It has been one week since my husband committed suicide. I�m still sick to my stomach. Today was my first day back at work. It�s hard when everyone wants to come up to you and they think they are making you feel better by telling you they are there for you blah blah blah, but really they are just making it worse by bringing it back up. I don�t want to talk about it or think about it. I want to throw myself into my work and forget out it for a few hours. I�m so sick of people asking me questions about everything. I just want to be left alone to deal with things in my own way, on my own time, in my own terms.
Just because most people in my situation, having witnessed my husband put a gun in his mouth, might need �help�. I�m fine. Maybe it�s my military training, I�ve been conditioned to witness death. Stop asking me about my financial situation. I will figure things out on my own accord. In my mind I have it mapped out and I know things will work out for me as they always have in the past. If I�m not worried about it no one else should be either.
It�s hard me though sometimes. I went to KFC yesterday and there was this happy couple in front of me, holding hands. Made me think of John. That would be us. Now I have no one to hold my hand while I wait in line. I went grocery shopping yesterday to pick up a few things, then I got home and realized I had only one garbage bag left. Normally I would ask him to stop on his way home and pick up some, but now there is no one to call. I have to take out my own garbage � I don�t even know what days the garbage comes. And remember to bring in the can also. Who is going to guide me with my financial decisions that he was always so good at? Little things that I guess we take for granted. That�s what they always say, �you never know what you have till it�s gone.� But you never fully understand what the true meaning of that saying entails until it happens. Who really appreciates that their husband takes out the trash? No one really� But now I can fully appreciate just how much I took that for granted. Taking out the trash of all things!
I�ve been forcing myself not to think about it too much and I�m not allowing myself to cry. Mostly because I don�t want to break down in front of anyone because everyone things I�m a strong person. I know I can�t do it in front of my son. But one day I know I will be home alone and it will hit me and I will probably fall apart. I cried so much more when my mom died 9 years ago. I don�t know how it is that I have the strength to hold back my emotions so much easier now. Maybe it�s age, or life that has made me this way? Was her death an experience that has helped me to adapt to this type of event? I�m surprised because this death has been so much more stressful than hers. His family and Jazmyn�s mother has been so cruel to me, I�m sure any other person would be in a mental facility right now.
I just keep telling myself that just like David, karma will rear it�s ugly head and the deserving people will get what they deserve three times fold. It�s very hard to be the bigger person that everyone expects me to be when they are being so evil. Of course I want to lash out and take matters into my own hands. But I know that I can�t.
Thursday I have an appointment with the Social Security Admin. to see about my claims. They have filled 3 for me. They say I am too young to quality for widow benefits, but they did one similar, a lump sum amount, and benefits for Jordan. Because since we were married for more than 9 months, legally Jordan is considered John�s step-son. Here�s crossing my fingers that everything works out!
2:24 p.m. - 2006-12-11
Recent entries:
Single - 2011-09-27
Hurt - 2011-06-25
Put a fork in it - 2010-04-19
Trying to hard??? - 2010-04-18
Invisible - 2010-04-15
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