it seems strange that dland has no clue what my last two months have been like. But I haven't written. I wish I would have, it would have been more fun that way. I actually started an entry but didn't feel right posting it. I'm going to be as general as I can because I don't like sharing details about something sensitive that involves someone else.
I reunited with a previous acquaintance. I invited her out to lunch after going to the Unitarian church. We hit it off. We were so compatible in so many ways. We started dating. It was really very friendly at first (in fact, looking back she didn't even think of them as dates). it was extremely difficult for me at first but I eventually was able to make a move or two and we ended up in a very romantic relationship. I can't tell you how good it felt to love and be loved. She would say how much she appreciated how affectionate I was. Maybe she didn't realize how long I had waited for this. I think we need more affection in our world. I wish it wasn't so hard to come by. We continued to date and it was so nice. So many special wonderful moments. So many pure and loving romantic moments where time seemed to stand still. The intimate talking after waves of affection, me being all zen and romantic about this and that, talking about things like beauty and mystery and nature. I had waited so long for this and I was pleasantly surprised that I felt like I was good at it.
And then I overheard her talking about kids, just casually in conversation. She is 9 years older than me. I had somehow assumed she wasn't the type to want kids. At this point I was being super protective with my heart so I wouldn't end up falling for someone I couldn't have... so I brought it up. I know, you're probably thinking it would be stupid to have this conversation so early (at this point about 3-4 wks into dating) but I didn't want to fall more in love if it couldn't work out. I don't want kids, especially right now. Maybe, and that's a big maybe, 5 - 10 years from now, but not now. And most likely not then either. So I told her. And we thought we were broken up. But we ended up back in each others arms and then kissing again. We pretended the conversation hadn't happened and had an amazing evening together. It was so passionate but also bittersweet. Then we had a little miscommunication. I couldn't hardly sleep and was physically sick so I had to cancel our date planned for the next evening. I said I needed a week to think about the kid thing since I wasn't about to throw this away without careful consideration. But I was real emotional and probably didn't say it right, because she took it as a break up.
I had forgotten how much love can hurt physically. I felt like I had the flu. Couldn't eat, had a lot of trouble sleeping. Had no energy. To do anything seemed to require energy I didn't have. Long story short, I stayed firm on my no kids stance but she didn't want to call it quits so early because of this, not knowing what the future would hold anyway. So after 1 week of great physical stress, we were back together.
The dating continued and was really good for awhile. Another 3 - 4 wks went by. I'm not going to go into details, but it started to look like things might not work out. I was pretty devastated and so was she. But it ultimately ended with us on good terms. We have so much mutual respect and love for each other. It is so hard to form such an incredibly close bond to someone and then to say goodbye, knowing that you'll never hang out again. Won't call or email, and may never see each other again. It doesn't seem right but its kind of a reality. Love is a high stakes game. Big rewards but at a big risk. As much as I hate losing her as a friend, the worst mistake of all is not trying and then wondering what might have been. Even though it lasted only a short while, it was pure beauty and love in those moments. Those are moments you live for. Those are moments where you feel alive.
11:21 p.m. - 2011-12-03
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
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