this is so much harder than i ever thought it would be. shane has colic. when he cries like that. when he screams. i can't even breathe.
he started throwing up last night and we decide to take him to the doctor this morning. and so it was something like i'm overfeeding him. because when he cries, i feed him. i burp him. i change him. i rock him. nothing works. so i feed him again. and the doctor said he cries so much because his tummy is upset. instead of feeding him 4 ounces every 3 hours, i have to give him 2 every 1 and 1/2 hours. so that means no more sleep AT ALL. not that i get any anyway. somewhere between 4 and 6am, i black out, so maybe that counts?
so anyway, i'm overfeeding him or something. but today, i did EXACTLY what that doctor said. nothing worked. WHY is this happening? he screams so loud, i can't hear anything else. my mom is worried too. she said she's never heard a baby scream like that. he cries for hours. until i can't remember when he last ate or slept because all i can think of is the sweat running down his face and the veins popping out on his neck. he has no fever. his lungs are fine. his ear, eyes, nose, and throat are fine. no infections. nothing. i don't know what to do.
sunday, he turned a month old. he doesn't smile. he doesn't even look mildly content. he only smiles when he's asleep. and i almost die when i see that smile. i think that my world would be alright no matter what-- you could cut off my left arm and i wouldn't care, if i could just see that smile forever. for one more second.
but he won't do it when he's awake. steve said maybe he's mad at us. i said for what? he said for bringing him into this world.
:(
12:10 a.m. - 2001-07-19
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