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I'm glad you're back ... if unhappily. I missed you. I don't think you're cursed. I think you are cool and smart and talented and self-destructive. I think you could kick it if you thought you worth it. You don't. Can you consider that maybe your mirror is as warped as mine. Love, M

from blueeyesblue :

I'm so glad you updated. I was getting worried. And I missed you. So much of what you write reminds me of me -- from injured animals to depression to dependency on a fucked-up fam to refusing to see a Dr. about your hearing -- in a way that no one else on d-land does. Two points, though: there have GOT to be free clinics in your area. They're not for losers, moochers, etc. They're for people who don't have health insurance. PERIOD. The US is the only industrialized country that does not have health insurance as a basic right for EVERY citizen. So go get your goddamn ears checked, and do it pronto. It just BURNS me that in the richest country in the world, some one like you is trying to save up money waitressing so she can get her basic health needs met. Point 2: YOUR MOTHER KILLED HER BROTHER??? Sweet jeezums, D, do you have any idea how even NORMAL problems can have a ripple effect through generations? Forget something like that ... I can't even imagine. Recently I wrote an entry, "Sarah," about the effect of a dead aunt I never knew on my life. It's been pretty profound, and she died quite naturally, of cancer. What effect did what happened with your mother and her brother have on yours? Have you ever really written about it or talked about it? Love M

from blueeyesblue :

Well, damn, D, you've got to be the sweetest person in the whole wide world. Mother Theresa would have loved you -- and I'm not being sarcastic. I know you call this your "wall of shame," but you shouldn't be ashamed of being a billion times more compassionate than the average human being and unable to "avert your eyes." But you HAVE to learn how to live in this nasty world without destroying yourself, you know. Mother Theresa nursed, and saw the beauty in, dying people in the street that everyone else stepped over. I'm certain she'd see your kindness to the squirrel as a gift, not a failure because he/she died. Why can't you? Love, M

from blueeyesblue :

I just wanted to let you know that this is very familiar to me -- the conflict between someone who feels the urge to self-destruct and to some extent engages in the behavior and someone who loves them deeply as a person and doesn't understand why the person they love is "selfish" enough to inflict so much pain on themself and the people who love them. It doesn't have easy answers, and your friend's email is a hard one to respond to ... I think you should glean from it that she loves you even if she doesn't understand why you do the things you do and feels very hurt by them ... that she's willing to give you another chance, but not a carte blanche to destroy yourself with her as a witness. Does that make any sense? (And PS, she sounds pretty cool. You should try to keep her. I think she is a real friend.) Love, M

from blueeyesblue :

I'm so glad you're back. I've been moving and so i'm out of it, but I worried about you. Have you read "Sadacko and the 1000 paper cranes?" I can do oragami but I'm bad at baskets. I don't have the patience for recalcitrant reeds. I think you should try to sell them. I admire your talent with both. M

from blueeyesblue :

I know it isn't funny, but "broken and picking up dog shit" made me laugh. It sounds like one of my rants ... and I know that after a rant like that my mom (a spectacular lady) would say, "M, don't you think you take yourself just a LITTLE BIT too seriously?" In my opinion, EVERYONE should spend some time picking up dog shit for money. It eliminates the human tendency toward arrogance. I've been a burger flipper and a taxi driver and a cow shit shoveler and everything in between. I think it has been quite good for me -- I know I'm no different from anyone else. Plus, I now know how to properly shove cow shit down a grate with a hoe. Yesterday I went to the supermarket -- in my professional black -- and the guy who was bagging my groceries was clearly someone who was capable of more than bagging groceries. A mid-thirties professional who must have been laid off -- he kept apologizing for being bad at bagging. I could tell he was totally humiliated. I said, "That's okay. It's a useful skill to learn. You'll be able to bag your own groceries so you don't break the eggs -- and plus, imagine the stories you're going to have to tell!" He thanked me; he looked kind of grateful to me for seeing him as he thought of himself. But on the subject of you -- the broken nail was an absolutely beautiful metaphor. Bill Gates probably can't write like that, and wishes he could. You ARE talented; you can't see it because you see it up close and I see you from a distance. You can go far. Perhaps you need to think of this as "the dark winter of the soul," and learn from it. Love, M

from blueeyesblue :

Don't you DARE. I would NOT forgive you. I think you're within your rights to feel crappy about the day, but completely unreasonable to feel crappy about yourself. You have got to know it does you and the world no good at all. You don't deserve it. Hugs. M

from blueeyesblue :

Thanks, dear, for leaving me the message. I'm glad you're okay ... one worry not to have. Luv, m

from lacorneille :

De nada. :)

from blueeyesblue :

Where are you? I miss you. I worry about you little ... Sweetie, tell me you're okay or that you're not, but just tell me something. BEB

from lacorneille :

Welcome to the Sandman diaryring!

from blueeyesblue :

I am so glad you went outside! Luv, BEB.

from blueeyesblue :

I'm sure you know this, dear, but there's a name for fear of going outside. It's some sort of phobia, like fear of spiders. I personally am deathly afraid of anything that has an exoskeleton and liquid innards and is more than an inch long (read LARGE BUGS), as well as LARGE CATERPILLARS. Happily as I no longer work in the domain of tomato worms, this doesn't particularly affect my life. Other people are overwhelmingly afraid of flying on planes, large crowds, etc. -- and it does affect their lives drastically. From what I've read, it's sort of a subconscious thing your brain does to protect you from some danger preceived as real. It doesn't mean you're weak. It doesn't mean you're bad. It means you have a problem that is shared by 1000s and 1000s of other people. (Emily Dickenson?) I wish you could try to believe that. I wish you could believe that you deserve to be all that you can be. I wish you would pick up the phone and call someone -- there must be an 800 line or a crisis line in your phone book and they can give you referrals. As you probably know, there's a huge web of help available in most places, most of it sucks, and its riddled with bureaucracy -- thus it's hard sorting through it, which can make the call even scarier. If you feel overwhelmed (I understand) I hope I'm not overstepping if I make an offer: If you leave in my guestbook the city and state where you live, I can make a few calls myself and see what's out there. One of the blessings of being a reporter is being able to sift through an incredible amount of bureaucratic shit and interagency alliances in a small amount of time. I wouldn't mind at all; it would give me something fun to do on my Wednesday off. I could sort of a synopsis in your guestbook or email it to you if you leave me an email address. Take care of yourself... M

from blueeyesblue :

What a wonderfully instrospective entry. You clearly know what's up with your mind. It reminded me of one of my favorite explanations/excuses: "The child who has been burned fears the fire." It seems as though you have the capacity to be very passionate, but don't know how to use it cause you've been burned so many times. I don't want to be obnoxious, but maybe you should try to get a job with health insurance that will let you pick a counselor/therapist (instead of some overloaded addictions counselor on the state payroll who you probably would not connect with at all. It might help. M PS I actually sympathize incredibly about your feelings about your cat liking other people! (I'm not particularly paranoid about my cat's other relationships now, but I sure was when I was nine.)

from blueeyesblue :

Well, get thine arse out there and get a job! Then you can move out, start getting a clue about what normal people do with themselves (I too am still learning) and maybe eventually think of the last few years (or decades) of you life as a bad dream from which you learned a lot. I skimmed some of your earlier diary entries, and one line -- "is it wrong to dream of being what one is not" or something similar, struck me. I think you and I have similar problems -- thinking what was done to us/what we saw/what we did in the past destines us for lives half-lived... if nothing else, you could get pissed off. I'm royally pissed off at my job situation right now so I've GOT to get my head straight and go back to school so I can get a REAL job... anyway it makes me sad to see you stagnating. You're not stupid, you're just self-destructive. You deserve to have a cool life (no, maybe I shouldn't say that... if somebody said that to me I'd say "horseshit.") But what would you say to someone in your situation? M

from blueeyesblue :

Hey D, Thanks for your message. I added you to my faves (which is limited to people whose diaries I actually like to read, and thus is rather short). I have to reiterate how sorry I am that you are holed up (I'm a hypocrite; I'm holed up too with the exception of my fairly public work life) ... but just seems such a waste of someone with your talents. You ARE talented, and more than that you have a gift, which I believe is not given at random. Perhaps you family situation (like mine and my ED) is merely a "honing" of this talent: I know I am a better writer because I never judge anyone for being addicted, frightened, or out of control. You might want to look into "The Writer's Market" (ask for non-fiction, unless you want otherwise). You can send off a manuscrpt and get it rejected! You'll get rejected probably 20:1, so keep that in mind -- being a writer is about saying, Oops, these guys didn't get it; who might? Try it ... or at least leave me a note. Luv, M

from blueeyesblue :

D, you are a topnotch writer. I skimmed your diary, and had a thousand thoughts ... I too grew up in a deranged household, but loved (and still love) family members like you seem to. Yet it left some pretty significant and physical scars. I think to overcome, and go outside, and escape, you need to know you are unusual and have talents which can help people. You are a damn good writer, d. People have told you before, but if you lived in my town, I'd be chasin' your arse down to write for my newspaper and hoping I could kick your tail towards an even better paper and a career. Do you realize how talented you are? I doubt it. I do, because I sift through reams of untalented writing 11-plus hours a day. Take my word, you have a gift. Use it. M

from damik :

Hi, I wanted to welcome you to the selfdistruct diary ring, and to thank you for posting the code, I'm sorry I didn't welcome you sooner. I enjoyed what I read of your diary, you have a good writing style.

from gir-my-hero :

hello, you seem pretty awesome, invader zim rules, and you listen to some pretty good music too!

from ludicn :

I love your entry about your kitty. I have been off meds for a couple months now... and even though I'm on the verge of tears about so many silly things almost every day, it's so nice to be able to feel the ups & downs in my life rather than float by in a medication induced haze. Perhaps I was just prescribed the wrong type of med for me.... but whatever. My kitty has brought so much happiness into my life. I too have wondered why I didn't have him around years ago. On the days that I feel the worst, he can make me smile by just being there. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I enjoyed your entry. Take care.

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