madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- July 16th, 2001 Another Monday weigh-in come and gone. Although it shows no weight loss, I actually did lose 3/4's of a pound. I always round down though, so I can�t �officially� post a loss. Surprisingly, I�m not bummed, since I lost 4 pounds last week. And for the most part, I did exercise and eat right last week. What I am bummed about is my hair loss. Today I looked in the mirror and my scalp is officially visible. I honestly feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. There is no amount of combing-over that can be done to disguise my hair loss. Its there, for all the world to see. And I just feel so angry and depressed about it. I see Hence, I don�t have much else to say today. I can�t think of anything uplifting or motivational or funny. So I�ll catch you all tomorrow, when I�m hopefully having a better day.
July 17th, 2001 For those of you not on my notify list, you didn�t see a Monday post. Only those on my notify list got my post for yesterday - because my website was inaccessible for most of the day. So... the moral of the story is this. JOIN MY NOTIFY LIST!! What will you get with this incredible offer? First, you will get notified each and every time I update my journal! Secondly, you may be privy to knowledge or information otherwise not available to the general public. This would include, but not be limited to, the instance which occurred yesterday, silly little comments added to my e-mails, personal tidbits not posted in regular journal entries like my bowel movement theory... Lastly, let us not forget the free set of Ginzu steak knives that slice through a tin can and still dice a tomato with each notification addition. (Offer not valid on any days ending with the letter �y�) So, what are you waiting for JOIN now!! To catch you all up, I didn�t lose a damn pound yesterday. Yes, this is the first time this has ever happened to me so far. And dammit if I was determined NOT to be pissed about it and let it ruin my day.....but, alas, it did. I read and listen to people talk about the scales not ruining their efforts, and it all makes sense in my head. But putting it into practice is a much more difficult thing. Last week when my hero, Fred, posted his first gain on his site, I didn�t feel like he was a failure. My head said, �I hope Fred�s not too upset about it, because its probably just water or something.� So, the question is, why the hell can�t I do that with myself?? I am, after all, PMS�ing hardcore!! When it comes to me, I�m totally irrational and I fall back on my emotions to deal with things. Take last night for example. Last night I ate a sensible dinner and was feeling generally okay, when I started to let my mind settle on the numbers on the scale. Why? WHY?? I demanded to know!! I was getting angrier and just starting to really steam about not losing any weight. I got up off the couch, passing a mirror, and got a glimpse of my scalp through my thinning hair. Let�s just say it sent me through the roof. The thought of my hair falling out and me having no control over that just doused my small flame and turned it into a bonfire! I just said FUCK IT - I�m going to be bald, I don�t care if I�m fat. Then I scarfed down 3 tbsp of chocolate chips, 2 tbsp of coconut, a slice of bread w/butter & honey, washed it all down with a gulp of milk (from my husband�s 2% instead of my skim) and went to bed. Doesn�t seem like that much? My little emotional feast totaled 400 calories!! I tossed and turned and ignored the dull ache in my stomach, and tried to imagine living a normal, happy life being bald. Actually, I tried to imagine myself half-way bald, because that�s more likely what�s going to happen. I tried to imagine being skinny and bald. I tried to imagine feeling good and happy and bald. The picture never really came into clear focus. So I drifted off into a fitful sleep, interrupted only by the loud thoughts in my head and nightmares which startled me awake again and again. Emotional eating. It�s a sin. It�s a battle. I don�t know why sometimes I give in and sometimes I don�t. In the beginning, it was so hard not to turn to food as my comforting tool. I had used it for so long. But now, I know better. I know to walk away from situations that will trigger my old habits. I�ve been doing this for 7 months now and I think I have a pretty decent handle on it. So I just wonder why I still resort to emotional eating from time to time? I was just going to blather on about my hair loss some more...but I deleted it. (Two paragraphs of blathering) I decided you guys don�t need to hear about that stuff and that�s not why you are here. I spent some time earlier today reading over my first few weeks of journal entries. They were much more eloquent an powerful than my entries these days. Part of the reason is that its getting busier at work and I�m being continually interrupted when writing. Imagine that, being interrupted by WORK at WORK!! What a concept!? (hey, gimme a break. I used to work at a slave-driving-ulcer inducing-hell hole of a job) I hope that all of you are still finding something interesting here. Any suggestions? Put them into the suggestion box - here. 12:30 p.m. - July 16th, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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