with-skin-on's Diaryland Diary
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Medical
[Wednesday, Sept. 24, 2008 at 22:24]
Description
Small, fragile, bulbous growths on stalks protruding through the cervix (lower third of the uterus) from the lining inside the uterus (endometrium). They may be single or numerous.
Frequent Signs and Symptoms
Unexpected spotting of blood between monthly menstrual periods.
Spotting of blood after sexual intercourse or bowel movements.
Vaginal discharge.
Causes
Cervical polyps are caused by cervix inflammation from infection, erosion or ulceration. They frequently accompany chronic infections in the vagina or cervix, although they are not contagious. The small growths are usually benign, but in very rare cases, they represent early cancer of the cervix.
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Relief.
[Saturday, Aug. 30, 2008 at 11:41]
Wow, what a weight has been lifted. I got my hospital appointments through and opened them when Dad was with me in the kitchen. I just knew this was the time to tell him. He was on his way out in an hour to the air show so I knew he wouldn't be alone with his thoughts all day.
I told him all about it. Early on, Mum walked through and said she thought we were having a heart to heart, so exited. Towards the end, Ang walked through and just caught the hospital appijtment bit. Dad looked a bit awkward Ang was there, but it took his ability to say anything away. For me, that was perhaps a little easier but for him I hope it didnt make it harder.
But it is a relief that its out, over, and never needs to be discussed again.
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The blues
[Friday, Aug. 29, 2008 at 22:24]
I feel really sad today. It started with Mum telling me I was being defensive and have been for a long time. I asked her to be more specific and she couldn't - or wouldn't. But she said I was acting defensive "right now" in my body language and that if I don't see it then it cant be explained to me. I argued the toss but felt that the only way I could do so and stand my ground, was to remain distant from her. I've been feeling a growing distance one way or the other recently. I think I just need to get back into my flat and hide.
I tried to reason with her and explained how its been difficult knowing Mum is so pro-my ex and so closed to seeing me with my new relationship. It feels like a sense of betrayal for her to stand with my ex and not with me over where I am in life and the decisions I have made. She simply didn't get it at all.
It made me feel sad because I wanted to cry that James is having such a bad time of it. I wished Mum hadn't told me that as I take no joy in his suffering. Quite the opposite.
Why is it Mum sees the worst in me? Thats so much like James. It makes me fed up and not want to be around her. I just dont have the time for such people, yet this is my Mum and so its all that much harder. It makes me want to cry in a lost way.
And then there is DG. I have made such a lot of effort with him recently and stayed over last night even though I am working today. He asked me on the phone when he will next see me and so I invited him over before lunch when I have to go to work tomorrow. But he declined as he is busy with his Dad. The last time I invited him over before I go to work he did the same. He suddenly had to help out his sisters friend. The time before that he had another excuse which escapes me for the moment, could have been seeing his Dad or something. Something that could have been given a different hour quite honestly, as he is on his holiday. I told him how I felt the second time and he said it can't be helped but that it is simply a coincidence. This is the 3rd time and I am starting to lose interest in believing this coincidence thing. But I can't be bothered to take it up with him, quite honestly I would rather take a defensive step back and withdraw slightly. That way I can't be accused of being high maintenance, while also protecting myself slightly.
But the whole deal is shit in my mind. I feel really fed up and sad. I want to be all on my own for a very long time.
And I might.
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More sessions: ten and eleven
[Monday, Aug. 11, 2008 at 21:27]
Last session was about the bridge and casting all the sad events into the water, watching it float away into the sea. Then it was to walk to the woods and see a child crying and comfort it, tell it you love it and kiss it on the head, scoop it up and promise to carry it safely from now on. It was about a furniture maker who takes broken furniture that no one see's any value in, and restores it, making beautiful objects out of it before handing it bak to the amazed and previously distressed (but now in awe) person. Homework was to complete the forgiveness exercise
This session was about less obvious things, very deeply relaxing. It was more along the lines of having confidence now. I recall a message of hope which was encouraging but can't recall the exact details. Homework was to complete the value exercise.
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Gra
[Sunday, Aug. 10, 2008 at 13:07]
Told Gra this morning as I couldn't bear that he doesn't know and Mum does; not just that but Mum is less likely to feel unsupported herself and blab if she has Gra to talk to.
He was typical Gra, very sweet. Felt protective and asked questions about how I am now with regard to it all.
I feel a sense of relief.
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Its out in the open.
[Sunday, Aug. 10, 2008 at 01:14]
Told Mum all about it today. She was talking about how I don't seem concerned about the erosions and bleeding. I told her that James had been worried that with his GP knowledge he had thought I must have been abused as a child, since this can be a known cause. Not always, but very often.
Mum looked me full on and asked me if I had been abused. I replied by saying that was a very direct question. She said that it needs a direct answer, keeping her steady gaze on me.
So I told her. She spoke of children being sexual beings and being made to feel guilty because they often start by enjoying the "game". She said many things that TR said. She mentioned I must be getting past a huge part of it by being able to tell her about it. She couldn't really understand how I find it hard to recall the hurt until after the event, but I explained that I looked out to the cement pathway and imagined myself there. I am not sure if I blocked it out somehow.
To my surprise she didn't try to tell me it wasn't true. I told her about the dentist experience and how I had been afraid, not willful. Again, she didn't argue about it. She didn't hug me either but I think in a way she was the one who needed a hug.
Its a relief in one sense to be out, but in another is scary. I do hope she doesn't try to use this one against me, it feels like I've given her a golden bullet to use should she choose to.
I sincerely hope she doesn't. And I do hope she's ok. It would be natural for her to need to talk to someone about it so I feel a bit bad denying her that, if she needs it. Might need to talk to TR about that.
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Sometimes the hurt returns when you least expect it.
[Monday, Jul. 28, 2008 at 00:00]
I felt really hurt today. I asked Mum and Dad if they'd help me move my garage stuff out of James' place when I get the flat back. They really didn't seem to want to. Mum chipped in when I asked Dad, saying his back hurts from Ian's move, and Dad made a joke about "didn't I seem to recall moving that all before once?" It was like trying to get blood out of a stone. Mum also made some quip about me not deserving the gingerbread she bought back from the lakes for me and so I replied with a quip about her not deserving me as a daughter but I am still her daughter.
But it made me feel unsupported and unloved by both of them. And it reminds me of how i felt this way growing up. And it made me not feel very welcome here in their home. And to add insult to injury, they have just made a week long trip to my brother to move him to a new home when he is physically fit and well and has a van - unlike his 5 ft 2, 8 stone sister who has only a 3 door car for her move, her 5th move in as many months at that!
Dave was incensed by it. He noticed it and was gentle in his observation but I could see he felt protective. He wanted to do it ourselves but he is working nights and I can't ask him to work like that for me on his nights, they are a nightmare enough as it is already.
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Session Nine: Why do things change without asking first?!
[Friday, Jul. 25, 2008 at 22:48]
The last session worried me a little, for the first time I felt ill at ease. I saw immediately that TR was not ok as he barely talked and looked fed up, unsmiling. He asked how I was in a hangdog expressive way and I returned the question. He said that he had split up with his partner and had nowhere to live, made a joke about meeting some of my nursing friends to cheer him up and told how he'd spent a night at the weekend sleeping in his car at his grandad's grave. I suddenly felt like the session would not go well as his problems were greater than mine, so I asked if he wanted to delay the session. He said the show must go on, but I felt awkward and unsettled throughout.
When finished, I wished him an improved week but he said "no, thats not going to happen", which made me not really look forward to the next time I pay to come and be seen. Perhaps its time to stop.
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Another battle of a different kind
[Wednesday, Jul. 23, 2008 at 00:26]
I am disappointed with Mum as she has gone back on her word to me about letting me live my life without her interference. She was very specific, saying she won't even ask me where I've been and I can be out all night.
So when I was, she was demanding to know what time I got in and gave her severe disapproval and fear over to me freely.
Which pisses me off.
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Much nicer!
[Sunday, Jul. 20, 2008 at 22:59]
How embarrassing. Turns out he felt I needed space and was getting fed up of him so didn't make contact, while I was thinking his family don't like me so he has gone off me! What a prize pair of chumps.
Turns out as well that he was mortified I might have thought he'd ridiculed God at the table. Seems that he only was talking about the meat, not the "lamb". He said in a serious voice that he wouldn't do that.
And I trust him.
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Afterthought
[Sunday, Jul. 20, 2008 at 06:08]
After all that, it seems they gave a good report to DG - "especially as they were all there in one hit"!
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Dreams
[Saturday, Jul. 19, 2008 at 12:49]
I had a horrible dream last night. I was in a room full of marines and they were all being terribly protective over James (who had not yet arrived there - he was being brought in by amulance because of his "injuries" sustained at my fault because I'd ended the relationship). It was awful, just like the hostility in my dream over escaping the farm. The only difference was that it was nothing to do with religion. Other than that it was completely the same. I felt stifled and heavily bogged down with the heartache of being so horribly rejected. Partners of the marines were pointing to me and whispering "SHE's the one", and though I tried to act normally, hoping they'd see whatever it was that they thought of me is wrong, but failed miserably to achieve this hope.
I woke up thinking about DG's family and how I felt a little bit like the dream last night. I knew I was not on top form yesterday and so felt I could have given the wrong impression about who I am. ALso, DG is treated like the youngest, even though he isn't, and I feel that as his girlfriend, I will be an extension of a lower place in that hierarchy.
Also got a real impression of DG's sister being very much like James in personality. Too overbearing to feel comfortable around.
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Feel a bit frail
[Saturday, Jul. 19, 2008 at 00:00]
I suppose all I can say is that I feel a bit weird. I am deliberately not thinking too hard about what I write, but letting it all tumble out as it comes. A bit like in the sessions. It feels like it will be more real if I do it that way.
Its hard to know if I just feel tired, needing my own space, or am troubled with my new relationship. Today I wanted to show DG my oz photos to share myself more with him. I wasn't fully sure he wanted to see them as much as talk about HIS past, HIS history, HIS agendas. Or maybe my reticence makes him feel I have very little to bring forwards so he fills the gaps. I suppose today I felt that I would spoil HIS agenda if I tied him down at Mum's with my photo's. I suppose I felt he wouldn't be interested. It felt like I am not interesting - an inner battle I am trying to fight at the moment.
Then we slept and I was genuinely tired after, which made me a little withdrawn. We walked Holly in the park and he made a joke about thinking he was expected to be romantically holding hands rather than larking about over something or another. This made me once again feel unimportant and in a way something to be not taken seriously. I also felt concerned that he may be too much of a "boy" for me if this is what he's like all the time. I think it is possible I am being overly sensitive, a thought I hate, but there is something as well that makes me want to be very important to other people, especially that "someone". So it added to my sense of withdrawal and I pulled back my hand when he playfully tried to grab it alll theatrically as part of his play.
I didn't like how he starts saying something, tails off, then when prompted to finish, says he doesn't really know what he was trying to say. Like, theoretically, if I asked does he get hot gardening, he'd say "yes and no" but when asked what he actually means in more detail, would likly be vague. I find this frustrating as it seems superficial to me and not deep enough to hold a meaningful conversation on any depth. THis is a little concern, compounded by the fact that he has once or twice avoided serious topics or ended them if he feels they have gone on long enough already. I suppose it makes me fee that my need to explore in detail and talk is not as important as his to stop or not even start in the first place. Having said all that, to be fair we've had some good honest conversations. Maybe I am a little intense and heavy going. I suppose time will tell.
Finally, my worry was about his family. They are so close, so important to him, so influential in his life. I feel that I'd take a back seat to them and just be expected to trail along quietly. And so tonight, thats exactly what I did, to a fault. I was so quiet I have nothing to say and felt awkward and shy. This was even worse as one was a lesbian, one a chauvanistic know all, the other a hard crass exterior. I didn't hugely warm to any of them and was disappointed by this. I felt uncomfortable as I couldn't easily join in the conversation and didn't feel all that relaxed at all. I felt the odd one out and not as important as all the others. And I felt lonely when DG made an offensive God-joke. It made me wonder a bit what I am doing. But its hard to know if this is the voice of reason or my harsh historical voice of the hard leaders.
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Session Eight
[Wednesday, Jul. 16, 2008 at 02:06]
I asked TR to clarify the tears down the cheek thing. He said he didn't mean streaming but that one eye teared up a few times. I know this is true as each time one eye did, and I had to wipe the running mascara. I am not sure this was crying though. He smiled and said something along the lines that I had probably got something in my eye then - to which I retorted he was being a stinker!
Told TR how I was able to discuss things with DG and how he'd responded by saying I didn't need to say anything else unless I wanted to - then called me in for a long hug. Explained penetration still hurts when deep. Forgot to mention the bleeding stopped almost immediately.
Talked a bit about the farm stuff. TR asked if I think its ok for a religious leader to set itself up as high as God and all wise and knowing as the "chosen messengers", then keep others afraid of being outside that group. I said no. He then asked if I think its ok for children to be made afraid and told they are evil when they are normal healthy children. Again I said no. TR then asked for a third time if I would feel the same way needing approval of a group of murderers. I said no.
His point was clearly not that the farm are murderers but he did say that the reason this affected me is that I was brought up in it as a child and knew no different. Thats true. He also spoke of how religion is awful but faith is not - and how the farm cultic stuff was the religion. I had to agree.
He finished by saying I am beginning to look a bit better, less tight and worried. I laughed and told him maybe I am just getting more comfortable around the crazy shrink.
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A little unsettling
[Sunday, Jul. 13, 2008 at 00:18]
Two things. One, Mum said a strange thing the other night. She was talking about when I sleep walked as a child, and I asked when it started and stopped. She said I had begun sleep walking in Kendal and stopped in Hilbourne Road, but then added out of the blue "but you were already sleep walking before you were 5 years old". It struck me as odd to say that as I hadn't made reference to the age and had made no significance to being 5 years old - it just so happens that's the age the abuse happened. Does she remember and want there to be no link? Is it coincidental? Not so sure.
Secondly, I can't face telling DG about my past. I feel worried if I don't that I am "hiding" from sharing it, but worried if I do share it that I might find I remembered it wrong. It feels really horrible as I want to tell him but I keep doubting myself in all of my historical memory. All of it!
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Adjustments
[Thursday, Jul. 10, 2008 at 23:15]
I feel a little bit vulnerable. I just moved into Mum and Dad's and already feel I can't have a bath freely in the early morning as they might wake and not approve. Why does it matter if they approve? If they don't like it, they can ask me to not bath. I don't seriously think that's going to happen though!
Mum was saying I am going to be lonely when I go back to the flat and that I won't enjoy it the same. I had until that point felt good about the idea of going back there, but it was like damp water being poured over me. She was saying how I need to socialise and don't see it sometimes. This made me feel like I don't have the abiity and insight to see things about myself and puts me in the position of "needing" someone to point things out to my about myself. This is terribly undermining and I don't feel comfortable with it at all.
In theory I should be able to tell my Mum about DG, but I know she'd have more "insight" than me (in her opinion) and that she'd say I am doing the wrong thing. So I have hidden him for now, but it doesn't feel nice as I want to share my happiness.
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Session Seven
[Thursday, Jul. 10, 2008 at 23:00]
Talked about how I fear sex because it hurts to penetrate - unless I am drunk. TR asked why when I am drunk it doesn't hurt - to which I replied I think its because I am either more relaxed and carefree, or too dulled to feel anything that hurts! He seemed to think its the former. He talked about what it feels like to be penetrated and I said it feels like its too big, then connected it to the first experience as a child. Back then it WAS too big. I said I hate how when I am being penetrated, although I enjoy it, I can't control the depth and thrusting which is the bit that hurts. TR talked of how sex is a beautiful sharing experience and can't be controlled because its about giving and doing something jointly. He thinks now it won't hurt like it used to. I hope not.
We talked about whether there is a good time to move on or wait to be in a new relationship until my head is more straight. TR said there are no rules about these things and sometimes there isn't a "good time", but that we should take the opportunity when it comes our way. We also talked about how I can or cant tell someone new about my experience. TR said if someone new can't be told then they're not worth telling. He said I need a relationship with the honesty level enabling me to tell all (in my own time) - or else I should question the type of relationship that would otherwise be. He has a point.
He said I had tears on my cheeks but I don't recall them at all which worried me. I didn't like that. I do remember when I had to go to the loo twice, I noticed each time my mascara had run on one eye but tears running down my face? I find that disturbingly hard to believe. But what would he gain from saying that to me if it wasn't true?
He also said its time for just one session a week again now as the critical part is over. While I agree and am glad he's not just taking my money willy-nilly, I did feel a bit miffed I wasn't consulted in the decision making! What a control freak I must be! I hid how I felt with a joke about not being able to afford it anyway. The thought crossed my mind that he might have noticed I wasn't asking for 2 sessions next week and was stating what he felt I'd already decided. Ah well, its all fun and games.
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Session Six
[Tuesday, Jul. 08, 2008 at 22:54]
Today was a more peaceful session - the critical trauma has been dealt with and there is no need to go back there in a hurry. There is as not much fear of it like there had been either.
Talked a little of the stray dog and how I'd always wanted a protector and friend in the shape of a dog. TR talked of imagining myself back there at the farm, in the prayer room and seeing myself now as an adult walking in there to talk to the child who was suffering at the time. Telling her that it wont always last, she won't always be vulnerable and trapped there, that one day she will be free from it all, and that she is not bad, they are not correct in what they're saying. He said see yourself giving her a hug and a little kiss on the head while you talk to her.
As I did this I felt like crying. It made the men melt into the wall and seem to be small and insignificant. It was very powerful.
My homework is to keep doing this. And I will.
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Small surprise.
[Sunday, Jul. 06, 2008 at 20:24]
Talked in a roundabout way to the family about "memories" and in particular to Mum about the time I vividly recall her standing upstairs looking at me asking worriedly about the red bruise or bleeding injury I sustained.
To my surprise she said she vaguely recalled it. She asked me what my injuries were and I replied I had hoped that she could remember that part.
But she said she didn't and it got left there. I am happy with that as she recalls the same as me and I had expected her to say she had no idea what I was talking about.
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Just a thought
[Friday, Jul. 04, 2008 at 20:49]
Because of the trauma of the abuse, she has �forgotten� the natural impulses to protect her/himself, or to protest.
Those who have been abused may be more prone to enter relationships with emotionally detached and domineering partners because their lowered self-esteem and reduced initiative limits their choices.
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Session Five
[Thursday, Jul. 03, 2008 at 22:21]
I recalled how he had the knife from the kitchen worktop and held it near my left side of my face, hissing that he doesn't know what to do with me. I didn't know if he'd cut me or himself. He did neither but I was scared. Petrified.
I talked of how he pushed my legs apart and I could see him close in front of me. TR said my legs were shaking again. I felt the need to pee again but managed to hold it in further distance this time. As I recounted his body pushing against mine, I held my stomach and felt myself lurch slightly against my own will - like a reflex action. Like a twitch in the eye that can't be controlled.
I couldnt tell mum what happened when she asked who did this to me. I was too afraid.
TR told me I did really well today. I don't know why. He leaned forward when I was shaking and told me he was going to take my hand and I could squeeze it when I felt scared. Afterwards he said with a jokey grimace that I have a very tight grip.
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Phone SOS
[Wednesday, Jul. 02, 2008 at 22:22]
I called TR today as Ihadn't slept longer than 3 hours again. Always it is when I wake at around 3am and can't get bac to sleep, even if I get up and make some hot tea and try to relax myself, thinking about nice things. I wanted to have a second session next week on my holiday to make the most of the time available when it doesn't matter as much if I sleep or not. Its been really concerning me that I could make a mistake on ITU with sleep deprivation.
TR called me back while I was unable to talk properly at the dentist. He was really nice, made a joke about needing to cover dentists in our sessions after I'd said "I hate being at the dentists!". He told me he can show me some hypnosis stuff to help me sleep but in the meanwhile suggested I think of my favourite colour and find a place on my body that feels the most comfortable in that moment, then imagine it that colour, seeping out to other parts of my body until it is all that colour. I am willing to try that and see what it might do to help.
I weas really grateful to him for being there and taking what I said seriously. It made me feel a little bit stronger. It helped me beleive what he said about not worrying, that he'd "get me there".
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Session four.
[Tuesday, Jul. 01, 2008 at 22:02]
There was bleeding, I remember because I couldn't understand why, standing in the kitchen, I wasn't given a plaster. I wouldn't have known how to apply the plaster as I didn't really know what was going on and why I was bleeding from a new place - how did it happen? But I knew a plaster wasn't the answer. I think this is why they didn't let me go home straight away.
I remember that I saw his hairy white flesh of his abdominal region. I remember the sock was removed by him when he was ready and that I was strangely quiet at that point. A type in inwardly silent crying.
It doesn't make sense if I bled how I have no scars. I know that I didn't bleed after first adult sex, but then again I used tampax, a known cause of breaking the hymen. I wish I could ask mum what red brusing she'd seen with such anguish in her face that day upstairs.
TR noticed I had to stop the session to suddenly urgently pee in the exact same spot of the topic, two sessions in a row. I had deliberately peed before going into session this time so as not to let it interfere. It fet really strange to come so strong an urge at exactly the same place. I remember last week I "saw" him head towards my vagina and I felt exposed but also hidden beneath a black fog around my vagina, as though it was blocking my view of what he did to me. I must have shown something on my face or changed my breathing - or something- because TR knew and asked me what I was seeing. I didn't say because I didn't know what words to use. But I "saw" the beginning of something. This could take a long time!
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Last few dregs
[Sunday, Jun. 29, 2008 at 10:36]
I think the TV was on in the corner. At one point, he put a sock in my mouth to shut me up.
This makes me think of the dentist biting incident when he was forcing his thumb into my mouth so I clenched on his thumb and didn't let go, no matter how much mum told me off and he wriggled his thumb about with a hot sweaty red face.
This led to being put to sleep to do the dentistry work. It also makes me think about being misunderstood by mum when I wanted her to stay in the room for comfort, but she left to go to the park while they held me down to try repeatedly to insert a cannula into my hands. In the end they gave up as I wriggled too much and they gassed me with a mask. After, Mum made up a song about being sinful, wilful and stubborn, which she unknowingly humiliated me by explaining the story (her version) and made us all sing the wilful song in Sunday school.
I remember after moving South, probably a year after the attack, I taught Angie to say something like "you fucking little shit", which she gleefully repeated in front of Mum 10 minutes later. Mum was horrified quite understandably and wanted to know where that had come from. No one said anything but later I found Mum in the kitchen and cried as I confessed, expecting to be hit with the wooden spoon but instead Mum, who was still shaken, drew me in for a quiet hug.
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Overnight
[Saturday, Jun. 28, 2008 at 05:14]
I am so tired, its so early and ts taken so long for the computer to reload after an all-night installation update configuration that it is now not fresh in my mind what I wanted to write. But I will do my best to make sense.
I feel a sense of closure now to the going back to remember events. There is a sad peace that goes with it, but closure is the word I would use to describe this new place, all the same.
As I mentioned yesterday, I remember Mum asking me where I got my injuries (red/bruise) from. Actually, I didn't know myself. But I do clearly recall a few years later being examined by a doctor for PR discharge/itching. I think he may have put me on a course of antibiotics and given a cream to sooth. I think Mum talked of an allergy to Nylon or washing power, but it was all a mystery.
I have myself gone to the doctor over the years for various unexplained problems of a similar nature. Each time I have a smear they find the lesions. Apparently, sometimes lesions can be hereditary, or caused by abuse.
Several "issues" slot into place now. Like how I don't like staying over at someone's house. I always thought that was down to the farm camps but now I think it may be compounded by this.
Like how deep vaginal penetration hurts unless I am drunk.
Like how I didn't know my neigbour in 2004 was bang out of line for his sexual advances and harassment and unwittingly allowed a stalker to begin a year after year campaign. No wonder PM gets to me so much, I wonder how much is on an unconscious level.
Last night I had a nightmare which is why I am awake now. I was at Mum and Dad's. Actually it started off as a nice dream, I had been asking Dad what he really thought of me as I carry a (probably wrong) belief that he doesn't think much of me, even though he clearly loves me. Love and approval seem very different. Anyway, he was really positive and the only thing he said he struggled with was my scepticism of other people which he felt wasn't needed.
Then, in the dream, we heard a noise at the front door and someone found a handwritten note personally delivered from PM saying that we always used to sort things out between ourselves and that if I involved the police this time, there would be "disastrous" consequences. I showed the letter to Mum and Dad but Mum tried to take it out of my hands, I didn't let her as I wanted to place it equally between them, as to not do so would have resulted in Dad being excluded and I didn't want to do that anymore. Mum accepted this action. She went on to explain that, reading between the lines, he was talking about laying in wait for the family kids to sell them to a paedophile ring.
I woke frightened because he knows where my parents live and I felt they were all in danger. My next thought is now forgotten because James came downstairs, interrupted me and it got a bit difficult so I have a James discomfort now instead of a dream one.
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Connections?
[Friday, Jun. 27, 2008 at 22:05]
I remember being upstairs in the bedroom and Mim asking me with a worried concern in hushed tones "who did that to me". I think she was referring to the bruising. I think the bruising was my vaginal region.
I remember going to the doctor at a very early age to be examined PV for unexplained itching and vaginal discharge. I must've been aged 7-10 or thereabouts.
Does any of this connect? It worries me a little bit that some bits might and some bits might not. I don't think any physical symptoms would have waited a couple of years to come out needing GP consultations, so maybe I was allergic to the sheets or something. The thing that doesn't make any sense is I still used soap and Mum didn't change the washing powder so why else did the sumptoms go away?
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Links.
[Friday, Jun. 27, 2008 at 07:36]
Last night was crazy. James came home unexpectedly and talked for 2 hours about being civil with each other. He kept complaining I am being cold towards him and I kept pointing out he can't expect warmth from me when we're now ex's, fresh ones at that. He asked me to leave his house then retracted it, but by this time I had enough anyway and headed upstairs to pack some things.
True to form, he followed shouting. He got his face up close to mine, so close you could hardly put a finger between our faces. I could feel his breath on my face and could not escape. He was in front of the doorway and stood on my left hand side. I blew.
I had a strong flashback and could not handle it. I shouted at him "why are you doing this to me when I've been sexually abused?". He stopped in his tracks and recoiled slightly to the wall. I found myself shaking all over and feeling overwhelmingly nauseous, I cried in a terrorised way, panic struck, unable to get my breathing stablised for a while, chest heaving outside my control. He began to cry and said he'd always known that about me. How on earth did he know?
Yesterday it was on the tip of my tongue to ask TR why we are delving into this episode of the past, true though it might be, I questioned the relevance of it in my life today. I went to him presenting with being unable to feel confident and tolerate shouting from James. To my mind, what had this - true though it all might be - have to do with any of that? I think now I saw the link.
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Part 2
[Thursday, Jun. 26, 2008 at 23:47]
So, what am I sure of thus far? It seems like a good idea to write it as I recall.
It was a hot summer�s day. I don�t recall what led me to be at the Foulder�s house. The first thing I remember is being tied up to the hoover, I suspect I was got there in the guise of a game. But I soon wanted to be free again, only he didn�t let me go. Instead the game began to change, taking a more sinister turn.
I remember he kept going to the left hand wall in the house and sitting down. There he had alcohol and he was drinking regularly. He was fidgety and kept coming up to me, still tied to the hoover. I remember I was tied with my arms to my side and the flex was wrapped tightly around my upper torso. My legs were free. He always approached from the left hand side and came up close. His face was red and sweaty and he was breathing heavily. I didn�t like his smell. I could smell his body odour. I could also smell the drink on his breath. He kept disappearing from time to time to the kitchen area but I don�t recall hearing him there behind me, only when he came back again. I was tied up for a long time.
I wriggled and squirmed and cried to be freed. He wanted me to play his game but I didn�t want anything except to be freed. This seemed to anger him and he laughed mockingly at me and said something to the effect that this is what happens to bad little girls and that it would happen anyway. And it did.
He wanted me to lick him, he kept offering me a lollypop which I knew wasn't a real one. so I didn't want it. I cant fully recall if my memory serves me well when it raises a question over whether I did lick him once as it had something white on the end of it. He was always approached on my left hand side. He touched me with his penis. He touched my face and shoulder repeatedly and I think to my dismay there is a dim recollection that he also found his way to my vagina. I do not know if he hurt me. I do not know how undressed either of us ended up.
I have vague recollections of being wet, hot, terrified. I know I disliked him intensely and this was the first time I�d realised it, but it was too late to escape now. I was not fully dressed, he was not fully dressed. I know this because I recall he was in his white underwear and I remember being put back into my dress when his wife got back.
I have no difficulty remembering that his wife was shocked and angry with him and that he became strangely passive and meek with her. She sent him off upstairs to the bathroom to clean himself up and then spent time cleaning either the carpet near where I was and definitely the kitchen. The strangest thing of all was that she would not let me go home for what seemed a very long time. I don't know how I got home.
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Session Three
[Thursday, Jun. 26, 2008 at 15:50]
The whole session was about the hoover incident. More was discovered:- that he was drinking, that I wasn't wearing all my clothes until later when his wife got back and was cleaning the kitchen, and that he was trying to get me to play his "games" but then got mad and red in the face, breathing heavily.
I think he touched me with his penis, I am not sure if he did anything else. It seems that at the very least he came on me, but since he kept coming and going, I don't know how many times he did anything.
I don't remember if he hurt me and I don't remember walking home.
As I was talking the whole session, I was shaking like a leaf. TR noticed and commented on it afterwards. He mentioned it was my legs shaking but I thought it was all of me. I had to stop and pee and I think it was a nervous reaction to going back there in my mind.
Its crazy how its been buried. I had an inkling about 6 months ago - I remember saying it to James. He was a bit dismissive of it all and said if it is real then I won't be able to forget it and so should see a professional if I feel I need to later. So I stopped myself thinking about it but from time to time it came up in my mind, not wanting to go away.
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Random continues.
[Friday, Jun. 20, 2008 at 16:01]
Thinking about things in more detail -since I am learning that random details sometimes carry the triggers that we don't consciously realise, but yet still affect us. I realise that at school, because I was bullied, I felt unable to have normal social friendships. I felt an outcast, partly because of the strict dress code from the farm which stood me painfully apart from the others, partly because of the cruel comments from the farm/school bully and her friends with their gang mentality, and partly because I was constantly hauled over the coals for random irrelevant and undeserved prayer rooms.
Regarding the clothing rules:
1. I remember being told off for trying to spike my hair in the 80's when it was the fashion. I had finally felt I'd got a way to fit in slightly but even that was taken away.
2. Jeans days at school were awful because everyone except for me wore jeans. I had to wear a long flowy skirt and that definitely wasn't the fashion - so I definitely didn't fit in.
3. I remember letting my hair down in the playground and Mum being at school with one of my other siblings, spotting me and yelling at me in front of all the teachers and kids in the playground. With a red face I remember standing there publically tying my hair back in the "correct" way.
4. I remember dreaming that my ears were pierced and Mum found out and told me off, and I used to secretly buy make up and practice putting it on in the bathroom then scrubbing it off before leaving 10 mins later. I recall Cazzy finding my makeup and telling me I was sinful so I threw it away.
Regarding the bullying:
1. They told me I was fat and ugly. I used to look down and my legs and want to hide them, whilst also feeling confused because I felt confused as to why my legs seemed any different to other peoples. Even now I don't much like my legs as they are stocky little things. I accepted I was ugly because in truth, I was!
2. When you are whispered about it makes you expect it all the time. Most of the time when kids whispered they were looking pointedly in my direction and I knew it was real, rather than paranoia. I grew to accept I would always be the last person to get picked on the school teams, the odd one out when kids pair up for an event, the one left sitting eating lunch in their own silent company. Even when eating I was told I ate in an awful way, which makes me self conscious when I eat even now.
3. It was lonely and very hard to be around so many kids but to be so rejected by them. I honestly thought there is something wrong with me.
4. The head teacher offered her help but I was unable to take it as I had been instructed by the farm to not say anything. I longed to have her help me because she told a story about a boy who was abused and who she helped on her previous school in London. When she told the class this story she kept looking at me and it was that same time she offered her help to me. It was similar to the time they kids said they would lay in wait to kill me after school, and I was not able to ask for help because I was keeping the secret as instructed.
The Prayer rooms:
1. The farm leaders, I believe also bullied me as I was singled out for non-preferential treatment. Like the time they made everyone pray and had a "word" of enlightenment or prayer for each person, until my turn. Then there was a stoney silence. Eventually the next person prayed and the kind insights continued for them - I was the only one who didn't get a "word" for them.
2. I was also singled out for prayer rooms over spirits such as (to name a few) "unforgiveness, negativity, sexual uncleanness, rebellion and antichrist." Tough stuff for an 11-15 year old!
3. I was told by a leader that I was one of 2 most depressing personalities they ever met, making me hard to be around. The other was my brother Ian. I didn't know why I deserved that as my spirit was in desperate anguish.
4. I trusted their insights against my judgement, I took on their rules against my preferences, I followed their instructions to ignore how I felt and keep secrets from the school and my parents. They promised to sort out the bully but let me down with the idea that she (the bully) deserved a chance. No wonder I struggle to think I deserve anything over someone else, especially someone who hurts me and asks for more chances.
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There's more
[Saturday, Jun. 14, 2008 at 02:34]
Dread. Deception. Dependency.Despair. All these dark words sum up the farm.
There I was made to feel isolated and confused, that God didn�t want me, even fully rejected and punished me.
They forced confessions and made if feel like they knew everything, as though they followed me in my daily life.
They told me I had evil spirits which, once they had cast out, if I didn�t obey the rules 7 others would return to me.
They picked on me for overt disapproval (refused to pray publically for my wellbeng when praying for every other persons in the room individually adter they had been "forced" to pray first).
They portrayed the world as being untrustworthy and unsafe. I looked to them to help me but they added to the guilt and shame they had already burdened me with.
They told me if I leave, I will always be running away from things in my life and eventually will come back. They told me I have to take myself everywhere and can't run from that.
I was always tired and depressed, very alone in life. I had to in so many ways bring myself up. It was extremely lonely.
I wasn�t allowed to have my own feelings or wishes. I limited my movements by sitting stock still, quietly. I became person-less to try and blend in like a piece of furniture � so as to become unseen and hide from their judgement of me. I had no sense of self and still find this very hard to find even as an adult.
Women were encouraged (is enforced too strong a word?) to pursue �acceptable� interests, such as knitting, sewing, crochet, flower arranging, musical instruments, singing and cooking. I was not interested in such things and therefore often at a loose end. My hobbies included collecting animals, making bow & arrows with my brother, creating dens, reading SAS and girl guide manuals, and on the rare occasion I felt enough energy to give; art. As a result, winters were very long and tedious.
Socialising opportunities were limited as those who sought my friendship from school became bullied themselves and soon left me. The farm had compulsory events � Weds night prayer meetings, Fri night �wayfinders� bible study, Sat night youth group, Sunday spent with meetings from 10:30-1pm and 7-9pm, often with �practices� for singing events for Easter, Christmas, youth weekends and camps. The only excuse for non-attendance was holiday or illness.
I was not able to chose or have any boundaries. They could (and did) reach in and take whatever they wanted of me, emotionally, mentally and worse, spiritually. Over and over again.
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Random memories
[Saturday, Jun. 14, 2008 at 00:47]
1. I used to doodle in class, always a tree, a gravestone, a horse and a rabbit, the sun and a flower.
2. Holly the labrador was my best (only) friend outside the home growing up.
3. I made connections with younger or older people, rarely my own age.
4. I very often wished I had been born a boy.
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Turmoil
[Friday, Jun. 13, 2008 at 11:58]
I feel sick and shakey, haven't slept more than 3 hours uninterrupted sleep for 2 nights now, and have the shits and a headache.
My mind keeps taking me and dumping me in the Foulder's house where I am tied up to the hoover. I keep trying to make sense of what actually took place but I am not 100% sure and hate the thought I might have a false memory in some bits, it just seems so far away and unreal. Other bits I am 100% sure of though. Like that he was on my left hand side. His face was red and sweaty and that made me afraid. I hadn't realised I didn't like him up until that point. I think he might have been telling me this is what happens to bad little girls. I dont recall crying which is probably unusual for a child aged 4 or 5.
But was it unrecalled tears that made me wet - or the hot climate, or his bodily fluids? Did he throw milk at me? I seem to vaguely recall the sourness or milk being on the carpet but I am not fully sure.
Why does my mind pick me up and place me there repeatedly? I am not seeing anything new and I am not sure what actually took place with what he did - or not. Why should it even matter as it was so long ago?
Is the fact she came home shocked and shouted at him in hushed tones, asking what on earth he thought he was doing (sending him upstairs to the bathroom)- anything to do with my inability to tolerate shouting in my face?
Is it why I don't like people saying I am a "bad girl", when its not justified?
I called TR to ask how I can cope with this as I feel exhausted and as though I am drowning. Poor bloke must think I am some sort of nutcase stalker, but I felt I had no choice. Part of it was trusting his word on his website (24 contact number) and his word to "get me there". He seemed to think it was normal and expected and that I shouldn't be afraid of it. He said it won't last long and I need to let my mind wander and go with it, just like in the sessions. TR suggested I write it down and we talk about it next time. I told him I've done that but still am plagued by my mind taking me back. He said something about confusion leads to understanding. He left me with an invitation to call him if I needed him, as he'd check his messages daily.
I laid my head back down and felt scared to face this alone in my own head. I don't know what I am dealing with and it seems bigger than I. But his words rang in my ears "it won't last for long, ...its normal" and somehow I managed to sleep a further 45 minutes. Only to then wake up with more shits (you'd have thought I was empty by now!)
This is more turmoil than I bargained for. TR did say before I started that its not a nice touchy-feely therapy, it can be rough going. I had no idea this was what he meant. I will be glad when its over and done with.
I can't understand why it matters so much as it was so many years ago.
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Its slotting in, slowly. At last.
[Friday, Jun. 13, 2008 at 00:07]
Its coming back to me. Its slowly coming back to me.
When he tied me up I remembered with a jolt - at some point he went upstairs for a bath. I remember he was not properly dressed and I think he might have wee'd on me as I was tied up to the hoover.
I have no doubt he tied me up and that he wasn't dressed properly. I have no doubt when his wife came home she was shocked and telling him off, with agony in her face. I didn't know what agony and shock meant at that age but I knew something bad was happening and I know it was definately shock that I saw.
I think she might have tried to bribe me to cheer up with something to eat but not sure. I know I didn't eat anything.
I have a faint memory that he might have tried to get me to lick a "lollypop" while I was tied up, but am not completely sure and so he might not have.
If he wee'd in my face, is this partly why I hate water on my face when I swim? Was I even dressed? I remember it was summer and I felt sticky and hot. I have a dim thought that could be a recollection (but also might not be) that they tried to persuade me to clean up before leaving their house. They didn't let me go straight away, that is a certainty.
I remember seeing them all those years later and his face of fear, hers of anxiety. Little wonder.
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Session Two
[Tuesday, Jun. 10, 2008 at 16:58]
Just got back from today's session. Talked more "free-style" talking with eyes shut. Went throught the hate of gravel and getting into trouble for sticking up for myself at school, the farm asking if my relationship with my brother is incestuous and James implying the very same thing. I said how that at the farm I couldn't get away from their critical torment and it reminds me of that when James is shouting at me for having "done something wrong" in his eyes. I explained how I try to leave and he follows still shouting, or worse still, blocks my exit with his arm of his body. I was again told in relation to this, that it is a kind of violence as people have a right to remove themselves if they choose.
At the end he said there are beginning to be several themes now. He also said in a serious voice that my relationship shows signs of being an unhealthy one. He said he doesn't doubt there are some good things that keep me there but it does have the appearance of some trouble which is something to consider. He said people often stay in bad relationships because they fear being alone "indefinitely". I have to put my hands up to that part. But he said you can play worst case scenario to the most ridiculous degree, yet as Mark Twain said "I've worried myself through hundreds and thousands of terrible things, yet only 1 or 2 of them ever actually happened". He seems to think I could find someone else if I broadened my social network and that there isn't "the one" out there but more "the type". At the end he said he isn't there next week, which made me feel disappointed as I feel that I'm opening up pandora's box and don't really know what to do with it by myself. But when I suggested another session this week, he said he was booked up but had already thought about the same thing. I liked that he had at least thought of it because in a funny way it felt like he genuinely wants to help and the bugger of it all is that I now have to wait almost 2 1/2 weeks before my next session. That might feel like starting it from the first week again. Oh well, gives me a chance to save some of my money I suppose.
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Lots of Dreams
[Sunday, Jun. 08, 2008 at 17:07]
Lots of dreams each night this week. Actually, I believe there are more but these are only the ones I could recall. So I penned them down:
Tues 4/6/8 Dreamt I followed a staggering man in a charcoal coat onto a railway line. It was dark in the sky and he was scary as he didn�t seem in control and was therefore unpredictable. I decided to make the most of it and take macro photos of the gravel which was wet and shiny. James was at that point standing beside me with his camera and was sneakily competitive with my artistic angles. WHen I woke up I had a strong knowledge that I don�t like gravel because of the farm and that sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a scary place with James. But that I enjoyed the camera activity as it wouldn't have been the same without him there.
5/6/8 Weds I was in my bikini and Nina came up to me with a friend, complimented me on my �shapely figure� as though I�d been working out � I protested I hadn�t and then she helped me select a clean unused communal deodorant from an open locker while her friend was saying it is unhygienic to use communal ones. I protested further that I wasn�t picking a �used� one but got the distinct impression she wasn�t convinced. I woke up knowing that with everything I do, I try to "see it" through other people's eyes of either criticism or approval, for hope of gaining the latter.
Ok last night I dreamt (more about that in a minute) but the nights before (Fri) I dreamt about a patient who was behind the screens. That was ok but his penis was hanging right out, long and low like a horse. So much so that it could be seen under the curtains. 3 nurses (me in the middle) were sitting on a bench eating crisps and trying to ignore it. But suddenly he pooed and it ran all down his bed onto the floor towards the bench. We had no option but to clean him up but it got all over my hands. Next scene I was in the adjacent corridor with a man laying on the floor pooing flooding the floor, faster than I could clean it up. All I could think about was eating crisps and how that seemed confusing since I don't even like crisps much, and I kept seeing the horse style penis that I didn't want to have seen under the curtain. When I woke up the first thing I thought was of the neighbour who tied me to the hoover who somehow seemed connected. I may even have thought that in my dream but can't fully recall.
The next dream (Sat night) I was given the job to bring a little boy home to his Nan while his guardian cycled by herself. He was sweet, but I felt unnerved as I wanted to prove my worth as a child minder. As I drove past his guardian her left black shoe blew off and I had a dilemma to either pretend I didn't see it happen in case she felt she had lost face, or stop and help her. But I worried that to stop on the road might make her think I did the wrong thing so I kept going. When I arrived at the Nan's house I felt nervous of what they'd all think. The little boy had loved the journey as I'd driven really fast and he wasn't used to that, but all I could think about was what they'd say to me. Then the dream stopped, so I'll never find out! But I came away with a strong theme of getting on well with kids but fearing what adult people think of me and trying to please them all the time.
Sun night I woke having dreamt 3 dreams. 1 I was at work and somehow showed my hollywood wax by accident to the girls who asked if it hurt. I was proud they thought I was brave. 2nd dream I was looking for flowers for a present and went to Roses old shop. She was wanting to charge me �70 for the few I chose so I tried to bargain but in the end left them with her as she tried to make the prices too high. I woke up remembering how she'd sacked me. 3rdly, I dreamt I got married at the farm to James, there was no preparation, no friends invited and I could only see my Mum there. I had not even put my makeup on as I had not expected to have to get married. I was walking down the aisle with Dad and suddenly had the urge to run away but didn't allow myself to. I was thinking "this isn't what I want" as it was happening, but something paralysed me to stay put and go through with it.
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I want to be free
[Thursday, Jun. 05, 2008 at 22:11]
This is crazy, it makes me feel so weird I can not stop thinking about it all my waking moments.
I was reminded that I need to let go of control and security, then it will come to me. I don't like the idea of losing control or others may step in and try to control me, it seems an impossible thing to ask of a human. I was told told "I will get you there". That made me feel strange. Partly annoyed that I have to rely on someone and can't "got it alone" but partly that I might be able to trust someone to do good for me and actually do what they say "get me there".
I read loads about letting go of control and so much was about allowing myself to feel helpless. It makes me want to cry and I feel weak and I want to hold out and grab the rail of the swimming pool because now I am in the deep end and I can't swim well.
I know this man knows what he is talking about and that I am now on a journey and I don't know where it will take me but I want to desperately learn this new thing. I want to be free, finally.
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Dogs and memory
[Thursday, Jun. 05, 2008 at 21:39]
Excerpt from an article I jsut read:
..."We can take the responsibility to accept that what happened to us five minutes ago is no longer of any importance because that was five minutes ago and this is now. If we are holding onto the incident, we continue to hurt ourselves. What happens subsequently is important but not what happened in itself. Something happens, and it sets off a sequence of events. So let go of the bit that happened back there and deal with the bit in the sequence that is actually occurring now. The important thing is not holding on to anything any longer than it actually lasts. In reality, all we need to do is experience the learning and move on immediately".
Dogs, like my beautiful labrador Holly, have this wonderful ability. And ironic though it may seem, I want to learn it from her!
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Session One
[Tuesday, Jun. 03, 2008 at 22:39]
I went against how I felt and complied by closing my eyes (hate closing eyes in public) and "relaxing", thinking "through the years" at timelines and goals, such as 1st day at school, in a new job, etc. That part was surprisingly easy to drift into. Then I was asked about lots of 1st thoughts on random words, such as "hate, guilt, fear, drowning". I was shaking the whole time, it was 45 mins but felt like only 5. It felt strangely cleansing after though, not sure why, as they were all very negative emotions to feel. And on top of all that, I was frustrated that I knew I had felt much worse things in association with the negative words presented to me, but found it impossible to recall what they were because I have buried the memories a little too well. On ending the session, I was told that James blocking a door when I am trying to get away is a type of violence. This was news to me and it felt oddly good news to hear that, as it validated my inner gut instict and concerns. Finally, I was asked to go away and think of how James is like Dad. Initially I said he isn't at all, not even one little bit, but I was asked to think about it anyway.
Then I went round to Mum and Dad's for tea. And then came the surprise. I heard Dad chuckle just like James does, a laugh that is very real and I really warm to it. I saw how Dad likes his gadgets and like most men, so does James. But it is a particular similarity that is hard to describe. I thought about how Dad is good when on holiday, always finds somewhere to see and keeps busy. They both are work-aholics, dutiful to a fault. They are both dirty in their dress and hygiene, both on a personal level and within the home. In many ways they are unreachable, its as though you can reach your hand out and try to grasp them but they are not there and its like trying to chase a rainbow. Impossible to describe it fully but its very real. And in a strange way, in THEIR own way, they are there, but just not in the fullest sense. Both of them I seek approval of. The list is just getting longer and longer.
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Starting point.
[Tuesday, Jun. 03, 2008 at 22:20]
Its all about whats beneath the surface.
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