2011-07-26
trepidatious: feeling trepidation; apprehensive.
this donut shop is driving me crazy. every day i wake up and ask myself if it is over. i find myself feeling lost, and looking around in thousands of different directions to find something to hold onto before i am swept away. it isn't just the physical exhaustion, which makes me fatigued nearly every hour of the day and lethargic while i am working, but it is the mental and emotion abuse it has put me through. my family has suffered; i don't feel like life will ever be the same again. and it makes me bitter and vengeful. i am angry at my father for letting this happen, and for my sister for making me angrier than i already am, but also myself for believing that this would be anything different than what it is. i have to force myself to enjoy things, and i am afraid that i will lose the ability to enjoy things at all. i'm scared, lonely, overwhelmed, unmotivated and disheartened. but worst of all, i am often lacking any hope at all.
but i find that thinking about it too much makes me dwell, and my dwelling is often to such an extreme that i can't think straight for a week and i'm consumed with fear and anxiety. so i guess i will look forward to the changes that will come in the following month.
and worst of all, i've fallen into an old habit of remorseful, regretful reminiscing, taking me back to the one love i can never escape, who never loved me back, and who turned his back on me when i had entirely invested all hope into him. i try not to, but i think my emotional strain and utter fragility has forced me into this horrific pattern that i thought i had come to terms with, and forgotten. i think about him more than ever. i try to immortalize him in little way that i hope no one notices. and most of them don't. but the one person who really knows me notices, i think. she doesn't say anything but she asks me odd questions, which is her subtle way of telling me to stop it, and that she knows what i'm doing. in any case, i have yet to consciously force myself to stop, because it has just seemed to difficult. but i fear that if i don't force myself, i never will stop.
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