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11:37 p.m. - 2011-04-23 i'm leaving now, but i doubt you'll even notice. i don't want your pity or your sympathy. i don't want your broken, exhausted metaphors. you didn't want me. didn't care. please don't pretend to start now. 10:27 a.m. - 2011-03-26 you're gone. moved away. shifted again and left me before you ever found your nerve to try to prove what we had was worth preserving. it's been a day since i've heard from you or seen any of your distant notes. this is the new normal. this is what i'll start getting used to. last night i had friends over for dinner. it was a wonderful and fun night. they went home and i crumbled. i cried less than usual though so maybe i'm getting used to the loss. today i'll run errands. tonight i'm going to a charity auction with friends. i'll hope that when i get home i won't crumble and cry again. maybe i won't be alone when i walk through the door. tomorrow will feel like the end of time. the end of a year that meant so much to me. a year of lies and empty words that i'm only just now beginning to process. misled and used and thrown away without barely a thought. i'm alone. i'll get used to it. someday. the good news is that i like me and i like my friends. i'll replace the sad memories of a lost future with you with anything that makes me forget. 8:55 p.m. - 2011-03-21 i wanted to open my world to you. i shared my thoughts, my hopes, my fears and my views with you. i gave you more of my heart and body than i�d given to anyone in years. as much as i tried to keep my head level and my hopes in check, i never seemed to be able to manage to keep you at a distance. i let you in and i liked the way it felt. i never wanted to let you go. i regret that i believed you so easily. i�m sorry that i so eagerly interpreted your touches and reactions as feelings you didn�t actually share. it breaks my heart that i listened too carefully, but too selectively. half of what you say is bullshit, and it wrecks me to know that the bullshit half is what you gave to me. what i know is true beyond a shadow of a doubt is what i�ve seen, further proving your notion that actions define who you are. you jump, no leap, whenever she calls you to action. you have bent and caved so often, i wonder if you really even know what you want or who you are. you�ve let her make you whatever it is she wants you to be, whether that�s a desperately obedient puppy or a cowering fool, content to let her lead you wherever she chooses. though i know you�re gone, i find myself wondering how it happened. how she did it this time. how did she convince you to try again? how did she get you to agree that your wants don�t matter as much as hers? maybe she did it by playing to your weaknesses and reminding you of that mythical once upon a time when you had a dream of what it could be. maybe she convinced you that she wants the same things and she�s willing to work harder to show you. maybe she used some other technique designed to play to your sympathies. i�m guessing whatever she did, you now feel responsible for her happiness in a way you never did before and that�s why you�ve agreed to give up your life for her vision of you. regardless of the methods used, i know you�re gone. i can feel it already. it�s as if the connective tissue that�s fed this wondertwin connection has been severed and tied. i�ll learn to live without you and i�ll learn to forget my hopes for us. i�ll forget what it was like to fall asleep holding your hand. i�ll forget the way your skin felt to my lips when i kissed you. i�ll forget your laugh and i�ll stop thinking of you when i hear the elevator announce a visitor to my floor. i�ll stop looking for your emails and i�ll delete your phone number again. eventually, i�ll stop crying myself to sleep and i�ll get used to feeling hollow. someday i won�t think of you when i bake brownies, or buy milk, or drink root bear, or run a bath. i�ll stop seeing you in anything orange. i�ll pass street corners and not feel my breath catch for the memories. someday my couch cushion won�t hold the curve of your back. soon, i�ll have a new mattress, pillows and sheets to start fresh memories, free from the ghost of you. i won�t look for you at shows or online or anywhere, for that matter. i�ll convince myself that you weren�t real. it won�t really be that much of a stretch.
9:11 p.m. - 2011-03-17 because you taught me well. i've made my own back-up plan. thank you very much. 12:32 p.m. - 2011-03-17 4:19 p.m. - 2011-03-05 Thank you. I'll spend my time with the people who care about me and the person who wants to be with me. I won't believe in your or our possibilities anymore. I won't be bitter or cruel. I won't tell you what I know because no one deserves to feel like nothing. I've lived it with you for far too long but I still wouldn't wish it on you. Goodbye. 11:24 a.m. - 2011-03-01 maybe there is no feeling. maybe that's the reminder i've been missing. maybe that's the lesson i should be learning.
12:12 p.m. - 2011-02-26 All I can think is that today would be a phenomenal day to be fucking someone in my bed. I do appreciate the support and vocal encouragement of the masses. 10:13 p.m. - 2011-02-25 3:27 p.m. - 2011-02-25 regardless of how it happened, all of these things are clear, crystal, in a way they've not ever been. i say this with sincerity dripping from every fiber of my being, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, i hope your year continues to bring you what you need. i hope that you find a plentiful selection of questions, doubt, backward-facing stagnation, arguments, discomfort, ego-trips, self-loathing, unfinished resolutions, missed opportunities and terrible mistakes that seem to fuel and to drive you. if your melodramatic hyperbole is your source of happiness and inspiration, may you always have a limitless supply. i accepted who you are. i wanted nothing more. i loved you. it didn't matter and it never will. 6:43 a.m. - 2011-02-25 After all the worry, and all the sadness, and all the hurt feelings, somehow I've found a clarity that had been sorely lacking. Maybe it's because I know you won't ever consider me. I know that if you go looking, you won't like what you find. I know that you won't free yourself from the shackles you've constructed and continued to wear. I know that time moves on. I've given so much time, so much patience, with the hopes that someday you'd prefer a future to the stale past. I was wrong. At least I can admit that. Eyes forward. 1:20 p.m. - 2011-02-23 when i woke this morning, i couldn't decide if i'd been dreaming or sleepwalking. well, sleepsomethingotherthanwalking. i checked the drawer next to the bed (my favorite one) to confirm my suspicions. what the fuck was i doing? i don't know that's ever happened to me before. it was a perfect dream that's been making my lips curl into a smile all day. i won't describe it here, but you can check my other diary for all the details. holy fuck i wish that dream had been real. i'd like to relive it right now. and now my work day is shot. nibbling off my lipstick, trying to control the craving. 1:12 p.m. - 2011-02-23 he asked to reschedule "sometime soon" and i said ok. he said he'd let me know what his schedule looked like and what would be best. i told him that i'd let him know if i was free after he picks a day. i think he needed reminding that i'm not sitting around and waiting. i'm busy too, and i make plans however i see fit. he remembers now. he'll ask and not assume in the future. that sounds terrible, i think, but i don't mean it that way. i find it frustrating that people who make wishy-washy plans expect those of us who don't to snap to attention and coordinate our lives to fit theirs. not this time. i've been down that path before and i do not like it. you want to see me? you'd like to go out with me? great. ask. ask if i'm free and then ask when. don't tell me that you'll tell when you're free. i won't wait for that. let's make a decision together, shall we? 5:32 p.m. - 2011-02-20 ...how can i start over when i never really got a chance to try with you? an invisible year filled with more memories than i can process but they never got to breathe. you are my biggest regret. so much potential. wasted. discarded. too many lies. 5:13 p.m. - 2011-02-20 this time felt so different. you're finally single, but you're still not free. freer, you talked more. we made more plans. we talked as if things were changing and that things would happen, but you're still so trapped, it can't happen. why didn't you tell me? why didn't you mention your plans months ago, even just to tell me that you were going, that you'd bought tickets. you knew i'd ask if i had questions. but you hid it. then and now. and you wore that fucking shirt as if to flaunt the fact. the truth of the matter is that i love you and i can't change that. but your plans truly don't, and won't, involve me. your routines are too set. you're too satisfied with misery. too comfortable with being unfulfilled. why wouldn't you let me in? i only wanted to love you. i didn't want to change you or criticize you or hold you down. we could have grown together. the stitches holding my heart together were starting to lead to healing. the itching that signals repair was finally starting. now, i think my heart has finally been ripped to shreds. i've been hollowed, hurt and crushed so much in the past year. i did it for you because i thought you were worth it and i knew we were worth it. but you've left me as a nowhere nothing. once i'm emptied of tears, i'll be just a pile of rubble. the ashes that are left of me will float away. i don't have anywhere to go anyway. you were all that i wanted. 3:17 p.m. - 2011-02-18 still trying. still failing. 2 dates this weekend. 2 chances to get better. keep your fingers crossed for me. 1:27 p.m. - 2011-02-15 I hope for better dreams than this reality. 11:17 a.m. - 2011-02-15 yes, i'd like to see you. no, i'm not angry, but we should talk about what happened. somewhere, sometime, i used to be strong. i was confident and sure. that's changed now, but i think i can find it again. if i find it in my voice with you, i'll be on the right path. 10:05 a.m. - 2011-02-15 that's happening to me right now. the song isn't helping my mood or my outlook. in fact, it may be making things worse. i'm going to lose my ipod today and see if that helps. 9:15 a.m. - 2011-02-15 as i've been doing lately, i'll try to stay positive and try to stay busy. i'll occupy myself with the people and things that are presented to me. i'll try not to remember what i'm missing and i'll try not to let jealousy get the best of me. i'll try to forget that everything is wrong. 10:52 a.m. - 2011-02-14 i don't know what to think this time. i was starting to feel like things were headed in the right direction but, due to a circumstance beyond both of us, we had another road block that kept us aprt this weekend. maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. maybe i'm forcing this one to avoid thinking about the other one. maybe i should stop thinking so much. if only i could. 12:36 p.m. - 2011-02-09
10:59 p.m. - 2011-02-07 10 arrived today and it's near mint. Yes is mint, in plastic. Now, I'm just waiting for Sam Cooke and the elusive one. But I hear they're playing at Sasquatch. I may have to try and go this year. Making plans without you makes me lonelier, somehow. How is that possible when I know you're with someone else and that you don't want to be with me? Stupid brain. Start working. 9:40 a.m. - 2011-02-05 Today is #4 and I'm really going to try. Not because it takes a lot of effort, and not because I'm trying to forget someone who's already forgotten me, but because he deserves it. He deserves my time and attention. He likes me and I should pay more attention to why. 10:03 a.m. - 2011-02-04 I miss your words and I miss your voice. Being quiet because you asked me to, because you want the space. But I still miss you. I need mittens. 4:03 p.m. - 2011-02-03 well, last week's date was cancelled. rain checked, to be more accurate. this week's blizzard has made making plans a bit difficult. he suggested walking to his place last night for a movie, but i couldn't bring myself to say yes. i'm kind of afraid of what would happen if we were all alone. i said that i didn't feel like going out in the bitter cold so we just talked on the phone for a while. i'm not really sure what i'm afraid of, but it's something. i just wish i knew what it was. (i know what it is, i'm just not going to say it.) i hope that he suggests something for this weekend. i fear that if i keep saying no he'll get the wrong idea about me. 10:43 a.m. - 2011-01-31 it doesn't help a thing that i'm wearing orange today. or that i can still smell you. everywhere.
9:24 a.m. - 2011-01-31 now i'm just empty. and lost. how can you care so little? how can you pretend not to feel what we are? i am not a lie. i am not invisible. i am more than you will ever let me be. repeat. i am not a lie. i am not invisible. i am more than you will ever let me be. "and what i am to you, is not what you mean to me." "your withdrawal is a door shut too quickly 6:51 a.m. - 2011-01-24 When you said you felt alive, was that a lie, too? 8:30 a.m. - 2011-01-23 But all of these things happened: He told me a story about the helicopter that flies over your neighborhood. He lives there, too. He talked about the hardware store you mentioned. Our server's name was a reminder. We walked by the second saddest corner in the city. I got home and my bedroom was flooded with sodium vapor light. Why won't the universe let my heart forget you? 2:04 p.m. - 2011-01-22 Date night again. Let's see if the other shoe drops or if it's another night like Wednesday. Total terrification. 1:41 p.m. - 2011-01-20 i had such a lovely time with him. it's been longer than i can remember that someone, anyone, has been able to so clearly and freely say, "i like you and i want to see you again." i'm still terrified. 12:54 a.m. - 2011-01-20 And I'm terrified. 9:17 p.m. - 2011-01-18 we deserve a chance to be what we are. to breathe and to belong. if you can't come with me, if you don't want to be real, i'll start slowly packing my dreams away. i'll put them on a shelf with all of my other favorite things and try to forget every moment that meant so much. i'll always wish you happiness and i'll wish it could have been me.
11:29 a.m. - 2011-01-18 i have a date tomorrow. i hate to say that i'm excited because the last time i was excited about a date it was terrible. but, truth be told, i am excited. he is funny, a brilliant writer and, wait for the shock, he is interested in me. we've been exchanging lengthy emails for the past week and they keep getting longer as we find more similarities and common thoughts. he's said more than a few times that he's excited for our date. it's been a long time since someone has expressed feelings for me so clearly and so earnestly. my heart hurts (see previous entry) from the distance and separation that are necessary for my sanity. i'm in love and that isn't changing. however. he doesn't want me enough to make an attempt to be with me so i have to break this thought process in my head somehow. i wanted him, completely, in every way. it's a shame that i couldn't be more to him. so here we go. a new date. a new chance. i will try to silence the static in my head so that i can hear B clearly. i never got that chance so i'm going to do my best to be good to someone who cares. everyone deserves that chance, right? 11:21 a.m. - 2011-01-18 the first should sound familiar by now. i'm lost. discarded. he thinks a lot about being in a real relationship with me. he doesn't want to live in this in-between limbo state anymore. he needs to settle his accounts, take a step back to find himself and then see where we stand. but, i'm still not real. he still hasn't really changed anything, short of mentioning that he can't be physical with her anymore (and what that means is anyone's guess.) i feel love and a ridiculous swell of hope that i ride for a moment before the crash. and i always crash. he always needs to remind me of my place. so what do you do with a heart full of love when the person you love doesn't want it? 5:25 a.m. - 2011-01-18 It's a calendar. It's just another excuse. Another reason to question you. Another reason for you to react. I'm so tired of hearing about her worries and concerns. I'm so tired of being nothing. I'm not a vengeful or spiteful person. I won't, and wouldn't, do anything to disrupt your situation. You both need to be needed. You need the unrest. The act of being questioned must make you feel wanted. This unhealthy web you've built together must be exactly what you both need. It's a shame really. I was actually starting to believe that you wanted out. That you wanted to know what real happiness was. That you wanted to be with me. Wrong. Again. I'm sorry I didn't want to be your puppet master. I just wanted to love you. 9:09 a.m. - 2011-01-14 as a side note. there's another new one lurking around the corner. maybe. he's an architect. perhaps he can build some new dreams for me, or at least change the ones i have currently. then maybe he'd stand a chance with me. 9:36 a.m. - 2011-01-12 my eyes have been dangerously close to full of tears for most of the last couple months. i just wanted to love you and share things with you. i'm sorry. i'll go back to living my life without you, knowing that things will always be a little worse because i can't be with you. you'll go back to your reality, not quite living and not close to happy. what a shame. 6:16 a.m. - 2011-01-12 Back to the silence of the orange sky now. 9:22 p.m. - 2011-01-11 7:55 p.m. - 2011-01-11 Another failed experiment in letting go. Trying again. He was worse than the others but that probably isn't his fault. It's mine. My hopes were unfairly high. I'll ignore his messages for a few days then he'll know I'm serious. 3 dates was enough to know. So now I sit. Alone again. Desperately discouraged and missing the person I should be trying to forget. I don't know how I got here. I don't know how I got this deep and this lost. And this empty. I don't know how I started falling for every illusion, every semblance of truth, every promising breath. I try to remember how it began, what movement or what words led me here, but I can't. All I know is that I can't stop this ache. I can't forget, try as I have been, the touches and looks, the soft words, the deep pulls, the gentle hands and the desperate greed. I should be remembering the lies, the manipulation, the disrespect and the cheapness. After three weeks, they still pale in comparison to the love I felt. Tell me it will get better. Tell me that I won't always feel broken. Tell me someday I'll be able to give my heart and body to someone else as easily and readily as I gave them to him. Tell me that the next time it happens the person who gets me will appreciate me. Please, before I completely drown. 11:44 a.m. - 2011-01-10 Here is a song from the wrong side of town Here is a page from the emptiest stage And I thank you for bringing me here The heat and the sickliest sweet smelling sheets And I thank you for bringing me here Feels like home God send the only true friend I call mine And I thank you for bringing me here
9:43 a.m. - 2011-01-06 Cold and hollow. Welcome to another day, hoping for healing. 7:10 a.m. - 2011-01-05 Target for essentials and a few groceries, then home for dinner and a movie. I pulled out my new panini maker for the first time with amazing results. Sourdough bread, homemade aioli, provolone, gruyere, spinach, chicken, bacon and onion -- a nearly perfect sandwich. I will definitely be making those again.
10:37 a.m. - 2011-01-04 we'll see how the follow-up date goes before i share too many details. interesting. that's all i have for now. 1:57 p.m. - 2011-01-03 midway through, i woke, looked at the clock and decided i could go back to sleep for a little longer. after i fell asleep the second time, i had the most unusual dream. it was highly detailed, very specific and extremely dirty. when i woke, i had the feeling that i needed to go take a shower, or at least wash up before going any further. pleasant dreams, indeed. 11:20 a.m. - 2011-01-03 He seems excited. That's a good thing. 3:05 p.m. - 2011-01-02 In the good times and the quiet moments, I'd never felt so full, so happy and so hopeful as I did with him. I believed in what we had and what we could be so strongly. When he was cold and closed to me, I don't know that I've ever experienced a feeling quite like that. I was, and will remain, confused as to why he didn't believe in us. When we sobbed together for the breaking of us, my confusion reached a point that still sounds like static in my head. It keeps me from sleeping. I fought for us. He fought against us. Several times during the year, I had dates, and some relationships, that could have had some potential but I didn't let them. I was too taken, too emotionally involved with him to let myself see the possibility of someone else. It's a new year and I'm starting it off with a date tomorrow night. This is the first person I've met in a long time that gets through the static. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and I'm hopeful that my head stays quiet. 11:55 p.m. - 2010-12-31 9:54 a.m. - 2010-12-28 all of my parents' neighbors put luminarias lining their curbs and driveways. my parents' house and yard is quite large and this is no small task. my dad pre-loaded the bags and we walked, while he hummed carols(he always hums or whistles something), placing the bags the designated 6' apart and straightening the wicks. after all 150 bags were placed, we split up and lit all them all. i think as long as i live, i won't ever forget the memory of working in the falling snow and lighting those candles with my dad. he's such a wonderful man and he truly loves the holiday season. the soft glow of those bags made for some really beautiful pictures. it was peaceful and i'd needed that so badly. 3:47 p.m. - 2010-12-27 fuck you. we could have been something. going back over and over the tears come for you patience didn't serve me what should I have done? what should I have believed? X'ed out (we all get x'd out) 6:51 p.m. - 2010-12-25 It's a shame, really. I had just started to really like that me. 11:00 a.m. - 2010-12-25 6:08 p.m. - 2010-12-24 6:53 a.m. - 2010-12-24 from me: 11:00 p.m. - 2010-12-23 This is my new existence. "Together," you made me invisible. Apart, you've made me disappear. Soon, I'll be completely gone, less than nothing, an imaginary number. I'll be just a memory, a flash, a collection of words and hours. Perhaps. You may not remember anything at all. 12:58 p.m. - 2010-12-23 8:47 a.m. - 2010-12-23 i hope you realize how much you've meant to me and how much you will continue to mean to me. i think i've told you enough times and in enough ways that it should be pretty clear at this point. i miss you. i love you and i didn't ever want to say goodbye. we never had the chance to be what we should have been. 5:24 p.m. - 2010-12-19 I said what I had to. What I felt I had to. But I don't really want to say what I did. You don't believe that I mean what I said and you're right. How could I mean it? I don't want to end. But. You don't care about me. You haven't talked to me in days. You haven't written a thing to me. You've probably forgotten me already. I should take a page from your playbook and do the same things. I should forget what you've meant, forget what I care about and forget how I felt. I should go back to hollow. I'll keep trying. I'm nearly numb except for a painful throbbing now. Soon I'll disappear entirely. I'll prove us both wrong even if it kills me. 1:03 p.m. - 2010-12-07 tuesday. is it really just tuesday? 11:43 a.m. - 2010-12-06 party this weekend. minneapolis for popsickle next weekend. visit my parents the following weekend. nye the following weekend. and then it's over. trying to stay busy. trying to fill my time. counting the days and minutes until my birthday and a weekend celebration in nyc with my best friends. focusing on trying to ignore the pain and trying to remember to breathe through it. failing, but i'm trying to remember. 1:29 p.m. - 2010-12-02 The words get trapped in my mind So tell me when it's time to say I love you All I want is you to understand And I feel lonely for So tell me when it's time to say I love you
9:29 a.m. - 2010-12-01 3:13 p.m. - 2010-11-30 this must be what it feels like to be a yorkie or a chihuahua or some other yappy, quivering dog. i feel as if everyone can tell i'm shaking inside and my words keeps tumbling out nonsensically. i really love this buzzing. just amazing, happy, redeeming, news. i've mentioned my tendency toward hyperbole before, but I'd almost say the news is life-affirming and god damn it could not have come at a better time since my foundation is so shattered i'm not sure how to begin to repair it. my hope is that the memories, all of the memories, fade quickly. as they escape from my heart and mind and try to force themselves through my broken foundation, they'll end up stuck, filling the cracks and holes. someday i'll stand stronger for conquering yet another heartbreak, fortified with memories long forgotten and moving forward. a girl can wish, can't she? today has been a really fucking good day and i feel a little wild now. 1:01 p.m. - 2010-11-29 i dislike being left without options even more, however. that thought will push me forward. 11:16 a.m. - 2010-11-21
5:46 p.m. - 2010-11-20
6:19 a.m. - 2010-11-19 i'm looking forward to having a friend over for dinner. i've been waiting for this night for a long time, sad as it might be. more on that later...don't get too excited. 12:29 p.m. - 2010-11-18 i had a great night last night with plenty of friends and so much laughter my cheeks still kind of ache from the effort. i got my standard 3 hours of sleep and spent the other 3 writing words to no one that no one will ever read. actually, to say they were words for no one is almost too specific. they were general thoughts for the universe as i try to make sense of what's happening to me. i've always really enjoyed starting over and making a fresh run at things. in general, this is true and i've done it with great success a number of times. this time is different though. before i can do that, i have to figure out how to restore my confidence. not my self-confidence, that's ok, but my confidence in the world and the people in it. i'm so tired of lies, misrepresentations and fake displays of emotion. i'm tired of people who are too convinced of their own importance and too absorbed in their own bland lives to be mindful of the fact that they're causing damage beyond the scope of their comprehension and repair. i'm tired of having to repossess my heart from people who don't care about me, regardless of who i am and what i've done. i'm tired of being punished for caring, feeling, supporting, understanding, forgiving and loving. most of all though, i'm tired of being made to feel as if i'm so unimportant that i don't even deserve to exist. tall order, i know, but this must be done before i can shake this haze. and i'm working on it. and as a side note to no one: i won't let you break me. you can't. i'm not hollow like you are. what's inside of me and my heart makes me too strong for you to break. 9:59 a.m. - 2010-11-18 there's really nothing more to say. 6:37 a.m. - 2010-11-17 Your ideas and insight are appreciated. 2:56 p.m. - 2010-11-15 vieques island. i've been wanting to go there for a couple of years. flights are reasonable and the hotel is only 69. perfect. 2:13 p.m. - 2010-11-15 i can't decide if i want to leave the country and go someplace warm or if i'd rather stay in the States and find a cool place to go. i'll make up my mind soon enough i suppose. if it didn't cost $3,000 and 20 hours to fly there, i'd take advantage of the $49 hotel rates in the Seychelles. a dream. i'm not looking forward to this birthday. 5:53 a.m. - 2010-11-15 9:55 a.m. - 2010-11-14 i'm starting to annoy myself. this has to end soon. so i'll do laundry and re-arrange my place. big changes coming this week. i spent my morning with a pot of coffee to combat the near sleepless week i had, sorting through netflix, trying to arrange some fun surprises for me. i don't like to check my queue very often so i'm surprised when the mail comes. pathetic much? yep. that's me. 7:39 p.m. - 2010-11-13 but i did make it until 7:30 p.m. that's pretty good for me. perhaps it is progress, but it doesn't feel that way. how is trying to forget about someone the answer to stopping tears? it feels more like cowardice. 1:26 p.m. - 2010-11-13 9:10 a.m. - 2010-11-12 9:09 p.m. - 2010-11-11 (somewhere, sometime, someone has to choose me, right? has to want to be with me? is it even possible?) i've given so much of me. even if someone did choose me, is there enough left to even have value? any worth left for someone to love? i'm starting to doubt it. all of it. 4:28 p.m. - 2010-11-11 i haven't always been this way. once upon a time, i was happy, confident and excited about everything. filled with possibilities, fresh starts and new avenues, i started every day completely thankful for the warmth that filled me. that is, sadly, no longer the case. now the demons that had disappeared so long ago seem to be back with a roar and i can't do anything to stop them. i can't make myself feel the right way anymore. i will always wonder why and i can't begin to find a shred of hope to launch my life from anymore. why was i so easy to use? why did i let you take everything from me when i got so little in return? why do you insist on clinging to a false reality? why are you so happy to be unhappy and miserable? why am i letting your twisted senses tie me up? when will i stop keeping track of the hours that pass between communications from you? when will i stop thinking that you'll ever be able to explain how you could have done this to me? i was nothing but good to you. i was open. i was honest. you misled, you lied and you did it all to entertain yourself. you took all of my words and all of my actions and anything else you could grab and discarded them so easily. you kept me a secret. you made me a ghost and now you're trying to make me disappear entirely. congratulations on a job well done. you're still stuck in the same misery you were when i met you even though you know you could have found permanent relief with me. i'm sad for you, sad for me, and completely lost somehow. i have another long evening with my tears to look forward to. perhaps i'll wash the sheets and make the remainder of you and your final exit a memory. if i can find the energy to do that it would definitely be a step in the right direction. you've rid yourself of the idea of being with me and completely given yourself to the inertia that's carried you through the last 5 or 6 years. i have to let the wounds heal somehow. but, oh fuck, i didn't ever want to let you go. 4:07 p.m. - 2010-11-11 i haven't felt like this in years and i'm completely without resources to stop it. i've cried myself to sleep 3 times in the last 2 days and the rim of tears constantly resting on my lower lashes is starting to get annoying. it's like living at the water-line. one more stabbing thought and i drown. i certainly never wanted things to be this way, but you never wanted me. unless you needed distraction, that is. 1:15 p.m. - 2010-11-11 you can try to put it together and even try to use some of that nifty puzzle glue to preserve it, but you'll only be disappointed in the result. it's missing too many pieces to see the full picture. fuck. 10:54 a.m. - 2010-11-10 because i've let you discard me too many times. because i want to be with you more often than i'll ever be allowed. why was i so easy for you to let go? why does your misery mean more to you than my love? 1:12 p.m. - 2010-11-03 7:26 p.m. - 2010-10-24 At least I know the answer. I'm in a better place than before in that regard, at least. 7:11 p.m. - 2010-10-19 maybe i'm the one who is broken and stupid after all. 12:07 p.m. - 2010-10-19 I'm too picky. Too forgiving. Too understanding and way too accepting. You wouldn't think this are personality flaws, but I've been proven wrong again. Maybe it'll feel better to be alone. To grieve it all, and the loss of what it never was, slowly and privately without interruption. I'll cover my eyes for the last time tonight. 10:28 a.m. - 2010-10-18 now it's monday. here i am again hoping for a fresh week and a fresh start. it's been a little sadder than i would have liked to start the day, but that's ok. that's just the road i'm on. for now. 6:40 p.m. - 2010-10-16 Good friends, good food, good wine, good music and lots of laughs. This is exactly what I needed. The cracks are starting to fill. Slowly, but I'm hopeful. 4:15 p.m. - 2010-10-15 the ache will go away. the sadness i feel will subside. the disappointment will fade. the loneliness will fill. now. if i can just keep reminding myself of that for a few days, i'll be better soon. i'll forget what he was to me and what i never was to him will become more obvious. i'll stop my eyes from filling with tears when i remember that he isn't crying over me. first step. breathe through the pain. ignore the feeling that i'm being kicked in the chest everytime i think of his face or name. disappear. i can do it. i've done it a hundred times before. 12:36 p.m. - 2010-10-15 i was patient beyond explanation, kind beyond reason and loving beyond sanity. i gave him my time, my consideration, my heart, my thoughts, my words, my belief and my body to use however he liked. and use me, he did. most days and nights, we spent emailing, chatting, or texting with the rare phone call thrown in for good measure. 30 times we were together -- it seems like such a tiny number -- but those 30 days kept us coming back for more. i've let him treat me as if i don't matter. as if i have no value. no worth. i craved his time because i always hoped that someday he'd see. sure, he pretended to, and lately he'd gotten really, really good at it. convincing in a way that only people who are liars to the core can be. and i let my self continue to believe. today something changed. something in me has changed. finally, after all this time and all this sadness and doubt, i've found my rage. i'm fucking livid, dammit. only rage can describe how angry i am at myself for getting so wrapped up in this twisted, manipulative tangle that he calls his life. he'll never leave her because he can't. she only wants him because she doesn't know how to be without him. she doesn't have friends or social skills. she needs him in order to feel like she's in control of something so she controls every aspect of his life and personality and requires changes if what he displays are not to her liking. he needs to be needed and he needs to be chased. being her project makes him feel like she wants him, but she only wants the end diagram, not what he is. he follows along, hoping that it leads to their happiness. it never will. it never has. they were an illusion from the start but who else would have stayed around for this long except two exceptionally damaged people who need the drama of misery more than they'll ever want to be happy? i will rant about this for a few more days and then i have to be done. i've blocked him from chat and removed his online access to my world. i have to find my strength somehow and letting him continue to remind me that i'm barely human in his eyes is not the right solution. i cannot be his "more" option any longer. 6:40 p.m. - 2010-10-14 Lately, for the past few months actually, I've been so dark and down that I'm starting to scare myself. This isn't like me. I can usually shake what's ailing me in pretty short order. This time I can't. Probably the avalanche of disappointments, losses, rejections and secrets that I've been silently living through alone. I'm having trouble remembering what keeps me going. What makes me move forward. I'm forcing myself to make this list and I'll add random thoughts as they surface. 11:52 a.m. - 2010-10-14 peace and strength. peace and strength. 9:48 a.m. - 2010-10-14
7:46 p.m. - 2010-10-13 I am deeply in love with someone who doesn't love me and probably never will. Could this story be more ridiculous? First person to ever have her heart broken, right? Yay for me. Take my picture. Fuck it. Give me what you can and I'll make do. No one else gets me like you do. 9:21 a.m. - 2010-10-13 actually, that's not true. i'm also hungry. extremely hungry. i forgot to eat yesterday (which is not really the point) but i'm craving something very specific now. i think i'll be hungry for a while. 2:32 p.m. - 2010-10-12 it never ceases to amaze me that, no matter how I feel, someone always tells me i look happy. earlier this year, following a particularly harsh break up of sorts, i was hollowed and crying all the way until i met some friends for drinks. they were taking pictures and i was doing my best to smile. 3 or 4 people commented that i had the happiest face they'd ever seen and they're weren't being sarcastic. more times than i can remember, when i've felt the worst and when i'm sure that my world is crashing in, someone tells me that my face looks happy. a few weeks ago someone said that i reminded them of sunshine even when the clouds were hiding it. it just happened again. my eyes have been brimming with tears all morning and my boss just said asked me how i was and said i seemed very happy today. no. actually, i'm not. my heart is broken. my beliefs are shattered. the loneliness that has been hovering now feels like a wet blanket smothering me. i can't sleep more than 2 hours at a time. i'm exhausted and feeling physical pain over this latest split. i feel a throbbing ache drumming in my ears all the time. have i just worn this pain for so long that i'm smiling through it now? prefect. it's the world's best disguise. no one has to know that i'm an empty shell. 2:12 p.m. - 2010-10-12 seriously. how am i supposed to feel about that? it isn't as though i work less, or try less, or don't give every day my best efforts. just that the work i do and its impact on my company isn't that great. super. can i please be any less important in this world? i'm going for completely invisible. wish me luck. 6:33 a.m. - 2010-10-12 happy hopes for this tuesday morning. i have to make my legs move. somehow. 12:45 p.m. - 2010-10-11 it was a nice distraction. i should do that more often. if anything, it forces me to keep my eyes open and makes me more visible. i can't hide from people, or myself, anymore. i remember now how it felt when i faced the world with an almost confrontational air and how good that felt. i need something. my body knows what it is long before I do, usually, and this is no different. the park had a few hidden corners that tempted me to do something i haven't done in a while. i can usually restrain myself in public places, preferring the privacy of my house or office. today though, the temptation won. the wetness won. a few minutes later i was panting and heading back to work on wobbly legs. i can think of better ways to spend a lunch break, but not many. 11:18 a.m. - 2010-10-11 but i don't want to. i want the way i feel with him. i want the chances i never got. i want the weekend trips and vacations and movies and dinners and quiet afternoons. i want to ring in the new year in his arms. a new year. a new start. a new chance to fight for what we've found and and to never let go. 10:22 p.m. - 2010-10-10 8:16 p.m. - 2010-10-10 i want what I want. my breath in your hair 10:45 p.m. - 2010-10-09 why can't i stop thinking about you? surely i'm the furthest thing from your mind tonight. 8:08 a.m. - 2010-10-09 4:56 p.m. - 2010-10-08 the best disguise I have these days. 3:32 p.m. - 2010-10-08 i would have said more. i would have done more. i would have paid more attention to every moment, every breath and every detail. i want to do it again. and again. again. 10:25 a.m. - 2010-10-08 because routine is not love because you'll never be right. because there will always be something else that needs to change. because people need love, support and nurturing to grow. because the lack of love support and nurturing leads to stunted growth, resentment and dullness. because it's gone on for far too long. makes perfect sense, right? of course it does, but nothing will change. that is, until the next required behavior modification and then you'll change. briefly. on the surface, just to show your obedience. just to go along to avoid further discussions. and you'll get further and further from who you know you are and you'll continue to lose sight of what you need to be happy. and the fantastic person you are gets chipped away. again. more. I hate what you're doing to yourself. I hate what you're doing to me. withsilence, I go. It shouldn't have ended this way. you'll never know how amazing you are. 8:56 a.m. - 2010-10-08 peace and strength why can't i get a little of that? any of that? i'd settle for 3 of 6, or 2 of 6. actually, even 1 of them would be a start. 10:13 p.m. - 2010-10-06 Is it desperately sad, or just moderately so, that I now find myself waiting around for a killing blow rather than a faint glimmer of hope/happiness/concern/insert impossibility here? Why does every fiber of my being continue to shout to keep fighting? Keep going. Maybe it's just my heart screaming for its life. Again. 9:03 a.m. - 2010-10-06 here we go again. and today, my feet are cold. that never happens. oddities continue. 3:35 p.m. - 2010-10-05 i really do try to avoid hyperbole. i doesn't help anything and it seems only to make me feel worse. however... i feel like i'm drowning in a salt marsh. i'm crying so often that it feels like the tears are soaking through my cheeks and in to my mouth. my lungs feel so hollow i can't manage anything more than short gasps for breath. i know i have to move on, to forget, to ignore, to resist, but i can't seem to get that message to my heart yet. i'm stuck in this place. alone. change. please. 4:01 p.m. - 2010-10-04 I cried myself to sleep, but this is nothing new. I've fallen asleep with a tear-soaked pillow more in the past few months than I care to recall. It's gotten to be a bad habit of sorts. It's oddly comforting to feel the wetness against my cheek as my eyes hollow nightly. Last night, I woke to "the dream," as I do a few times per week. It's more fantasy than dream with impossible, improbable situations. The participants are always the same: him, me and a faceless man. The details change slightly but the ending is always the same. As the final scenes play out in the dream, I begin to wake and find my hand in my panties, exploring the wetness the dream brings. Sometimes, depending how turned on I am by the vivid qualities of this fantasy, I stay awake until I've cum 2 or 3 times. Sometimes I try to re-create the physical experiences of what I'm dreaming, which is no easy task. Sometimes I draw out the feelings slowly, adding my own additional elements of torment, until I'm moaning and rocking myself back into oblivion. I try to exhaust myself with pleasure so I pass out from the pleasure of it all, trying to avoid more tears. I always fail. I return to sleep tingling, crying, aching for him. Hoping to sleep the night through someday. 11:11 a.m. - 2010-10-04 11:06 a.m. - 2010-10-04 i'm counting on the coffee to keep my eyes open and to fortify my body so that it stays erect and doesn't crumble. i can't cry now. i have to work. tonight, in my haunted house, i can let go. re-christen the rooms with fresh tears as i've done so many times before. 9:17 p.m. - 2010-10-03 The rooms are haunted. Salt-stained and gray. Just one word echoing through my bones.
1:59 p.m. - 2010-10-03 In the end, as it was in the beginning, you'll never see the truth in these words. They're meaningless to you and forever useless to me. I throw them out to anyone and everyone. Is it too much to ask for a little understanding? 1:26 p.m. - 2010-10-03 � |