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I am sorry you are feeling that way. If it is any consolation I often experience "buyers remorse" but I just keep stepping and eventually I am not in bad anymore. Everything is temporary both good and bad so hold on it will get better.

from blueyedmom :

Thank you aliannmil! I have a feeling I will be around again for a while. Have a great day!

from aliannmil :

Best of luck with your move, nice to see you back, missed you.

from aliannmil :

Hugs

from twisted-mind :

I love you, like a mom, like a sister but mostly like I friend. when I grow up, I want to be more like you.

from aliannmil :

I wish you Peace.

from blueyedmom :

Thanks for-tart and vxxn! I think it's going to be an ok day!

from vxxen :

Totally missed you!

from for-tart :

Good to see your name again. Hope today is a good day.

from twisted-mind :

Love ya P. Noticed the drop in pictures. Always thinking about you.

from twisted-mind :

Gah! I don't know what to say...

from smokefree-me :

Isn't giving lots of hugs & kisses in a Gramma's job description? Trust that he'll have fun & be fine. Go have fun yourself. It's only a week, it'll fly by if you're busy. Keep S 'busy', that'll help! ;o)

from blueyedmom :

Thanks everybody for your kind words and thoughts! It means so much to me.

from twisted-mind :

Oh She definitely came to you and she's found peace. If only you can find it for yourself. There is so much more to say, but I don't have the words. I have a sister, but I wish you were my sister instead of her.

from smokefree-me :

P - Welcome back!! Your dream certainly was significant. J really is ok now. Love to catch up with you. Rant away to [email protected]

from aliannmil :

Thinking of you and wishing you Peace.

from for-tart :

My Father appeared in one of my dreams several months after he passed. It gave me a sense of contentment, too. Welcome back.

from twisted-mind :

You ever going to update this thing, woman?

from anenigma :

Just catching up with your journal...((Hugs)) to you. I'd like to send you something, email me, [email protected]

from twisted-mind :

Happy Mother's Day!

from twisted-mind :

Take care of yourself.

from gr8chick :

Yes, my dear...I'm back. Trying to catch up on my faves. Just wanted to let you know I'm here...and you've peaked my curiosity!

from shear-madnez :

I think it's a wonderful idea to keep a paper journal! Just getting things down on paper will help so much.

from twisted-mind :

I think the paper journal is a wonderful idea. I'm glad your sister talked with you last night and kept you from being alone. Take baby A out this weekend and do something fun, just the two of you. Take care P, know that I care a great deal for you and I will gladly help in any way possible.

from enurta :

I'm sorry you lost your daughter....<3

from twisted-mind :

How's this week treating you?

from shear-madnez :

You ARE an amazing woman and I think your neice is an amazing girl. Just the most perfect text message I've ever read!

from twisted-mind :

What an awesome text! You have no idea how awesome you really are.

from for-tart :

Thinking of your family. Hope all is getting better.

from twisted-mind :

You were in shock before and now it is setting in that it is real. I'm sure having the bday party without her hurt like hell. Take care of you Patti. You are in my thoughts, sweets.

from twisted-mind :

One more (((Hug))) just because.

from shear-madnez :

(((Hugs)))

from twisted-mind :

Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.

from aliannmil :

I am so very sorry. No matter how much pain they cause, our children will forever be the tiny one we brought into the world and the ache of loss is the same whether they are stumbling through life or gliding on air. My heart goes out to you in this awful time. I wish you Peace ~ alison

from twisted-mind :

I've always been impressed with you, in the ways you handle yourself the way you keep positive. Those beautiful grandbabies... this may be what God had in mind for them. To make it easier on all of you and for her to finally have peace. As funny as this sounds, I love you and I will always be there to support you as much as I can in this little internet world. Always know you've got a friend in me.

from for-tart :

Your last post was hard to read. Wishing the best for you.

from twisted-mind :

Hugs. I thinking you are doing the right thing.

from smokefree-me :

Your heart and mind are in the right place. I believe you're doing the right thing. It just seems that your daughter doesn't want to accept responsibility for her own kids and since you can't stand to see the children suffer, you pick up her slack. Can't fault you for that. But maybe J needs more than a hand slapping. Think on it. You don't have to decide anything today or tomorrow. Take the time and make the decision you can live best with.

from smokefree-me :

Guys are emotionally stunted. Or at least we suck at expressing our emotions. Especially the wet ones. It's too mushy to get in tough with that side of ourselves. It's much better (and easier) for us to show you how big & strong we can be. oh - and how we're good at fixing things. Can't talk about things for crap - but we can fix 'em. But - you know how it is. Glad to see you back. Hang in there . . .

from smokefree-me :

I'm happy for you that J is keeping her recovery going strong. Maybe this latest episode will finally convince her about what's his face. But don't pin any expectations on it. Live in the moment - enjoy what's good right now.

from twisted-mind :

Yay! I'm so glad you had a good day with her.

from twisted-mind :

Hugs, just lots and lots of hugs!

from aliannmil :

Glad to hear baby A is better (and you are sleeping). I'm weird, I miss the middle of the night feedings with Baby Boy. A little quiet time. As for J, sorry to say there is nothing to be done but let go. At some point we must all get over whatever mistakes our parents made and learn to live right. I swear the first step to adulthood, true adulthood, is recognizig the humanity of your parents and forgiving them any hurts they unwittingly delivered during your childhood. Until you forgive them you will never grow up. My idiot brother still blames my parents (or anyone else he can) for all his troubles. This is not your problem it is hers, let it go, you did the best you could at the time.

from twisted-mind :

We are all a work in progress. Hope you have a weekend full of rest and lots of grandbaby goodness.

from smokefree-me :

Blue - you need to detach. You recognize that J is pushing your buttons. Want to really piss her off? Learn how to not let her push your buttons. Most importantly, well, two things. 1 - None of J's issues are your fault. 2 - She needs to suffer the FULL consequences of her behavior. No rescuing by you, S or her sister. Keep her kids if you must, but she's got to hit bottom.

from twisted-mind :

You so need to tell her off. Honestly, you need to speak your mind to her and quit letting her get off so easy. I know it has to be hard but how dare she say anything about the way you were as a parent when she can't even parent her own children. It is just wrong... I'm sorry if my words offend or hurt. My son didn't hardly talk until almost 2�-3 years old. Write her a letter and tell her all your thoughts, if she doesn't like it then she doesn't need to come visit anymore. Know that I mean this in the best way possible and not to hurt you.

from shear-madnez :

You know, a whole lot of babies don't start talking at 20 months. She's found a button to push. You are a wonderful mother and grandmother. Don't let her push your buttons.

from for-tart :

You are still a better parent/grandparent than I. I would have told her she is raising both kids or the state will. Here's to a better tomorrow, Blue Eyes.

from twisted-mind :

So glad Baby A is feeling better, hope you get better real quick too.

from twisted-mind :

I hope today is a much better day for Baby A but mostly for you.

from smokefree-me :

Hey Blue. Everything Gr8chick said? Me too. It's a tough spot you;re in but you're handling it well. Next time your daughter gets all misty eyed about having another child, ask her to take care of her first two for a month or so. That - or suggest a hysterectomy!

from gr8chick :

Ohhh...Lady, I commend you for doing what you're doing for your daughter...for your grandkids. I take my grand daughter overnight maybe about every two or three weeks. Man, by the next day it's like..."K..luv you, kissy, M'bye-bye!" I love her, but it is a lot of time and energy. Last weekend I had her, and she had an asthma attack. OMG...I freaked out! I could not find her medicine to put into her machine. Of course, my daughter was not answering her phone, because she could not hear it over the music in the club. But talk about "Fear." You have every right to feel the way you do...so don't feel guilty about it. And you probably handle the situation a lot better I would have done. Because I would have just started yelling at that girl, and probably would have tried to strangle her. Those feelings will pass......I think....I hope. Hang in there. You sound like a wonderful grandmother, and an outstanding mom! :)

from smokefree-me :

Too quiet on the Blue-eyed front. Hope all is well.

from gr8chick :

Hi! Thank you so much for the comment. I have added you to my favs, and I will be lurking around. ;) Hope you have a great day, and a wonderful New Years!

from twisted-mind :

Aww happy birthday to your youngest! Hope you all have a fantastic Christmas!

from aliannmil :

When I was young and thought myself quite wise I advised my parents not to take my nephew and instead allow him to be adopted by his foster family. My brother wasn't a good parent and his ex-wife was worse. I'm not sure if I was right or wrong then but I can tell you that my brother only fought for his kids because it was what he thought my Mom wanted. I think he would have let him go if my parents had encouraged him. He is one of those who shouldn't have had children and somewhere deep inside he knows it. Maybe you should consider letting your daughter give up the fight to get your grand-daughter back. It might mean letting your daughter go but maybe you can forgive her and love her in spite of her choices when you know that her baby girl is safe with you. Of course now that I am older I know I'm not wise so feel free to ignore my unsolicited advice. By the way, how is your sister doing?

from twisted-mind :

You totally deserve it. You paid your dues and now it is your turn. I haven't forgot your layout either... I promise.

from becca27 :

Thats because you are an angel to your grandkids and your daughter. You deserve all of that and more!

from becca27 :

I don't understand your daughter either. I have a drinking problem but I love my son so much. This week it really dawned on me that I HAVE to stop drinking. The one thing that scares the hell out of me is my husband taking my son and having custody. I couldn't imagine. I know that will happen if I keep drinking. I love my son so much, he's my life, I couldn't live without him. Your a great person and your grandkids are so lucky to have you.

from for-tart :

I think you have to be lucky for true love to find you. I've tried to capture it and it just does not work that way.

from twisted-mind :

Patti, we have got to spice up this layout. Tell me your two favorite colors, your three favorite things and any other ideas and I'll try to make you something pretty.

from twisted-mind :

All I can offer is cyber hugs. How horribly frustrating and annoying for you, this situation is.

from twisted-mind :

I'm so sorry for everything that is going on. I can't imagine having to let go of that beautiful little girl. And little E, that will be so hard for him. I'll listen any time you need, you know my email now. K?

from aliannmil :

Sorry to hear about your sister. My Mom took a tumble two years ago and also had to go into a nursing home for a while to recover (she was 72). They stay on to of the recovery there and made sure she went for her rehab every day (unlike out patient where she could blow it off). Lots of her friends visited and that made it less lonely for her. Trust me, she'll be better off there than at home feeling sorry for herself. Question: Are you raising your grandkids? I just ask cause my folks are doing the same (as you might already know from reading). Happy dysfunctional Thanksgiving to you.

from smokefree-me :

Those deer? SO not frolicking. Although there was an f-word involved, frolicking wasn't it. About your sis - watch that you don't get sucked into doing everything for her. I think you're doing ok insisting that she do more for herself, just don't get sucked in. Make her work for a recovery.

from smokefree-me :

Yep. Just do it. Sooner you get little A feeling better, the sooner you get to feel better. Hope you get to re-charge this weekend!!

from smokefree-me :

3 years!?!?! Without getting caught? Wow. After getting busted after only 3 months, 3 years sounds, just, wow.

from smokefree-me :

Go ahead and plan out the whole week. Just be prepared to change everything at a moments notice. And remember - people are generally as happy as they allow themselves to be.

from smokefree-me :

Oh lordy. Got your last couple comments now too. You might guess where I'm off to just now. Time to go see Ms. CL and out an end to things. Cindy & I had an excellent conversation over dinner and I think we are seeing eye to eye. We each voiced some concerns, acknowledged the others worries. It was almost like we were adults. And you;re right, 2 months of great sex doesn't make a relationship. Cindy did ask how good the sex was. I lied and told her it wasn't better, just different. So I guess we're on the path to reconciling. I'm also glad you voiced your opinion. It's not like yours was the only voice I heard, but I definitely considered what your experience was when I was tying to make up my own mind. Thanks for pitching in your $0.02 - it mattered.

from smokefree-me :

Got your comment. Very true Blue. One way or another, we are always right where we need to be at the moment. The question is if we recognize it for what it is.

from twisted-mind :

Could you please have little E come over and talk to my son about the joys of sleeping in their own bed in their own room? Please!

from smokefree-me :

Your family is not like all the rest, but it's no different than the rest either. We're glad you're here, all the same.

from twisted-mind :

I don't know why it wouldn't let you post, stupid site. But thank you so much for making the effort to comment on diaryland. It meant the world to me and I needed to hear my own words thrown back at me. I so appreciate your thoughts.

from twisted-mind :

Rock on! I find it hard to stand up to anyone, but when it comes to the kids I try to do it. Oddly enough when I stand up for my kids with my husband he says I'm just making excuses for them and maybe I am, but who will stand up for them, if not me?

from twisted-mind :

What a handsome little dude. This year when my son started 1st grade I too was a little choked up. They grow up so fast.

from smokefree-me :

I like your list so far. Some things are very do-able, others are going to require some real work. I say go for it all!!

from twisted-mind :

Sorry to hear about your daughter but so glad everything turned out ok.

from smokefree-me :

Thanks so much for your kind, encouraging comments. You sure he said "I gotta take a shower" instead of "you ain't seen nothin' yet"? B-b-b-baby? Speaking of getting some luvin - I'm due. Over due. Think I'll go fix that soon.

from twisted-mind :

You have every right to be sad and or angry. I don't know how you do it. I wouldn't even want her in my house. Hope your day gets a little easier and much better.

from smokefree-me :

My shrink just had me do this: Make a list of everything and everyone that makes me angry. Then think about it for a few days and refine it to stuff that really gets me angry and stuff that's just annoying. Then think about it for a few more days and narrow it down again. I was surprised to find it was my reactions to things that were really getting me angry. Part of letting go of what other people do is understanding your own reactions to them. Did that make ANY sense, or am I fooling even me?

from twisted-mind :

Again I'm so sorry your grandkids, your boyfriend and you are going through this. S is a wonderful man and you are an awesome grandma. If you lived a little closer I'd gladly watch both kids for you, although I think the commute to Idaho would be a little long. Stay positive you and S will get through this, you've already been through so much.

from smokefree-me :

You're on the right path. Seems as though everyone around you is pitching in. The best help you can give your daughter is to do nothing. Hard and harsh as it may seem, bailing her out yet again will only prolong the inevitable. Better to let her bounce off the bottom and feel just how far she has fallen. Then she may actually try to own the process of recovery. Hang in there Blueyes, we're pulling for you AND your daughter.

from smokefree-me :

I'd say welcome back, but it seems as if you never left. Big, big props to S for stepping in like he did. Now, at elast, you have your grandkiddies in a safe place. What you are doing with your daughter is detaching. Difficult, but necessary. She obviously hasn't reached her bottom yet. The less you help her, the sooner she'll get there. I believe that the bottom is when the addict (drugs, alcohol, pick your poison) finally decides deep inside that they've had enough and they want to get better for themselves - not because any of us want them to. You're headed down the right path - just keep your grandkids safe & warm and let your daughter figure it out for herself. And thanks for your comment the other day. Those little pats on the back mean tons, as I'm sure you know. Take care.

from twisted-mind :

Dear sweet woman, you are the most amazing person I've ever come across. A is so lucky to have you and S. And S, what a great man is he? You and he will get through this, maybe not easily but you will. I'm so sorry that you are going through this again.

from twisted-mind :

That's ok. My sister is just like yours. I totally understand.

from smokefree-me :

Denver! Somwhow I had you in Maryland. Oops. And yes, the coastal part of Virginia is insanely hot & humid this time of year. (this coming from an upstate New Yorker, so adjust accordingly). Twisted mind has a great idea too. Invite your older brother over. Maybe even have him "suggest" to your sister that she adjust to include more family on their restaraunt trips. Enjoy your trip east. Wave as you fly over, ok?

from twisted-mind :

Why not just ask the brother who loves you mostest to stay over at your house. Tell him you'd love to have him spend the night and you could make your own plans. Don't bother with the wealthy sister, she does it on purpose, don't you think?

from smokefree-me :

So far it's unanimous. Women's cadavers seem to be worth more than mens. Every gal's score I've seen has been over 4k, every guy's, under 4k. Makes me wonder what they're doing with them . . .

from twisted-mind :

That picture is so cute! I love the look on their little faces.

from twisted-mind :

Click on the picture you want to use on flickr, then click on the size you want and a code will be shown to for you to use to post to your site. Also you should burn a copy of your photos to a CD for safe keeping but even a burnt cd only lasts 7 years before the pictures lose their quality.

from smokefree-me :

I do flickr myself, but there's other options. You might try photo bucket too. I think they have diary/blog friendly links too.

from smokefree-me :

You're a good egg blue. I'm so sad for your losses, but it's good that your experiences let you understand what your boyfriend is going through. I'm sure he'll appreciate your understanding.

from twisted-mind :

http://itsjustme.org/everyday-amy You are so welcome. Sometimes we feel sooo alone in our thoughts its nice to know others have been through it too.

from twisted-mind :

Its impossible for your moods not to be affected by his moods. I too struggle with that battle. Husband comes home bitching and moody, how do I hold onto the good mood I've had all day? Keep the faith.

from smokefree-me :

Glad you managed to pull it off! Even better that everyone had a good time!!

from smokefree-me :

Resentment is a heavy load. It's good to let go.

from smokefree-me :

Hey Blue - I think you have your head on straight. You're approaching this with exactly the right mind set. You get better, your boyfriend will want to know how you did it, you show him and you're on your way.

from curiouoso :

Dear Blueyed mom, I just noticed you added me to your favorites. Thank you, I hope you find it worthwhile! I'm always excited when someone new adds me. Why? Maybe I feel Loved? or Appreciated? or just egotistical? Whatever , Thanks. I'll be reading you more in the next few weeks so maybe we'll have our own "Mutual admiration Society"! I'm not sure where that came from, but Mom used to say that. Bye, Curiouoso*

from smokefree-me :

Sick & tired of being sick & tired? Excellent first step. Love to hear how it goes!

from smokefree-me :

Just remember, what ever you do for S's 50th b'day is likely to come back at you doubled. Regardless - have a blast with it!!

from smokefree-me :

That was a big step you took. Congrats on completing it!

from smokefree-me :

5/4/07 YOu've been quiet lately. Things going ok for you?? Hope so.

from smokefree-me :

Hi there blueyedmom, When you try to figure out why you're so angry at the world, don't forget to look inside for causes too. That's where I found much of my own anger to be coming from. A humbling experience, to be sure.

from aliannmil :

You have taken the first step. I can recommend AA as a way of working through the recovery process. You don't need to live in chains anymore. ~ I wish you Peace ~ alison

from rdhdprincess :

Sisters sound wonderful. I often wish I had one! Good luck with your daughter and granddaughter. That sounds like such a difficult situation. I couldn't stand to see my granddaughter suffer with her mom, but I wouldn't want to sit around and take care of her kid and make it easier for her to do drugs either. I will think good thoughts for all of you. I hope she recovers quickly! You are a good mother and grandma.

from twisted-mind :

I'm so sorry for your daughter's grief.

from twisted-mind :

So glad to finally see an update. I kept you on my buddylist because I just hoped I'd find out your life was going well. I'm so glad it is. You so deserve happiness.

from twisted-mind :

Hope you are doing well and are just too busy to update.

from twisted-mind :

That was a wonderful letter to your daughter. I am sure it will help her in her lonely days. You rock as a mom.

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