to start, i've noticed some people have me linked in their sites. and i'd like to thank those people who have done so. i really appreciate it. if i had the slightest clue of html, i'd gladly return the gesture. so i'd like to show my gratitude by saying thanks.
now if i didn't say anything right away about that, i would have forgotten, and then felt like a rotten bitch after i've shut down my comp.
...............................................
lastnight i had some fucked up dream. it really freaked me out. lately i've been having a hard time putting two and two together. something's logged in my pretty little head, that's keeping things from being fully processed.
in my dream i was pregnant. i was expecting quintuplets. mind you, i did not look like a beached whale. i looked like i was going to have just one kid. and i remember hating the whole experience. i did not like being pregnant. nor did i like it when i had to give birth.
they just popped right out. with no messy bloody placenta, or anything icky gross like that. in my dream i had given birth to a little girl with dark hair, and a bald baby boy. and with that, i had to give them away to their rightful parents. because i was giving birth to other people's babies. none were mine. and after the baby boy was born, i asked about the others. why weren't they coming out? some strange women said to me, it would happen in a little while.
so i had to change and clean up bald baby boy. and i was completely not maternal about the whole thing. i didn't want to have anything to do with the kid.
after i had given birth to him, my tummy went flat. and then i felt a twinge of pain, and my tummy started growing again. i felt another child growing inside of me. another that would not be mine.
and all these "legal guardians" were there to see their babies, which i had given birth to.
i felt disgusted. empty. like i didn't even exist. i was a popping baby machine. i didn't want to be there, i didn't want to have these children, but there was nothing i could do to stop it.
i remember looking in the crib at the first two babies, and then handing the baby girl to her parents. the baby boy's parents were not there, and one of the strange women told me i had to carry him and take care of him in the meantime. so i carried him in my arms and walked to the screen door of my house (this took place in some home with features of my house), i opened the screen door to get air, and a flashing moment came to my head.
throw the baby to street.
but i walked backed inside and made someone else hold him.
i woke up in time to not have all 5 babies. it freaked me out.
i just kept thinking about what i had told mike at dinner.
conversation came up about our friends starting to get married and kids.. and the whole domino effect. and for some bizarre reason, when we go out together, children seem to flock to us. they come up to our table, and place their little findings, or play the walking by glance. we're just surrounded by kids.. everywhere.
and then i said:
-i've always worked with kids. always. the longer i work with them, the less i want them. on a regular working day, i deal with about 50-60 children. and their parents! and the more stories i hear from parents, the more i hear about pregnancies and labors, the more i see doody clogged toilets, the more often i pick up retainers from the floor, smell sticky children, get sneezed or coughed on, get sick every 2 weeks, see nose pickers dig for treasure and then eat it, or wipe it somewhere after offering a tissue, the slower my biological clock ticks. but other wise, i'm great with kids!-
of course we laughed.
hey! don't get me wrong, the family thing is great, so is spending the rest of your life with someone you found to be your better half, but kids... i need coaxing.
i told pete, right now, it's about me... right now i feel like being a little selfish. if i can't organize my own life, what makes anyone think i could organize theirs. really. he's all about the whole family children package. i said give me about 7 years, then we'll see. he said all he needs is 3. i said good luck.
so when we spoke, and he spelled the beans about all that mushiness, he said for now we're just friends.
exactly.
and that's the way it's staying.
all though he wasn't thrilled when i told him i was happy that mike stopped by my job and surprised me.
i've known pete for about 8 years. i know. i didn't want to tell him, but i had to tell someone, and just lastweek, he was listening to me whine and complain about mike.
ugh!
i'm going off tangent.
whatever... point is.. i'm obviously not mommy material.
11:14 p.m. - 2001-03-20
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