yummyshocks's Diaryland
Diary
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ALLOFMYDIARYENTRIES CONTINUED
00131 You've been keeping your distance from me, dear friends. Seems you've found youself a new person to replace me, a boy, so as not to tip that balance and pull between the male and female species. How silly of you. How, absolutely childish. I can't help but laugh, as to how far your willing to go to rid yourselves from me. But, if I'm to be honest and candid, it does hurt me. It hurts me to know that after that night... you'd rather just forget and erase it from your memory. Keeping up with the silence and charade while I implode day in and out from the stress of not knowing what's really going on inside of you. For that alone... I am upset. 8:14 a.m. - 2006-03-22 00132 I've been dreaming of you again. Sometimes I question what it is I really feel for you. Is it adoration, obsession, love? Perhaps, it's a little of all of these and much more. 1:14 p.m. - 2006-04-05 00133 one night, a voice, it spoke to me in riddles, causing the enigma that was spawned in youth to grow, making roots in what seemed infertile grounds.., it led me to where the sea and sand meet... converging in the salt covered air.... crawling to it on burdened limbs.., feeling my way through..., digging my fingertips into its core... i unearthed the treasures i had hidden.., nestled in the safety of this sea like womb.., kept innocent and pure through the misguided measures of time..., taking it into my arms and cradling it like a child... i wept.... as memories flooded in.., as the waves let out in a screeching pitch.. furious of its discovery, so it threw itself upon its own boulders in a crashing display of rage... i looked upon my child... my precious mistake... the binder of my dark dreams, and walked into the storm, up to my waist the angry sea wrapped itself around us both.... and... as a mother... knowing the limitations of her title... i kissed her... my nameless sprig and cast her out as she wailed... piercing the sky of its promises... until no screams were left and the sea.... it calmed.... 2:11 p.m. - 2006-04-11 00134 If I'm to call myself the true queen of manipulation I've but to seal it and my crown with a single kiss from those guarded lips of yours that forsake me and my blood. I will capture your love of hating me and you will fall from that high perch of yours claiming your defeat was no defeat at all but an act of distraction, hence the grand mistake. And when you do, I'll be waiting there with my crown proudly shining looking down at your dumbfounded face resisting to accept my place on the throne. Bow down to me, you shameless fuck! 11:18 p.m. - 2006-04-25 00135 I dreamt that I had your child growing inside of me last night. I'm afraid to even think that it could even actually be a possibility. Its been a month now dear. Are you sure you really don't want to remember how it felt to be called Daddy? Cause I surely can't imagine being called Mommy. A new life entering in this world would mean trouble, perhaps it's best left to the hands of an early tragedy. 2:03 p.m. - 2006-04-27 00136 I hope I ruined your time darlings. Silly me, who am I kidding... you can be such heartless little fucks when you want to be, just like me. 11:41 p.m. - 2006-04-30 00137 I wonder what it was that you were too hurt to tell me. I wonder if it really had to do with family. We are both masters of our trade dear friend. I won't fold so easily. 1:21 p.m. - 2006-05-02 00138 Feels like you've become a memory now. I don't know what to say anymore, I don't know whether to fight for you or let him have you. I really thought we'd be friends forever. I'm a foolish girl. Perhaps you'll find yourself missing me, perhaps you won't. I'll leave the door for you open though, because I love you, and we have history. But if you do choose him, know that I wish you well in your new journey. 1:49 p.m. - 2006-05-07 00139 I'm going to tell her what happened between us sunshine. Limited information of course, but information nonetheless. Why? Well, simply because I feel awkward when you constantly come into the conversation. Seems she just doesn't want to let your memory go. I'm trying my best to put you to rest, but I can't when she keeps you alive. It's time. 3:27 p.m. - 2006-05-09 00140 So I've made you jealous have I? This new power feels good, especially because you've made me feel as if I wasn't worth your time. 1:53 p.m. - 2006-05-30 00141 I know you don't like me you silly-silly-boy. But, I still want to play hide-n-seek because I like catching you under the bed and making you scream. 12:16 p.m. - 2006-06-09 I cried while I listened to Coldplay in my dark lonely room last night. It reminded me of all the fun times we had. I miss you. The way you'd reprimand me for folding the deck of cards when I was the dealer on our ritualistic poker nights in our special motel 8 chain. The way we'd sneak in tequila shots when no one was looking. The way I'd always beat you at hang man in our inebriated state. The way you'd tell me that I was normal when I'd tell you that I was crazy. Come back. 9:16 a.m. - 2006-06-21 00143 disbelief scratch your head let out screams angels die demons mourn stomach cues are rumbling oh my boy i know you all too well your lying to yourself to the world turning pale ears and hands fire red say the words let them go climb up truth make it known say the words your fed up your fed up its okay but stop it stop it now stop it boy pretending that your fine and happy hot engines hot engines winding up shoot forward never back disconnect 11:43 a.m. - 2006-06-30 00144 Remember Death My Sweet Remember death my sweet Todays are yesterdays tomorrow; And away the time will tick Making me shuffle my feet; And honestly I would borrow The magic to keep you from being sick Tick, tock, tick; goes he Forever flailing his sickle and bony hand Cover your face boy, make no sound Maybe hell pass you by and he wont see Your hourglass blues hum with grains of sand And snatch you up by law, having been bound. 2:08 p.m. - 2006-07-13 00145 The Letter Never Sent Dear Father I had a dream of you last night In it I saw you standing there Under the blazing sun, early August In the lavish deserts of Indio California. You were puzzled and perplexed By the mechanics of life At the age of fifteen Eating your stepfathers sweet dates Picked fresh from the fields. Youd stand there on sore feet Admiring the intricacy Of the bruises hed leave Upon your flesh Just for being alive Just for being you. Such a sweet young face I thought As Id focus in on the complexity Of your eyes The unmistakable hurt I just couldnt help but understand. You must have wanted To kill him Every time hed muster Enough strength To even look at you. Oh, but you loved your mother Far too much To make her sad and cry Even if it ate you up Inside. So youd stand there Silently Becoming the prince Of disguise Pretending everything was fine A game played To keep from going mad. Please know, that I dont blame you Yes, I had my time for hating you But Im over it now I love you Enough to ask you questions I was too afraid to ask But only one at a time. Its simple really Having lived the life you did Having not known your own father And knowing one youd rather forget Why on earth would you keep me From knowing mine? 6:21 p.m. - 2006-07-14 00145 pull me out of this mess wash away the lunacy with your kiss just say the words your the magician of my world and i'm your naughty queen of wands with the venemous tongue hush the serpant belted round your waist; she's sly come sit with me on this throne overlooking the seas while we speak of mans fall 6:34 p.m. - 2006-07-18 00146 I hope that one day, while your walking around doing your thing that it will hit you like a ton of bricks and you'll finally realize that what you did to me and my spirit was pretty fucked up. It wasn't so much of the act that hurt me, it was the aftermath. It was your tantrum the morning after and the silent treatment up until this very day that left me feeling as if I was the one who was completely at fault. I was left high and dry baby. Thought you were better than that whole game, what with all your gentlemen qualities and what not. Guess I really am dellusional to think that moments shared would have been worth at least one fucking cent. Yeah, I know it's not you... it's me. I'm the one with the problem. Just thought I would let you know that I know how you must feel cause I take that type of shit into consideration. Some say I shouldn't but I can't help it. I know it must have been hard and disgusting to fuck around with someone like me. You must have wanted to slit your wrists. Who could blame you... I'm the zaftig who other than that has all the qualities you'd be looking for. Oh how this horrid vessel denies any suitors. I just find it funny that it was your own words that led me to your arms. "Let go" you said. Well I did... and I have nothing to show for it but these tears. Regardless of that, thank you... I needed this heartache sooner or later. 11:49 a.m. - 2006-08-18 00147 Sometimes you just can't help but want to slap some sense into them... but friends are friends and "I believe in peace bitch". Sweetpea... I miss you and I love you. Listen to me.... you need to wake up already. Your living in a dream, he doesn't love you like you love him. I can understand the attachment to him and I can cope with his name constantly on your lips but I can't stand you becoming a once in a blue moon character. Never thought in a million years that it would end like this... over a boy. You say that I read too much into things, but I can feel you slipping away. I can hear it in your tone of voice when you manage to swallow enough pride to even call me when you have nothing to say. 10:59 a.m. - 2006-08-22 00148 I WILL have you when everything is said and done in one way or another... I promise you. 5:16 p.m. - 2006-11-15 00149 Spare me your love babble girl. I've got a war to win... and winning means blood. So go buy yourself an umbrella... cause it's gonna pour. 9:39 a.m. - 2006-11-28 00150 open yourself up and let me love you. 10:16 a.m. - 2006-12-14 00151 I'm sleepy. So, fluff my pillow for me, tuck me in and tell me a story.... please. 12:54 a.m. - 2006-12-17 00152 A wretched year has passed, a fresh new-fangled one is already here. Optimistic am I of its good intentions and nature? Hardly. But then again, Ive always been an odd hybrid of cynicism and sanguinity. Ha! No surprises. 8:55 a.m. - 2007-01-03 00153 I don’t know what I’m doing. 10:36 p.m. - 2007-01-09 00154 A new day is upon me. Yet... I can't stop thinking of yesterdays long ago. Oh how I miss being comforted by your hands cupping my face and fingertips brushing against these lonesome hungry lips Boy. Oh Father Time, why have you stained me with these fleeting moments where I was his and he was mine? Be kind and grant me peace of mind. From the depths of my heart I beg of you... set me free of his grasp. 12:34 a.m. - 2007-01-30 00155 I'm scared and I don't even feel safe writing about it here or anywhere else for that matter because I feel as though it will make it all the more real. Give me time, or some vodka and I'll find the courage to flow for you. Until then, I keep it buried. 12:39 a.m. - 2007-02-13 00156 Friday night. Something happened that's happened before. I'm an idiot. Why do I love torturing myself like this? 12:06 a.m. - 2007-05-01 00157 We've kissed in front of you more than once on various occasions.... I know that you know. But, sometimes I wonder if you knew that we were intimate while you were asleep in the same room. 11:49 a.m. - 2007-06-04 00158 Please, believe me when I say that it had nothing to do with hurting you. I needed him, and I won't apologize for enjoying the acts of taking and giving. But, I do apologize for not being able to tell you upfront about me developing feelings for him sooner. I'm not as strong as you. 12:04 p.m. - 2007-06-04 00159 I'm filled to the brim. Rescue me. 10:24 p.m. - 2007-07-18 00160 i've met someone new. his name, we'll leave up in the air. i think he can supply. maybe not as good as the one before, but something is something.... right? we'll see. let's give it some time. 10:16 p.m. - 2007-09-27 00161 Between the Devil and the deep sea... 9:59 a.m. - 2007-10-27 00162 He doesn't like me. But, he's okay fucking me. Go figure. I'm okay with it. Really, I am. He can deny me all he wants as far as emotions go... I can give a shit. I'm having fun. The only thing that bothers me is the way he's always saying how I need to learn to take responsibility for my actions and yet here he is, blaming ALL of our encounters on alcohol. Looks like that starfucker needs to take his own advice. 6:09 p.m. - 2008-07-08 00163 so how's the "swinger" swinging miss?? interesting, the topic of swingers and the mechanics behind its psychology. interesting indeed. polygamy vs monogamy, and where the line blurs before other things like jealousy get in the way of such relationships. i fancy the details others deem untraceable (or intricately placed as untraceable) quite a deal. sweet dreams and may the fates continue to be kind in your realm of happiness and love of sport. may the winds keep you guided safely towards all your endeavors and goals until they reach full fruition and blossom graciously. good night to the sweet lady macbeth and her reigning king. 12:00 a.m. - 2009-06-23 00164 Just started to write again. Figured that I NEEDED to return to the familiar and oddly comforting madness of it all. I'm letting myself go numb again. It stops here. I miss creating, getting under peoples skin. It was an art I had sooooo much fun crafting. You have my word this will not be the average false start I had become accustomed to. 12:29 a.m. - 2010-05-09 00165 make note, i am alive. 1:46 a.m. - 2010-06-21 00166 Starting off where I left behind. The dangerously sugary sweet wanton type of gibberish: Yummyshocks. =^-^= 1:25 p.m. - 2011-05-24 00167 Everytime I light that match Your image... it sparks and burns bright And along with the nicotine toxins You invade my domain the way only you can And as my body let's go In its dizzying spells Giving way to the creep I find myself loving you again And all the questions left unanswered They haunt me and flood in They come to greet me In the descent into my familiar madness They gather the few shards still prominent from our wreckage Hands bleeding in an offering And piece them together Just enough... To where the dream I built Is visible beyond the smoke in its reflection And I am happy again Knowing that for that moment in time I was capable of surviving the grand fall... 12:03 a.m. - 2011-06-29 00168 Underneath the desert sun We walk along the Great Void Hoping to fill it and eachother With the magic to mend And to move on 8:25 a.m. - 2011-08-02 00169 I've never denied your genes Only denied your access... Shielded myself from further hurt In the undying wake Of your choices and absence... My heart is a foolish vessel And maintains it's constant guard With you, with them, within myself... As a child to her father; her King of Kings I bowed to you in awe At your throne by your feet... But as a woman now to her King I bow to you in respect But with the grandest of fears Suffocating and constricting my chest Instilled in what once was pure love... I fear your wrath For having strayed and remained silent I fear your words of hurt I fear your denouncement I fear your granulated love I fear you... So I stay... Stagnant in my visions of you As you were before the fall... With arms outstretched Eyes welled up and bursting in tears With the hope that one day... One magic day You'll save me from myself And set me free from this curse... With the simplest of warm and unabashed embraces that only you can unfold 6:29 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00170 All it took was two syllables And magically, at the pronunciation My ear would listen intently At the mixture of sounds Forming your name... And my eyes, they'd sparkle Like fireflies On the river banks Of the Sungai Klias... Waiting for the darkness To envelope the night To show you The depths of my love 6:30 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00171 Silly girl/with the silly heart/his was not pure/his was for gain/not for the cure/you gave freely/just as freely as he took/mistaking it for love/it was not his fault/it was yours/the grand mistake/left battered and bruised/the hurt and tears they came with ease/gathered them all as delicate fall leaves/then the next one he came with the wind one day/the facts just learned/they disappeared/and just like that/they/re/appeared/sounding/tasting/feeling/smelling/the same/something must be wrong you thought/with the core/something so wrong and disgusting/that they all claimed the same/denouncing your feelings as false/so you closed yourself off/a service for those who'd even fathom to fall into your arms/and as such you'll stay/never knowing reciprocation of the only thing you've always wanted/to love////// 6:31 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00172 Can't say I'm fucking surprised. I knew something was gonna happen... I felt it. And it did. I don't mind the change... It's not that. Just the lame cop-out excuses as to why. It's always the same thing: it was out of our hands... They needed you there. Please, man up and say it was cause I sucked major balls and you didn't want me enough to fight for me. That I'm someone else's problem now. Hands washed, feeling clean of the dirt I represent at the bottom of your nails. That would've been better than this. Im actually upset. And for the record, this is me being tame. Baby steps towards utter outlandish madness and anger to come. Stick around long enough and you'll get to witness The Bitch in the making. 6:33 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00173 Almost passed out at Walmart today while waiting for Miss Brown to handle some business. Didn't take a lunch today at work. Spent day fixing loose ends and manning the kiosk before leaving Stonewood. Plus I think I had a little mini panic attack again. The lady in front of me watched as I tried to calm myself down with some breathing exercises, legs shaking, hands trembling while she calmly ate her Subway sandwich and smiled at me every now and then. Feeling the tears welling up in my eyes I took to my journal to try to distract myself from what I was feeling. Miss Brown later came to my rescue with a pretzel and some coke to help me out. Thank you Miss Brown. 6:35 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00174 We want to take this time to thank every single person who has helped us in our pursuit to find our daughter/sister/wife/friend Alvina Jimenez. It is with a heavy heart we regret to inform you that this morning the search ended. Out of respect for her family we ask that you refrain from further questioning. This is a very hard time for us and a proper investigation is underway to assure probable cause and that the utmost degree of the law is served. Further information regarding services will be released as they come. Once again, we appreciate all of your efforts and cooperation. Thank you all for your vigilance. WE LOVE YOU ALVINA!! Your impact on this world was otherworldly. You will be missed. R.I.P. 6:37 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00175 You're a light when things seem way too dark to see past/You're a passage way when things seem unable to cross/You're an unwavering confidant/When it seems no ones willing to lend an ear/You're the calm that falls after the storm/The rainbow in a cloudy world/You're a daughter/A sister/A lover/A fighter/A friend to one and all/As is testament here tonight/We'll all miss you beyond words Alby/But we take comfort in knowing you're in a better place now/And that we'll all see eachother soon/And Rock out hardcore with all em angels and show them how to Skank/Remember/If We call you on that coconut of yours/You have to answer in that special sexy voice of yours!!/Love ya chica/For forever and a day/Thank you for being you 6:38 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00176 I plead to you... Cosmos of the great beyond To rid me of these thoughts Of failure from the inner Essence of my being When compared to her She has been blessed With the comfort I have never felt Since his departure She has been brought up Beautiful and strong of will/mind And I... I have no such qualities No fruits of legacy To display at the shrine I am a vacant vessel Unworthy of his love And these uncontrollable tears That flow from a mere glance At still frames of happiness/joy Make my heart sink To those familiar depths Of darkness and despair For what love Can I possibly give him That wouldn't be outshined by hers She is his light His joy His everything His world And I, The Grand Mistake With the broken soul. 6:39 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00177 ...loves course... It's easy For someone Who has it To proclaim That patience is key And that it'll all come Naturally On its own On a sparkly silver platter Nude and raw Did they forget Become so jaded To how it felt To be just as lost To feel just as undesirable Did they forget How much it hurt To see others who had it Treat it like shit By lying, cheating, stealing it From under peoples noses Who seemed to live and breathe The perfect love Claiming it sorta Just happened To each his/her own I get it, I'll never know Until it happens to me But you must admit It makes you wonder Is there really such a thing? Such a thing as forever The cherubs above us They aim to kill I fear cupids furled brow More than his arrow But seek it nonetheless Because I'm human And have been conditioned To seek it At all costs Till the last breath Of these heaving lungs The beautiful expanding of its Rattling cages That house universal hearts I am love personified Just like you Waiting... Kicking, screaming Bitching, moaning For that mutual Bitter-sweetness To taste To savor To relish In my mouth Till the end of its course And then it's on to the other So let me cling To these delusions of Pure inferiority It oddly helps me cope And with time You'll see me transform I'll draw hearts On the frosted windows Of random cars As I walk on by One not so special morning And I'll gladly smile my smiles Overlooking the seas Mending the wounds I've yearned for As I walk into The cold salted seas Submerged Into its stinging arms I promise you to heal After every opened scar Just let me find my own way Through feel Loves course... Its a tricky labyrinth I'm sure If you close your eyes You'll remember And feel its enigma Shower your body Into a familiar submission So let me fall Let me fall 6:40 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00178 ::Mathematical Frameworks:: Make restitution Your cold heart to me It's frigidness lures And we all know you know That I fancy coiled burners So here, take my hand And follow me D O W N To warmth Unfold before me Here, take hold of my hips Palms giving way to contour For you are the painter And I, the thought that renders The mind to grip the brush Together we dance The mourning tango Dip into the red The green The yellow And then the blue Each stroke Creating electrical currents Can you feel me... Among the power flux Or am i hidden in its vector? 2+2 will always equal 4 But there is also logic In illogical renderings That which is not seen Is believed into existence Is it not so? So feel me, as I feel you And together we shall live In what others deem fantasy La Cumparsita begins You've handed me a rose You take my hand into yours On the streets of Buenos Aires And together We dance under the stars Under the waning moon 6:42 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00179 ::Enigma of my hearts deepest recesses covered in cinnamon dust, i call out to you; hear me... ::Alas, your absence has held me in it's arms for years now... silently cradled in its ::Obscure darkness for far too long and this tie though seemingly unbreakable, has me torn in its vigil; on my hands and knees; twisted and contorted... so release me, take mercy and grant me serenity of our shared memories to where rather than stinging and killing me at its mere suggestion they'll float in and out without such pain, but rather like butterflies landing on a smile to grace and illuminate my being from the inside out having known a love; though one sided, the taste of the grand bitter-sweetness cascades graciously on, making its own way to a chapter waiting for its deserving end. Blah blah blahhhhhh. 6:43 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00180 Tell me how much you can't stand me While you wrap your hungry fingertips around my hair Forcing me to pay my respects to your shrine Forgive me Father for I have sinned Tell me how much you hate me While you stick your ravenous tongue down my throat Forcing me to love you with every cold embrace Forgive me Father for I have sinned You sit and wonder why I stay Enduring your torture for as long as I have It's simple really baby Pain Perdu; my darling I loved loving you like only I could Forgive me Father for I have sinned I'm a wicked child, with a wicked smile In love with someone who wants nothing But to see me fall... 6:44 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00181 ::Steer me calmly:: Just beyond the outer contours of your body The inner boundaries of your thighs Its twisting moving breathing paths Constricting contracting contorting This is me claiming what is mine ::open your eyes:: Guide me lethargically To the shoulders and peaks of your plains Gathering in complacent palms The essence of your sex; ravenously intertwined ::Don't forget to breathe Sweetpea:: This is more than love This is bliss In between the sheets In between chapters; bent corners marking the space where two become three ::me, you, this nameless force:: The magic pressed into its pages Its residue renders The words that hinge thoughts to take form To multiply, reproduce It is the will of man It's more powerful than god Its scent most alluring So take of me, as I'd off of you The gift of illumination through feel ::so lets go for a ride, touch me darling... and heal:: 6:45 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00182 Waves of cerise You helped open the gates When you suggested I "let go" Then blamed me for the flood When the waters were too high So give me back my naivety Give me back my first's Give me back my love Give me back my gift of me ...For me For you... ...For her And for the rest to come Through life's revolving doors 6:46 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00183 hourglass blues hum whenever you're gone and soon couldn't be sooner to hush the fury of this hearts rattling cage into submission & you're safe in my esurient arms I take to my guitar inspiration born from our last embrace in Octobers rusty hues you're such a beautiful wreckage lost in your sparkling glass & debris a smile graces my face im certain, I'm home where I love to love you where I'd hate to lose you to distance's throws come on lovely, my reason to breathe meet me where the sand and waters converge overlooking the sun as it sets and the oceans vastness creates the metaphors to describe the lengths of my devotion to you and only you let's take the plunge as the waves crash down cleansing & christening our bond be my Siren, my muse and I swear to you this here tune will forever be dedicated to you my beautiful wreckage of the deep crystal cerulean sea 6:47 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00184 I'll love you today Like I'll love ya tomorrow So let me borrow your heart To help it mend And see me And see me Through the fields of Lilys A boy in youth pulls butterflies wings I'll take your faults and shower in it's glory I won't run away See me See me You're inches to freedom Grab it and take hold Crystal chandeliers look good in any home I'll polish you and your egos one by one And revel in its reflections Why couldn't you have chosen me And seen me And seen me ...Instead 6:48 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00185 Depths of my despair Your image it burns It's been 5 years now And still no return I can feel your breath Warm / sweet on my neck Return to me; sink Let me in further Let me... Down, easy Let my hair grow long Smoke my menthol smokes Letting go fully Was my gift to you You'll always be mine No matter what's said You'll always be mine No matter what's done Let me... Down, easy Give you everything The way I did then Just open up; call And my heart is yours 6:49 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00186 I told you I loved you In French and Japanese I said it on my knees On your bathroom floor Ruby red lipstick smeared Mascara-tears flowing free And you were there, standing Bold enough to say "No you don't, you can't You don't mean it, it's me You don't know what your saying" You helped me up With no hug orkiss goodbye The doors to the world opened And off I went heart broken Into the dark-cold morning Walking my way home up Gage Wearing your favorite jacket As I remembered your embrace Your passionate kisses and words While you went off Into her waiting arms Giving her what I always needed 1:56 p.m. - 2012-01-05 00187 Calming ingestions White sedative clouds Swallowing the past into the present; seamlessly jagged Lost happily Where reality lacks substance La Luna supplies Crystalline visions Attainable in sleeps realm Chemical oxidation; freedom Hypnotic beats resounding In once vacant spaces Close my eyes; all is seen Zolpidem the Drifter sneaks in Sweetly grabs my hand Leads me towards the promised land Receptors, neurotransmitters Triggers, molecular harmony Fusion of thought Through opposite extremes Heaviness in weightlessness Oh oh oh The waves They wash me clean Release me from the confines that waking sleep renders for free 3:33 p.m. - 2012-01-10 00188 testing 1 2 3... via my new macbookpro laptop. :D 10:09 p.m. - 2012-01-29 00189 Bug-Out-Blues You think with logic and reasoning to cast judgement You are theCephalon I speak in tenderness of heart and its sensibilities I am the Thorax And she, she is the end of what once was, the be-header of dreams She is the Pygidium Together we form the specimen that lives through nuclear wars The organism that multiplies as it scurries through life with one purpose and one purpose only To infect the fibers of that which deems itself impenetrable 1:57 a.m. - 2012-03-03 00190 Tales of a Thirsty Knife Urges for rusty blades to pierce that which seems beautiful and impenetrable//To become transfixed on the thought that wills the hand to partake in the final act//That is the mechanics behind the thirsty knife//The conflicting neurological transfers of want versus need//Wrong versus right//The satisfaction of the ruby-like crystalized droplets of DNA//As it becomes one with itself on its cold body made of steel upon torn flesh//The willful participant of submissive pleasure through pain//That is the mechanics behind the thirsty knife//Oh such a haunting twist of events to the outside world//Fusion of chemicals that no one can dare to understand//For fear keeps them far-far away from such primal thoughts and deeds//But the thirsty knife knows all to well of sacrifice//So shall it be willed into existence//So shall it be done//With the same fervor of the quintessential hybrids of love known and accepted by man//This, yes... This is the mechanics behind the thirsty knife//The Tale of a pending end that brought a beginning to life//The creation of a sacred limbo//Where the thirsty knife waits patiently for the next bloodletting to offer itself again//And again and again and again.....// 11:00 a.m. - 2012-03-22 00191 How I miss you my little jewel. I'm sorry for neglecting you. A lot has happened and frankly I think I'm scared about disclosing those things. Have patience, you know I'll spill... Eventually. Oh and when I do, it'll be grand. 11:52 a.m. - 2012-08-17 00192 Revival is always in the foreground, it just waits until we're ready. I'm ready. 10:43 a.m. - 2012-10-22 00193 i would like to show you the true me, but I very seldom really know who I am myself. I have an idea, but I guess thats the point, discovery is constant. 11:01 p.m. - 2013-03-03 00194 I feel nothing when I'm with you. Please, don't mistake my moans & quivering legs for love. I don't fake it darling, so no worries there. I just don't like you like that. Thought ya made that perfectly clear 5 yrs. ago when ya denied my heart access to yours. Your cock on the other hand, mmm your cock & how ya work it is lovely indeed. How's that for female sentimental bullshit?! Now get gone, I need to shower & get some sleep. Spare me your half-assed hugs too by the way. It's just business after all, it's just mother+fucking sex! '-' 3:42 a.m. - 2013-04-28 00195 mr orange. i wish you wanted more from me than my sex. it's sad when you really think about it. growing up i was convinced that no one would ever want to be with me. here i am, 32 yrs old and i've yet to be in a relationship. so far i was right. am i really just a pile of broken/damaged goods? i guess so. what am i supposed to do? i'm damned if i play coy with guys not giving anything up; labeled a tease. i'm damned if i'm genuinely ok with just screwing a guy then i'm labeled a whore/slut. i just want to be wanted AND needed. is that so hard to acquire here on earth before my time here is up? is it? 12:13 a.m. - 2014-02-02 00196 I suck at remembering passwords when I have soooooo many. :/ 3:16 p.m. - 2014-06-11 00197 Random Entry // Sounds 101 sometimes I like listening to everything while staying as still as possible in bed // from the varied voices outside my window in conversation; as I predict the next sentence uttered and envision their expressions as they figure out someone's listening in like Big Brother // to the planes overhead on their route to anywhere but here; stoic passengers sipping on their mini vodka drinks & munching on their tiny complementary bag of salted peanuts with a side of Valium to ease the phobic pain since September 2001 // to the unpaid cars speeding down Atlantic Ave with their mangled bass raised far too loud for human ears to handle; let alone the regurgitated lyrics that degrade my sex for a mere dollar // from the lovely crickets who's song I'll never tire of since childhood because it simply made me feel safe in the dark; the differences between them & grasshoppers ever so faint // to the birds outside uncaged and free vying for attention even when the sun has given way to the moon; hoping to one day sound as wolf-like in LA as the wailing loon from the North Woods when dusk has fallen onto glass lakes, piercing the sky like an un-wished star // to the sound of my own breath as I try to control it with sheer will of thought alone; until the sting is unbearable and my diaphragm now claiming defeat twitches releasing the demons in my lungs // to the heavy burdened echo in my chest as my now pounding heart races then slows to a softer tone yet again; with every jagged exhale the tension in my body melts and my eyelids give in to its own weight reaching euphoria // oh but the sound of a clock, there's nothing more grand, a clock ticking away almost as if the sound of the seconds ticking by were trying so hard to evolve into something more tangible for us to touch; to somehow reach us & to demand inventory of the way we've chosen to use it up until now, to help wake us up before individually for us it one day ceases to tick and tock; allowing for yet another night of magical sounds, just like tonight... 12:14 a.m. - 2014-06-19 00198 Pensamientos Las cosas cambian, es verdad. Es algo que pasa sin dificultad en el frgil estado de un momento al otro. Pero, para estar consciente en a dejar el cambio florecer en el ser de uno mismo es un poco ms difcil pero no imposible. Se necesita el poder de una fe inquebrantable, en dnde las dudas corren al unsono con los regalos que se presenta en nuestra propias vidas. Es un baile del balance. Como miraras las pruebas y tribulaciones en el escenario donde te encuentras hoy? 4:17 p.m. - 2014-06-29 00199 Daily Affirmations. Finding happiness in every single day. Taking everything in stride & maintaining a genuine smile no matter what the risk. When I was utterly oblivious of my naivety this act was way much easier. But ease is just that & no great life altering heights are ever reached without compromise and sacrifice. There is no mistake, struggle is an undeniable gift to those who see beyond the underlying pain of present strife. Take comfort; today's will ultimately be yesterday's tomorrow's. 1:24 p.m. - 2014-06-30 00200 If you stare at the ceiling for far too long you'll start to see images form & they'll start to tell stories that aren't ready to be told. 5:03 p.m. - 2014-07-16 00201 A lil something I just wrote. Was inspired and because I was growing slightly weary this Saturday. The Deception of Mr Salmon I see through your treacherous veils of deception dear Broodmare. Why maintain a treasure you do not love whilst entertaining yet another and another and another? Newly found feminine whiles are not so new & dainty are they now as you will have him believe? You've long perfected the art of manipulation for whatever gains you secretly covet while boldly maintaining your innocence; all the makings of a red herring. Is it for a sense of Home, pride of a heart conquered or for mere ownership among other shiny golden dividends? Have you no shame to leave him dumbfounded by your spells? What use is hoarding the love of a man you do not cherish wholeheartedly? How does wrapping your arms, legs & lips around nameless others procure your veneration for him? He is no earthly God to you, no. As you are no earthly Goddess to him. One day your veil will fall & your ruse will be the end of you. -HNS 5:58 p.m. - 2014-12-13 00202 Another: -The Match Made In Quirky Heaven- There's a boy I used to know Dragged his feet along Hung his head down low As he walked with cigarette in hand We had a lot in common We both would step on the cracks on purpose on the pavement and smirk to ourselves at the thought of our mothers backs breaking -HNS 6:00 p.m. - 2014-12-13 00203 I'm on a writing frenzy today. ::The Inconspicuous Insect:: I'm like an itch you don't want to stop scratching. So you keep grazing your skin just enough to leave it throbbing. You keep vigil in my absence; until I emerge from the shadows to infect you once more with my proboscis & saliva. Body giving way to nature in all its splendor. -HNS 6:00 p.m. - 2014-12-13 00204 Fighting For Equilibrium Relaaaaaax, nothing is ever all pink, frills, full of love & roses. What do you think this is... Disneyland? It's littered with cruelty, darkness, trials & fucking garbage. It's called balance Babe. Wake up. They're watching. You feel the tilting of the pedestal as you reach your happiness limits for the year yet Honey? We've all got a quota of sadness to fill. Gotta fill it up fill it up till it hurts to breathe. It's your turn to feel its unbiased pull into the Abyss; bathed lovingly in its menacing grasp. Only then will Bliss really feel like Bliss when it sneaks into your bedroom at night under the covers. Close your eyes & let go SweetPea, learn to ride the wave. -HNS 2:35 a.m. - 2014-12-14 00205 i've been waiting and waiting for the day i would completely break down. to hit rock bottom. i haven't yet. i'll be 34 in a month. this upsets me. most people (and yes i'm going there) my age are already settled, with the house, the cars, the kids, the dogs, the fucking white god forsaken picket fence. where am i? at my moms, on daybed (or sofa), no job, no car, no money, no husband, no kids, a dog i can't possibly take care of. what kind of shit is that? is it that not only am i nice, empathetic and naive but i'm also ok with living a poor excuse for a life even if i'd be homeless. could it be, i've just completely given up? deep sigh. i know the answers logically won't be found in anyone else except myself. but i'm so lost i can't even access the girl i thought i was. i've never known her. i thought i did. 6:49 p.m. - 2015-02-24 00206 Small Token of Reverence; To My Muse You make me feel like an ethereal Goddess in a world that otherwise sees me as an uneven lump of scrap coal without any substance but to keep men warm under lock and key; kept hidden in the shadows forcefully from the supposed prying eyes of stereotypes and cruel intentions, but to you, to you I am your Deity, pure and intact; celestial divinity dripping from my pores, an image worthy of public worship and adoration without an inch of shame, with a prideful stance instead you gleam from ear to ear having chosen me among the rest So on bended knee you pray to me with clenched wanton hands all too eager to them warmly lay outstretched to capture the sparks I emit as if they were virgin stars; unwished upon and newly formed in a galaxy I've conceived, then with an unwavering gaze upon my visage you see visions stronger than any pair of crystal clear eyes could ever fathom seeing within me, I am transparently complex, a privilege worth fighting for, a maze worth unraveling, I am yours You shower me with soft gentle kisses as though placing roses on my altar; every petal laced with meaning strewn upon my skin that heeds me to relinquish myself unto your undying touch all but whole; love a term too tainted and raped of its meaning we create a new one, its sanctity only known to us in our space protected in time, we is here, we are, you and I; gilded, beautifully adorned whether or not in time we should happen to sink or float, our time is now You whisper my name with bated breath when you need to be lifted on not so bright days, each time I sense your prayers reach me; echoing within the walls of my being, sweet and comforting like frankincense & myrrh on an early winters mist that heals even the most broken of souls and hearts; to uproot your spirits in the fight that only the road to true oneness procures, so let me sing to you my Dear full heartedly, with songs not yet had the honor of being heard, let me shower you with promise and wonderment for having worshipped me against all odds -HeidieNicoleSaenz 9:33 a.m. - 2015-11-07
3:06 p.m. - 2017-05-03
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