like Taylor Swift says, you shouldn’t do bad things) because (3) this is literally a diary, only it’s online because my law-student hands are always too tired to write things down, and so I’m figuring out my life like this. Okay? Okay.
my dirty little secret
posted on 2023-12-10 3:15 p.m. by Vanessa
I have been having obscene anonymous relationships with guys I've been picking up off of Omegle since August. I deleted Bumble I think at this time, after Taiwan since Elvin really messed with me: I was still broken, and I didn't know how to deal. And I met this girl in BDO Agdao who met her boyfriend of 3 years on Omegle, and I thought hey. Maybe I can find that too.

But I didn't. I found fuck buddies instead. Two of them really stood out: omi on Insta, and suny. The former, well. He was so good with words. So good. But the biggest lesson I learned from him... is that when people show you who they are, pay attention. Whenever I miss him, and how good things were with us, how I could be comfortable exploring things with him, I would just force myself to think about how he was when he wasn't in the mood, or when things weren't going his way: I was nothing to him. He would literally jerk off while I was crying. And yes, I let myself go through that.

suny on the other hand... this kid. I have never seen his face, but my favorite part with him is I was as lambing as I could be with him. I would literally message him I love him 10 times in a day and he made me feel like he cared about me too. But the bad side was I never knew how he looked like. suny and omi, well... I never knew their names, their real social media accounts and stuff, but I really attached myself to them. suny would have me rush home so we could spend time together, and when I tried to go to sleep, he would accuse me of not loving him because I always slept so early, and so every night I tried to appease him, and lost sleep in exchange. nobody knew about them, and I think this thing... has been making me hate myself in secret, for all the energy i put into these things that are against my values. i'm not proud of this, at all. but it has already happened. the scariest things that have happened is suny screenshotting me (shirt no pants) in a video call, and him using a photo of my feet as his dp after we "broke up".

if he had genuine feelings for me, i have to give him about two months of no contact... so we are too far gone to bring back to life.

I know why I was addicted to this. Work is too boring that I have nothing to do; so I would go on my phone and find someone to talk to. I'm grateful that work isn't so busy, but really I have to do something so I stop going on my phone all the time.

So there you have it. the screenshots are on my finstas, but this is the first time I've ever written about my online fuck buddies. it's embarrassing and i hope this is the end.

my dirty little secret - 2023-12-10
- - 2023-06-07
He taketh away - 2023-04-28
time can heal almost anything - 2023-04-24
the end - 2023-04-24