Ok, Clayton was right. You only get to opt out once.
I did it. I hit the reset button. I chose to trade one struggle for another and make no commitments to a path beyond the reset. There was blowback, not unforeseen but my reaction to it was stronger than expected.
After changing my number, I gave the new one to two people - Art. Who showed up for me at the end of a crazy night and was genuinely happy to see me, even if I wasn't in a place to be happy about being there. the blowback fell on you and you continued to have my back. I will always and forever have yours. A true friend, indeed.
And Zach - who, in retrospect, I sent my number to because I figured I would be the last person he called before opting out, which seemed at the time and continues to seem likely. So far it has been the case twice in fifteen days.
That's it. Ya know, then I changed contact info for my bank and living things. Oh yeah, and before the reset I broke up with my family, right? Shortly before changing my number, I did get a reaching-out text from my father that I chose not to respond to. Since then, nothing. No email reply and they don't have my new number. Including my sister. For reasons that we will get to later, I feel strongly today that this was the right move.
---
Ok, so fifteen days of processing. Sacha and I made a new neighbor friend who showed up for me as a trauma buddy in a way that I don't think there are words for. Her trauma is objectively more intense than mine but she held space for me to work through my stuff in a way that I can never repay. She also may or may not be mentally unstable, and I kinda hope that we drift apart. I would never block her, though... She was a true friend with no obligation to be one. A sort of unconditional communal love that I think is too rare in our modern world.
---
I kept doing the work. I'm not saying I didn't wallow a bit. But I pushed myself each day and stuck to the plan and what the universe put in front of me each day. I decided, with the clarity of the reset, to re-engage with the world in small steps. These engagements were based on what felt right, to me, without expectations or attachments.
To be clear, this was not a commitment to a series of steps or plan exactly. It was just saying 'yes' to the things that the universe put forth that felt right in the moment, for me, in the moment. Without judgment, attachment, or expectations. There was A LOT of meditation.
Oh, at this point I want to acknowledge my neighbor Britt, who showed up for me and let me verbally process some deep thoughts that apparently blew her mind. She said, with a bit of reflection, that our conversation has impacted her worldview. In this case, I am really happy about that. I feel like it will help Britt embrace what matters to her without the expectations that she is carrying around.
On the other side I did, and do, feel like something of a clean slate. Then the universe brought me something truly and uniquely special.
Sometimes I am pumping gas and the stupid little head voice says I should go buy a lotto ticket right now. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I don't know if you know this, but I haven't won the lotto yet.
But that's what we are doing right now... right? Follow head voice when it feels right? So I did it.
I didn't win "The Lottery" ya'll... but maybe something better?
What brought me back to Diaryland after this huge gap was about pain, loneliness, and directionlessness to some degree...
Then the universe opened up and gave me a direction. A safety, acceptance, and comfort like I have never felt. This feels like it could be home. Like what I have been searching for. A community, a path, a home, safety, support, and stability. Not that we don't have many of these things but not like this. This is something else. Unlike what has come before, and we know how I feel about collecting experiences. Work, yes... everything comes with work. But work worth doing. Looking at you, Leslie!
Work worth doing.
So let's get busy doing the work.
01:12 - 2024-04-29
Recent entries:
three forty five - 2024-04-29
three forty four - 2024-04-14
three forty three - 2024-04-14
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