DiaryLand members area

Yep ... the sucky part about making life better is that first you have to really accept and deal with the fact that some of it sucks. But it's worth it : ).

from zencelt :

You know, I wish you lived down here so you could go to the Tantric Meditation class with me. It's really helping me to open up and be kind to myself and have faith in my heart. Kisses!

from zencelt :

OK. Hooking up with some villiany looking guys might be worth the trip...

from zencelt :

You are so darned cute sometimes...

from zencelt :

Baby, I'd follow anywhere. (Bwhahahaha) Just kidding. Sure. I'd read another journal. And, the punctuation/grammer thing doesn't bother me at all, so this entry was no easier to read than your others. Good stuff though!

from zencelt :

Hugs and smooches.

from zencelt :

Hmmm. 23 is a long way from 19. The kid is no longer a kid. So why not? Her daddy might have other thoughts... Bwahahaah.

from zencelt :

I believe that Terry is possibly one of the "great" women of our lifetime. One of those women who have truly lived and have survived to tell about it. The Amelia Earhart of English Grammer. You are alucky, lucky boy to have made that first contact. I know that there are a few activities that you want to take part in, such as music, teaching, etc. I know for sure that you are a good teacher. You've taught me several things, not the least of which is how to hook up my DVD player... Long distance no less. Just try not to over commit. You are also thinking about music, you have a job to do, and house and cars to fix up... Maybe you have to choose a passion, and stick with it. If it doesn't work out, you can always pick the others back up.

from zencelt :

"yet somehow we're reminded that falling is the only way we fly" I really love that... Kisses!

from zencelt :

Dude - buy some frickin' wood.

from sixweasels :

Dude, I will totally help you with the resume and stuff for the friends discount of nothing. I'm a little rusty so I could use the practice, and if you do land your dream job and get rich you can send me a bonus then : ).

from sixweasels :

Glad you're feeling a bit better! I'll be at The Bar on New Years Eve, of course. Not sure what's up for the Zenster yet - when we talked yesterday she was sick. Drunk dialing it is!

from sixweasels :

Well, "happy holidays" just sounds like a ridiculously dumbass thing to say here, so how about just "hugs" instead. I wish it was better, and believe it will be.

from zencelt :

You alive? Don't make me come out there again!

from polly-esther :

Matt was on Wellbutrin a few years ago and it really helped him. I hope it works for you...hugs.

from zencelt :

Sorry you're feeling like crap. Hope the new meds do the trick... Kisses!

from zencelt :

Nothing wrong with taking a break from the self-improvement gig. Give it a rest. See where it takes you.

from zencelt :

Sounds like someone has been watching your house... I wonder what she had to say? In any case, I think you were right to feel put out, and right to tell her so. You have nothing to lose but yourself. Stay true and you'll be just fine. Oh, and I think the girls at the massage place would be OK with you sitting in the space to feel it out. It's just the sort of thing they'd get. But make sure you're feeling it. Maybe on a calmer, more open day. Oh, and you can probably schedule a half massage, if you're not sure about the long, full body work yet. You can just have them do upper body work only, or just lay on your stomach and have them work on your back/legs. I used to do that when funds were a problem, or I only had limited time. You can also see if they do a clothed chair massage, where they work on your back and neck while you sit in special chair. It's actually really good for back, shoulder and neck work. Then you can build-up to a full body hot stone later on. Kisses!

from sixweasels :

I'm playing catch-up here. I'm glad to see you're both stepping out of your comfort zone and listening to your intuition. As for whether you should see if you could go and "just sit" and how Amy would feel about that, I'm kinda thinking go for it. Maybe that's because I'm thinking the kind of people you want to connect with will "get" that need, and not judge or be put off by it ...

from zencelt :

85 bucks is super cheap for that legnth of hot stone massage! I'm totally coming back! Like this weekend! (OK, maybe not, but man...) Amy sounds nice. So does the pharmacy girl. Did you smile at them? Something worked...

from polly-esther :

I think it's great that you went outside your comfort zone like that. Who knows what will happen? You'll never know if you don't try -- trite as that sounds, it's true. BTW, the hot stone therapy is supposed to be really good. I've never had it done, but I've interviewed massage therapists and I've written about it. Go for it.

from zencelt :

Well, I think all the girls who read you will breathe a sigh of relief that you're writing off the wee beeotch. We are all knowing... About girls anyway. Hey, send me the name of that sci-fi author you read. I need some new books. I just read Twilight, which was a really good, fluffy read. It's a movie now I think. Oh, and best of luck with the meds trials. It'll be a relief when you finally find something that works for you. What a frustrating experience. Kisses!

from zencelt :

Dude, remember how when I came up and invaded your home and life, I said one of the reasons I did that was because I wanted you to be more than just an internet friend? It's funny. A couple weeks before I came up, I was talking to my yoga friend about you, and my upcoming vacation, and she pointed out that every time I referred to you, I pointed or looked at my computer. LOL!!! I hate that sometimes...

from polly-esther :

Hmm, my comment might be one of the ones you're referring to. I'm sorry -- I tend to have an immature sense of humor. And don't worry, I'm not easily offended! I know you're working through some stuff now, so just know that I'm here listening, even though I don't comment very often. :)

from zencelt :

Don't you wish you could have selective memory lapses and forget all about the petty, attention whoring little bitch? I have a couple exes I wish I could remove from long term memory. I'd tell you to go take a candle, take a bubble bath, and read a filthy dirty romance novel tonight and forget about it all, but I guess that might not work for you. Maybe think about burning something she left behind as a way of banishing her hurtful behaviors from your life? Kisses!

from polly-esther :

Fuck her. It's funny how she spelled aside as "asside." ASSide. Hahaha!

from zencelt :

Hey! I'd put on my match making boots for you, but you really have to want to have a relationship for that. I'm very good you know... Kisses, baby! Give M a huge kiss for me.

from zencelt :

I like what you said about making changes in order to prepare for someone... It's clear you're doing it for yourself, and not for someone in particular. So that's cool. Maybe instead of thinking in terms of perfection, or perfection for you, or body types, all that stuff - you could just clear the air inside and see what comes. Stop thinking. Just be. I think that's what got me on the right track this time. Too bad about the garage door BTW. I thought my plan was brilliant. I may not be a redneck, but I've seen how a lot of them operate. Sometimes they actually succeed! Ah well. Oh. And I totally know what you mean by having human contact in your own space. Someone to share the couch with, eat breakfast with, torment... I myself got spoiled during my stay up there, and I'm feeling the lack of good, cozy company. We'll have to do that again soon. Maybe some time this winter when I won't be in danger of being snowed in. Not that would be a totally bad thing, but the cops might find me at the bottom of the pond if I get on your nerves after being cooped up... LOL! Kisses, baby!

from zencelt :

You have to admit that the weight bench set is pretty impressive... Hey, if you buy the car now, you can save on the exhaust for the truck. And if you do a redneck insulation job on your old garage door (maybe tack up some of that fluffy insulation like people put in their attics?), you can save on that too. And with all that insulation, you'll save on firewood. Or maybe I'm just full of shit... I dunno. Kisses, baby!

from zencelt :

Maybe you should start looking at the quality of your friends. They seem like they might be a little flaky... Or maybe they have the memories of elephants and hold grudges for your youthful neglect? I'm banking on flaky though. Which is not entirely bad -- you'll just have to learn to be more tolerent of them. BTW - The music thing sounds awesome! I hope you guys follow through and write a song together...

from zencelt :

You're only allowed to go to Germany if I can come visit. It's the only good thing about having friends who live so far away. Cool tarot reading BTW. It really fits. Maybe things are looking up? Kisses!

from sixweasels :

I'm so glad you got some Zen-time ... it really is good for the soul. Hugs.

from polly-esther :

I saw your request and so I thought I'd answer. I think you are honest, sensitive, smart, funny, kind, self-aware, responsible. Sometimes I just want to tell you that I think you'd benefit greatly from being on an antidepressant. I like you so much and I have for a long time, and it's tough to see you so sad when I believe you are a wonderful person who deserves to be happy. And about Dawn, this guy is probably a rebound. A lot of people handle breakups this way. You seemed happy to see her go, and maybe you need to remind yourself why you asked her to leave in the first place. She wrote those TRITE postings on a site that you also visit, so she was clearly meaning for you to read them and be hurt. She just sounds like a really lame person and I hope you see she's not worth your energy. Is Brandon a janitor? If so, he'd have no problem with her! :)

from zencelt :

I'm not worried, Dude. Go ahead and stew in it. And if you're still down when I get there next week, I'll just throw you down and nibble you into submission. Trust me. I'm a professional. BTW - do you have a hair dryer? I don't want to pack one if you've got one there...

from zencelt :

I never did like that girl... How's the head this morning?

from polly-esther :

I'm sorry I've been so out of touch. I'm reading, like I have been for so long, but most of the time I feel like what I have to offer won't matter much. Reading this entry, though, I wonder if she knew you'd be reading her posts? She could just be trying to hurt you. And, a lot of people jump right into impetuous relationships after breaking up with someone who mattered, so that could be what's happening. Just keep thinking about how she might be leaving messes at somebody else's place and how much you detested that...

from zencelt :

Nevermind. You probably have a new #, don't you? This sucks...

from zencelt :

Shit! I have no idea what's going on. I don't have anybody blocked, that I know of... And I didn't get your last one either. I'm dyin' here! Help! Anyway, I'll give you a call tonight just to touch base. Kisses!

from sixweasels :

Hey ... I just emailed you Shan's cell #, although she probably already gave it to you by now! I didn't realize I had a text from you until I read your diary entry. Long story short, my phone is a piece of crap!

from zencelt :

P.S. I love John Denver...

from zencelt :

Dude~ I check my email every morning, and I have received zero emails from you. I wonder what gives? You are sending to .hotmail.com, right?

from zencelt :

I keep a bottle of Lysol on my desk at work. And I threated to spray sick people with it.

from zencelt :

Hey there! I feel so strongly sometimes that we are twins who were separated at birth. I too am trying to find motivation to work out and look good, when there doesn't seeem to be a point, because I don't see a reason to in my near future. I mean, I look around, and all the cool guys are hooked up, and the ones who aren't - aren't lookin' at me. Of course that could me because my belly resembles the more volumenous statues of Buddha. Which means I should work out and eat right to get rid of some of it (because I want to keep some. I think a little belly is cute...). And then I think that I should have the body I want to look at in the mirror, fuck everyone else! Then I'm scared, because when I am 50 lbs lighter, I tend to get A LOT of attention that I don't know what to do with. A mess, no? Anyway, kisses! Oh, and I WILL show up on your doorstep unannounced if we don't get together and make plans... I need MichiP quality time. And some booze...

from zencelt :

But you're a cute little fucker... LOL! Seriously, wow! That was a hell of a Tarot reading. Reinforces a lot of what you're thinking and doing. You know, giving up on old crushes might mean you're in for new ones. When I come up, we'll take you out and about and see what you've been missing. We might even find you a new fuck buddy to keep you warm through the winter : ) And if we don't succeed, we'll just get rediculously drunk and laugh till we puke...

from sixweasels :

You aren't a fucker : ). At least you care enough about yourself and those around you to try to understand yourself and your feelings and what you want. So many don't bother. Hugs.

from sixweasels :

Dude ... I have a lot of 'em, but I've been stewing in a steaming pile of work poop and can't seem to form them coherently. I will though, and in the meantime I am hearing you, and relating to a lot of what you say and questioning some things and wishing you well every day. Big giant hugs.

from sixweasels :

Awww ...hugs. I could give you a lot of 'chin up' and all that but sometimes just hugs are better, and somehow I think today might be one of those days.

from zencelt :

Wow! Its like you stepped into the way back machine... Sounds like Jamie is doing well, with that cool chef job. And, yes, I do remember Michelle. How could I not? You've never drooled quite so much over any other woman in the years I've known you.

from zencelt :

Just dropping by to say hi! Hope the suckage goes away soon.

from zencelt :

(wink, nod) Yes, my friend. Chicago is still on the table. Perhaps September? I'll go online and see what kind of goodies my frequent stay and flier miles can get me. Woo hoo! Man eating lions, here I come!

from sixweasels :

Isn't it funny how the same thing (feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-esteem) when younger can lead to such different perspectives? But its all the same thing - you try to recapture a youth you didn't get to experience and I try to pull away from it because I have a preconceived notion of "older people" as less obsessed with physical image and popularity and all the stuff that made me feel "less-than." And I adore the term "fluffy!"

from zencelt :

Hey! What's going on with your car? Or is it that you have your eye on a new one? It had better be serious since you're dissing Six and I ... I'm still looking to spend some time in Chicago, but I keep getting foiled by work travel. I hate it when work gets in the way of my social and educational pursuits! Oh, on the Dawn thing, you seem a bit lighter in spirit, and so does she, from what you wrote. So it looks like a good decision all around. Kisses!

from sixweasels :

The people at your work suck, plain and simple. That's just inconsiderate and obnoxious. I've been meaning to write you an email recently and haven't had the chance ...I've been too mired in general insanity : ). Big hugs.

from sixweasels :

I'm good in late July and early Aug - sounds like Aug would be the best for the Zenster though! Who knows, it hasn't been scheduled yet, but your visit might coincide with the annual summer A-hole party (the time frame is right)!

from zencelt :

I'm in Alabama from July 24-28. Otherwise I'm open. I'll leave the blind date to Six though. I haven't been down there enough to know who's around. And my single friends are definately not you type ;) I'm so psyched you're coming down to Bawlmer!

from zencelt :

I am more than ever convinced that we are twins. I'm so envious of you, taking this shit on. I don't have the guts right now. Kisses!

from sixweasels :

You're working through some really tough stuff - I'm proud of you.

from polly-esther :

Why are you so stunned? I happen to think you're a great guy and I'd never give up on you!

from zencelt :

I wish I had heard my phone last night, because I was just laying in bed staring at shadows on the wall. It would have been good to hear your voice.

from sixweasels :

Of course we still reading. We care, even when we (I) don't know what to say other than that I wish it was easier.

from polly-esther :

Oh hip. HUGS. I actually wrote an entry for you yesterday, if you're still reading...

from zencelt :

Hey sweetpea! Sounds like you're in a bit of a muddle. Don't you hate it when things are so clearly right on both sides of the fence? I'm sending lots of hugs and kisses your way. I'll even throw in little tongue action. How's that for supportive?

from sixweasels :

Dude!! 1. Yay for a trip out our way. I'll have your updated assholian membership card waiting : ). 2. You've got so much going on I don't know where to begin. But hang in there and keep working through figuring out where you wanna go. Hugs.

from zencelt :

Smooches!

from zencelt :

Hey sweetpea! I wish I had known you were sick. I would have come up and kept you warm :)) Right... I'm rooting for a huge raise with a promotion. Lord knows you're brilliant and they need you.

from sixweasels :

Ugh ... sounds like that was one nasty case of food poisoning. Yeah, I've been known to drink milk when my stomach's upset, but only the fully leaded stuff. Never tried skim. Milk and Coke are my upset stomach staples, but not at the same time : ). Keep getting better!

from sixweasels :

Keep the updates coming, you. Glad you're pulling through a mire a bit!

from polly-esther :

Hmmm. It would really annoy me to be living with someone who doesn't clean up after themselves, especially when you've said something to her about it. But the stuff you brought up sounds like they're symptoms of a larger issue. From what you said she sounds sort of like a freeloader, even though she did express guilt about the expensive drinks. And if you aren't even being intimate with her, what's the point in putting up with all of this? Maybe you should have a serious talk with her about everything and let her know things have to change or some decisions need to be made (i.e. you ask her to move out in 30 days or something.) Good luck! Keep us posted.

from zencelt :

Sounds like it time for you to go trolling... Not in the Halloween sense, but, you know, for women. Kisses!

from sixweasels :

You had me fooled - I would have guessed you as an "I" instead of an "E" and probably "F" instead of "T." But I had the N and the P pegged : ). Anyone else reading this probably things I'm talking in some sort of strange computer-geek code or something!

from sixweasels :

1. If nakedity wasn't a word before, it is now, because it rocks. 2. Yeah, my old phone died on me back in late spring, and since the contract was almost up anyhow and Lee was using a really crappy service we just went and got new phones and plan. Send me a note (sixweasels@yahoo) with your email addy (it's been so long I've lost that too, dammit) and I'll send ya the #. I meant to get it from Zen when she was here, but too much happy wine makes Six a stupid girl.

from sixweasels :

I shoulda known you'd make an appearance on Pirate Day! How the heck are ya?

from zencelt :

Hi! (Waving emphatically from my couch...)

from zencelt :

Cool! A moped! I received an invite from my gym MGR for afree training session. I think he's afraid I'll die without ever setting foot in again. The thing is, I don't know what I want him to train me to do???

from doublew :

Hey! Sorry for being such an asshole and disappearing for so long. Let's just say I've been, well, isolating myself for no good reason. But of course I don't mind giving you my PW. Shoot me an e-mail at [email protected] and we'll do the exchange. It's good to hear from you again.

from zencelt :

Awww, do you need kisses to make it all better? Smooch, smooch.

from zencelt :

Hey- what's the name of your exercise blog? I can't find it. Hiya, BTW!

from cosmiccow :

Heya. It's been a long time...just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing. How's everything? ~Shann

from zencelt :

Its all fun and games until someone ends up at Betty Ford for a white induced eating disorder like Ashley Olsen...

from sixweasels :

Dude, you know I'm the last to judge or think differently of you. That doesn't mean I won't worry or hope that you're extremely careful, because I've seen people start down that road and not be able to find their way back. Hugs.

from polly-esther :

Hmmm, well, no judgment here because I've been there (if you're talking about what I think you're talking about, seven letters?). Just be careful. I stopped it before I left Philly five years ago but if I'd stayed there, my life would be much different now. It's only fun for a short time. Know your limits.

from zencelt :

Woo hoo! The good Karma is finally coming your way. Awesome. I need some of that. Or at least a plan (I know, I keep saying that, just like you and writing here...). I'm hoping that my job will give me a bonus, or some sort of hefty raise, because I look at my budget, and it sucks. But I'm living within it, so its not all bad. I think its just the first time I haven't used my credit cards to pad my salary - so to speak. Anyway, I miss you! I'll have to give you a ring soon.

from zencelt :

(blowing rasbberries at you, just because...)

from zencelt :

52 my ass Birthday Boy... Hey I was thinking about you today. Fargo was on TV. It always reminds me of you. Must be the funny accent. Kisses!

from sixweasels :

Happy Birthday, you!

from zencelt :

(Making squishy faces at you...)

from sixweasels :

Maybe we could become pirates and then write a book about it : ). Check out this version of the personality test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp. They don't seem to have the real Keirsey or Myers-Briggs online anymore, but this one seems pretty good. My results matched the ones I got when I took the real version in the counseling office I worked in years ago, anyway. It's fun - let me know what your type turns out to be - I have a guess but I'm not tellin' till you take it (I always try to type-guess my friends and have about an 80% correct rate so far).

from zencelt :

Heh???

from sixweasels :

awwwwww ... I had to say it : ). Come to think of it, I spent a hell of a lot of time in Uradipshit too. I think it does count as it's own country, or planet, even!

from sixweasels :

I don't know what to say except for how sorry I am that you and Dawn had to go through this. I know I can't begin to imagine how hard it was for either of you, but I do know that your true friends won't judge you for knowing this. And you did what you could have to prevent it - I don't think many who are on what is supposed to be a "no fail" birth control med would take extra precautions with a partner they knew was STD-free. And you took your share of the responsibility and decision-making and most importantly gave Dawn the love and support she needed and let her know you'd be there either way, whatever your own. feelings. Not much else to say other than that I care and I hope you're both okay.

from sixweasels :

Did you learn something from it, or might you want to capture it so when you need a reminder of your own strengths all you have to do is read it? If so, then yeah, it's worth writing about even if you (and really, because) you did get through it.

from polly-esther :

It sucks that you can't be honest in your own diary. I don't think anyone here will judge you. It might feel good to get it all out...

from zencelt :

Kisses, hugs, and a big, swift kick in the ass. And yes, I changed my mind. You do suck after all. Bwahahah! I'm around if you wanna call. I already think you're an asshole.

from sixweasels :

I miss your updates, but I also know that feeling of removal from it all and guarding certain things in the deck close to your heart. Hope that whatever you're holding back, you're still doing well.

from sixweasels :

Wow - I'm happy for you! Sounds like things are working out in your world : ).

from polly-esther :

Hey, cool! It sounds like you're really excited about this new development! I hope it works out. :)

from zencelt :

When did you change your thingamabob on your profile? I just noticed... Anyway, the poetry is changing just as you are. Not in any great measure, but softly, subtly. Its almost as if you wrote it in third person, but used first person language. Slightly detached, yet personal. Transitional, yet hesitant. Lovely.

from polly-esther :

Oh, i'm so so sorry! Poor little girl...

from zencelt :

I admire your courage to help out your kitty cat. I'll send some soothing, accepting cosmic energy to you two.

from zencelt :

Mwah! ; ))

from zencelt :

You. Are. So. Fucking. Evil. What a blast though! Sounds like a good woman to incorporate into your little harem. And nice to see you breaking out of your teeny, tiny, little girl rut ; ) See ya!

from zencelt :

Hi. Me again. Your groupie it seems ; ) I'm so sorry your kitty has to go soon. She's a lucky cat to have you as a friend. You're the kind of friend I'd want to take care of me if I were in her situation. I'd certainly do the same, but your attitude is so much healthier. I have some work to do around that...

from zencelt :

(((x hugs and kisses x))) I know Exactly how you feel. There came a time in my life when I just had to surrender. Surrender to stregnth I don't have, surrender to an image I had built, surrender to my need to share so I don't feel so fucking alone in my pain. Believe it or not, it actually makes you stronger, and better able to be there when someone you care about needs you. Its hard to be intimate with someone who doesn't trust you their own experience.

from zencelt :

Are you ticklish?

from zencelt :

My darling boy. If the situation were reversed, you would no doubt tell me to tell her to go fuck herself. No amount of hot is worth that amount of heaping, steamy shit.

from zencelt :

I drove (no exaggeration) through a foot of snow, backroads complete with dips and hills, 20 miles home one day. And I did this in my 91, black, all the bells and whistles Honda Prelude. Mu guess is it might do better than your truck in the snow. Those things are beasts in the snow.

from zencelt :

During our conversation (ahem...) a couple weeks ago, you had mentioned a chick you met at a neighborhood bar/restaurant place you drifted into.

from zencelt :

Would this be the young lady you met a couple weeks ago?

from zencelt :

Call me, ya shithead! I miss you! Yeah, yeah, I know. Equal opportunity. But seriously, we have to hook up.

from sixweasels :

Dude, just start the conversation with "hey asshole" ... I'll take it from there. But I know what you mean about not knowing what to say. I've had a hard time updating lately myself.

from zencelt :

Just thinking out loud.

from zencelt :

Hmmmm...

from sixweasels :

Hey, you. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you while you've got all this crappy crap going on. We'll have to catch up soon. Hugs.

from zencelt :

Fuck is right, dude. That totally sucks ass.

from sixweasels :

You, my friend, have been quite perceptive in your last few guestbook signings. Yep, I was running from the house. I'm not now, and I'm proud of that, even if it is in part just because Daddy promised to help me : ). And yes, I'm sure part of the reason I find nothing but fucked-up losers is that I'm giving a screwhead vibe off myself at the moment. In fact, since I hate hurting other people even more than I hate being hurt, I probably intentionally only respond to people I can sense are more messed up in the head than me, and then I still have the idiocy to wonder why I go down this road. Finally, a word of warning. A Saturday night drunk dial from the Assholian St. Pat's party could be in your future. So don't answer the phone if you're doing anything kinky that you don't want interrupted : ).

from zencelt :

I am afraid of being love and happy. Because I don't serve it. I mean, I do. I know I do. But my built in response to happiness is that it isn't meant for me. But I'm doing it anyway come hell or high water. No amount of boogers are going to keep me from the pursuit. I'm gonna get laid, I'm gonna have fun, and if I fall in love in the process, I'm just have to deal with all the Ebola, Bird Flu and whatever other bio-hazardous diseases my brain wants to conjure up to defeat my heart's desires. So there! Thanks for leaving note a few days ago. It really helped.

from zencelt :

Good call. I know that the timing is self-defeating. The sad thing is that I thought I had that behavior pretty well under control. I have a tendency to get sick around events and holidays, such as New Years. Any suggestions?

from zencelt :

Hey! We have the same color hair!!! I'm way cuter though... (Per that test I stole from you, I understand that I'm a narcissistic, vain creature, so you'll have to excuse the narcissistic, vain comment...)

from sixweasels :

I don't think it's necessarily weird that you feel that way. Dawn is a part of your everyday world, and close to you. Of course you'd miss her more than a relative you don't consider yourself close to. It doesn't mean any disrespect or callousness to your grandfather or your family, it's just how we humans are.

from zencelt :

Hugs -n- kisses.

from zencelt :

Extraordinary poem. Very unique and well written. On the imagery, though,...GEEK!

from zencelt :

Whatevah...

from sixweasels :

I think a plain old "thanks" says what you want to say more than no reply at all. It says "you're in my life like a stranger, and I'll be civil, but that's it."

from zencelt :

Toss it in a large body of water and let it become part of an underwater ecosystem. Salt water, in particular is very cleansing and healing. Maybe a trip to the ocean is in order?

from sixweasels :

Just wanted to drop by and say happy friggin' New Year. Hope life is treating you well. Hugs.

from zencelt :

Gimme a call when you're up to a serious conversation. I've been working on the same issues as you for a while, and I have some things to share with you. I'd also like to give you some insight in to the perceptions people have of you. And make sure you check your email. Goober!

from polly-esther :

you can buy a flask and fill it at home before you go out and just keep it in your pocket. you can order plain seltzer and add the liquor to it or just drink it from the flask.

from zencelt :

When faced with a similar situation, I replay this mantra in my head: "Its not good. Its not bad. It just is." There are things that happen that have nothing to do with us, or what we've done. Sometimes stuff just gets breaks. I'm sending you all my stay warm and equipped mojo.

from zencelt :

Told ya it was good...

from zencelt :

Hey, you know, I was just looking at your newer pics of the piercings. They look cool, but maybe your body is rejecting them because they are messing with your chi. Maybe your body is telling you that you don't need them.

from sixweasels :

Of course you're right. I like the Charlie Brown Christmas tree analogy. Or maybe, so frickin' what, I'm not a martini ... I'm a jagerbomb. I think you gotta go through this "I suck" phase to get where you need to be - and I've been lucky enough to get this damn old without ever going there. It sucks, but it could suck a lot worse.

from zencelt :

On that guest book entry - I'm smoking a cyber cigarrette...

from zencelt :

Now that felt more like you. Earthy, pensive, cool to the touch, but warm inside.

from batten :

thanks! Yay! now I get emailed Calvin and Hobbes. Hey, still can't get to your journal. Send email to [email protected] with pwords and stuff... hope you're doing okay. -J

from zencelt :

You bet your ass you owed me a phone call. Thanks for setting me straight on the girlies.

from zencelt :

Happy T-Day Baby!

from zencelt :

Mine works, and I saw the pics. You'll have to tell me which chick is which. I think I picked out Michelle, but I was not sure about Dawn or Jamie.

from batten :

I didn't get an email from you so nope... Hope you're okay. -J

from polly-esther :

Hey! Not to be a pain, but the pw you gave me doesn't work! I entered my diary name and the pw you gave me and it rejected it. Hmmmm...I'll keep trying other combos, but if I did it wrong let me know!

from sixweasels :

I keep meaning to tell you I never did get the password email - don't make me pout, whine, kick and scream.

from polly-esther :

are you ok?

from batten :

Hey? Locked? Dude, that's really harsh. Are you okay? Send up flares or we call out the national guard of Assholia... Hope all is well. Big hug. -J

from sixweasels :

Hey, what's with the lockdown? Everything okay?

from zencelt :

Hmmm. I'd say you didn't fully connect to the feelings that inspired the poem. It seemed void of you. Just words strung together.

from zencelt :

How's my boy? I was going to call you this morning, but figured that whether you were at home in bed or in a ditch, the ring tone would split your head in two, so I refrained. Gimme a call when you're feeling up to it.

from polly-esther :

Did you say forearm piercings? WTF?! Is that a new thing or something?

from zencelt :

When I get back, I want to have a nice, long convo with you about positive thoughts and self-healing. I know you have some great ideas on the subject. Take care!

from sixweasels :

I think it's all about who you tell. You're right, some sharing of goals is nothing more than an energy drain that puts you off-center. But in some rare cases, in the right place at the right time, sharing your goals and plans puts things out there, makes them real, and actually doubles the energy around what you want to do. Just my pre-cruise two cents : ).

from zencelt :

I wanted to call you tonight to wish you luck in the games, but damn! I'm phoneless til tomorrow afternoon. I'll send some good vibes Jamie's way to help her sort things out and do what's best for her.

from zencelt :

I'm a big fan of suffering. Let that boulder roll all the way to the bottom of the hill, suffer till you think you'll die of it. Only then will you achieve enlightenment, and be free from the regressive/anti-social moods that haunt you.

from zencelt :

Was that last bit directed at me you little ho?

from sixweasels :

Dude, that last note was actually Zen typing while my account was up, but she's got a point : ) ...

from sixweasels :

Dude - TMI - and in poetic verse???

from zencelt :

BTW - I called you before I read your last entry. Sorry for the perky message when you were feeling sad. I dislike perky people when sad. How about a nice cyber cuddle?

from polly-esther :

That's amazing. She really does sound psychic.

from sixweasels :

I don't think any of that sounds weird ... fascinating, disturbing, but not weird. Then again, no one ever said I was normal either : ).

from zencelt :

I think you've hit upon something...

from zencelt :

Alright Sweetpea. Having seen you, I feel certain that you need no metabolism enhancing supplements to get you booty back into the gym. You look good. If you want to be stronger, more cut, etc, just get your fine ass out of the clubs and into the gym on a regular basis. Dedicate at least 8 hours to sleep, and maybe eat healthy stuff to build your body naturally. Oh, and maybe you should take the weekend off and go fishing or something to get out of your new routine, and get a restful break from girls, non-sleepishness, alcohol and loud music. That's what I plan to do this weekend. ; )))

from polly-esther :

No reason, I was just wondering. That's cool.

from zencelt :

(Smiling and waving from the east coast...)

from polly-esther :

Do Jamie and Dawn know about each other?

from zencelt :

MMMMMMwaaahhh! Enjoy the sensations. I hope you're pleased...

from zencelt :

Be expecting a wee giftie on your doorstep soon : ))

from sixweasels :

Didn't realize we got married the same year. October 28th would be my 10th.

from batten :

Are we not like the phoenix? Rising from the ashes of past loves and lives? Isn't there pain in the re-birth? Coming back to life after what has been done to us is the best kind of revenge.

from batten :

Ha! I've been reading you and I know better... Besides, if we don't feel pain, then how can we feel pleasure? (wry grin)

from zencelt :

Oh God that was WEATHER PORN... Its so hot and humid here : (((

from zencelt :

It seems the universe is agreeing with me. Makes me feel very powerful.

from zencelt :

Well now. You see, no matter what you say, and how you feel, the heart does exactly what it wants to regardless what the brain hears/wants. I'm sure they aren't doing it on purpose. It might even be against their will. Because of your extreme openness, you can be very intensely intimate right off the bat, emotionally and physically (ya hoowah). Seems like you've come to a crossroads here buddy. Do you continue your relationships with multiple women, who have very real feelings at stake, while professing that you want nothing to do with committment. Or do you put their needs before yours, and back off and seek your experiences elsewhere. It seems that your options are wide open. I don't think you'd be alone for long. This could get really ugly BTW... If they come after you with torches and pitchforks, you are welcome to hide out on my futon for a few days ;)

from zencelt :

Oh yeah? Well, I had eight men in kilts flash me and rub their nicely bare bottoms on my thighs... And one 6'3 biker with striking tatoos. Beat that!

from polly-esther :

It's getting hard keeping all these women straight! It seems like you're crazy about all of them! Good for you -- I'm glad you're having fun.

from sixweasels :

Bwahahahaha! Baltimoran Asshole Mojo is evil! You have been cursed. The only cure is to show up in Maryland in a kilt. You have been warned. Otherwise, you'll be a slut forever. (As if THAT's gonna scare you ...)

from sixweasels :

I've always said that The Bar is the center of Asshole Mojo. Spend a little time with us and you're an instead freak magnet. Could be you picked up some mojo while you were in town, de-assholified it, and turned it into something that works for you!. P.S. You little slut!

from zencelt :

Hey, I just noticed you changed your write up. It sure does seem that everyone hates you (crossing eyes and sticking tongue out...) you little slut!

from sixweasels :

On a roll, huh? That's the understatement of the year : ). Glad you're having so much fun!

from zencelt :

I have boogers now. Are you happy? Ugggh. Whenever you want to show up in engineer boots and kilt would be much appreciated.

from sixweasels :

Okay, this is turning into a sitcom. Hurry up with the next update!

from zencelt :

I think you are in for a treat tonight. Crossing my fingers that you don't make an ass out of yourself, and that they still think you're hot even if you do ; )

from zencelt :

You are sooo entertaining.

from sixweasels :

I'm starting to be a little bit proud of me too : ). And one of the reasons we like you so much is because you ARE weird. Normal people suck.

from zencelt :

That wasn't even worth popping corn over...

from zencelt :

Hi. Its me, your groupie so it seems. I'm going to start buying popcorn and sour gummy worms to munch while reading your entries. This is getting juicy...

from zencelt :

There's probably a place out in Nevada (or Arizona???) where you could legally get paid for being yourself, er, a whore. :) And Jamie sounds like a spontaneous kinda girl who would probably find many things entertaining, even watching your ass as you throw balls down an alley. (Completely intended.) We'll talk about the whole turning into a hermit when you feel dark thing and how it may affect relationships later. I have lots to say about that. You probably knew that already though ;)

from zencelt :

That's why I never picked up a self-help book. I wanted all my learning/healing to come from within instead of from external sources. I didn't want to be influenced. I'd had enough of that. My therapist is really good at picking things out of me and helping guide my deepest thoughts/feelings to come to the surface, instead of infusing me with theories, theologies, philosophies or his own personal experience. He only brings such things into play when he sees that I need reassurance, or if they will help me to put my own experiences into perspective. So, I bury my nose in dirty historical romance novels, fluffy fiction, movies with hot men and other things that make me happy.

from zencelt :

Oh my god, my first laugh of the day!!! Dueling proverbs...

from zencelt :

Here's your Chinese proverb for the day. "One's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions." And if you want the handy numbers that go along: 15,19,20,30,38,50.

from sixweasels :

Good lord, darlin', I have no clue. I was with the same guy for 15 years. But I'll let you know which side of that fence I end up on if I ever even think about dating again.

from polly-esther :

that's awesome...i'm glad you had such a great time with her.

from zencelt :

(((huge clingy hugs)))

from zencelt :

Open for business, eh? In more ways than one I see (uh hem...) I will NEVER let you forget you said YUMMINESS. Ever. Its good to have you back my man.

from zencelt :

That was some mad brilliant poetry. Gorgeous, stormy.

from sixweasels :

As someone who spends way too much time in bars surrounded by the kind of guys who randomly decide someone is gay (and WHY should they care, anyway??), a dick, etc, I'd have to vote for the intimidation factor. You've got the presence of someone who just is who he is or feels like being at the moment, and who doesn't care what others think about it. You aren't afraid to show a little sensitivity if you're feeling it, or demonstrate that your brain is capable of processing much more than the set of breasts that just walked by. When you talk to people, you're obviously trying to learn as much about what's inside their heads as what they'd look like naked or how they'd do in a brawl. Bar rat guys seem to like that less and less the more they drink. So next time it happens, if it does, just say "yeah, and you know what, I STILL wouldn't do you." Or better yet, just ignore them.

from zencelt :

I totally take that back. I wanna be an ice pop after this past weekend. Where do I sign up?

from zencelt :

If I wanted to be a ice pop, I'd be happy to come up and hang wit ya. But I value my toes and fingers too much. Maybe you'll find some cool people at the gym to hang with. You can drink protein smoothies and talk about abs while looking in the mirror...

from sixweasels :

I haven't had much to say, but I've been reading all of your entries lately and taking bits and pieces away with me to ponder over when I'm capable of saying/thinking more than 4-letter words. And that stuff about things being what we make them? All true. Not the easiest thing to admit, but very, very true.

from zencelt :

Wow. Your hallway and my SUVs from the dream sound the same. (Hearing Twilight Zone Music). Number 1 - Great big huge hug. Number 2 - Drugs are bad. They give you an artificial view of what's in your head. And eventually, they eat your brain cells so you are unable to meditate anymore. And then there's our heart and liver... AND they deaden your emotions. That would suck. Meditation alone can get you where you want to go. I believe there is nothing written or in pill form that can guide you through your own mind. Just keep pressing against the walls and they will expand. I have more to say, but a friend kept me on the phone way too late tonight. More hugs, and sweet dreams! Oh, and maybe a ritual of some sort will help clear the negative energy in your house. Maybe your cell phone will even work. Need some holy water?

from zencelt :

Sorry I missed you last night. I was in the middle of the weirdest nightmare about being in a huge, dark, marble crypt that resembled a gothic church inside, with endless cathedral ceilings and extreme creepiness. I was able to fly, which was cool, but I was using my skills to hide from someone evil. Going between the slats of the marble intricate supports that spanned from ceiling to floor. A phone call froma cute boy would have made all the creepiness go away. I did manage to fall back to sleep and resist going back into the dream, which was cool. Then I started another one, but I don't remember it. I do recall it was not a nightmare though. Anyway, hope to hear from you soon.

from zencelt :

So, you're a dumb, horney bastard today. LOL! I want to try those things you posted. Maybe when I get home so I won't feel like such a slacker... Its been one of slow, lazy days.

from sixweasels :

Where I'm at right now, I'm the first to admit I don't know shit when it comes to this stuff. But I do know that those in my life who are always starting and ending relationships, knowing when they go in that they're just biding time or something is missing, seem just as lonely and sometimes lonlier than those who watch and wait, or who approach things more the way you seem to. From where I sit, you're someone who has his head and his heart in the right place. At least you KNOW what you're feeling. Most people just stick their heads in the sand or drown it all out with lots of noise and mindless entertainment.

from zencelt :

Go check your email.

from zencelt :

I LOVE corporate bullshit and giving myself "opposite of intention" karma. Maybe there's something to sitting quietly with your annoyance and getting to the root of it (far beneath the trigger). And, golf? I'll never type cast again... At least not you. You have so many facets a person could get lost in them.

from zencelt :

Yeah, you popped into my head when I wrote that last bit.

from sixweasels :

I can't begin to tell you how much that last entry spoke to me right now. In some ways I feel like I'm just setting foot on a road you and Zen have traveled for a while, and while it scares the ever-lovin' fuck out of me most of the time, I listen to her and read things like what you wrote and think maybe it can be done. Thanks for being you.

from zencelt :

Beautiful entry. BTW- I also picked up Dyer's Manifest Your Destiny, because it "spoke" to me at the bookstore. Thanks for the author recommendation. And the wisdom not to lead me to a particular book based on your own experience. I like the way you think :)

from sixweasels :

Once achieved, Assholian status is never revoked. Non-drunks are always welcome. Sometimes, I'm even one myself : ).

from zencelt :

We SO need to talk. I know you'd be good for a chat about inner peace and happiness and how they are achieved. I read your poem, which was as usual, brilliant, but I disagree. You ready?

from zencelt :

OK. Now I know I've gotten a bad rep with you. Not even a voice mail message. I promise to call you this weekend. I'm not going anywhere due to the knee situation, so I'm sure to be wanting some asshole interaction. (Yep, that's you. An official Asshole.)

from zencelt :

Check out the email I sent you. You should be able to find plenty of items to suit your tastes. In fact, I'm finding its much more you than me ;)

from sixweasels :

I'll make sure to have the fondlers lined up the next time you're in town! How could I have forgotten about the man-feet phobia talk? Hey, every girl has her quirks! I'll remind you of Sis's full name the next time I email, and be sure to pass along the message too. In the meantime, stock up on sandals. Glad you enjoyed Assholia. And I meant what I said, you ARE an Assholian now.

from zencelt :

Hey you big sweet hottie! (I can say that now that I've seen you, and almost felt you up, but didn't, because I got all drunk and forgot. Or did I? Damnit! Bad hostess!) I got there from a link in your diary today. I spent the majority of the day reading through the archives I hadn't made it to. I've been to All Poetry before and loved your words and how you string them together, but don't remember when/how. Gee, probably from your diary, then I forgot because I'm a dizzy biotch. Then again, I just flipped though your pics again too, and didn't see any leather. My brain can be pretty damned creative. I must have imagined you wearing chaps because chaps are cool and they look like they belong on you. Hey, it must be cool to get so many looks out of one face. I look the same no matter what I do. Kind of Amish on Rumschpringa. Oh yeah, how's your ass?

from zencelt :

I was surfing through some of your older stuff, and found a neat entry with quoted material from Kent Nerburn on loneliness. I copied and pasted it into Word then printed it out for my Bookstore Friend. I think he'll get something out of it. So its cool that you posted it. BTW - I don't know how I was so dense, but I never realized that you are the poet Tornasunder. Dayam!

from janene :

Did you know that September 19 is "International Talk Like A Pirate Day?" Arrrr, check out the website, if ye dare! Thar be some jolly good pirate games to play, if yer feelin' smart. www.talklikeapirate.com

from zencelt :

OK, I get it. I went to mine yesterday to get my card and everything, and got one book. And it isn't really very good. I have them a list of books that I've seen recommended on D-land and they are going to try to find them for me. We'll see how that works.

from zencelt :

Fuck the library? Dude!

from sixweasels :

What Zen said is true, my friend. All of us have our quirks and weirdness, and none of us are what I'd call normal in this world. The best we can do is find those folks who share some of the weirdnesses that make us unique. I for one think the guy I read here is someone I - and many of my friends - would enjoy spending time with very much, and I already consider you a friend.

from zencelt :

A girl's opinion forthcoming => I think the fact that you have no training, no preconceived notions, no real life expectations of what man should be/do is wonderful. You simply are what you are. Get comfy with that, and the right ladies will notice.

from bitchslap69 :

great googily moogily! that's a looong survey!

from zencelt :

On your entry about the little lady - ditto on Bitchslap. The guy sounds like he's either a mental nightmare or really mean. If you really like the lady, go for it, knowing that the guy will be a pain in the ass. AND, if she seems to get off on the attention from the other guy, dump her like a hot potato. My two pesos...

from bitchslap69 :

i don't know about leaving her alone, but i'd damn sure leave him the hell alone!

from sixweasels :

You know, I'm jealous sometimes too when I read your poetry. I can spout off for pages and pages and pages when I'm in fiction mode almost without breathing sometimes, but I can't write a poem to save my life.

from sixweasels :

You actually read the "balti-morans" thing right! It is a running joke in this city to call ourselves that instead of "Baltimoreans" or whatever the correct wording would be. Shouldn't being a Baltimoran and an Assholian be everyone's goal in life - heh!

from zencelt :

Yay! You'll be in town! I'll have to make sure I get down there when you come to visit.

from sixweasels :

Yep - I'll be in town over the 4th. If you're thinking you'll be in our neck of the woods, let me know and we'll definitely make sure we get you to The Bar! Oh, and I was reading your entry about the German. It doesn't sound to me like you've grown "less attached" to humanity or anything like that. When we beat our heads against the same brick wall long enough, we eventually realize it hurts. You've gone down this road with him before, and you've tried to give advice and support every which way you can think of. Its perfectly normal to not be too sad, or maybe even be a bit relieved, that he's not getting in touch with you so you can do it all again. Doesn't mean you don't care - just means you need a break from it.

from bitchslap69 :

don't you just love the facade website? i use the tarot site most often; it's been awhile since i cast the runes, but the whole site is way cool and it's free, so that's best of all. it sounds like you are really getting into the meditative / contemplative side of life. i think it's good to slow it down and really think about where life is taking us. good luck on your journey!

from zencelt :

Hiya sweetie! While I've missed your entries, I'm glad you're finding external stimuli to keep you entertained. Seems like everyone is doing the karaoke thing lately. Have fun!

from zencelt :

Your entry today was so charming. I can see that you've delved into the abyss of getting to know yourself just like I have been doing for the past year or so. Like Buddha said, there is no enlightenment without suffering. So maybe the introspection is worth all the agony. Its hard work, but an adventure too. Hey, you and Sixweasels are opposites. When she gets the snifles, she binges on beer and is right as rain the next day. Whodathunk?

from gothique :

I don't suppose you'd be open to hearing someone say (or reading someone write...wait...that sounds wierd - lol), that perhaps now would be a fine time to visit thy local physician? As adept as thou may be in the practice of healing thyself, thy physician has knowledge regarding remedies to help ease thy suffering and cause a great opening of thy sinuses. :: I felt like using the king's english today and now I remember why I don't do it that often...man, it's exhausting! ::

from polly-esther :

I think that would be a great thing to do. I'd make it short and just say you're writing to let her know she made a major difference in processing the loss of your son, and you just wanted to say thank you. Something like that. Maybe also say there's no need for her to respond, you just wanted her to know that she really helped you.

from bitchslap69 :

i would definitely let her know. it will probably make her feel good to know she had a positive effect on you, even though it wasn't destined to work between y'all. people need to know that the positive interactions they have with others make differences in their lives. i'm glad that your perspective has changed for the better re the death of your son. i can't even imagine going through something like that; the pain must be unimaginable, especially at first. now that you have worked through the grief, you have growth.

from bitchslap69 :

i gotta know - wtf is silvia divinorum?! it sounds like an excellent porn name!

from sixweasels :

I'm an asshole! I LOVE that song! But of course, you probably could have guessed that.

from rickscafe :

I don't want to sound cliche...I can relate to a lot of what you have written. May I suggest, that if you wan things to be different, try doing somehtng different. Or did that sound completely shallow?

from sixweasels :

I can see why it would be hard to give up on this, but you've been doing so well with listening to your heart. Listen to it on this one too. Maybe you'll be freeing up time and energy to be pursuing those dreams you're seeing just around the bend ...

from teena79 :

"fake it till you really believe it..." I love it x

from bitchslap69 :

welcome back!

from sixweasels :

I'm so glad I made the first cut ... I really would have missed reading you! I think this fresh start is a great idea.

from polly-esther :

hi, hip...glad to see you're back!

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