stormyalone's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i can't sleep ever again

i had the first nightmare i have had in a long time, and i can't sleep now, no matter how tired i am. i am too scared.

i was, for some reason, living at a woman's house. my things were there, and i think my children were there. i don't really remember the house, but yet it seems familiar. Like the woman,she is maybe my ex mother-in-law, maybe a woman i dated twice a few years ago. The house was like that,too. Maybe my grandparents house i use to visit as a child, maybe a house i lived in with a woman named Rose many years ago.
There was a long, narrow living room. Couches along one wall, a tlevision, shelves, and my piano along another. Beyond that, a kitchen. In the other direction, a bedroom.
i think the woman has a son, who was a problem. She kept urging him to do things, to behave right, or no IT for him.
What IT was, is foggy. IT had a name, like rising,or changing. It was clear i was a guest here, so i said nothing and wondered what IT was.
It seemed to be just she and i, the children sleeping in other rooms. i had just showered, and was wrapped in a big thick pink towel. Just like the one hanging in my bathroom that i always use.
i went into the living room. i had to pee,so bad, but could not get in, or find a bathroom. i did not know where the woman was, just knew she was racing around in the night, cleaning, getting ready for IT. i sat down on some dirty laundry, and i peed. and peed. It went all across the living room floor. i felt it under me, hot and wet and spreading. She walked in. Did not seem to think it odd at all that i had peed all over her floor, and peed more than 10 people could at once. i said i am sorry, i am sorry. i ran to get dressed.
When i re-entered the living room, the floor was mopped. The whole room was cleared of clutter, and she was pushing a wicker hamper to the wall near the door. i said, i was going to clean it. She said, its ok, i did it, we have to get ready, for IT. i was scared, i did not know what we were getting ready for.
People came. Cis was one of them, but he did not look like Cis. He looked like Cis and some kind of animal mixed up.i was so happy, so relieved to find him in the middle of all this confusion,but as soon as i realized he looked different, terror set in.
He told me, you have to do IT. i said no, i cant, i wont. He said you dont have a choice, and you will.
i looked around wildy,wanting help. i saw the woman, her son, and my brother-in-law. Many other people i don't know. They all were changing, into whatever it was Cis had become.
Horrible half-human, half beast creatures. Creatures with teeth, and long strong arms. They grabbed my arms, dragging me close to one. He leaned close and said you have to. You have to..and the word. i wish i could remember it, it is important. IT. What was IT?
i was falsely brave,and terrified inside. i said NO! loudly,strong. i dont want to!. i looked at the thing that was Cis, silently begging him with my eyes,pleading. He turned away.
They laughed, and said i had to. The attitude was that they wanted me to, but something more. Like they truly believed, for some purpose other than their own, that i had to do IT.
Somehow, i knew if i did IT, i would be like them.
They held me down. Chanting, reciting words i don't understand. Rubbing a smelly lumpy paste all over my body as they tore off my clothes. My mind was getting foggy, swirling, i was thinking no, being more scared than i ever had been, and somewhere inside the swirling a little thought kept screaming at me not to go, what about the kids, where are my kids, don't go, they will hurt the kids....it turns into something like an acid trip.
i can feel so much pain, feel my body being hurt, feel burning. Such burning, from my inside out. They all touched me, and i think they raped me, but by that time, my body was one thing and my mind another. i felt the pain, heard the dreary melodious chanting as a grey backdrop. Pain, like i have never felt. Bones breaking, my hair being ripped out, big things and body parts being shoved inside me. My limbs being stretched and my joints dislocating. It seemed to go on forever. i saw it in patches of cognizance, and sometimes from floating above it all.
Suddenly, it stopped. i was in the dream bedroom, waking up. The first thought was, Cis? Why was he there, and how could he do that, and let them do that to me? i remembered him telling me, it had to be that way, it was written in the stars, it was who i am, who he is, who they are,and i could not escape it. my very next thought was how i was whole and sound,unhurt? Then,immediate terror,as i woke fully, and realized i did not know where my children were.
i opened the door, and stepped into the living room. my children were sitting on the couch, calmly watching television. My brother-in-law was at the table, eating like a pig. Really, like wild boar.. he had hooves, and almost a snout for a nose, and big teeth. Why didn't anyone but me see that? He spoke to me, and it was if the kids could not hear, only me. What he said instantly made terror stop my heart,and then set it beating furiously.
you have to do IT again. i began to scream. NO NO NO i WON'T do IT!
My oldest son stood up. He said momma, then dont do IT.. i was talking fast, scared, wanted to run, but knew i had no where to go. i said no, i have to. He said no, you don't. No one will hurt you, no one can make you do anything you don't want to momma, i am here. i said no, no, you don't know these people, you don't know. He said it doesn't matter momma, I am here....no one will hurt you while I am here. i was desperate to make him understand, to make him get the others, and run. He just kept laughing it off, and saying he would take care of them.
i blinked. In the time it took to shut my eyes, and open them again, alot changed. i saw my kids on the couch, now bound with rope, and some black curled gadget attatched to their chest. i turned to my brother- in-law, and offered him my wrists to tie together. i was screaming, over and over. i will do IT, whatever you say, whatever you want, i will do it, don't hurt them, dont hurt them...i feared even what they might see. i knew the pain would come again, the burning, the breaking, but i did not care, i just wanted him to let my children go.
He dragged me near the shelves in the living room. Suddenly Cis, the woman, the son and all the other unrecognized were there, and once again, they were creatures. i was still screaming, don't hurt them. i was pleading and crying and terrified for my children. They kept pushing me closer to a paper laying on the shelf, trying to make me read it. i dont remember seeing what it was, and the terror took over, and i remember nothing of what happened, except it was more of the same from the first time and it lasted endlessly.
i awoke with a start, sitting straight up in the dream bedroom, the terror undiminished, and my body whole again. The first thought in the terror, was my kids. Where were they ,what had they done to them, what had they seen?
i opened the door and stepped into the living room. The bedroom had been as normal, but in the living room and kitchen, something had happened.
Everything was in its correct form and shape, but had been burned black. i was walking, but it was more like floating,in slow motion. i turned my head, looking around, and the children, everyone else, was gone.
i touched the paper on the shelf, and it turned to dust. Every single thing there was like this, except my piano. It stood against the wall, looking exactly as it always had.
i wanted to find my kids. i passed through the kitchen, and opened the door to the garage. i was screaming, where is everyone? Over and over i screamed, but no noise came out. When i looked out the door, instead of the garage, i saw miles and miles of desert, hot bright sun that hurt my eyes,and nothing else.
i went back through the living room, and opened the front door. i decided to breathe deep, and scream as loud as i could. i leaned out...the yard was small, on a quiet empty street. i did not see my children. i was crying, inside and out. i took the biggest deepest breath i could,and when i screamed where is everyone i heard my voice.
i woke myself up with that scream. i was safe, fine,in my bed. But terrified. Shaking, curled up tight, sweating, pillows thrown all over the room. my mind was in that place you go right between asleep and awake, and between awake and asleep. i thought i must have had a terrible dream, but i wasn't sure if it was real or not,and maybe i better go back to sleep. To find out if it was real. If it was real, i needed to find my kids.
i slowly became more concious and rational. But still very scared. The house is dark,shadowy. i see my dog laying on the floor, looking at me. He is calm. If anyone was here, he would be barking. i go, lock my doors, and peer out the windows trying to see anything in the night. It is my yard, on my street, and all is quiet. i see the clothes blowing on the clothes line. i know that is what it is, but i am so scared, i have to make myslef cup my hands around my eyes to shield the glare from the glass, lean close, and look again, just to be sure it is only clothes, and not creatures. i go, and look at my sleeping children. i get some water, a cigarette, and i sit here, to write this nightmare down.
Now, i feel a little better, less scared. i thought of calling Cis, or even of calling husband. i was feeling so alone. So shook up. But Cis was bad in the dream, i don't want to talk to him. Husband is so dumb, he would never understand. So i snap my fingers. Instantly, my dog is sitting at my side. He is such a good friend, and he makes me feel safe. He is big and strong and devoted, protective. i don't want to go back to sleep, i don't want to finish that dream. i am curious what all that could mean, and i have to say it is one of the scariest dreams i have ever had. But i don't want to figure it out badly enough to go there again and feel that terror.

2:55 a.m. - 2005-10-05

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next