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For the price of an international stamp and some photos, I united family. We have had a few video chats and a lot of tears have been shed. I think Fran would be proud of me for how this turned out.

from annanotbob2 :

I think some of us have to learn to live with mental ill health, but we can live well, not cruising just above despair. I hope my blog shows that, although to be fair therapy is hard and is pushing my buttons, but the theory is we suppress all the trauma because it's too awful to bear thinking about but it won't stay down, it erupts out of us, wildly, inconveniently, uncontrollably. So we have to get the strength to face it down, not alone but with a good therapist guiding us, holding our hands. There will be better times than this, honest. Hugs xxx

from jimbostaxi :

Hi, thank you so much for your note and kind words. There are a couple of people on my list from your neck of the woods. Makes me feel like having a cup of tea in celebration. :)

from annanotbob2 :

xxx

from zoela :

Sounds like that man was the one misbehaving in public. (And old enough to know better.) Shame on him.

from swordfern :

A child is not a dog. I'm sorry that you had to experience that man and his unsolicited and ignorant opinion.

from zoela :

From my perspective as a reader of a literal diary of your innermost self, EVERYTHING you have written in this diary is evidence of effort and progress. I see all the work you put in, and your incredible insight, even on challenging days. You write because you are up to the challenge, and it's inspiring. This process of breaking patterns is so damn hard and requires not just solo effort, but effort from others too - in the form of *positive* encouragement. I support and validate your experience 1000% ! <3

from annanotbob2 :

2/4 XXX that sounds huge, but cathartic. Hope you feel better for it xxx

from annanotbob2 :

Thank you so much! After a very bad episode my then CPN sent me on a self-care course at the psych hospital. There were eight of us. In pairs we had to discuss then choose a tiny act of self care we would do during the week. We then spent the next NINE WEEKS exploring why none of us had managed to do it. But we did in the end. it is so hard though. Big hugs xxx

from annanotbob2 :

You're not wrong - we should all be getting 90 minutes! xx

from annanotbob2 :

28/2 XXX

from annanotbob2 :

xxx

from zoela :

my response is late but wanted to say thanks. :) also, that therapy sounds super cool and i love love love your enthusiasm.

from moodswing :

Not a funny entry, but the turn around to "My smartwatch told me I was very stressed." gave me a little chuckle.

from bliss-sad :

I, too, am constantly realizing that I have no original opinions or personality traits. It's all just dissociation while my CPTSD steers.

from i-am-jack :

I'm glad it worked.

from i-am-jack :

Okay I sent it again. I think I see what happened. The email subject is Jack Password.

from i-am-jack :

Hmmm have you used that email recently? I tried twice and got the mailer daemon bounce back. I copypasted it as you typed it.

from i-am-jack :

Wow it's crazy it has been that long. I usually ask for an email to send it to if you want to share one that I will delete. Do you know about having to post a note after deleting one, to make it disappear? I can post it here, if you make it disappear quick.

from swordfern :

ooof. husband abandoning you when you need to talk it out. that's a terrible feeling. i wish that he would have showed up differently for you in that moment.

from jimbostaxi :

Ugh, just read your entry and saw your husband tested positive. Sending love and healing vibes to your family. Xoxo

from zoela :

thanks for the note haha. hope you're feeling better today, and don't beat yourself up about moods or feeling and wanting things, as humans do. <3

from emotionless :

read you latest entry. Life is very mundane and redundancy as parent... Wake up, feed the kids, school, chores, pick up from school, cook dinner, bed time, chores...rinse repeat.

from annanotbob2 :

7/1/22 xxxxxxx

from jimbostaxi :

Happy birthday and I hope you guys makeup and enjoy the show.

from swordfern :

I haven't had a chance to respond to your other note, but the entry about how sex makes you feel better? That resonates a lot with me. What's happening is biological. It's called co-regulation. It's real and it's useful in recovery. If fact, for me, it was key in recovery from disordered eating. Everyone has different histories and traumas, and I don't know you all that well yet, but sex can be a valuable path to understanding what a calm, balanced nervous system feels like!

from annanotbob2 :

I had to do a session on zoom with my therapist when her daughter tested positive for covid - not good at all. xxx

from jimbostaxi :

I go through fazes where I'm embarrassed about being emotional and then I'll purge a whole bunch of entries. Soccara’s condition is not great so there’s a very good chance ill be banging out 3-4 entries a day again to quell the pain. Diaryland is the bandaid for my broken psyche and I always try to rip it off when I think I'm healed. Lol

from jimbostaxi :

People tell me Jimbo talk to someone it will help and I always say, “I'm not into zoom and all that facetime stuff.” The truth is it's much more satisfying to roll my eyes at them in person than via telephone. Lol

from annanotbob2 :

Loved today's entry - so much good stuff going on - yay for you!

from swordfern :

Going all in is harrowing. Sometimes we try going all in for a day or two and then reel back, terrified of letting it all go. It is possible to have freedom from an ED. I never thought that I could become bored of food and nonchalant about meals, but here I am after decades of disordered eating. The first part - that leap off the edge - and staying the course for weeks, months, is truly the hardest part. The part about recovery being a non-linear process? It's very true and reminding ourselves of this when we find ourselves ashamed can be a comfort.

from jimbostaxi :

The sleeping in my bed thing is good and bad. I do enjoy being able to just blackout and recharge but the groggy trying to wake up part is so much harder. Xo

from annanotbob2 :

Sometimes I don't have words but don't want to scroll on without saying anything. That's when I leave xxx which means 'I hear you and I support you, albeit in a useless virtual way.' xxx

from jimbostaxi :

I will give it a try but no promises :) the sleep-deprived aggressive me doesn't trust the well-rested depressed me to handle things. Lol

from annanotbob2 :

Hugs from me too. We can get through this - you through yours, me through mine. xx

from jimbostaxi :

Hey, I just want you to know I have been following your posts about therapy and your feelings. I don't think you” re spewing “toxic positivity.” thanks for the note! Stay strong. Xo

from annanotbob2 :

No, I pay for my therapy. I started getting my pension during the first lockdown and managed to save quite a bit towards it, and now I've taken out a loan. My daughter at one point was very very unwell and was on a ward, then attached to the Maudsley Hospital where she had a brilliant therapist, but only for six weeks. In that time she set her up with all kinds of fab, helpful stuff but it wasn't really enough to keep her going. Later she keeled over again, living back down here, and as a family we decided to share the cost. We asked the Maudsley therapist if she could recommend anyone and she did. That worked really well - Daughter saw her for quite a long time, we all chipped in a tenner a week and Daughter has made big changes in her life and relationships which she's kept up. So I asked her to recommend someone for me and she's been fab. NHS seems to have outsourced mental health care - Mind are running it here and they're bloody rubbish.

from annanotbob2 :

Wow, we are walking a similar path, aren't we? Though me starting therapy coincided with me not blogging for months on end. I think we have to choose the hard path if we want a sweeter one after - I can finally see that my choices now are unconsciously formulated based on shit that happened when I was a kid and it's never done me any good. My therapist believes we can mend and I have to give it a go. We can do this! Can I ask where you are - as in US or UK or indeed elsewhere. I'm on the south coast of the UK xx

from annanotbob2 :

1/12 Hugs x

from annanotbob2 :

Thanks for your note! It made me feel really happy. I look forward to getting to know you xx

from zoela :

thank you for your encouraging and compassionate words. it really helped me get through a hard moment, and i really, really appreciate it. truly. thank you.

from swordfern :

Your husband and your relationship sound lovely. This entry is a beautiful appreciation of his kindness.

from swordfern :

I like your writing. I'm so glad that you wrote me a note.

from jimbostaxi :

God, not being able to cry,,, can't release,,, different circumstances but I could have written that. Sending hugs! :)

from jimbostaxi :

There are still some great people on here who make an effort to reach out and I try to do the same. My writing has evolved a lot over the years and I could not have done it without this place and its denizens. Thank you for that awesome feedback! I look forward to reading your blog and the opportunity of leaving you a note equally as powerful.

from jimbostaxi :

Karaoke sounds like a wonderful way to pass the time. My kids would have me carted off to jail if they ever heard my singing voice. Lol

from jimbostaxi :

New reader, thanks for adding me! :)

from revisions :

"some things i wish would just be erased from my memory." me too.

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