minnie-lee's Diaryland Diary
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there's beauty in the breakdown...
you can't fill this hole that i have, and i can't fill yours. and forever more we will be hurting eachother unintentionally, to fill our holes. everytime it comes up, you not protecting me, or your parents thinking a certain way of you, we will both be choosing ourselves, our own best interests over eachother's. and that's why i think there's no
middle-point to come to. we don't have a choice in this. that's just how it happens to be.
i don't know of any other ways to repair this to the degree that we can have a normal relationship and still be open with eachother, because in the back of our minds we will always be thinking that when it comes down to the real important issues, that the other person doesn't have our back.
and we won't be able to trust eachother enough to be open and vulnerable and honest, which is what any good relationship needs more than anything
else. it will come out crooked sexually that we don't fully trust eachother, and it's bound to come out in other ways, which i can't think of right now specifically.
i can't be mad at you for this thing with your parents. it's just how it is. i even understand how important it is to you to have them on your
side and why. i hope you aren't mad at me for taking care of myself first, because no one else will do it for me if i don't do it for myself. if i didn't do what i did, no magnificent being from heaven would have swooped down and rescued me out of it. i even thought maybe my dad would protect me from it by asking him to say hello to your dad when he dropped you off.
my mom had already told him what had happened with your parents. i thought in my fantasy that he'd go up to the car and shake hands with your dad and somehow telepathically or through body language or through speech, would make your dad know that i was worth protecting.
of course, that didn't happen. all that happened was your dad saw mine yelling at the dogs in his sweatpants. and i felt so completely alone.
i'm sorry to cause you weirdness and discomfort with your family. and i'm sorry to have made you feel crazy because of me. i'm sorry to take myself
away from you like i said i'd never do. i'm sorry that this is ending, but i'm so happy we spent the time like we did. i will never forget this experience for the rest of my life, how i came light years further than i ever have before, and how as a result of that, i got the chance to feel something so big and full and true. there's parts of me that want to
see you still but i think i know now that it's not possible the way we both want it.
i will never be the thing your parents want for you. and even if i am that thing, they will never realize it on their own enough to accept me as a part of your family. and this fact puts you in the position where
you have to make a choice by default. i know you can't choose me, even though i want you to. i know why you have to choose them. i don't blame you
at all. i just wish this whole situation were different. because somewhere in my mind i thought that it was possible to work through anything with you, but i had no idea, i couldn't have even pictured this. there was no way for me to know it was coming.
i don't think i can love you if you won't protect me. that's so hard for me to say, and that's so much my issue, that i can't even expect you to deal with that kind of an ultimatum. i need to work on that part, the part i thought was gone when i realized i needed a lumberjack my whole life. i thought i had erased that feeling altogether, i was really wrong. i erased the part of me that needed it all the time, but this whole thing made me realize that i still require a person to protect me in situations
that make me extremely anxious. it'd be better if i knew how to do that myself. i'm sorry i put that kind of pressure on you. it's what i thought i wouldn't do. i'm so sorry to do this to you. because of this, the whole thing is crumbling.
i know you will be okay and i will too. i don't think people really get to experience what we did, even if it was for such a short time. i don't want you to think it's your fault because it's neither of our faults. we just haven't developed all of our parts yet enough to bring the whole package to another person. or maybe it's just that we're not compatible in this one instance. otherwise, we really are i think.
i don't know what else to say.
6:19 p.m. - 2006-01-04
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