bchaos's Diaryland Diary

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Two-Faced/Two Dates

I had lunch today with two friends i haven't seen in quite a while. Both used to work at the college i attended a while back. One was a career counselor i befriended from the Criminal Justice course i was taking; we'll call her CSI-Chick. Obvious by her 'diary-given-name' she used to be a crime scene analyst. She worked in Santa Barbara. She's been a "cheerleader from the side-lines". She's been very encouraging of my desire to go into law enforcement. When we met for lunch today she picked up on that and asked what i had done.
"I think you should really go into it, i mean, its not a 'fad' or anything you sort of thought you might do," CSI-Chick drank what was left of her soup. We were at a sushi restaurant, starting off with our soups. "If it was just a fad i think you would've forgotten about it already."
I nod my head, agreeing with her point.
"Maybe you need to go on another ride-along," she hinted.
"I actually thought about that recently," i admitted.
"It might set you off on the right course of whether or not you still enjoy that field and make the decision easier for you."
"I think i might take you up on that."
"I figured you would've been all over that by now," she searched for an explanation to my fallback.
"Its a confidence thing," i said openly. "I don't think i'm ready."
"I think you should do it," she replied without hesitation. "I think you'll be fine. You need to go on another ride-along to refocus your efforts and see where things lead." She looks at me directly and says, "I'm going to be a 'big sister' or 'mother' and say that you need to save money as this great job you have because when the academy comes you wont get your full pay and may need to dip into your savings. So work hard, work those 12hr shifts and save for the when the day comes."
We caught up on other things, her new job since leaving the college i attended over a year ago. We talked about her mother recently passing away and how the rest of her family was doing. She asked about my sister and my nephew JJ. It was a lunch filled with a lot of talk of 'whats new'. It was great seeing her again.
Somehow in all this 'Grant' came into the picture when she asked about him. It threw me off balance and the upbeat aura of the conversation changed. It was from smiling faces to a very stern and almost melancholy place. It made me suddenly realize that CSI-Chick DIDN'T even know i was gay. Sh!t! Why the heck haven't i told her? So, it wasn't just the 'Grant' thing. I teetered between telling her who i really was and 'Grant'. But you can't explain 'Grant' until i start with me. I answered politely and tried to keep it short.
I start off breezy, "He's good, he um... came to visit back in March-."
"Oh, wow, that's so great!" she replies.
"Yeah, he came on his birthday and we had a good time," i added.
"Wow, what's he doing now?"
"He's in WestPoint now," sounding very proud of him. "He made it, he's in."
"You guys still talk?"
"Um, yeah," knowing the truth isn't so simple. "He texted recently asking how things were...."
She looks at me with a certain smile of curiosity and compassion as if reading right through me.
I sit uncomfortably knowing where the speculation is going, but i'm unable to recover my poise and just continue to stir. I feel like telling her so much and yet at the same time don't want to ruin the moment any more than i have. It's hard to break eye contact with her to search the room for a new conversation topic and just take on the 'light in my eyes' that was her stare. My confident poise melted.
"Yeah..." i say, as if that would've deterred her attention.
"What else is new?" she asks, fishing for the right words.
We moved on immediately and picked up on the fact that we're getting old. We shared our dilemma of now needing reading glasses. (CSI-Chick is in her late 30's and i'm 24). She immediately pokes fun at the fact that i shouldn't be feeling old, but i can't help but feel a little more mortal.
(I have to add that CSI-Chick looks AMAZING regardless of age! I think she looks late 20's)
We share stories and convince ourselves of our optometrists words that our astigmatism isn't bad enough to warrant glasses 24/7 but "as needed".
We ended our lunch and we embraced being so happy to see each other doing well. It had been almost a year since last we talked.

Today i double-booked and met with another friend, Vero (She used to work in 'financial aid' at my college). I met Vero for lunch as right after CSI-Chick. I purposely ate a light meal at the sushi place... then again how much can you get stuffed on sushi?
In contrast to CSI-Chick i am very open with Vero. Vero i hadn't seen in equally the same amount of time. Seeing her again was very heart-warming. We used to sit in her office for hours, when i should've been in class, talking! It was to the point where we both got into trouble at one point, but anywho...
She joked about wanting to hook me up with a friend of hers. We touched on that very briefly. We mostly caught up on our current affairs. In all ironies, i had forgotten to tell her about my sister Ema's pregnancy. Ooops? But had told CSI-Chick?
I told her, "If my mom was about to commit suicide over THAT can you imagine what would've happened if i told her about me?"
Vero laughs and add, "i know, oh my gawd."
"I would've been 'hi, mom. I'm gay, but that's okay, at least you're getting a grandson now, ta-da'"
We both laugh.
"You were thinking of telling her this year?" Vero asks.
"Yes," i reply. "I was thinking of telling her around my birthday, which is when she told me about my sister. Judging from her reaction about that i decided not to tell her, although i was tempted to turn my sister's 'tragedy' into a 'blessing' by pointing out the fact that i would never be able to give her a grandchild-"
"Oh, don't say that!" Vero is quick. "You too can have a kid."
'"Oh please," i express. "I feel barren at times, or with an un-descended testicle."
We laugh.
"we need to do this more often," Vero adds.

Both meetings were nice and fun. It had been almost a year since i had seen both of them. It's odd because neither knew about each other and never interacted even when they worked on the same campus. Go figure.

Such is my two-faced world!

9:12 p.m. - 2008-09-12

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